


maybe with a little peace and quiet (maybe i could make a little more sense)

by Kody (saturated)



Series: why can't you fight like a fighter? [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Getting Together, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Minor Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 85,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22519240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturated/pseuds/Kody
Summary: Eddie hated her and he honestly couldn’t have told you why.  Richie had been dating this girl, Katie, since April, and she had been nothing but nice to him and the others.  Everyone else seemed to like her just fine and there was nothing wrong with her at all, at least not that Eddie could see.  He kind of hated that he felt this way about her because he really did want to like her.  She was Richie’s girlfriend for fuck’s sake.  His best friend’s girlfriend.  Richie really liked her, and Eddie wanted to like her too, but something deep inside him kept screaming that he should hate her.He usually kept that to himself.---Eddie's a little jealous of Richie's girlfriend and he can't figure out why.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: why can't you fight like a fighter? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1642852
Comments: 57
Kudos: 113





	1. love is clueless and destiny is wishing

**Author's Note:**

> After weeks of work this is finally done! I hate writing as I'm going so here is a completed work for everyone to enjoy. 
> 
> This takes place during the same time as the movies but the clown doesn't exist :)))
> 
> Also the title is from "All I Want" by Walk the Moon which is one of my all time favorite songs and fits this fic so well (blease listen to it it's so good)
> 
> General TW warning for period specific homophobia and homophobic language, and references to suicidal thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So all the chapter titles are from songs and most of them really sum up the chapter itself and I have to say that I'm pretty proud of that lmao
> 
> Anyway this chapter is from the song "Selene" by Imagine Dragons
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: There is some talk about conversion therapy in this chapter. It's brief, but it comes up more in later chapters. Also, general warning for homophobia

Eddie hated her and he honestly couldn’t have told you why. Richie had been dating this girl, Katie, since April, and she had been nothing but nice to him and the others. Everyone else seemed to like her just fine and there was nothing wrong with her at all, at least not that Eddie could see. He kind of hated that he felt this way about her because he really did want to like her. She was Richie’s girlfriend for fuck’s sake. _His best friend’s girlfriend_. Richie really liked her, and Eddie wanted to like her too, but something deep inside him kept screaming that he should hate her.

He usually kept that to himself. He didn’t need Richie feeling bad about it, and he didn’t need his friends getting mad at him over it. He tried to keep it to himself, but once in a while when he said something wrong, his friends would give him the side-eye and he knew they suspected something.

And today was no different.

They had decided to meet up at the mall in the next town over to do a little after Christmas shopping with their Christmas money and share horror stories from the holiday season. But Richie was late, per usual, because he had slept over at Katie’s and they all knew that usually meant he never wanted to leave her.

They told him to bring her along if it meant him being on time for once, but she usually said that she didn’t want to intrude on their group, despite Bev’s insistence (and likely desire for a close female friend). Eddie couldn’t help but wonder if that was his doing considering every time they spoke he was short and curt with her. He only did it so he wouldn’t say anything outright rude or mean. She wasn’t bad and there was nothing wrong with her, Eddie had to keep reminding himself of that, but today he was upset. Richie was _always_ late, and he had had a horrible Christmas, and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with whatever the fuck he was trying to figure out.

He and his friends (minus Richie) were sitting around a table in the food court when Stan finally acknowledged it.

“He’s late,” Stan said bluntly, showing his watch as if explaining what he meant.

“Surprise, surprise,” Bev said. “Probably still macking on Katie somewhere.”

“Was I this annoying when I was dating Brenda?” Bill asked with a slight teasing tone in his voice.

“Yeah,” Stan said quickly.

“Not annoying,” Mike jumped in. “More like… we were jealous.”

“At least you could show up on time,” Ben said.

“Not annoying,” Bev repeated. “Just gross.”

“I didn’t think so,” Bill said. “I think Mike’s right. You were just je-jealous you missed out on me.” He directed that last part towards Bev.

“In your dreams, Billy,” Bev said. “’Twas a schoolgirl crush gone wrong and now I’m paying for it every day with your friendship.”

Instead of gracing her with a response, Bill stuck his middle finger up at her which she could only laugh at. Eddie could barely focus on the conversation. All he could think about was what was keeping Richie and the exact things he was doing with Katie that kept him from being here. 

He thought about Richie sneaking into Katie’s room at night like he used to do with Eddie. He thought about Richie waking up in Katie’s bed as she tried to hide Richie from her parents while he made shitty jokes with those shitty voices and she would be laughing even though she would be telling him to shut up. He would pull her back into bed and they’d probably make out for a little bit until she insisted that he go because her dad would kill him if he was discovered. And Richie would pout, put on the puppy eyes, and practically beg to stay, but he would go when she asked again. Only then would he remember he had made plans and run home to get his truck and drive out to the mall where the only person who seemed to care he wasn’t there was Eddie.

God, Richie was really pissing Eddie off in this hypothetical universe.

“I don’t know why he can’t fucking show up on time,” Eddie said practically seething.

The laughing that Eddie was only vaguely aware of faded quickly as all eyes turned to Eddie. Suddenly, he was very embarrassed about his outburst.

“It’s not a big deal, Eddie,” Bev offered.

“Yeah,” Stan agreed. “We just poking fun.”

“Right,” Eddie said trying to backpedal. “Feeling shitty today, I guess.”

Bev reached across the table and took Eddie’s hand. “Then tell Dr. Marsh what the problem is.”

Eddie smiled a little at Bev’s attempt to make him feel better. He wanted to spill everything, but it felt too raw and exposing to do it in front of everyone else. Bev was so easy to talk to, and the others were too, in their own way, but Bev had a way of understanding Eddie and what went on inside his head that no one else did, not even Richie. They could talk later.

“Shitty Christmas,” Eddie said opting for a more generalized version of what happened. “My mom fucking sucks and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m gay by the way she spent all day talking shit about queer people to my aunt.”

“But you are gay,” Bill said.

“I think that’s the problem, Bill,” Stan chimed in.

“And Richie…” Eddie continued. How could he word this without sounding like a crybaby? “Richie keeps showing up late as if we aren’t as important as Katie.”

Everyone nodded at that.

“Maybe we should talk to him, then,” Ben said. Eddie thought it was slightly amusing that they had this same conversation a few months ago, and Ben said the same exact thing, and a few months before that, when Ben said _the same exact thing_.

“Talk to who?”

Richie took a seat next to Eddie. He took a drink from the travel coffee cup he had obviously gotten on the way here.

“You, dumbass,” Stan said. “Have you checked the time lately?”

“Yeah, it’s 12:30,” Richie said.

“We were supposed to meet here at noon,” Eddie muttered.

“Geez, sorry,” Richie said. “I lost track of time. You know how it is.”

“You always do,” Eddie said daring Richie to keep making excuses. Sure, Eddie was mad that Richie was late. But he was always late and that had come to be a thing Eddie started expecting. If he wanted Richie somewhere, he would say an earlier time, or he would stress the importance. If he didn’t, Richie would show up late, but it was fine. And for some reason, Richie being late because of Katie was never fine.

“We just want to know when to assume you’re dead in a ditch,” Bev said trying to diffuse the situation.

“Fine,” Richie conceded. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better.”

Everyone else seemed to accept that response because no one else had anything to say. Eddie decided to leave it alone and bitch to Bev about it later as well.

Eventually they decided that it was time to roam around the mall, wreaking havoc on any and all after Christmas sales they could find. Somehow, they ended up in the candy store where all of their Christmas candy was priced half-off, practically begging to be bought by some sugar-savvy teenagers.

Eddie had been sullen the entire time, still upset that Richie was late. It wasn’t just today, he reminded himself when no one else wanted to hold it to him, it was every day. He decided that he wasn’t acting irrationally if it was a constant occurrence, even though some part of him was trying to say that his anger was misplaced jealousy at losing his best friend. Eddie didn’t like that thought, so instead he chose to direct it towards Richie, who was currently trying out his best carnival barker voice while trying to “sell” candy to the others.

“It’s the best on the market,” Richie said grabbing a fistful of caramel chews and holding them up to Eddie. “This here candy here is so ooey, so gooey, that it’ll get stuck in your teeth and then later you gots yourself another round! Two for the price of one! Can’t beat that nowhere, I tell you what!”

Eddie rolled his eyes and walked away. He often did roll his eyes at Richie’s jokes, but usually on purpose and with a smile. He must have still looked pretty mad since Richie followed close behind to apologize.

“Hey, Eds,” Richie said stepping up next to Eddie. “You still seem upset over earlier.”

“What gave it away?” Eddie asked.

“I said I was sorry for being late,” Richie said. “What else do I have to do?”

“You said sorry last time,” Eddie reminded him. “And the time before that and the time before that.”

“So, I’m late a lot,” Richie shrugged. “What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal,” Eddie said trying to figure it out himself, “the big deal is I feel like… I’m not important anymore.”

A flash of realization washed over Richie. His cheeks tinged red as he put a hand behind his head. “Oh… I guess I never…”

Eddie let out a puff of air he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Richie said. “I’ll be better. I promise. I really do forget sometimes cause it’s hard balancing a girlfriend and friends. But I really am sorry, and I will do better.” He reached around Eddie to grab something and pulled from the shelf a chocolate rose. “Because you do mean a lot to me… my love.” He finished with a teasing kissy face as he held out the chocolate rose.

Eddie rolled his eyes again, but this time smiling like he always did. He could tell Richie was being genuine by how he tripped over his words, but he could always rely on Richie to end a heartfelt apology with a joke.

Eddie took the rose and smelled it. “Smells like you plucked it straight from the garden.” He put the rose back on the shelf.

“Only the best for my Eds,” Richie said. “C’mon, let’s ditch these losers.”

“We’re losers, too, Rich,” Eddie said fully willing to run off with Richie on their own adventure.

“Yeah,” Richie said, “but we’re, like, cool losers.” He started out of the store, walking backward and winking at Eddie, an invitation.

Eddie had no choice but to follow, shouting something to their friends about meeting up later. Eddie followed Richie as he walked aimlessly around the mall, and Richie almost walked into a few different stores, lulled by the bright colors or fancy products, but it seemed like he was just walking to walk. At least it seemed that way until they walked right into the arcade.

“I’m not playing Street Fighter with you,” Eddie said as Richie entered the arcade.

“Fine,” Richie said. “You can watch.”

“I’m not watching you either,” Eddie said. “I wanna play Galaga.”

“One for one,” Richie offered. “We play both and loser buys ice cream.”

“And in the case of a tie?” Eddie said smugly.

Richie grinned at Eddie taking his proposition. “Pole Position since I know we both suck at it.”

“You’re on,” Eddie said holding out his hand.

Richie shook it.

Although Street Fighter II had just come out, Richie gravitated toward the old one sitting next to it, and not because the new one was being used. Eddie knew that Street Fighter was Richie’s game. He beat Eddie every time and had only managed to be upstaged once by Mike on accident when Richie’s glasses fell off.

But Eddie tried to practice in secret which wasn’t always the easiest since they practically grew up at the arcade together. Practicing got a little easier once Richie started going out with Katie, but the alone time at the arcade somehow felt worse than Eddie knowing he was prepping for the day he could show Richie up. He was thinking he missed those days of Richie mercilessly beating him at his favorite game.

This felt good, though, to watch Richie’s face drop when Eddie got the first shot in and in the end won the first round.

“What the hell, dude?” Richie said as the screen flashed a K.O. “When did you get so good?”

“What do you think I do when you’re out macking on your girlfriend?” Eddie said stretching his hands.

“All that precious time, wasted,” Richie said grabbing the controls again. “Well, not entirely wasted,” he added after a second.

Eddie fumbled at the beginning when Richie added his second statement. “Gross, dude.”

Richie got a shot in and took a quarter of Eddie’s health. “What? Am I distracting you?”

Eddie tried for another hit and missed. “Yeah. Shut up.”

“No,” Richie said hitting Eddie again and also bumping him with his arm. “I’m going to keep talking because I want to win.”

Eddie got a hit. And then another. And another. “Fuck you. I’m winning.”

“No way,” Richie said. “I’m distracting you.”

“Not very well.”

“Unless…”

“What?”

Richie got another hit. “You don’t like me talking about Katie.”

“That’s your distraction plan?”

“Hell yeah,” Richie said hitting Eddie again. Less than half of his health left while Richie still had three-fourths. “I can tell you about all the great sex we’re having.” Another hit. “How much I love kissing her on the face.” Another hit. “How hard I’m getting just thinking about this morning.”

Another hit. One more and this round would be Richie’s. Eddie tried to pull it together, but god, did he fucking hate it when Richie talked about Katie.

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said. He tried for a hit and missed.

“Aww, baby,” Richie said. “You sound distracted.”

Richie got the last shot and won the round.

“That was dirty,” Eddie said. “No talking next round so I can beat you like you deserve.”

“Kinky,” Richie mumbled as they started the final round.

Richie managed to stay quiet, and Eddie won, although he had the slightest feeling that Richie let him win.

“Alright,” Richie said bumping Eddie with his shoulder. “Time to go kick your ass in Galaga.”

“You wish, Trashmouth,” Eddie said. “I know you suck at it.”

And Richie did suck. Eddie didn’t even have to try to sabotage him because somehow, he managed to lose a life on the first level, then another on the second before getting game over when the final alien crashed into him. Although, it was cute how hard he tried, eyes glued to the screen, tongue slightly out as he concentrated on rapidly pressing the fire button.

Eddie got further than Richie without even trying and the competition was over.

“Loser buys ice cream,” Eddie said. “Isn’t that what you said?”

Richie put on his best pouting face. “You’re lucky you’re so cute.” Richie pinched Eddie’s cheek like he usually did, and Eddie let him, choosing to scrunch his face in mock anger instead of ducking out of the way.

“And you’re an asshole who owes me ice cream,” Eddie said.

Richie threw his arm around Eddie’s shoulders, effectively dragging him alongside him as they made their way out of the arcade. “Listen, Eds, my boy, there’s more to life than ice cream.”

“Not when you’re trying to get out of the bet you made.”

Richie huffed. “You’re never letting this go, are you?”

“I will literally bring it up on your death bed if you don’t buy me some fucking ice cream.”

“Oh, feisty,” Richie said as they came up to the food court. “Find a seat and I’ll be right back.”

Eddie didn’t bother telling Richie his order because he knew Richie would guess perfectly. Eddie found an empty table and sat watching the other mallgoers while waiting for Richie to return. Most of the people around were teenagers, some of which he recognized from school and some he didn’t, all milling about and chatting idly with their friends over various lunches and shopping bags.

“Hey, Eddie,” said a voice that was only vaguely familiar.

A girl came up from behind him and stood next to the table. She was in his math class.

“Hi, Martha,” Eddie said politely.

“Are you here by yourself?” Martha from math class asked.

“No, I’m just waiting for someone.”

“Oh,” she said slightly disappointed. “Well, you looked so lonely over here I was going to see if you wanted to join me and my friends.” She gestured vaguely towards a group of girls sitting nearby. One was watching out of the corner of her eye and looked away when she saw Eddie look their way.

“Thanks for the invite,” Eddie said. “But like I said–”

“You’re waiting for someone,” Martha finished. She pursed her lips, looking deep in thought, then carefully took the seat across from Eddie. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t keep you company until then.”

Eddie tried to be polite. Martha was nice enough and fun to talk to in class, but he really didn’t want to talk to her now and didn’t understand why she couldn’t take that hint. Maybe he was being too subtle, but Richie would be back soon, and he could deal with her until then.

“So,” she started, “how was your Christmas, Eddie? Get everything you wanted?”

“Um,” Eddie said, “it was fine. Saw some family. How – how was yours?”

“Really nice,” she said grinning. “I got the new Whitney Houston album and I haven’t stopped listening to it these past two days.”

“That’s good,” Eddie said wishing Richie would get back. Martha was so much easier to talk to when they were helping each other with homework or making fun of their math teacher.

“So, uh…” Martha said, “do you have any plans for New Year’s yet?”

“My friends and I were planning on hanging out,” Eddie said. “Why?”

“Well, um, there’s a party at Noah Goodall’s place. His parents won’t be home and I thought, if you wanted to, we could go.”

Noah Goodall was on the football team and a senior, so any party at his place would be big and somewhere half the school would want to be. Eddie considered it for a second, but then realized that his friends probably wouldn’t be invited if this was the first he was hearing about it. Only he would get to go, and he really didn’t like going to parties without at least one of his friends going too. And besides, he had already made plans to spend the night at Bill’s with everyone else.

“I’ll think about it,” Eddie said knowing he would likely decide to not go.

“Oh,” Martha said, voice dropping. “Okay, well…”

It was then that Richie returned with an ice cream cone in each hand, handing one over to Eddie.

“Making new friends, Eds?” Richie asked.

“I’ve mentioned Martha from math,” Eddie said as Martha stood up, finally taking the hint to leave.

“Oh yeah,” Richie remembered. “The smart one.”

Martha’s cheeks tinged red as she looked to Eddie for confirmation, but Eddie tried not to look back, instead focusing on his ice cream cone.

“I guess,” Martha said shyly. She turned back to Eddie. “Just let me know what you decide and call me.”

She took a pen out of her purse and took Eddie’s hand to write her number on it. Eddie let her do it on the off chance he did decide to go to that party, and then said goodbye as she returned to her friends.

Richie claimed the seat that Martha had been in.

“What was that all about?” Richie asked while practically devouring his ice cream.

“She was inviting me to a party,” Eddie said. “Don’t know why.”

“Probably because she likes you,” Richie said like it was nothing.

“What?”

Richie furrowed his brow. “You didn’t know?” Eddie shook his head. “From what you told me,” Richie continued, “you talk a lot in class, and she was super embarrassed about you calling her smart, so, like, to me that means she likes you.” Richie licked his ice cream. “Oh! And she gave you her number but in a way that’s like a flirty way.”

“How did she give me her number in a ‘flirty way’?”

“She wrote it on your hand when she could have used a napkin,” Richie shrugged. “An excuse to touch you.”

“When did you become an expert in flirting?”

“I’m the one with a girlfriend, dude.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and didn’t say anything in return. Richie was probably right, that Martha was flirting with him, but Eddie couldn’t imagine her liking him in a romantic sense. They were friends and nothing more. It didn’t make sense that Martha would like him if he gave her no indication of him feeling the same towards her.

“You don’t see it cause you’re gay,” Richie said, “but that’s how girls are.”

“I believe you, but,” Eddie said, “I don’t know. I act with her the same way I act with Bev and it’s not weird there.”

“Because you and Bev are weird,” Richie offered. “You guys are practically dating but in a weird super platonic way.”

Eddie let out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s one way of putting it.” Although, he could see the point Richie was making there, too. He and Bev flirted a lot but in a way that they both knew was a joke. They were close and inseparable, and Eddie could see how people might look at that if they didn’t know any better. And he was starting to see how Martha could have taken his actions as being interested, even if he didn’t because he believed he was acting like friends act.

“That party at Goodall’s?” Richie asked.

“Yes? Why?”

“I heard a rumor he’s down to clown if you know what I mean,” Richie finished with a wink.

Eddie hoped he wasn’t blushing as he felt his face grow hot.

“Just saying, Eds,” Richie said. “You seem like you need to get laid. And since Martha’s a no-go, Goodall might be.”

Eddie felt _really_ hot now. He hated talking about it, and he hated being reminded of it, but he had lied to Richie once about how he had fucked another guy, one on the baseball team, when in actuality, they only made out for about ten minutes at a party. That was a few months ago. And Richie believed him.

Eddie hoped that Richie would drop it and take it at face-value, believe him and move on, but Richie surprised Eddie. He was proud of Eddie considering that was before Richie and Katie had had sex yet. And now Eddie had to live with that lie every time he seemed uptight because Richie would tell him to go get laid like he just did.

Eddie had to wonder though, why he even lied in the first place. He didn’t lie to anyone else about it, so why did he lie to Richie?

“Where’d you hear that?” Eddie asked slightly interested. Noah Goodall was attractive for a gruff football player. Not exactly Eddie’s type, but good-looking enough that Eddie was willing to get drunk and make out with him at party.

“Me and Bev were smoking under the bleachers,” Richie explained, “when we overheard him and some other guys joking about it. Seemed pretty legit if you ask me.”

Eddie didn’t have enough time to ask any more questions because the rest of their friends bounded up and took seats at the table with them.

“Thought we lost you guys,” Mike said.

“Hey, Micycle,” Richie said, “you know about Goodall’s deal, right?”

Of course, Richie would bring it up to Mike who had joined the football team when he started going to school with them. It was a simple solution to ask Mike about it, but Eddie would have rather not known and decided to not go to the party.

“Noah?” Mike said. “What do you mean?”

“Are you trying to set Eddie up?” Bev asked.

Richie nodded and Mike laughed. “Oh that,” Mike said. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’d be up for it. Just don’t ask him in a crowded room. Get him alone first.”

“Noah Goodall isn’t even that hot,” Bev said. “I don’t know what you’re thinking Richie.”

“I’m thinking that Eddie is very uptight and needs some action,” Richie said.

In unison, Stan and Ben said, “Beep, beep, Richie.”

Richie shrugged. “So, whaddya say, Eds? Go to the party, get some, and then join us after.”

“I hear it’s going to be a good party,” Mike added.

“Can’t be that good if we weren’t invited,” Bill chimed in.

“I was,” Mike said. “But I’d rather hang out with you guys.”

“Aww, Mikey,” Richie said. “Aren’t you sweet.”

Eddie still wasn’t sure about the party, but he was starting to resent Richie for bringing it up to everyone else. Maybe he ought to go just to get Richie off his back, or maybe he ought to go to get away from everyone and do something for himself. Or maybe he ought to go so he could finally stop lying.

But there were more reasons to not go, he thought, one being he would either have to go alone or with Martha and neither of those options seemed very fun. Martha would think it was a date and going alone would mean he wouldn’t have the safety of his friends to return to. And hanging with his friends seemed more fun than going to a popular kid party.

They finished at the mall a few hours later and nothing too pressing happened, although they did run into Martha again, who gave Eddie a small wave which was followed by Bev taking Eddie’s hand like she did before when she could tell Eddie was nervous about girls being interested in him. The two of them ended up back at Bev’s place, long ago deciding that her aunt was much better company than his mother, which they decided after the time when his mother asked if he was dating “that little whore”.

“Let me paint your nails,” Bev said as they sat on her bed. “I got new nail polish today.” She pulled an emerald green bottle out of a bag and waved it at Eddie. It was enticing. The color was so pretty, and he loved it when she painted his nails, but he wasn’t in the mood he decided, and shook his head no.

“What’s wrong, Eddie?” Bev asked as she put down the nail polish.

“Do you think I should go to that party?” Eddie said.

“I think you need to loosen up,” she responded. “You’ve been so tense lately and I think if you find something to help that, then you should go for it.”

Eddie bit his lip in thought. He wanted her to tell him to not go, then he wouldn’t have to give into the thoughts of how he kind of wanted to.

“Or don’t,” Bev said. “But you should still talk to me cause you seem like you need to.”

“Oh, do I?” Eddie said. “Since when are you the expert?”

“Since you’re my best friend, stupid,” she said. “Talk.”

“Remember how I said Christmas sucked?”

“Yeah, cause your mom thinks gay people don’t deserve rights. Go on.”

“Well,” Eddie said thinking about how to word it, “my aunt was telling her about this place that she could send me… like, to help me ‘get better’. They teach you about Jesus and tell you why you suck for being gay.”

“Oh,” Bev said carefully. “She’s not… she’s not sending you there, is she?”

“No,” Eddie said. “At least, not yet. She was on the fence and she probably won’t unless she has real evidence that I’m gay.”

“Still,” Bev said, “that really fucking sucks.”

Eddie always felt weird telling Bev about everything his mom did because he knew what her dad did to her. He never felt like he had any right to complain about his mom because her dad was so awful, but he also felt like she was the only one who understood what he was talking about. Everyone else would say “your mom sucks” and move on, but one time a few years ago, Eddie had said something about how his mom wasn’t anywhere near as bad as her dad, at least she doesn’t hit him, and Bev had said “if you’re scared of her or what’s she’s going to do to you, then it doesn’t matter if she hits you” and Eddie understood. From that point on, there was an understanding between him and Bev. Two sides of the same coin.

“There’s something else,” Bev said noticing Eddie’s pensiveness. It was true, and Bev could read him so easily now.

“Don’t be mad at me for saying this,” Eddie prefaced. “Is it bad that I hate Richie’s girlfriend?”

Bev raised her eyebrows. “Uh… you what?”

“I don’t…want to hate her,” Eddie corrected. “But I can’t help it. She’s really nice and wonderful, and for some reason, I hate seeing her and knowing Richie is with her and when he talks about her. I don’t know what it is.”

Bev took a deep breath as a small smile came to her. “How long have you felt this way?”

Eddie shrugged. “The whole time? I don’t know. I just know I don’t like her around.”

Bev laughed and Eddie was confused, but that didn’t stop him from growing embarrassed, absolutely sure his face was red.

“What?” he asked.

“Has is ever occurred to you,” Bev said, “that you might be in love with Richie?”

“No,” Eddie said quickly. “I’m not. He’s my best friend, I’m not… in love with him. There’s no way.”

There was no way, right? Eddie and Richie had been best friends since kindergarten, and that’s all. But now that Bev mentioned it, there was a painful amount of flirting that happened between them, especially when Richie called Eddie ‘cute’ or ‘baby’. And Eddie found it especially endearing whenever Richie called him ‘Eds’, like he was special, like he was the most important thing in Richie’s life.

It would make sense that Eddie would hate Richie’s girlfriend if he was in love with Richie, but that simply wasn’t the case. Richie was his best friend, and he was jealous and upset that Richie had a girlfriend that was taking his time away. And that was it. Nothing else. Nothing more.

“Whatever you say, Eddie,” Bev said, still smiling.

“I’m not,” Eddie said. “No matter what it looks like to you.”

“Sure,” Bev said, and Eddie knew she didn’t believe him.

“Speaking of being in love,” Eddie said flipping the conversation, “how was Ben today?”

Bev’s face dropped and she scowled at him. “He’s fine. Thanks for asking.”

“I thought you were going to tell him.”

“You know I can’t. What if he doesn’t feel the same?”

“He does and you know it.”

“He liked me in middle school but that doesn’t mean he’ll feel the same now.”

“He does feel the same,” Eddie said smugly. “He told me.”

“Wait,” Bev said. “When?”

“Few weeks ago?” Eddie said.

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“He made me promise not to,” Eddie said quick to defend himself. “You said you were going to tell him before the end of the year no matter what, anyway.”

“You should have known I wouldn’t be able to do that,” Bev said crossing her arms.

Now it was Eddie’s turn to laugh at her. “Now you have to,” he said and tapped his watch. “You have three days.”

Bev deflated, obviously not ready to admit her feelings to Ben. Eddie held his arms out, a gesture that meant he knew she needed some love, and she moved into his arms as they settled down on her bed to cuddle, her head resting on his chest.

“I don’t want to ruin my friendship with him,” Bev admitted. “He’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had and if I mess this up, then it’s over.”

“You and Bill are still friends,” Eddie said. “Why would this be different?”

“Because middle school relationships don’t mean anything,” she said. “They’re super short and maybe you kiss a few times, but they mostly exist to test out what dating is supposed to be. This feels more real, like I’m supposed to know what I’m doing.”

“And you don’t.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I can tell you,” Eddie said, “that I doubt Ben knows what he’s doing either.”

“Yeah, but,” Bev tried to say, “he’s so…so…amazing and thoughtful and smart. I can’t mess it up.”

“You won’t,” Eddie said. “He’s head over heels for you and if you talk to him, I’m sure you guys will figure it out.”

“Fine,” Bev said defeated. “Have it your way.” She paused. “I’ll tell him at New Year’s, that way it will be romantic when we kiss at midnight for the first time.”

Eddie couldn’t see her face, but knew she was smiling at the thought of kissing Ben for New Year’s. He tried to imagine kissing someone for New Year’s. Maybe his single friends could work something out and it would be funny to kiss each other, or maybe he would go to the party and somehow Noah Goodall would want to kiss him at midnight. He closed his eyes to imagine it, but the only face he could picture was Richie’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayo welcome to the shit show


	2. destiny is calling me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers

Eddie ended up going to Bill’s on New Year’s, choosing his friends over the brief gratification of 15 minutes with a football player. Richie brought Katie and Eddie tried not to let his anger show, even though he should have expected it and knew his feelings were completely irrational. Maybe Bev had a point, but he would never humor that thought.

Bill’s parents were out of town and Georgie was spending the night at a friend’s house, and instead of throwing the rager that his parents expected, he held a small get together with his friends. Luckily, Bill had said, his dad kept a large library of liquor that he never drank, so they basically had their pick because he would never notice anything gone.

Sometime around ten, a few drinks in, someone (probably Katie because Eddie remembered thinking it was a stupid idea) suggested they play truth or dare.

“Bev,” Bill said, “truth or dare?”

“Dare,” she said without hesitation.

Bill sighed. Everyone knew he was the worst at dares, everyone else managing to dare things they wouldn’t normally do, while Bill was tame, and often had a hard time thinking of dares to give. However, he was the master of truth questions, and everyone knew this too, so they always said dare when it came to Bill.

“I dare you to…” Bill started. He pushed his hair back from his forehead. “To sit in someone’s lap for the rest of the game.”

“Anyone?” Bev asked.

“Yes?”

Bev rolled her eyes. “Billy, you’re gonna have to do better than that.” She beelined for Eddie, who, already pleasantly drunk, welcomed her with open arms. She sat between his legs and he wrapped his arms around her middle.

“The king of dares,” Richie said holding his beer up in toast, “making his friends cuddle with each other one dare at a time.”

“Here, here!” Mike said clinking his own beer with Richie’s.

“Alright,” Bill said. “It’s B-Bev’s turn now.”

“Oh boy,” Bev said rubbing her hands together. “Katie, truth or dare?”

Katie, who had been leaning into Richie’s side, sat up. She tucked her dark hair behind her ear as she said, “Truth.”

“If you could pick one person in this room,” Bev said, “to have sex with, not Richie, who would it be?”

Richie took a sip of his beer. “That could be really hot,” he said dreamily. “Maybe invite them for a threesome.”

“Beep, beep, Rich,” Stan said.

“You’re just jealous, baby,” Richie said. “You know it’s not you and you wanted in.”

“Shut up, Richie,” Bev said, “and let her answer.”

Katie looked around the circle, whispered something in Richie’s ear that made him laugh, and took one last look around. “I think… I’d have to pick… Mike.”

“Good choice,” Mike said.

“I’ll say,” Richie said winking at Mike.

“Alright,” Katie said. “My turn. Richie, truth or dare.”

“Dare, obviously,” Richie said.

Katie pressed her lips together in thought, and Stan leaned over to whisper something. She grinned and nodded before turning back to Richie. “I dare you to kiss Eddie. And it has to be a good one. At least three seconds.”

Eddie went stiff, and without thinking tried to slink lower behind Bev to hide. Bev put a hand over his.

“Seriously?” Richie asked. “Not if he doesn’t want me to.”

How thoughtful, Eddie thought, but also what bullshit. This wasn’t the first time they played truth or dare, and this wasn’t the first time Richie was dared to kiss one of them. The first time was Bev, and then Bill, and then Stan, and none of those times did he say something like that. He just did it knowing they would have objected if they didn’t want to.

Eddie pulled himself out from behind Bev. “What, you chickenshit, Trashmouth?” he said.

He didn’t know where the newfound confidence had come from. All he knew was that Richie was doing this dare and he wasn’t getting out of it. Some part of him was saying this was a bad idea, that maybe Bev was right and perhaps he shouldn’t get his hopes up if she was, but another part, a larger part, wanted to kiss Richie right now.

“No way in hell,” Richie said putting his beer down. He leaned forward onto his hands and knees and crawled over to meet Eddie halfway across the circle. Richie paused for only a second when they were close before leaning in to kiss Eddie.

Eddie froze and forgot how to kiss for a second. Richie’s lips were chapped, and he tasted like that shitty beer he was drinking, which should have disgusted Eddie, but the only thing he was thinking about was remembering every detail of how Richie kissed. But before he could, it was over. Somehow three seconds had come and gone and Eddie had no idea what happened.

“Almost as good as your mom, Spaghetti,” Richie said with a huge grin.

“Shut up,” Eddie mumbled.

Richie scooted back and put his arm back around Katie. He said something to her and pulled her in for a kiss before returning his attention back to the game. Eddie found himself again and returned to his spot, almost forgetting Bill’s dare, but grateful for it now because he needed Bev. He wrapped his arms back around her and put his face in her shoulder.

Richie went on to ask some truth question to Stan that Eddie couldn’t quite hear.

“You okay, sweetie?” Bev said quietly to Eddie.

“No,” Eddie said muffled into her shoulder.

“If you don’t want everyone worried about you, you should get back into the game.”

Eddie moved his head to settle his chin on Bev’s shoulder. Stan was deliberating on who to pick next.

“Eddie,” Stan said locking eyes with him. Fuck. “Truth or dare?”

What would be easier? Stan was pretty good at both, so there was no clear option there, so the question was whether Eddie wanted to reveal an invasive truth about himself or do something vaguely unsavory.

Since he was trying to figure shit out right now, maybe truth was a bad idea.

“Dare,” Eddie said.

“Dare you to give Bev a hickey,” Stan said like he had been waiting to give it all night. Well, maybe not that specific dare. Maybe he would have told Ben to give one to Eddie, or Mike to give one to Bill, but Stan came prepared with that dare. His smile told Eddie that he would have imploded if he hadn’t been able to do it.

“That’s gross, dude,” Eddie said. It wasn’t as though he thought it was gross, but rather weird. And it wasn’t like he was nervous because he had kissed Bev before during truth or dare, but hickeys were another level. They were weird and intimate and Eddie wasn’t sure about it.

“Are you chickenshit, Eds?” Richie said.

“No way!” Eddie said.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Bev said. She stretched her neck out and pointed to the base where her neck met her shoulder.

Eddie sighed and did the dare, biting and mouthing at Bev’s neck until there was a purple mark.

“There,” Eddie said. “Happy?”

Stan was beaming. “Very.”

“How does it look?” Bev asked. “Is it hot?”

“I don’t think hickeys are supposed to look hot, Bevvie,” Eddie said.

“I think you look unattainable,” Ben chimed in. “Very mysterious.” Ben always had a way of making everything he said into a poem and a compliment.

“Thanks,” Bev said quietly.

Eddie tightened his grip around Bev until he knew it hurt because she pinched his leg.

“Your turn, Edward,” she said.

Eddie ended up daring Mike to take his shirt off until it was his turn again, and Bill’s extra stutter after that was not lost on Eddie.

They played for a short while longer until they all agreed that the good questions and dares had all been used up, and shifted into settling in to watch Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve in the living room. Bev pulled Eddie into the kitchen where they were alone.

“Talk,” she said.

“About what?” Eddie said.

Bev stared at him. He knew what.

“You want me to say it?” Eddie said. “Fine, I’m in love with Richie and it sucks because he has a girlfriend.”

Bev sighed. “You didn’t have to kiss him. You could have said no.”

“It’s just a stupid game,” Eddie said eyeing the mark on Bev’s neck. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It does when it’s personal,” Bev said.

“If someone dared Ben to kiss you, would you have stopped him?” Eddie asked.

Bev didn’t say anything.

“Exactly,” Eddie said then paused to think. She was worried about him, and he should get mad at her for it, only reassure her. “I’ll be fine, Bev. I just have to get over it.”

“If you’re sure,” Bev said fidgeting.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. And he would be, but for now he wanted Bev off his case. He wanted to be alone where he could process what just happened. It was nearing 11:30 and if Bev wanted to kiss Ben for New Year’s she ought to get out of the kitchen and go talk to him. “But you’re running out of time. If you don’t tell him, I will.”

Bev punched his arm. “Don’t you dare.” She paused for a second. “You’re right.”

“I know I am.”

She nodded and ran off to the living room giving Eddie a second alone. At least Bev was getting what she deserved, but now it left Eddie by himself to relish in his thoughts. Of course, he had to be in love with Richie. Life was never that easy was it? He couldn’t have just been missing his friend, no, he had to want to be Katie so badly that he hated her. He wanted to be the one receiving the kisses that she got, not only because of some stupid dare. He wanted to kiss Richie at midnight. He wanted Richie to sneak into his room at night again. God, he wanted Richie so bad.

Eddie decided to brave the living room and his friends again. He walked out and the only thing he could see was the chair where Richie and Katie had placed themselves, Katie practically sitting in Richie’s lap while she played with his hair, him looked dreamily into her eyes. Bev and Ben were nowhere to be seen, likely somewhere talking in private. Bill, Mike, and Stan were all on the couch, idly watching the TV and talking to each other. No one had noticed Eddie walk in.

He turned around and left the house. He didn’t know where he was going, but he needed to be somewhere else, somewhere not here.

He ran. He didn’t know where he was going, but he was running there. Walking was too slow, and he needed to run. Something, anything, to make him feel human. Something to make him forget what he needed to forget.

He didn’t know where he was going, but somehow, he ended up at Noah Goodall’s house. Cars lined the street and there were people milling about the yard despite the cold. Eddie went inside.

He recognized most people and nearly all of them were football players or cheerleaders or popular in some other way. No one gave him a passing glance as he wandered through the house, only vaguely understanding his motive for coming here.

“Eddie!”

Before he could gain his bearings, Martha came running up to him and hugged him. She pulled back and was giggling, tripping over her own feet. She was reeking of alcohol.

“You came!” she said. “I was so scared that you were ignoring me, and I thought maybe I was being too annoying or forward, but you came. I’m so happy to see you, Eddie. You look really, really cute tonight. My friends said you wouldn’t come, and I got so scared that you didn’t like me, but I was wrong, right?”

Trying to process all of that information, Eddie said, “Uh, yeah, I’m here. Let’s sit down, Martha.”

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, okay.”

Eddie found an empty couch and put her down on it. She practically deflated into the cushions, and Eddie didn’t want to sit here with her, but knew it would be a bad idea to leave her alone. If he could find one of her friends…

“Sit with me,” Martha said patting the spot next to her. “It’s almost the new year. We can ring it in together.”

“I think you need to go home,” Eddie suggested.

“No way,” she said. “My dad will totally know that I’ve been drinking and ground me forever.”

“Where are your friends?” Eddie said.

“Don’t know,” Martha shrugged. “Why won’t you sit with me?”

“Because – because I…”

“Do you even like me?” she asked.

Eddie felt himself grow hot. “What do you mean?”

“I thought you liked me,” she said aimlessly tracing circles on the couch cushion, “because you were so nice in class, but now you seem weird and you won’t even sit next to me.” She huffed. “Like you don’t want to be near me.”

“I do like you,” Eddie said. “But–”

“But not like that,” Martha finished. “Then why did you come here?” She wiped her eye and Eddie didn’t have the heart to tell her that her mascara had smeared.

Eddie took a seat leaving a few feet between them. “I don’t know.”

“That’s bullshit.”

Eddie was taken aback as he tried to remember if he had ever heard Martha swear before. She was always so sweet and nice, so hearing her upset with Eddie shook him up a little bit.

“I think,” Eddie said finally admitting to himself why he came to the party, “that I came here for someone else.”

Martha didn’t say anything, and Eddie ventured a glance at her. She was sullen, but with silent tear streaks down her face. Eddie felt bad. She had obviously convinced herself that Eddie was into her the same way she was into him, and he couldn’t imagine how that would hurt. Well, actually, he could try as he thought about Richie giving his attention to someone other than him.

Martha moved to look at Eddie. “Are you gay?”

Eddie’s heart skipped. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s okay, Eddie,” Martha said with a half-hearted smile. “Go find who you wanted. I’ll be okay.” She sighed. “Heartbreak really sobers you up.”

“I’m sorry, Martha,” Eddie said. “I still want to be your friend.”

She nodded. “Let’s talk when we get back to school.”

And with that, Eddie left her alone, trusting that she would be okay without him. He had to assess whether he was still riding on pure adrenaline and confidence, or if his conversation had taken him down.

But then he saw Noah Goodall standing by himself in the kitchen, pouring himself another drink. Eddie’s stupid, irrational brain flashed him an image of Richie and Katie, and then reminded him of how good it felt to have Richie’s lips on his.

He went for it.

“Hey, Goodall,” Eddie said.

“Kaspbrak?” Noah said. “What do you want?”

“I heard a rumor about you,” Eddie said.

“What kind of rumor?”

“The kind of rumor that makes you and me very similar.”

Noah seemed to catch on, but only slightly, choosing to test his boundaries to ensure that Eddie was saying what he thought.

He leaned in close. “And what do you plan on doing about it?”

Eddie relished in the smell of his cologne. It was the same one Richie used. “Anything you want.”

Noah leaned in even closer, so he could whisper right into Eddie’s ear. “My parents’ room at midnight. Up the stairs, first door to the right.”

He walked out of the kitchen, leaving Eddie there to think about whether or not he made a good choice or not, but he didn’t want to think about that. Instead, he imagined why Noah would want to use his parents’ room, picturing Mr. Goodall, who Eddie knew was a very religious man, spouting anti-gay bullshit at the dinner table while his son grappled with his sexuality. He imagined Noah wanting to get back at his parents in a way that he couldn’t get in trouble for because they would never find out.

Eddie knew the feeling of his own family not wanting him, not accepting him, and instead of reminding himself that maybe was a bad idea, he went with it. Fuck Noah’s parents.

He didn’t dare think of the other reason he was doing this. He didn’t dare think of Richie and his stupid girlfriend enjoying his stupid self in his stupid relationship.

At midnight, Eddie met Noah where he was supposed to and let Noah do whatever he wanted. That was one thing he didn’t have to lie about anymore.

Eddie returned to Bill’s house about an hour later after deciding to drink his weight in booze. He didn’t run this time, but rather stumbled back, slowly but with a purpose, thinking that drinking was a bad idea but at least it kept him warm in the late winter night and his mind off what he had just done.

He decided to knock on the front door after seeing the light on, though he knew he could just walk in if he pleased. He thought he was being polite.

Bill answered and he looked pissed.

“Where were you?” Bill asked.

“Party,” Eddie said suddenly blinded by the lights from inside.

Bill shook his head and grabbed Eddie’s arm to pull him inside.

Before Eddie could adjust himself to the surroundings, Richie came running up. “Fuck, Eddie,” he said exasperated. “Where the hell were you?”

“Apparently,” Bill said, “he went to the p-pah-party.”

Eddie, drunk or not, couldn’t have said why he thought that was funny. He covered his mouth to hide his giggling.

“We were worried about you, dumbass,” Richie said. “Are you drunk?”

“No,” Eddie said suppressing yet more giggling. Even in his state, he knew this would be hell to deal with in the morning, but he couldn’t stop. He thought it might have been the tense circumstances that lead him here, and how ridiculous this all seemed. It didn’t matter because right now it was hilarious.

Richie sighed, not knowing where to go from here. He stared at Eddie and suddenly it wasn’t funny anymore. Richie was worried about him. _Richie_ was _worried_ about him. He left without saying a word, disappeared for over an hour, and came back wasted. No wonder Richie was upset. Eddie really felt like throwing up.

“I’m sorry, Richie,” Eddie said quietly.

“It’s fine,” Richie said subdued. “It’s whatever I guess.”

“I’ll put him to bed,” Bill said.

Richie mumbled a “thanks” as Bill lead Eddie upstairs. In Bill’s room, he sat Eddie on his bed and threw his overnight bag at him, instructing him to change into his sleepwear. Eddie did what he was told, tripping and stumbling more than a little, but trying to get it done so Bill wouldn’t get mad. He didn’t want anyone else getting mad at him anymore.

Bill disappeared for a second and then returned with a glass of water.

“Drink,” Bill said handing it to Eddie.

Eddie drank as much as he could and put the glass down on the nightstand.

“You can sleep in my bed tonight,” Bill said a lot softer now.

“I can sleep on the floor,” Eddie said. “I know you’re mad at me.”

“We aren’t mad, Eddie,” Bill explained. “You w-w-worried the shit out of us. You disappeared without t-telling anyone.” Bill took a deep breath. “Sleep in my bed. You’ll need it.”

Bill was about to leave, but Eddie didn’t want to be alone just yet. “Bill?”

Bill turned to look at him.

“Can you stay with me for a little bit?”

Bill nodded and took a seat at the foot of the bed. “But only if you lay down and promise you’ll sleep after this.”

“Promise,” Eddie said laying down. “I think I did a stupid thing tonight.”

“At the party?”

“Yeah,” Eddie mumbled. “I wasn’t even drunk when I did it either.”

“We can talk in the morning, Eddie,” Bill said. “You should sleep.”

“I don’t think I can unless I talk.” Eddie waited for Bill to object, but when he didn’t, he continued. “I think I’m in love with Richie.”

“Really?” Bill asked.

“Yeah,” Eddie said playing with the edge of the bedsheets. “And he was pissing me off tonight for some reason and that’s why I ran off. And I went Goodall’s party and I… I…”

“It’s okay, Eddie,” Bill said. “I wo-wo-won’t tell anyone.”

“I had sex with Noah Goodall in his parents’ bed,” Eddie said quickly before pulling a pillow over his head.

Eddie could only imagine the look on Bill’s face, or the thoughts running through his head. It was hard since he was starting to drift off into sleep. He thought he heard Bill saying something but couldn’t discern what it was. The pillow was lifted from his head. Bill had taken it.

“You’ll be fine, Eddie,” Bill said trying to tuck the pillow back under Eddie’s head instead of over it. “Get some sleep and we can talk in the morning.”

Eddie wanted to say more. He didn’t want Bill to leave. He wanted to be sober and to apologize for real to Richie and to keep talking. But before Bill left the room, Eddie was out.

Eddie woke up as the sun was starting to come out, the view from the window emitting a hazy, soft glow in the room, barely illuminating the scene around him. At some point, the rest of his friends had gone to sleep, taking various locations on the floor of Bill’s room. Eddie’s head was throbbing, and he could barely open his eyes long enough to check what time it was, but he would have to, or else he would throw up in Bill’s bed.

He shot up and ran to the bathroom, barely making it in time.

He flushed the toilet, sat back against the wall and closed his eyes for a second before the light was flipped on.

Squinting and trying to ignore his pounding head, Eddie looked over to see Bill standing in the doorway.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Bill said before closing the door and taking a seat next to Eddie.

“What time is it?” Eddie asked.

“A little after seven,” Bill said. “You good?”

“I feel like I’m dying,” Eddie said suddenly aware of not only his hangover but of how sore the rest of his body was, especially his legs, like he had been working out all night. He wondered only for a second why that was before he remembered exactly how stupid he had been.

Bill was eyeing him carefully, obviously trying to gauge where to go from here. Eddie had worried him. He worried all of them by running off.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Eddie said. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, you weren’t,” Bill agreed. “But that’s over now. The only one who’s still kind of mad is Richie.” Bill paused. “Speaking of which…”

Speaking of which? What about Richie? The only person he had talked to was Bev… No, he did talk to Bill last night and he told Bill everything. And now Bill wanted to talk and all Eddie wanted to do was take a shower and go home and hide under his covers.

“Yeah, Bill?” Eddie asked playing innocent. “What about him?”

“Are you really in love with him?” Bill said without skipping a beat.

Eddie had to think on that a second. He didn’t really know what being in love was supposed to be like, but he had crushes before, and this felt like more than that. It felt different. “I think so,” he said. “I wasn’t sure, but Bev said something and then I started thinking about it and then he was dared to kiss me and then… Then I knew.”

“And you got pissy about it and ran off,” Bill guessed.

Sure, Eddie was mad, and he couldn’t have done a goddamn thing about it. “Pretty much,” he admitted. “I wasn’t even mad at him. I was just mad that there was no chance.” It made sense now that he said it out loud. It wasn’t Richie’s fault he was dating someone, and it wasn’t Eddie’s fault for falling in love with him. He was mad that he was stuck with these stupid feelings. “That – that unless I sabotage my best friend’s relationship, there’s no chance.”

“So, you ran off…” Bill continued, “and had sex with someone else?”

“I think I wanted to prove I didn’t need Richie,” Eddie said starting to get tired of this.

Bill nodded, thinking for a second. “Was it good?” he finally asked.

Eddie pulled his legs up to his chest, thinking on how sore his thighs were as he did it. Bill was something else sometimes.

“Bill,” Eddie started, “are you seriously asking me if sex with Noah Goodall _was good_ while I’m having a crisis about being in love with my currently taken best friend?”

“Yeah, kinda,” Bill said without hesitation.

Eddie let out a laugh that felt out of place. “I… I don’t know.” And that was the truth.

“What do you mean?”

Eddie thought about it. He genuinely did not know if having sex was good or not. It was rough and kind of hurt and was over before he could even realize what was happening. Although, that might have been Noah considering Eddie let him take the lead, but still, was that what sex was supposed to be like?

“I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was good or not,” Eddie said. “I don’t have anything to compare it to and it all happened so fast… I liked it if that’s what you mean, but I think I might already be regretting it.”

“So, in the middle?”

“Yeah, let’s say that… You can’t tell anyone about it, especially not Richie.”

Bill nodded. “I won’t, p-puh-promise. Although, I think everyone suspects something after seeing those marks on your neck.”

Eddie quickly covered his neck with his hands. “What?” He would have checked in the mirror, but he was still feeling too sick to stand. He took his hands away. “Where?”

Bill poked three spots on his neck, all of them above his collar.

“Shit,” Eddie said. “My mom’s gonna have an aneurysm.”

“At least they look hot.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said trying not to smile.

He shifted so that he could rest his head on Bill’s shoulder. He was still so tired and wanted to get back to bed, but he also felt like he couldn’t move, like he was rooted to this spot in the bathroom where Bill, who also sounded like he needed more sleep, was here helping him work through whatever the fuck this was.

But there was something else in Bill’s voice that sounded off. He sounded like he wasn’t all here.

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked. “You seem out of it.”

“Ye-yeah – yeah, I’m f-fuh-fine,” Bill said. “I’m thinking.” Eddie could see how hard he was fighting his stutter, trying to suppress it, likely to hide the fact that he was not fine.

“What about?”

“None of your business, Edward,” Bill said playing it off.

“And after I spilled my guts to you?” Eddie said attempting to be dramatic, but it was hard when he was still leaning on Bill for support.

“More like you sp-spilled them in the toilet,” Bill said.

“Fuck off,” Eddie laughed. He thought about last night. “Is it about Mike?”

“W-w-what?” Bill said and the fear in his voice was not lost on Eddie. “What are you t-tuh-talking about?”

“I’m not stupid, Billy,” Eddie said calmly. This was obviously something Bill didn’t want to talk about, but not because he was being stubborn. It was the same reason it took Eddie until only a few months ago to come out to everyone. Eddie knew how Bill was feeling, and if Bill was anything like him, he didn’t want anyone to make a big deal about it. “Don’t think I didn’t notice the ever-longing stare of a pining boy.”

Bill didn’t say anything. Eddie sat back up to look at Bill who looked confused. Bill was never very poetic.

“You got really red and stutter-y when I dared Mike to take his shirt off last night,” Eddie clarified.

Bill huffed. “And that automatically m-means I’m into him?”

“I don’t hear you denying it,” Eddie pointed out. “All I hear is your nervous stutter.”

Bill looked down, his face turning a bright pink. “Was I b-be-being that obvious?”

“No, not really,” Eddie said. “At least, I doubt he’ll ever figure it out.”

“What do I do, Eddie?” Bill asked wringing his hands. What was Eddie supposed to tell him? That it gets easier? Better? That Mike obviously likes him too? None of that was true. Eddie had conversations with Mike that led him to believe that Mike, on the slightest off-chance, was maybe not straight, but he didn’t know for sure, so what was Bill supposed to do now? Same thing as Eddie, he guessed. Not the impulsive thing, but the other thing. Sit around and wait, or get over it.

“Well, definitely not what I did,” Eddie said trying to lighten the mood.

“Ha ha,” Bill said joylessly.

“Why don’t you just tell him?” Eddie offered. It couldn’t hurt. Even if Mike was straight or not interested, there was no harm, and it was the only way Bill would know for sure.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Bill said. “For once, you can’t follow your own advice, so you tell me and Bev to do it instead.”

“And it worked for her, didn’t it?” Eddie said.

“But it’s different,” Bill said. “I don’t – I don’t know what Mike’s deal is. Whenever I bring up the idea of dating or girlfriends… or boyfriends… he gets really weird and d-d-dodgy about it. I’ve been trying to get any gleam of who he’s into and it’s like talking to a b-buh-brick wall.”

“Sounds like me,” Eddie said. “You remember before and how weird I was about dating.”

“Yeah, but that was different.”

“How?”

Bill didn’t have an answer. He probably just wanted to know for sure.

“Look, Bill,” Eddie said. “I’m not confirming anything, but it sounds like Mike might be queer, but he might not be too. I mean, dating for him here isn’t really the same as for us…or you guys, I mean. He’s got enough to worry about considering all he has to do to get the shit kicked out of him is walk outside.” Mike was the only black kid at school and in town, and it wouldn’t have surprised Eddie if he was ignoring the idea of dating altogether until he got out. He wouldn’t have blamed him either. “The last thing Mike needs is to be gay on top of that. He probably is refusing to even think about it.”

“If you say so,” Bill said.

“I still think you should tell him,” Eddie said. “You never know if you don’t try.”

“What if he isn’t gay, though?” Bill said. “What if he’s just weird about dating?”

“Then he’ll appreciate that you had feelings for him and let you down gently. The last he would ever do is hurt you.”

“I don’t know,” Bill mumbled tangling his fingers in the shag rug on the floor. “Maybe I’ll just feel it out for a little l-lo-longer.”

“You and Bev both,” Eddie chuckled. “Don’t you dare give me an arbitrary date that you’ll do it by because if Bev is anything to go off of, you won’t do it until midnight that day.”

“But she did it, didn’t she?”

“Yeah, well,” Eddie said, “at least one of us gets what we want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeehaw let's get some pining action happening
> 
> also the truth or dare scene is 100 percent based on me and my friends playing like all of our dares were like that we just be kissing


	3. i just don't think he'd understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points if you know the chapter title before I tell you because it doesn't make sense until you read the whole chapter

Eddie told Bev everything after the two of them left Bill’s that afternoon. They went to her place and spread out on her bed where he had his head in her lap with an arm over his eyes as he spilled everything that happened. He started with why he left and finished with his talk with Bill in the bathroom that morning, omitting the part where they talked about Mike. If Bill wanted her to know, then he could tell her himself.

“It doesn’t really sound like much of a problem to me, Eddie,” Bev said, her fingers tangled in his hair. “Except for maybe the part about Richie. But to me it sounds like it was a one and done deal with Noah.”

“Then why do I feel like fucking garbage?” Eddie said, ignoring the Richie-esque joke that formed in his head saying _Because you already did._

Bev shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe because you wish you saved your first time for someone special?”

“I guess,” Eddie said.

“Like Richie,” Bev said smirking.

“Fuck off, Marsh,” Eddie said.

“You love me.”

“You’re lucky I do.”

There was a knock at the door.

“Come in!” Bev yelled.

Bill came in and surveyed the scene. “You good, Eddie?”

“You know very well that I’m not,” Eddie said tonelessly.

Bill went and sat on the bed, sitting himself against the wall and throwing his legs over Eddie’s middle, Eddie choosing to rest his arms over Bill’s legs.

“How much did you tell her?” Bill asked.

“Everything she needed to know,” Eddie said noting Bill’s relieved look when he realized that Eddie didn’t say anything about him. “But I wanna talk about something else. Bevvie, you still haven’t given me all the juicy details about last night.”

“And you’re not getting any,” Bev said pressing her finger to Eddie’s nose. “All you need to know is that I did was I was supposed to do, and Ben kissed me at midnight.”

“And?” Bill said trying to prompt her.

“And,” she said stretching it out and glaring at Bill, “we’re going on a date tonight.”

“How cute,” Eddie said. “Are you nervous?”

“No,” Bev lied. She paused for a second and then said, “Yes.” She sighed. “I don’t know. Ben’s one of my best friends so this should be easy but it’s not and not cause it’s weird but like… I don’t know. I don’t want to mess it up.”

“You won’t,” Bill said. “That guy has it bad for you.”

“And you did the hard part already,” Eddie added. “Just enjoy yourself.”

Bev hesitated for only a second before getting up, jostling Eddie the whole way. He settled on a pillow against the headboard, keeping Bill’s legs draped over him. Bev went to her closet and started pulled out clothes.

“This is going to take a second,” she said, “so I want to keep talking about you two idiots.”

Eddie said, “We already talked about me,” at the same time Bill said, “What about me?”

“Listen, guys,” Bev said still sorting through her clothes, “I already did what I was supposed to do. I told Ben, and now we’re living happily ever after.” She put some clothes back in her closet. “Eddie, you can’t do anything right now or else you’ll be an asshole. But Bill…”

“W-what are you s-s-saying?” Bill asked.

“Don’t play stupid with me, Big Bill,” Bev said without a tone of empathy. “You can’t sit here and pretend you weren’t absolutely lusting after Mike last night.”

Bill went completely red. He opened his mouth to say something but chose against it and close his mouth again.

“He has no idea,” Bev said. “Not a fucking clue, so don’t worry about being too obvious.”

“I, um, I,” Bill tried saying. “It’s not th-thuh-that.”

Bev eyed him suspiciously, but Eddie knew better. He knew that Bev meant well, but there was no way to explain to her what she did wrong. Eddie knew. Of course, Eddie knew what Bill was upset about. It wasn’t that easy when Eddie came out to his friends. There’s was no way of knowing what they would say and how they would react. It was fine, but there was no way to know for sure. Not long after, Richie admitted that he was queer too, that sure, girls were pretty, but he thought guys were hot too. Later, he thanked Eddie. He probably wouldn’t have said anything if Eddie hadn’t first.

And now there was Bill. It was fine when Eddie guessed because Eddie was queer too, but Bev noticing likely made it weird, uncomfortable. Their friends had gotten used to Eddie and Richie being out these past few months and likely forgot how hard it was, how hard it could be to come out even when you know you’ll still be loved.

“It’s okay, Bill,” Eddie said holding out his hand. Bill took it.

“I h-ha-haven’t even s-s-said it yet,” Bill said. “I kn-know I like Mike, but I haven’t even said the other p-puh-part yet.”

Bev mouthed the words “other part” soundlessly. She moved to sit at the foot of the bed.

“I’m – I’m qu-qu-queer,” Bill said. “I’m queer. A big fucking faggot who like girls and guys and it doesn’t matter. I like Mike, and I’m fucking queer.”

Bev tried to be secret about wiping a tear from her eye. “I love you, Bill, and not to steal your thunder…” She took a ragged breath. “But I think I am too.”

 _Oh_ , Eddie thought, maybe Bev wasn’t doing anything wrong. Maybe she was just trying to make it easier.

“But that’s enough of that,” Bev said wiping her eyes one last time and getting up from the bed. “No more sappy bullshit.” She pointed at Bill. “You need to get your shit together. The worst thing he’s going to do is say no.”

“Easy for you to say,” Bill said. “Ben’s been in love with you since m-m-middle school.”

“And who’s to say Mike hasn’t been in love with you that long?” Bev said returning to her closet.

“She’s right,” Eddie said.

“Shut up,” Bill said. “You have no right to talk.”

“It’s not my fault he’s in a relationship.”

“You did it on purpose s-s-so you wouldn’t have to do anything about it.”

“You have no proof. You’ll never hold that up in a court of law.”

“You admitted it yesterday, well after he was committed.”

“Circumstantial. Here say says I may have been in love with him for years and didn’t even know it.”

“Boys!” Bev said holding up two outfits. “Quit flirting and help me. I’ve narrowed it down to two outfits for tonight.”

In one hand was a floral dress with long sleeves, dark in overall tone and really complemented Bev’s eyes. She would have to wear tights and boots with it in this winter cold to make it work. In her other hand was a nice red sweater that somehow didn’t clash with her hair. Eddie assumed she would wear distressed blue jeans with it because those were the only pants Bev seemed to own.

“Dress,” Eddie said. “Definitely the dress.”

“Don’t you think it’s too nice?” Bill asked.

“No,” Eddie explained. “It’s a casual dress. An everyday one, so that way she’ll look good enough if they go somewhere nice but casual enough if they end up going for a walk in the park or something.”

“That makes sense,” Bill said.

Bev went to put away the sweater, choosing to take Eddie’s advice on the dress.

“It helps that me and Richie help her plan outfits every week,” Eddie said. “Plus, I know that Ben is crazy for that dress.”

“That,” Bev said eyeing the dress, “is very good information to have.”

She took the dress into her closet and closed the door. She reemerged a minute later with the dress on. Eddie couldn’t blame Ben. The dress complimented every attractive part of Bev, which was most of her. He couldn’t help but wonder if he would have had a real crush on her if he was into girls. Probably.

Bev stood in front of the mirror, smoothing her dress and turning to look at herself from all angles.

“You look hot, Bevvie,” Eddie said. “Don’t let anyone tell you different.”

“You have to say that,” Bev said. “But you have no idea what you’re talking about.” She turned to look at them. “Bill? What do you think?”

Bill bit his lip. “Do you really want me answering that?”

“So, I look ugly.”

“No!” Bill tried to say. “I meant that, you know, we used to d-date, and it feels weird.”

“Until you tell me I look hot, I’m going to assume you think I look bad.”

Bill sighed. “You look really fucking hot, Bev, and I’m really started to miss that time when were 13 and dated for like three weeks.”

“Thank you,” Bev said turning back to the mirror. “Yeah, this was a good choice, Eddie.”

“It’s because I’m a fashion genius,” Eddie said.

“Says the guy who wore fanny packs until he was 14,” Bill said.

“It’s fashion, Billy,” Eddie said.

Bev went to sit at her vanity to start her makeup. She had attempted to teach Eddie how to do makeup at one point, but she ended up looking like a clown at the end of it and she almost start crying she was laughing so hard. He didn’t mean it, and it looked awful, and from that point she never let him touch her makeup again. But that didn’t mean he didn’t love watching her put it on.

Eddie got up and walked over to the vanity behind Bev, putting his arms around her neck and resting his chin on the top of her head. He had done this before and knew she still had enough movement to keep putting on her makeup.

“Hey, cutie,” she said. “You want me to cover those hickeys before your mom sees?”

“Nah,” Eddie said. “I want to see the look on her face when she sees them.”

Bev brushed some kind of powder on her face. Eddie still didn’t know what all of it was for.

“And who are you going to say gave them to you?” Bev asked.

“Only her favorite little whore,” Eddie said.

Bev proudly smiled. “Are we dating in this scenario?”

“Nope,” Eddie said. “You are making a very dishonest man out of me.”

“How scandalous. Give her my best.”

Eddie went home after Bev left for her date with Ben. It was later than he told his mom, and she was sure to be waiting for him to make sure he felt bad for leaving her alone and worried. He tried to sneak in quietly, hoping that the volume of the TV would be loud enough to block the sound of the door opening. It might have been, but his mother had ears like a bat whenever Eddie was late coming home.

Before he could even take his shoes off, she met him at the door wearing her evening robe and a scowl.

“Do you know how worried I was?” his mother said. “You said you would be home this afternoon and it’s almost 7 now.”

“Sorry,” Eddie said. “I was hanging out with my friends.”

“You could have called,” she said. “You know, horrible things happen to people all the time, even here, and something could have happened to you and I would have had no idea.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said again. “I’ll be better next time.” He tried to move around her to go up to his room, but she blocked his path.

She grabbed his chin and lifted his face to examine his neck. “Are those…?” she started. “What exactly were you getting up to last night, Edward?”

“It’s nothing, Ma,” Eddie said pushing her hand away.

“Nothing,” his mother repeated with distaste. “I thought I taught you better. Save it for marriage or else you’ll get who knows how many STDs from everyone you’re in contact with.” She sighed with exasperation. “Did you see that redheaded girl last night?”

“Her name is Beverly, Mom,” Eddie said getting mad. “And no, it was just boys last night at Bill’s.”

His mother looked him up and down, catching his stare and holding it for a second. “Well, I think tomorrow morning we should take you to the doctor to make sure nothing’s wrong. Who knows what you could have contracted with those marks?”

“Fine,” Eddie conceded knowing that was an argument he would never win. “Can I go?”

“After you eat dinner,” his mother said. “You’re so skinny, you need to eat more. And come watch Jeopardy with me. It’s almost on and a boy needs to spend time with his mother.” She ended that with a pat on Eddie’s cheek. He leaned into it, knowing that gentle touches like that were rare from her, usually opting for aggressively checking him for injuries or disease rather than the soft touches that came from pats like that.

“Sure, Ma,” Eddie said. “I’d love to.”

Eddie ate his dinner and watch Jeopardy with his mother, relishing in the little moments like this when he didn’t completely hate her, watching her guess every question wrong and after saying “Oh, I knew that,” or “The show got that wrong”, and Eddie would nod and laugh sometimes and it was okay. But he could only take so much of it before he had to excuse himself to his room.

He went up to his room and was not at all surprised when he opened his door and found Richie lounging on his bed reading a comic book.

“You’re late,” Richie said.

“Late for what?” Eddie asked.

“I’ve been here for, like, an hour,” Richie said closing the comic book and fanning himself with it. “I thought your mom would find me a while ago.”

“Jeopardy’s on,” Eddie said as though it was an explanation. “What are you doing here?”

It wasn’t as though this was the first time Richie showed up unannounced, likely sneaking through Eddie’s window, but usually it was at night, and usually Eddie was here. Every once in a while when Richie needed to get out, he would go to Eddie’s and Eddie wouldn’t be there, so he would let himself in and wait. He never had to wait for that long.

But these past few months, something had changed. Richie started coming less and less often, and soon Eddie found out it was because he was sneaking into Katie’s room instead. Before today, he couldn’t have explained why it hurt so much that things had changed. He said he missed his friend but that only ever felt half-true. Now that he knew the other half, he kind of wished Richie wasn’t here.

“Can’t I hang out with my best friend?” Richie asked. He patted the space on the bed next to him. “Sit with me, my boy.”

Eddie wished Richie wasn’t there because he knew it would be bad for him. He knew Richie would ask Eddie to sit with him, and they would sit close because that was what they did. They would practically sit on top of each other and it wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but it would this time because Eddie knew.

Eddie wished Richie wasn’t there because he didn’t even hesitate to squeeze himself next to Richie on his twin sized bed, their shoulders and legs pressed together, Richie’s face only inches from his. A proximity that never meant anything before. A proximity that always felt natural. Eddie wished Richie wasn’t here.

“I know you apologized,” Richie said, “and you don’t want to talk about it, but who gave you those hickeys?” He finished with a cocky grin.

Eddie had all day to think about it. He claimed that he went to Noah because he wanted to prove to himself that he didn’t need Richie. He didn’t prove anything, he realized, and instead decided that he did it to make Richie jealous. A fruitless endeavor, remembering that Richie was with someone else and he would likely just want to know the details of his best friend’s hookup. It was stupid to think otherwise.

“Was it Goodall?” Richie asked. “You took my advice?”

“Maybe it was,” Eddie said smugly. “Maybe it wasn’t.”

“So, it was,” Richie confirmed. “How far did you get?”

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“A homerun. Way to go, Eds.”

There was something lackluster about Richie, like he was trying to hide something. Eddie wanted to ask about it, but knowing Richie, he would play it off like it was nothing, that he was sick or tired or whatever. Eddie didn’t bother.

“Alright,” Richie said shifting to sit on his knees and face Eddie. “I want all the details.”

“All of them?” Eddie said feeling slightly uncomfortable.

“You – you don’t have to,” Richie said reeling back. “I thought you might want to, though, cause Goodall’s fucking hot and like, sex is a big deal. But if you don’t want to–”

“It’s fine,” Eddie cut him off. “What – what do you want to know?”

Richie licked his lips and hesitated. “Uh, what is it like? With a guy?”

“Um,” Eddie said thinking and scratching the back of his head, “I think I changed my mind. I don’t, um, I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine,” Richie shrugged and looked away. 

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds after that and Eddie racked his brains to find something to say or to talk about. He didn’t realize that Richie was asking a genuine question, not to get details about Eddie’s sex life, but because he was curious. At least, that was what Eddie was reading. But Eddie didn’t want to talk about it. It was already hard enough having Richie guess that he had sex with Noah Goodall and wanted to talk about it. He would rather talk about anything else than that.

Eddie got up and went over to his radio. He popped in whatever cassette was sitting there, not realizing it was the one Richie made him for his birthday. He listened to it on repeat for the next month.

The first chords of “Achy Breaky Heart” started playing. Eddie wanted to hate the song, but Richie loved it and loved being annoying about it, so by proxy, and he would never tell Richie, but Eddie loved it too. Or maybe he just loved Richie. 

The rest of the songs were ones that Eddie actually liked, but it was just like Richie to pull something like that.

“Oh, hell yes,” Richie said.

Eddie turned back and Richie had returned to his place lounging on the bed. He was mock conducting the song, and Eddie could tell he was getting ready to sing.

“ _You can tell the world_ ,” Richie started singing, “ _you never was my girl. You can burn my clothes up when I’m gone_.”

“Shut up,” Eddie said not bothering to hide his laughter.

“Come here and make me,” Richie said returning to sit on his knees. He started taunting Eddie by patting his hands to his chest. “ _You can tell my arms go back to the farm, you can tell my feet to hit the floor._ ”

Eddie moved to Richie, hoping to tackle him to the bed which would shut him up for a second, but once he was within reach, Richie grabbed him and wrestled him down, straddling him and pinning his wrists to the bed. Eddie almost admitted to himself that he let Richie do that.

“ _But don’t tell my heart,_ ” Richie sang at him keeping him pinned, “ _My achy breaky heart, I just don’t think he’d understand._ ”

Richie was laughing as he sang and it lit up his face, highlighting everything beautiful about him. His eyes sparkled and shone with happiness, and his nose scrunched in a way that Eddie never would have thought could be so cute. Eddie tried to count Richie’s freckles, memorizing where they were on his face and the way they moved with his cheeks as he kept singing. Then there was the way his curls fell ever so softly, framing his face perfectly. Eddie wanted to tangle his fingers in there, imagining that he would kiss every part of Richie’s face as he tried to smooth out his curls to no avail. It would be perfect.

“ _And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, he might blow up and kill this man._ ”

Eddie was done for.

Going back to school was always the worst. After two weeks of having nothing to do except some bullshit obligatory family events, getting back into school was always difficult for Eddie. He did not understand how some people were ready, or even excited, to get back into it. He could say, though, that he did miss the excuse of somewhere to be besides home, and somewhere his mom wouldn’t question either.

The halls were filled with people talking about their breaks and where they went and the family they saw. Half the girls sported new haircuts and brand-new outfits, Eddie overhearing them say “new year, new me”, pretending they were going to be someone else this year. Good for them, Eddie thought wishing he had that much confidence to walk into school acting like someone he wasn’t. Or even to be fully himself.

But none of that mattered. The only thing that mattered to Eddie was getting back into his schoolwork to keep his grades up. He knew the only way out of this hellhole of a town was college, and he wasn’t going anywhere without a good scholarship. He wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise and there was no way his mom would let him leave without a college or a job. School had never been easy, so Richie helped him.

 _Oh fuck_. Richie would have to help him study, just like he always did, and Eddie was not looking forward to it. Eddie thought that realizing he was in love with Richie would have made him want to be around Richie more, to try and claim as much time as he could, whenever he could, but the exact opposite was true. He wanted to forget that Richie existed. Every time he thought about Richie, he thought about Katie, too, an always lingering thought that made Eddie feel guilty in a way that was starting to eat at him. Katie was good to Richie and really nice and they seemed happy. There was nothing complicated about their relationship because they didn’t have to hide it at all. They could tell their parents and their friends and show affection in public. It was selfish for Eddie to want to take that away from Richie, to want him for himself, to put Richie into a hidden relationship when he could be happy with someone else. It was easier to wish that Richie didn’t exist, but Eddie wanted to be selfish so badly.

He would have to put that away, pretend like nothing was wrong. Bev and Bill knew, and he was sure that maybe the others were catching on, but with Richie, things couldn’t change. Richie could never know.

But it was so hard not to think about it when he walked into school and saw him and Katie standing close to each other by her locker. She was sifting through it, and Richie was leaning in close to her ear saying something funny. It must have been because she was laughing.

Eddie swallowed his anger and turned the other way down the hall thanking everything his locker was in that direction.

He opened it and inside was a note he swore wasn’t there when he left before break. He took it and read it:

“Meet me in the bathroom at lunch. N.G.”

Eddie felt his face flush. He looked around to make sure no one saw the note, and caught _his_ eye down the hall.

Noah had been watching. They locked eyes for only a second, he winked, and then looked away. Eddie again thanked everything that Bill was in his first hour.

They were both early to class, per usual, and Eddie passed him the note.

“Sounds like he wants to fuck you in the bathroom,” Bill said in a hushed tone.

“Yeah,” Eddie said, “I got that much. What do I do?”

Bill shrugged. “Whatever you want to do?” He took a breath. “Look, I d-d-don’t know what you’re going through, but if you like him, then what’s the harm in seeing what he really wants from you?”

“I don’t know if I like him,” Eddie said. “I don’t think I do. He was just… something to… distract me.”

“Then don’t go,” Bill said. “Don’t give him anything to think you still want something from him.”

“Okay,” Eddie said nodding. “Yeah, sure. I won’t go.”

“It sounds like you want to,” Bill suggested.

“What do you know?” Eddie said.

Bill opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by the bell ringing and the teacher starting class. Eddie didn’t know what to do, but he was glad for the end of that conversation. He would have rather focused on chemistry than whatever the hell was going on in his head right now.

But lunch came, and Eddie was still thinking about it. He showed up to the lunchroom, ready to skip out on the invitation, but then he saw Richie and Katie already at the table. He had his arm around her, and he was going on about something. Eddie couldn’t hear, but he could tell from his expressions that Richie was doing the British Guy impression. Katie laughed and kissed his cheek. A blush spread across Richie’s face and he looked at her the same way Eddie could tell he was looking at Richie.

He went to the bathroom.

“Didn’t think you’d come,” Noah said as Eddie walked in.

“Not yet,” Eddie said feigning confidence. “You have to get it out of me first.”

“Anyone ever told you how fucking hot you are, Kaspbrak?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“Lock the door.”

Eddie did what he was told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's from "Achy Breaky Heart" :P
> 
> Also if you haven't seen it, please do yourself a favor and watch the achy breaky heart music video because 1) Billy Ray is living his best life 2) he's a fashion icon and 3) the song slaps
> 
> AND it's my headcanon that everyone in the losers club is queer except Ben (but he drinks respect women juice so it's okay) because that's how it works, like all of my childhood friends including me ended up being queer because we flock to each other without even realizing it lmao


	4. i don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet" by Fall Out Boy 
> 
> Originally two chapter titles came from fall out boy but I really felt the need to change one. The other was chapter 2 and it was originally from "Dance, Dance" and the line was "I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me" which slaps but the one I ended up using tied in with the first chapter title anyway h

It went on for a few weeks after that. Eddie would meet Noah in the bathroom or at his house or one time in the locker room after a football practice. Usually they would just make out, and sometimes Noah’s hand would end up down Eddie’s pants, and a few times they went all the way. It didn’t mean anything, Eddie justified. Noah was a distraction and nothing more.

But that didn’t stop him from enjoying himself. Any time Noah asked, Eddie answered, grateful that someone, _anyone_ , was attracted to him, even on such a surface level as it was.

No one else knew about it, although Eddie had the slightest idea that maybe Bill had figured it out considering he was the only one Eddie showed the original note to. But if Bill knew, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t say anything when Eddie showed up late for lunch claiming he was in the bathroom, and he didn’t say anything when Eddie blew him off for studying to go to Noah’s, and he definitely didn’t say anything when he saw another note stuck inside Eddie’s notebook. Eddie didn’t want to talk about it, but he also kind of wanted Bill to say something, too.

It wasn’t until February came around that Eddie realized something had changed. He wanted more. Sure, it was nice to have someone to distract him and make him feel good, but now, with Richie and Katie still going strong, and Bev spending more and more time with Ben, Eddie was starting to want that. It didn’t have anything to do with Richie when he got upset over him casually putting his arm around Katie because he felt the same when he saw Ben do that to Bev. He wanted the casual touches and the secret whispers and the dates and the romance of it all. But that wasn’t what he had. And he doubted that he even wanted that with Noah. He just wanted it.

But like every time he needed a distraction, Noah was there. Except this time, he wasn’t. Eddie hadn’t gotten an invitation from Noah for a few days, and he used to rely on one a few times a week. Eddie had never reached out to him before except the first time, but this time was different. Eddie needed the distraction, so this time he left a note in Noah’s locker. It wouldn’t be any different.

At least that’s what Eddie thought.

He was standing at his locker talking to Richie. Richie was going on and on about the new Bill Murray movie that was out. It was the funniest thing he had ever seen and now he had to relay every scene word for word to Eddie.

“If you tell me everything that happens,” Eddie said cutting Richie off, “then why should I see it?”

“Because I’ll do impressions while we see it,” Richie said. “Specifically, groundhog impressions.”

“Is that supposed to be impressive?”

“Not yet,” Richie claimed. “But I’m working on it so when we go see it this weekend, it’ll be perfect.”

“Perfect enough to get us kicked out?” Eddie asked already knowing the answer.

“Hell yeah,” Richie said.

Eddie laughed, trying to ignore how his heart skipped when Richie outright assumed that Eddie would say yes to going to the movies. Eddie had to ignore that a lot these days. He hated that he wasn’t getting over Richie, and he hated that every time Richie talked to him, his heart swelled. But he loved it, too.

“Hey, Kaspbrak!” came a voice from down the hall. Eddie recognized it immediately. His heart stopped.

Noah Goodall stepped up between him and Richie, and pulled out the note that Eddie had left for him.

“You think this is funny?” Noah said. Eddie was confused but understood enough. Their arrangement was on Noah’s dime exclusively. Eddie was just a pawn in Noah’s good time. “You fucking fags are so entitled to shit.”

Eddie avoided looking at Richie, and even at Noah. He tried to think, but it was hard to do that when Noah pushed him down. Eddie landed with a hard thud on his back. He propped himself up on his elbows as Richie stepped in front of him.

“Fuck off, Goodall,” Richie said. “Go pick on someone your own size.”

Eddie couldn’t help it. He felt his heart swoosh when Richie stood up for him.

“Why don’t you tell your boyfriend to stop coming onto me?” Noah said waving the note in front of Richie. “This fucking fag needs to take a step back a realize that he ain’t hot shit like he thinks he is.”

“Are you sure you’re not talking about yourself?” Richie said sarcastically.

“Couple of stupid fucking fairies,” Noah said looking between Richie and Eddie. “You better watch yourself, Tozier.”

“Why?” Richie said. “You scared you’ll realize you were the fucking fairy all along?”

Noah didn’t like that. Eddie could read it in his eyes before he reeled back and punched Richie square across the face. The blow pushed Richie into the lockers, and he slid to the ground. Noah gave Eddie a look of discontent. A look that read, if you talk to me again, I’ll kill you. And then walked away.

Eddie sat up and looked around briefly at everyone staring at them. They had started whispering and not a single person was scrambling to help. Eddie had to assume that no one told a teacher either.

Richie was sitting against the lockers, his face in his hands. His glasses had fallen off his face, and Eddie found them before someone could step on them. Eddie gently took Richie’s wrists to pull his hands down to see the damage. The right side of his face was beet red, and the subtle start of a black eye was forming.

“How do I look?” Richie asked. “Do I look tough? Ragged? Extra hot?”

“You look like an idiot,” Eddie said. He took Richie’s glasses and cleaned them before putting them on his face. “You shouldn’t have done that. I could have handled it.”

“Dude was about to start kicking the shit out of you,” Richie said. “I wasn’t going to let him do that.”

It took everything in Eddie to not kiss him right there. It helped that they were in school with their classmates around. And it really helped that somehow Katie had appeared at Richie’s side.

“Richie!” she said getting down and grabbing his face. “Someone down the hall told me you were getting into a fight. What happened?”

Eddie sat back and gave them space.

“Noah Goodall was being an asshole to Eddie,” Richie said. “Couldn’t let him to that to my Eds.”

She gave him a quick kiss. “My hero,” she said brushing a hair from Richie’s face.

Eddie wanted to scream. Richie was _his_ hero, not hers. Richie relished in the attention as Katie helped him up. Eddie followed and stood with them. Katie went to lead Richie to the nurse to get an ice pack, when he shot Eddie a look.

This wasn’t over. Richie had seen the note. He wasn’t going to let it go.

At lunch that day, the bruise around Richie’s eye had fully formed in the couple hours since he had been punched. He looked upset and sullen, and Eddie realized he didn’t have Katie in tow like he usually did.

Eddie wasn’t the only one that noticed.

“Where’s Katie?” Stan asked before taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Uh, with her friends,” Richie said sitting down next to Eddie. “She’s sitting with them today.”

“They can sit here,” Bev said. “We always have enough room.”

“No, it’s – it’s fine,” Richie said trying to deflect.

“You guys have a fight or something?” Stan asked.

“Or something,” Richie said quietly.

“And she gave you that black eye when you did?” Stan teased.

“You only wish you gave it to me, Staniel,” Richie quipped.

“Nah, dude,” Mike inserted. “We all heard what happened.”

“Well,” Bev said, “ _most_ of what happened.”

“We know that Noah Goodall was harassing Eddie,” Ben said. “And that you stepped in between them, but that’s about it.”

“We were w-w-wondering,” Bill said coyly, and Eddie knew he was talking to him directly, “what the hell happened.”

Eddie was on the spot. He had to come up with a reason for why Noah would act like that and fast, or else everyone would know what he had been doing. He didn’t want to be, but he was almost embarrassed over what he was doing, and the reason why.

“I don’t know,” Eddie said slowly. “I–”

“Eddie made eye contact with Goodall across the hall,” Richie cut him off, “and Goodall is so fucking repressed that he took offense and decided to start a fight. Nothing new.”

Everyone seemed to take that for what it was, nodding in agreement as they remembered all the other times insults were thrown their way, which was often, and all the times Richie got too stubborn to not get involved, which was almost as often. It was just another one of those times, and Eddie had nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Eddie caught Bill’s eye and knew that Bill didn’t believe it, but wasn’t going to push. That was fine. Bill could think what he wanted.

For the rest of the day, Richie was different. He still made jokes and tried to stay upbeat, but Eddie could read the sadness in his eyes, especially every time it was just the two of them, like Richie was begging Eddie to talk to him, but would never outright ask that. Eddie would talk to him later, after he spilled to Richie what had been going on.

Richie drove Eddie home that day for the first time in a long while. Richie usually drove Katie home, but he claimed that she was getting a ride with her friends. Eddie usually said that he was fine walking, and he said that again today, but in reality, he wished he had that level of routine and familiarity with Richie, that the years of friendship wasn’t enough, that he wanted to be Richie’s number one priority.

Richie stopped in front of Eddie’s house after a completely silent drive. Eddie was about to leave, thank Richie for the ride and run up to his room, but Richie stopped him.

“I think you owe me an explanation,” Richie said keeping both hands glued to the steering wheel despite the truck being in park.

“It’s complicated,” Eddie lied.

“Bullshit,” Richie said. “I saw what you wrote to him.”

“Fine,” Eddie said. “We were hooking up and have been for the past month. Happy?”

“There’s more,” Richie said. “I know there is or else he wouldn’t have been on the fucking rampage he was this morning.”

“I told you,” Eddie snapped. “It’s complicated.”

“I have all day,” Richie said finally turning his body towards Eddie. “Don’t pretend like you can get away with keeping secrets after I took a fucking fist to the face for you.”

Richie had a point and Eddie hated that. It was technically Eddie’s fault that Richie had a black eye, but no, it wasn’t. It was Richie’s fault he had a black eye.

“Noah and I had been hooking up and he was the one that always asked me and I never said no. Then I asked him fucking once and he got pissy about it and punched you. That’s what happened.”

“So, what?” Richie asked. “Goodall wanted to hook up when he wanted to, and you didn’t have a say in it.”

Eddie was taken aback by that. “When you put it like that…”

“Sounds like an asshole,” Richie said.

“Whatever,” Eddie said. “It’s not like I had feelings for him or anything. He was just a distraction.”

“From what?”

_From you._ “Nothing important.”

“It must have been if you were hooking up with Noah fucking Goodall.”

“It doesn’t matter, Richie,” Eddie said, tears swelling in his eyes. “Just leave me alone.” He got out of the truck, but before he closed the door, he stopped for a second, then turned back to Richie. “What did you and Katie fight about?”

“Nothing important,” Richie echoed and turned back to the wheel.

Eddie took a deep breath and closed the door. Richie drove off as soon as he could, leaving Eddie standing there on the side of the road wondering what the hell just happened.

Eddie didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about a lot of things he knew he should be thinking about, and every single one of them had to do with Richie. So instead, he went up to his room and turned his music on as loud as he knew his mom would let him. It was hard to find anything good. Half the music he had was Richie’s anyway. At dinnertime, he went downstairs and ate dinner with his mother. She noticed his somber mood and said if he didn’t feel better in the morning, she would take him to the doctor for another check-up, and he made a note to fake it in the morning to avoid that whole ordeal.

He went back upstairs and lay in his bed playing Tetris on the GameBoy that Richie had left with him so he could beat Richie’s high score. Another thing that was Richie.

And Tetris was so mind numbing that Eddie couldn’t help that his mind drifted into replaying what happened that day. First, there was the matter of Noah. Noah, who Eddie didn’t care too much about, but it seemed that Noah cared even less about Eddie, so little that he was willing to out him to the entire school and treat him like he did something wrong when all he did was what Noah had been doing for the past month. Noah didn’t care about Eddie at all. The only thing he cared about was getting off and Eddie was easy. It didn’t matter that Eddie was a person with feelings who might actually find solace in the fact that somebody found him attractive and worth his time, and Eddie thought about what might have happened if he had actually developed real feelings for Noah. He didn’t like his odds with that one.

The next was Richie. The next few things were Richie, in fact, but Richie took a punch for him. It wasn’t the first time Richie did something like that, and it wasn’t the first time Eddie’s heart flipped when it happened, but it was the first time that Richie didn’t know what he was defending Eddie over. He just did it because he cared about Eddie. And then Katie swooped in and whisked Richie away and it was over. Eddie couldn’t even thank Richie because Katie was too busy doting on her boyfriend, leaving Eddie alone with his feelings.

But Richie and Katie had a fight, or a disagreement, or whatever it was that Richie refused to talk about. It happened between that morning and lunch, and Eddie had a suspicion that it was about him. But that didn’t make sense. Maybe it was more about how reckless Richie was, and that was how Eddie fit into it all. Eddie was the one in love, not Richie. Richie loved Katie, not Eddie. They fought about Richie’s impulsive behaviors and that was it.

_My Eds_. Richie’s words rang through Eddie’s ears as he replayed that scene over and over. Richie had said _my Eds_. He could have said his friend, or even his best friend, or just used his name. But instead he had used his nickname for Eddie, the one that Eddie hated out loud and loved inside, the one that made Eddie feel special, like he and Richie had a special bond that they shared with no one else. _My Eds_ , like Eddie belonged to him and no one else. They were each other’s, and no one else’s.

But that wasn’t true. Richie was dating Katie, and that was it on that.

There was a tap at Eddie’s window, and this time it did surprise him. The only person who came to his window this late was Richie, and he didn’t expect him after their conversation today. But there he was, waiting for Eddie to unlock the window and let him in.

Eddie opened the window to Richie balancing on the garden wall against Eddie’s window. His eyes were red.

“Hey, um,” Richie said in a voice that sounded unfamiliar, “I know we’re supposed to be mad at each other or whatever, but I – I didn’t really want to talk to anyone else.”

“Okay,” Eddie said. “Come in.” It was strange to say that. Richie never waited for permission.

Richie came inside, kicked his shoes off, and beelined for Eddie’s bed. He sat down with his head in his hands and started crying. “She broke up with me.”

It took Eddie only half a second to shift into gear and comfort his best friend. Whatever happened earlier, whatever Eddie felt, it didn’t matter right now because Richie needed him. He moved to sit on the bed with Richie, putting an arm around him and pulling him close. Richie shifted to rest his head on Eddie’s shoulder.

“What happened?” Eddie asked.

“She said,” Richie sniffed, “she said I didn’t love her as much as she loved me.”

“That sounds like a bullshit excuse,” Eddie said. “You’ve always been crazy about her.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Richie said.

They sat there for a minute while Eddie rubbed Richie’s shoulder, and Richie wordlessly wiped tears from his face, eventually deciding to take his glasses off and put them on the bedside table.

“I’m sorry,” Richie said sitting up, “about earlier. It’s your business and I shouldn’t have been mad that you didn’t want to talk to me.”

Maybe it was the fact that Eddie knew he was in the wrong too, that Richie was worried about Eddie and just wanted to talk, or maybe it was how sad and sweet Richie looked with his black eye surrounded by the red puffiness from crying. But Eddie had to forgive him. Like he said, they belonged to each other.

“I’m sorry, too,” Eddie said. “I was being mean, and you didn’t deserve that.”

“Can I stay the night?” Richie asked. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Yeah, of course,” Eddie said. “You’ll have to set the alarm early so you get out before my mom wakes up.”

Richie managed to pull a cocky grin. “Eds, you say that like I haven’t done this before.”

Eddie gave him a soft smile in return. “Then you know where you left your sweatpants, Trashmouth.”

They got ready for bed and were about to get in when Eddie remembered how small his bed was. It was fine when they were younger, smaller, and could more easily fit on the bed together, when they didn’t care about some arbitrary rules that prevented them from sleeping in the same bed and sleeping close to each other. Then they grew up, got bigger, and suddenly sharing a bed was both more and less appealing at the same time. They would be pressed against each other, sweaty and gross, and Richie kicked in his sleep sometimes. But then there would be those times when Eddie would wake up first, and Richie would be tucked in close to him, and Eddie would take in everything.

But that was before. That was before Eddie knew why he liked that so much. He didn’t know if it was a good idea to share a bed with Richie right now. Not while he was freshly broken up with and Eddie was at his tipping point. So much had happened today, and Eddie was slowly convincing himself that he should send Richie home.

Eddie, against his better judgment, got into bed with Richie. They lied on their sides, facing each other in the dark.

“It feels wrong,” Eddie said thinking about Richie’s breakup.

“What does?” Richie asked.

“You and Katie seemed so good,” Eddie explained. “She didn’t seem like she would break up with you after one fight.”

“All that glitters or whatever the fuck they say,” Richie said. “It started feeling weird for a little while, and then we fought today and I knew it was over before she said it. A long time coming, I guess.”

“What did you fight about?” Eddie ventured.

“Just…my priorities, she said,” Richie said. “That she felt unimportant and like I didn’t love her.”

“And you tried to convince her otherwise, right?”

“Of course, I did. But she didn’t believe me.”

“Why?”

Richie didn’t answer for a second. “She was convinced I was in love with someone else.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asked. “Who?”

“You jealous, Eds?” Richie said as adopted his signature snarky grin.

“Shut the fuck up, asshole,” Eddie said mimicking his glee.

Eddie remembered every other night before when they used to do this. Richie would sneak over and stay the night. They would stay up late, laying in bed talking shit to each other. Eddie missed it. He missed Richie and how soft he looked in the dark and the shit-eating grin he always had. Right now, Eddie didn’t need any more of Richie than he already had.

“You know, Eddie,” Richie said with complete sincerity, “I know Noah was hot, but he was such a dick and I can’t believe you were hooking up with him like that.”

“Don’t know,” Eddie said. “Doesn’t matter anymore.” He paused. “Thanks for sticking up for me. And for covering for me. No one besides Bill had any idea that was happening and I don’t know what I would have done if they all found out.”

“Loved you anyway?” Richie suggested. “They have a talent for that.”

“I guess,” Eddie said. “Doesn’t make it any less embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing?” Richie questioned. “Explain.”

“I mean, he wasn’t special or anything. I was just being a stupid idiot that wasn’t thinking through things clearly.”

“You weren’t stupid. It’s not stupid to want to be loved.”

“But it wasn’t love… or anything close to it.”

“Yeah, but, I don’t know, maybe your brain confused physical attention with the love you’re actually craving and need. Like, maybe you couldn’t find what you need so you settled.”

“What I need,” Eddie repeated.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “You deserve someone who loves you for you and not what you’re giving them.”

Eddie caught something in Richie’s eye, a fleeting thought that shouldn’t have been there. He put it away and decided this wasn’t the time. Katie had just broken up with Richie and he needed a friend, not a confession. It was hard to not be selfish when Richie was telling him to be the opposite, to choose the love he deserves, but he didn’t know the person Richie was talking about. He didn’t know the Eddie that Richie thought deserved real, honest-to-god, good love. He didn’t know the Eddie that deserved Richie’s love.

“And who might that be, Rich?”

Richie hesitated for a second and Eddie thought he might say something stupid. “I don’t know, Eds, but he’s out there waiting for you.”

Eddie wished he wasn’t out there, but right here. “Can we just go to bed?” Eddie said softly.

Richie face grew softer. “Can you, um, can you–”

“Yeah,” Eddie said catching Richie’s want.

Richie flipped over and Eddie put his arms around him, pulling him against his chest, something they hadn’t done since middle school. Eddie tried to remember if it felt this good to have Richie in his arms before, to pretend like Richie was all his, like he was all Richie’s. _My Eds_ , Richie had said, and Eddie drifted off to sleep praying there was some truth to Richie’s breakup, that it was him, that he was Richie’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh?


	5. does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we stan 1D in this house
> 
> Chapter title from "Night Changes" by One Direction (which is a super eddie-centric reddie song hhh like "her mother doesn't like that kind of dress" and "I've been thinking about you lately" and "but there's nothing to be afraid of" and "he's waiting, hides behind a cigarette" and "she's falling, doesn't even know it yet" and "having no regrets is all that she really wants" fuck I could go on for hours)

Eddie was woken up by his alarm clock sounding, followed by the movement of someone else getting out of bed. He had only a brief second of panic before remembering that Richie spent the night. Eddie flipped onto his side to face his room and opened his eyes. Richie was slipping his jacket on and pulling his shoes out to get them on. The outside was pitch black still, and Eddie longed for summer when even in the early morning hours, there would still be the faintest bit of sun peeking out. He longed for the soft glow of the morning that would remind him he still had time to sleep, and Richie wouldn’t have to go. There was no rush, no school, no worry that Eddie’s mom would walk in and catch them.

Eddie already missed the warmth of Richie’s body against his. He knew it was bad and maybe a little selfish, but he wanted Richie to stay because he wanted Richie. He wished Richie was hoping for the same thing.

“What time is it?” Eddie mumbled knowing he could look at his clock but wanting Richie to stay, even for a second longer.

“Go back to sleep, baby,” Richie said softly. “It’s 5:30.”

Eddie still had a little more than an hour to sleep, but he would have rather had Richie stay than get some more sleep. But Richie would have to be at his house when it was time for him to get up, or else his parents would notice. Eddie just wanted a world where Richie didn’t have to leave.

Eddie sat up, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. He didn’t feel very tired anymore.

“I thought I told you to go back to sleep,” Richie said chuckling.

“Not tired,” Eddie said sounding particularly sleepy. “You can stay a little longer.”

“You know I can’t, Eds,” Richie said. “My dad gets up at 6 and I can’t sneak back in after that.”

Richie moved over to the bed and sat on the edge, contrary to his word that he had to leave. Eddie grew warm as Richie decided to stay for another minute, wishing that Richie stayed for the same reason Eddie wanted him to. But Eddie had to remind himself that Richie had just been broken up with, that he shouldn’t mess with anything right now. It wouldn’t be good for him or Richie.

But that didn’t stop Eddie from feeling special and like he was the most important person in Richie’s life.

“Yeah, I know,” Eddie said. “Are you feeling better?”

“I think so,” Richie said. “Still hurts, but you always know how to make me feel better.”

“I am gifted like that,” Eddie boasted.

“Yeah,” Richie said quietly, almost to himself, “yeah, you are.”

There was a glint in Richie’s eye similar to the one he saw last night, something that Eddie barely caught, a thought, a decision being made. Eddie only had to wonder for a second what the decision was before Richie kissed him.

Eddie knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help that he melted into Richie, taking in everything about him. He didn’t even care that both of them had awful morning breath that tasted disgusting, but it was Richie, so it couldn’t be. Richie was so soft and everything Eddie had been dreaming about. How could Katie ever let him go?

 _Fuck_. Eddie remembered that he shouldn’t be doing this, and pushed Richie off of him quickly and a little too roughly. He meant to do it in a way that was only to tell Richie to stop, but he panicked and it was abrupt, too quick to think. Eddie scooted back away from Richie and Richie stood up.

“I’m sorry,” Richie said quickly. “I thought – I’m sorry.”

Eddie opened his mouth to say something, to reassure Richie that it was fine and to explain, but Richie cut him off.

“I’ll go,” Richie said moving to the window and leaving as fast as he effectively could.

All Eddie could think to do then was watch, knowing anything he said would be a mess and likely taken wrong. And then Richie was gone, leaving Eddie alone in his room to think about what had just happened. Eddie touched his lips and couldn’t help but to smile to himself.

Eddie went to school preparing for the worst. He had no idea what he was going to tell Richie. Based on his reaction, Richie would obviously think he did something horribly wrong, that Eddie had no feelings for Richie and that he should forget about it. But that wasn’t it. Eddie didn’t want Richie to forget about it. He wanted it now, but his stupid anxiety wouldn’t let him forget that 24 hours ago, Richie and Katie were still happily dating. It was too soon, and Eddie couldn’t help but think that Richie was only using Eddie as a crutch, that Eddie wasn’t as important as he wanted to believe and only something to distract Richie from his heartbreak.

Eddie didn’t want to be that. He didn’t want to be a distraction and he didn’t want to be Richie’s rebound. Eddie knew firsthand what that might be like, knowing that using someone as a distraction usually meant there were no feelings involved. Eddie couldn’t bear to think about that. He couldn’t bear to think about the idea that maybe Richie kissed him out of lack of impulse and as a comfort seeking thing, rather than Richie having genuine feelings for him.

And then there was the way that Eddie reacted. He could have been gentler and not freaked out. He could have stopped Richie before he even got the chance, let him leave like he was planning, gone back to sleep like Richie had said. But he didn’t. There was that he had to account for.

Eddie got to school and went directly to his locker, hoping to get his things and go to first hour before he caught sight of Richie. He remembered that Bill was in his first hour, and briefly considered skipping so he wouldn’t have to deal with him trying to talk about whatever the fuck happened yesterday. Eddie knew Bill was waiting for the right moment.

Whatever. He could deal with Bill because Bill would drop it if Eddie told him to. He had worse things to worry about than Bill asking about Noah.

Eddie closed his locked and turned to go to class, only a second later seeing Richie. There was no time to escape before Richie looked back. It felt like an eternity, them standing there in the hallway, eyes locked, daring each other to say something first. No one would. Not this time.

Richie broke the spell and ducked into the bathroom off to the side. Eddie took the opportunity to jet past and continue to class.

He dropped his things at his desk, and sat down putting his head down in his arms. Bill would have to work if he wanted to talk to him.

“Hey, dumbass,” Bill said shaking Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie supposed that was enough work to get him to look up. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Eddie said.

“Richie knows what was going on, doesn’t he?” Bill ventured.

“When did you figure it out?”

“When you showed up to lunch late that one day.” He paused. “And every other day after that.”

“And you didn’t say anything?” Eddie asked. “Nothing about how stupid it was or even anything to get gossip?”

“I knew you wouldn’t listen,” Bill said. “Right?”

“Yeah, probably,” Eddie said solemnly. “And yes, he figured it out. But that’s over now. And Richie and I talked about it.” Eddie’s voice cracked as he said Richie’s name. He didn’t lie to Bill, he justified. It wouldn’t be lying if he didn’t say anything.

“And everything’s okay?” Bill questioned.

“Sure,” Eddie said, anxiety taking over and on the verge of tears. Nothing was okay, he wanted to say. Richie didn’t like him in the same way, and was only using Eddie for comfort. That was the only reason Eddie could come up with for why Richie would bother to kiss him. Richie could get practically anyone he wanted, and instead he chose Eddie? It didn’t make sense. The only way it would is if Richie wasn’t thinking.

But what if Richie did like Eddie? Then that meant Eddie had likely ruined any chance of there ever being anything between them by reacting the way he did, and that thought wasn’t a happy one either. Eddie just wanted his best friend back.

“Eddie?” Bill leaned over in his seat closer to Eddie and put a hand on his shoulder. Eddie got up and ran out of the classroom. He wasn’t going to cry in front of his classmates.

Bill followed him out and stopped him right outside. Eddie could feel the tears collecting in his eyes, and one let itself out, streaming down his cheek. He couldn’t hold it in any longer, and Bill wasn’t making his any easier.

“C’mon,” Bill said taking Eddie and leading him to the bathroom, the same one Richie had disappeared into. Richie had left, thank god, and it was empty.

Eddie started crying and Bill wrapped him in a tight hug. Eddie held him back, pressing his face into the crook of Bill’s neck. So much for handling it himself.

After a minute, Eddie pulled back. “I fucked up, Bill,” he said. “I fucked up really bad.”

“What did you do, Eddie?”

“I ruined every chance I had with Richie,” Eddie said. “I fucking blew it.”

“B-b-but, Katie broke up with him,” Bill said. “Wouldn’t that be good for your chances? Once he’s moved on, I mean.”

Eddie shook his head. “No, no, Bill, we had a weird fight because I wouldn’t tell him why I was hooking up with Noah and then he didn’t tell me what he and Katie fought about. And then he came by that night and told me they broke up. And I thought it was fine for a little bit cause he stayed the night, but then – then he – then he kissed me and I freaked out because I was scared he wasn’t doing it for the right reasons, and now he won’t talk to me.”

The bell rang in the hall, and Eddie put his hands up to his ears. “God, I can’t go to class now.”

“It’s okay,” Bill said. “We won’t go.” Bill took a deep breath. “I – I don’t think things are ruined. It honestly sounds like Richie put you in a bad situation. You can’t blame yourself for reacting the way you did.”

“But I can’t – I can’t blame Richie either,” Eddie said. “He was doing the same thing I was. I can’t blame him for doing the same fucking thing.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Finding a distraction,” Eddie said. “I used Noah as a distraction and Richie was doing the same thing. It’s not his fault. It can’t be if I did the same thing.”

“It’s not the same thing,” Bill said. “You don’t give a shit about Noah, but you’re supposed to be Richie’s best friend even if there’s no other feelings there. He shouldn’t have done that.”

“I lead him on,” Eddie said. “He slept in my bed and I was practically begging him not to leave in the morning. And – and – and we were talking about… stuff last night. Like I basically told him how I felt. God, of all the stupid things I had to do, I had to fall in love with him, didn’t I?”

“I still don’t think,” Bill said slowly, choosing his words carefully, “that gives him the right to m-m-make you feel like this.”

“He said sorry,” Eddie said quietly.

Bill sighed. “You need to talk to him.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to do that if he won’t talk to me?”

“Have you tried? Or did you see him in the hall and avoid him because you don’t want to talk?”

Eddie pursued his lips. “Maybe it was the second one.”

“Eddie.”

“Fine,” Eddie said wiping his eyes. “I’ll talk to him.” He paused. “Go to class. Say I’m sick or something. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Bill nodded and left Eddie alone in the bathroom. Eddie went to the mirror and looked at himself. He looked pathetic, eyes red and bloodshot, and his face flushed. He splashed some cold water on his face before returning to class.

Eddie meant to talk to Richie. At least, that’s what he told himself. But somehow the day got away, and before he knew it, the end of it had arrived.

Richie had been missing all day, too, so Eddie had that excuse for himself, even though he wasn’t actively looking.

Despite his need to talk to Richie, when the final bell rang, Eddie found himself walking up to Katie at her locker, not quite sure what he needed to say, but knowing there was something left unfinished between them. He never liked her, and he knew that was bad because she didn’t deserve it, but it seemed now, with her and Richie broken up, there was still some loose end to fix.

“Hey, Katie,” Eddie said walking up to her.

“Oh, Eddie,” she said. “Do you need something?” She eyed him suspiciously. She looked sad, and suddenly it occurred to Eddie that it might have been difficult for her to end things with Richie, that it wasn’t an easy decision for her.

“Why did you break up with Richie?” Eddie asked right out. He knew there was no use in beating around the bush with this.

Katie sighed. “He didn’t tell you?”

“He said you thought he’s in love with someone else.”

“You don’t know who?”

“Should I?”

Katie opened her mouth like she was going to say something and then closed it. She studied Eddie for a second before trying again. “Why don’t you like me, Eddie?”

Eddie felt his face flush. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you think it’s a little strange,” she said carefully, “that I hardly ever talked to you during the months I was dating Richie? You’re his best friend, and I hardly know you. Don’t think I didn’t notice how distant you were.”

Eddie stayed silent. He already felt bad about his feelings for Katie, but knowing that she had noticed really stung. He wished he had given her a real chance, and maybe now they could fix things and remain on neutral terms after everything, but Eddie’s question still remained unanswered.

“Don’t feel too bad,” Katie added. “At least you were polite about it. You never tried to make me feel bad, but… I just want to know why.” She added that last part almost as an afterthought, as though she knew the answer but wanted to hear Eddie say it out loud.

 _I’m in love with Richie_. Katie wanted Eddie to say it. _He’s in love with you, too._ Eddie needed Katie to say it.

But he knew they wouldn’t.

“You know why,” Eddie muttered.

“I guess I do,” Katie said. “Good luck, Eddie. You’re gonna need it.”

Katie shut her locker and brushed past Eddie to leave the school, leaving Eddie alone with what she had said. She hadn’t said anything that Eddie didn’t already know. What Richie said was true, that she believed he was in love with someone else, but she wouldn’t tell him. She assumed he ought to know, as if it was that easy.

Eddie needed to talk to Richie.

He went out to the parking lot and found Richie’s truck, meaning he hadn’t left yet and Eddie could stake him out. It wasn’t long before Richie came out and saw Eddie leaning against his truck. Eddie saw him come out of the school and freeze when they made eye contact, but there was nowhere to run to now.

Richie slowly made his way over, watching his feet the entire time.

“Let me guess,” Richie said once he got there. “You want to talk.”

“Don’t you think we should?” Eddie asked slightly pissed that Richie was trying to avoid it.

“Why?” Richie said. “What’s there to talk about?”

“Because you–” Eddie stopped himself before he started getting too loud. He looked around the parking lot at the other people getting into cars and milling about. “Because you know what you did. How am I supposed to let that go?”

Richie didn’t answer right away, and Eddie could see the calculation in his eyes as he debated where this conversation was going to go. “Get in,” Richie said. “I’ll drive you home.”

Eddie took that with the implied _and we’ll talk about it_ , and got in the truck.

Richie pulled out of the parking lot and said, “You want to talk so talk.”

“I –” Eddie started before realizing something. “No, you talk. You’re the one who kissed me, and I want to know why the fuck you thought you could do that.” Eddie didn’t mean to make it sound so harsh, but Richie was acting like a baby over this. Eddie was ready to talk, and he wasn’t about to coddle Richie over it.

“I don’t fucking know,” Richie said. “Because I was sad or whatever and you – you’re so… you’re so fucking… everything.” Richie took a deep breath. “You’re my best friend and you were there, I guess. I don’t know.”

“Would you have kissed anyone else?” Eddie asked trying not to seem flustered. Richie thought highly of Eddie, that was for certain, but Eddie needed Richie to say what he meant.

“I…” Richie started. “I don’t – I don’t think so.”

“So, why me?” Eddie said. “People don’t usually go around kissing their best friend when they’re sad and lonely. They kiss people they…” Eddie trailed off not wanting to finish that sentence, hoping Richie would catch it.

“I don’t know,” Richie said quietly.

“I think you do know,” Eddie said trying to push without sounding mean. He knew that Richie would shut down if this turned into an argument. He needed answers.

“I don’t know,” Richie repeated. “Does it matter?”

“It does to me,” Eddie said.

Richie didn’t say anything, and Eddie worried if he had pushed too much. It was obvious that Richie didn’t want to talk, but Eddie couldn’t let him get away with not talking. There was too much tension between them now to leave this alone. Eddie felt like he was going to explode.

But then he looked at Richie who was intently watching the road. His brow was furrowed in confusion, and Eddie realized that he hadn’t gone too far yet. In fact, he hadn’t gone far enough, and Richie wouldn’t talk until he figured out what Eddie was getting at. Eddie needed to be clear. If he wanted Richie to be clear with him, didn’t Richie deserve the same?

“Richie, I…” Eddie started, voice quivering, “I really – I think I…” He paused and took a breath. “Richie, I feelings for you. Like, romantic feelings and you can’t kiss me like that without giving me a straight answer.”

Richie pulled over into a parking lot, which took way too long for Eddie as he sat there marinating in what he had just said. He wanted to cry, and unless Richie said something soon, he might just have to start.

Richie parked and turned to Eddie. “I kissed you because I felt like you were the only person in the world that really understood me. Katie broke up with me and I was lonely and you were there to comfort me. I’m sorry.”

Eddie wiped a tear from his eye while trying to keep it together.

“But why,” Richie started, “did you push me off like you did…if you…?”

“Scared,” Eddie said trying to form a thought. “I was scared and you – you had just been broken up with and I got scared that it wasn’t real. That maybe you did it for the wrong reasons.”

“Like what?”

“Like you were lonely,” Eddie said reiterating what Richie had already said. “And you don’t share the same feelings I have, and it was an impulse thing. That it didn’t mean anything.”

“Eddie,” Richie said. “I’m sorry. I – I care about you and I can’t lose you.” He paused, biting his lip, thinking about something. “And I think I feel the same… about you. Romantic feelings and shit.”

Eddie’s heart leapt before a lump formed in his throat. No, this was wrong. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Richie was admitting that he felt the same way about Eddie, but it was wrong. Eddie didn’t believe him.

Eddie shook his head. “No, you can’t,” he started before realizing that sounded bad. “I’m not here to be your rebound or your distraction.”

Richie mouthed the word ‘distraction’. “You said Noah was your distraction,” he said. “From what?”

“I think you know,” Eddie said.

Richie paused for a second and then nodded. Inside Eddie was a constant screaming that he wished this hadn’t happened, that he didn’t stake out Richie, that he didn’t push Richie away, that he just went back to sleep like Richie told him to do. It would have been so much easier if he had just gone back to sleep.

“You wouldn’t be,” Richie said eventually. “I meant it, Eddie, when I said that I care about you. I would never try and hurt you like that.”

It took everything in Eddie to not take Richie for his word. He knew Richie believe every word he was saying, and he knew Richie would never try and hurt him, not on purpose, but there was something that Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about, and it was Katie. She never deserved Eddie hating her, and she never deserved Richie having conflicting feelings while dating her. She fell in love with Richie only to realize that she was second to Eddie and would always be. But Richie was in love with her too, and Eddie knew that.

“I know you wouldn’t,” Eddie said. “But that’s the hard part. You wouldn’t try to hurt me, but you would.”

“How can you –”

“Tell me,” Eddie said confidently, “that you still don’t have feelings for Katie. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t, and I’ll believe you, but I can’t move on until you do.”

Richie stared at Eddie, holding eye contact until he looked down. “You’re right,” Richie said. “Fuck.” Richie turned back to the steering wheel, refusing to look at Eddie. “So, now what?”

To Eddie, the answer was obvious. He had all the time in the world to wait for Richie, and he was willing to do it if Richie was too. “You get over her,” Eddie said like it was that easy. “And then we’ll talk.”

“Sure,” Richie said. “And until then?”

“You’re still my best friend, Rich,” Eddie said. “Nothing changes.” Although, Eddie wasn’t quite sure he believed that part of it. Everything would change. He knew Richie had feelings for him and vice versa. Or at least, he was pretty sure Richie’s feelings were real. He couldn’t shake that feeling that maybe Richie’s ‘feelings’ were fake, something his brain was telling him as a way of coping with his breakup. There was only one way to know for sure. That was to wait.

Richie took him home and didn’t say anything else until he said goodbye.

Eddie got a call later that night.

“Hello?” Eddie said after his mother told him he had a call.

“It’s me,” the voice that belonged to Stan said. “We need to talk.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Eddie said.

“You talked to Richie, right?” Stan asked.

Eddie sighed. He begged for this to be over despite not even having started yet. He should have expected that Richie would run off to tell someone about what happened, and by someone, he meant Stan.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Stan said. “If you guys talked about what happened, then why was he just on the phone with me wanting to talk about deep shit?”

“What did he say to you?” Eddie asked.

“Earlier today, he told me he kissed you,” Stan explained, “and that you freaked out. And just now, he told me you guys talked about it and quote, nothing changes. And then he wanted to talk about Katie for a while, so we never made it back to you.”

Sometimes Eddie got jealous of Stan. Richie told Stan things that he didn’t tell Eddie, but now that everything was on the table, he supposed that was a good thing. Richie would have somewhere to go to talk about Eddie. And he guessed he couldn’t be too upset because he was the same with Bev, but still, there was always that pang of hurt when Richie and Stan shared an inside joke or quipped back and forth. Eddie just ignored it.

“He didn’t tell you?” Eddie said mostly to himself.

“Tell me what?” Stan asked very interested.

“We, um, we sort of confessed feelings to each other,” Eddie said.

“Seriously?” Stan said sounding surprised. “No fucking way. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me that. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but he’s got it bad for you, and I kind of had a feeling about you for him.” A pause. “Wait, so why is he still so upset?”

“Because I told him we have to wait,” Eddie said. “I’m scared he’d only use me as a rebound. I want it to be real.”

“Well,” Stan said, “I think that’s probably good for him to take a break for a little bit. I guess he didn’t tell you, but his relationship with Katie was never good for him. He liked her a lot, but I could tell he was stressed about it, and when we talked about it, I knew he wasn’t completely happy with her.”

“I…didn’t know that.”

“He was probably trying to make you jealous. I can tell you, though, his feelings are as real as it gets. He really does care about you, Eddie.”

Eddie couldn’t help but smile to himself as his heart flipped. He wondered vaguely if that would ever stop or if he and Richie would get together and eventually get married and his heart would still be flipping every time Richie was around.

“Thanks, Stan,” Eddie said. “Does he…tell you anything else?” Eddie asked that trying to be coy, wanting to get anything he could out of Stan. If Richie told him everything, what else could he get?

“Oh no,” Stan said. “You can wait for him to tell you everything he’s told me. I’ve had enough of how amazing you are.”

“You can’t get enough if it’s true,” Eddie said.

“I’ve had enough of both of you.” _Click_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone give Stanny a break hhh


	6. this kind of feeling doesn't need x-rays (guaranteed chemistry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Lo-Fi Children" by Wild Party
> 
> TW brief memory of a conversation vaguely mentioning conversion therapy, and some slight non-con talk with Noah in the bathroom

“He’s waiting for you outside,” Sonia said as Eddie came into the kitchen in the morning.

“What?” Eddie asked. “Who is?”

“Richie,” Sonia said with a flavor of disgust. “If you need a ride to school, I don’t know why you can’t take the bus.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and grabbed a banana. “It’s not a big deal, Ma. He drives anyway, so I don’t know why he can’t pick me up.”

“That truck of his is so filthy and it looks like it would fall apart any second,” she said. “I would rather you walk. He’s never bothered to drive you before.”

“His girlfriend just broke up with him,” Eddie explained while peeling his banana. “He’s kinda lonely right now.”

“Girlfriend,” Sonia said as if it was a lie. “You know, there are plenty of other people you could be spending your time with, dear, like a girl, and not that boy. He’s so dirty. I’m sure you could find a nice girl spend your time with.”

Eddie knew what she was implying, but he stuck on her calling Richie ‘dirty’. He wasn’t, at least not in the way that she pictured. He recalled a moment when he was maybe 9 or 10 when she called Richie ‘dirty’ and Eddie had said ‘I like him dirty’. He told Richie what he had said thinking that he was doing something good, sticking up for his friend, but Richie laughed and said ‘you know what that means, right?’, and Eddie shook his head and Richie didn’t tell him, laughing harder.

Eddie didn’t realize how true that statement would turn out, and was embarrassed that his mother was likely suspecting that reality.

“Sure, Ma,” Eddie said trying to diffuse the tension. “Whatever you say.”

He tried to leave, but Sonia cleared her throat and pointed to her cheek. Eddie sighed and obliged, kissing her cheek while she said, “Have a good day at school, dear.”

Eddie was surprised to see Richie’s truck sitting in the road, even though his mother had warned him.

“What are you doing, Richie?” Eddie asked as he hopped in the passenger seat.

“Nothing changes, right?” Richie said. “I’m driving my best friend to school and nothing more.”

There was strain in Richie’s voice, like everything he said had been rehearsed the night before. And there was something about the way Richie said “best friend” as if he was trying to convince himself of it. Eddie knew that Richie didn’t want to wait now that everything was out in the open, but he would have to, and if it was hard for him, it was obvious. But Eddie couldn’t let him in just yet.

“Right,” Eddie said. 

Richie started driving and there were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. Eddie hated it when it was silent with Richie. If Richie wasn’t talking, that meant he was in one of his moods, he was thinking about something way too much and it was killing him. But Eddie couldn’t think of anything to talk about.

“I have a question,” Richie said, and Eddie’s heart started racing.

“What’s that?” Eddie said trying to play cool.

“I rewatched _King Kong_ last night,” Richie started. Eddie breathed a sigh of relief. “And I was thinking about how boring the island is.”

“That’s not a question, Rich,” Eddie said.

“I’m getting there,” Richie said. “The island is just dinosaurs and Kong and the natives but like, what the fuck even is Kong? Like, how did he get there if there’s only dinosaurs? Did he have parents? And why did he fall in love with a fucking human woman?”

“I feel like we’ve talked about this before,” Eddie said remembering the first time he and Richie watched _King Kong_.

“And I feel like you snubbed me for a real answer,” Richie said.

“It’s a movie, Richie,” Eddie said. “You don’t need real answers.”

“How am I supposed to immerse myself in a film when there are glaring plot holes like that?”

“Glaring plot holes like whether or not Kong has parents.”

“Exactly,” Richie said smacking his steering wheel. “I think he’s God’s creation. Like, God was like, fuck this island in particular.”

“So, he’s Jesus,” Eddie teased.

“Eds, I think you’re on to something here,” Richie said fully involved. “Some meta-level shit.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but couldn’t help smiling. It was like nothing had changed. Richie meant it.

“And I think you’re an idiot,” Eddie said. “If Kong is Jesus, then what are the dinosaurs? And what does New York represent?”

“Okay,” Richie said. “I think I’ve got it. The natives are like the disciples, the followers. They worship Kong and what he does. The dinosaurs are the nonbelievers cause for the entire movie they’re like, fuck Kong. And New York is the crucifixion cause that’s where he’s dies.”

“Then what does ‘Beauty killed the Beast’ mean?” Eddie asked. “Is Ann the fucking Romans?”

“No, I think the guys that brought Kong there are,” Richie said slightly strained. “And Ann is Mary? No, that doesn’t sound right. You know what, fuck it. I’ll get you the essay by the end of the day, sources cited, themes analyzed, all that shit.”

“Can’t wait,” Eddie said, and he meant it.

Eddie went to first hour where Bill relentlessly teased him over the dopey grin he didn’t realize he had. In Eddie’s defense, he said that things were looking up and hopefully soon they’d be perfect. He purposely kept it that vague when a few other students sat around them, and Bill knew what it meant. And Eddie didn’t even care about the note Bill gave him halfway through class that said, “I know Richie’s a dreamboat, but you look like an idiot” in regards to Eddie staring wistfully at the board.

It didn’t matter that at lunch Richie had to skip out to serve detention with his math teacher because that meant everyone else could harass Eddie over the details of what happened. No one had all the details, which surprised Eddie who thought Richie would have told Stan everything, but now that meant Eddie could spill everything. Suddenly his life had become the prime source of entertainment for his friends who just wanted to see them happy and together, even though they mostly agreed that Eddie making them wait was a good idea. (Bev reluctantly agreed because she knew Eddie was right, but she wanted them together _now_.)

And it was good. All Eddie had to do was wait an appropriate amount of time, however long that was, and Richie would be all his.

Eddie’s thoughts finally moved on when he was washing his hands in the bathroom after lunch. There were still a few minutes before class.

Someone came in.

“Hey, Kaspbrak.” Eddie turned to see Noah Goodall standing there.

“What do you want?” Eddie asked.

“Don’t play coy with me,” Noah said with a snarky grin.

“Leave me alone,” Eddie said trying to walk past him and out of the bathroom. Noah stepped in front of him to stop him. “What do you want?” Eddie asked again.

“C’mon,” Noah said moving a hand to Eddie’s cheek. Eddie slapped it away. “Don’t be like that.”

“You punch my friend,” Eddie said remembering the black eye Richie still sported. Eddie didn’t understand how Noah could move on from that like it was nothing and expect Eddie to do the same. “It’s over.”

“He was getting in my face,” Noah said as though it was a sufficient explanation. “What was I supposed to do?”

“You were the one that shoved me first,” Eddie said trying again to get around Noah and failing.

“My friends saw what you wrote,” Noah said. “Had to tip them off or else the gig was up.”

“Don’t care,” Eddie said. “It’s still over.”

Noah took a step toward Eddie and he took a step back. He had never been scared of Noah before, but suddenly he was very aware of the fact that Noah was on the football team and half a foot taller than him. His muscles that used to be enticing were now too strong and terrifying. Noah’s apathetic attitude that used to be a helpful catalyst in Eddie’s confidence was now what was fueling Noah’s ability to scare Eddie.

“I think you’re forgetting who was always in charge,” Noah said backing Eddie up to the wall. “It’s over when I say it is. So, why don’t you be good, like you used to be, and get –” Noah was cut off by the sound of someone else entering the bathroom.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” Eddie peeked around Noah and saw Ben standing near the door. “I needed to use the bathroom.”

Noah huffed. “Whatever.” He turned back to Eddie. “No matter what you say, this isn’t over, Kaspbrak.” With that final statement, he turned and left the bathroom, leaving Eddie alone with Ben.

“Are you okay?” Ben asked. “We saw Noah come in here after you, and Bill got really stuttery and nervous about it, so I thought I’d come in to check on you.”

Eddie let out the breath he had been holding as he slid down the wall to sit on the floor. Momentarily, he panicked about what kind of dirt and bacteria would be on the floor of the bathroom, but he found he didn’t care when his legs were too weak to hold him.

“’M fine,” Eddie said. “Peachy.”

“What was he – what did he want?” Ben moved to squat in front of Eddie.

“Uh, me,” Eddie said. “To put it simply, I guess.”

“But,” Ben said, “I thought he was… Didn’t Richie say he was too repressed or something?”

“Sure,” Eddie said. “But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t try to fuck the only kid at school he’s pretty sure is gay. And who also happens to be half his size so I can’t fight back.”

The bell rang in the hall. Eddie really had to stop having crises in the bathroom when he was supposed to be in class.

 _Fuck_. Math was next, and Noah was in there with him. Eddie would have rather rolled around on the bathroom floor than have to go to class. He was nearly halfway there already.

Ben stood up and held out his hand to help Eddie up. “Let’s go.” 

Eddie stood up and wobbled a little when he was upright. He suddenly felt very dizzy and nauseous.

“You sure you’re okay?” Ben asked, and for no reason in particular, Eddie found himself growing irritated with Ben’s kindness. This was Eddie’s problem and he could handle it.

Eddie mentally slapped himself. Ben was kind and good friend, and Eddie didn’t need to be get pissy over it. _Get over yourself_ , Eddie thought. Maybe he was coming down with something. A cold or maybe the flu. He debated asking his mom to stay home from school tomorrow but decided he didn’t want to go to the doctor. He would just have to load up on medicine that night and sleep it off.

“Of course,” Eddie said. “Just…a little weird, I guess.”

Ben eyed him suspiciously but didn’t press any further, and walked Eddie to class where his teacher was less than pleased that he was late. He seemed to only half-buy the lie that Eddie was sick and told him to take a seat before resuming his lesson on the quadratic formula. Eddie didn’t look, but he could feel Noah’s eyes burning a hole in the back of his head.

When the lesson was over, the teacher gave the remaining class time to start the homework. Immediately, Eddie swung around in his chair to work with Martha who sat behind him.

“Help me, Obi-Wan,” Eddie said. “You’re my only hope.”

“Maybe if you paid attention,” Martha said, “instead of showing up late, you wouldn’t need my Jedi math powers.”

“I was sick,” Eddie lied.

“Sure,” Martha said. “Is that why you keep glancing at Noah who looks pissed at you?”

Eddie stole another look at Noah who wasn’t even bothering to start his homework and was practically glaring at him. He looked back at Martha who was looking at him expectantly.

“I’m not,” Eddie said.

“Look, Eddie,” Martha said, “I know I’m not your best friend, or barely even your friend outside of class, and you rejected me over a month ago and I should be over it by now, but I still feel like there’s something weird between us. Like you’re pretending that things are okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said. “I guess I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

Martha studied him for a second before saying, “Okay.” She sighed. “What do you need help with on the homework?”

Eddie felt bad. He wasn’t treating Martha like she deserved. He noticed that a lot lately. He hadn’t been good to a lot of people that deserved better from him, and he had to change that. He remembered something Martha had said, a question left unanswered. Martha cared about Eddie, and he needed her to know that he still trusted her, that he valued her as much as she valued him.

 _It’s okay_ , she had said. She was drunk when she said it, but that didn’t make it any less true.

“Martha,” Eddie said in a hushed tone before leaning in to whisper in her ear. “I’m gay.” He leaned back. “I never answered you before, but I am.”

“Oh,” she said. “Okay.”

“And I have a hundred thousand things on my mind right now and one of them is whether or not someone like Noah Goodall is going to kick the shit out of me in the parking lot after school.”

“I’ll defend you, if you want,” Martha offered. “You probably don’t need it but if you do…”

Eddie smiled. “Thanks.”

“But what you do need is a math tutor,” Martha said. “I saw your last test grade.”

Eddie groaned. “Math is hard! Why did they have to start putting letters in it?”

“To trick you specifically,” Martha teased. “It’s not that hard once you memorize the quadratic formula.”

“The what?”

Martha rolled her eyes. “Are you even trying, Eddie? Get a math tutor.”

“I have one, thanks,” Eddie said. “He’s acing his class and knows everything about math.”

“Well, he’s not a very good tutor,” Martha pointed out, “if you still suck at math.”

Eddie thought about his math tutor, who was also his everything else tutor, and who’s name happened to be Richie Tozier. It wasn’t completely ideal considering they would start goofing off after getting bored, but Richie was really smart and helpful when he wanted to be, which unfortunately wasn’t often.

“Or are you even doing math when your tutor is around?” Martha said raising her eyebrows.

Eddie felt his face flush. “Uh, of course, I am.”

Martha reeled back immediately. “Was that a bad thing to say? Can I make jokes like that or is it bad? I’ve never known someone who is… you.”

“You’re fine,” Eddie smiled. “I’m blushing because you made a very accurate assumption.”

Martha started writing down questions in her notebook and Eddie did the same, until Martha paused and bit down on her pencil in thought.

“Look,” she said carefully, “I don’t know if this is crossing the line or anything, but…you are my friend, Eddie, and if you do need anything…like, a _date_ , for instance, you can always ask me.”

The way she said it implied everything she meant with it. If Eddie needed _a fake date_ , someone to convince other people that he wasn’t gay, that he could get a girl if he wanted to, Martha would be there for him. Bev used to be that, but now the entire school knew about her and Ben. She was off the pretend market, and Eddie didn’t realize how much he relied on her for things like that, especially when his mother assumed he and her were a thing.

“Thanks, Martha,” Eddie said. “Maybe you could tutor me a few times. At my house. When my mom’s home.”

“I think I could squeeze you in,” Martha said.

The teacher’s voice boomed from behind his desk. “Class is out in two minutes. Don’t forget about your quiz Friday!”

“How does tomorrow sound?” Martha asked.

“Sounds perfect.”

Martha came over to Eddie’s house right after school the next day. His mother had to run out to the grocery store, but they settled at the kitchen table as Eddie’s brain tried to flip off as soon as he opened his textbook.

Eddie had always been good at math until they started adding letters into it, and then his brain decided that it was too hard. He liked statistics and algebra because it was just putting numbers into an equation, and he thought geometry would be the same but suddenly shapes were a foreign concept, and don’t even get him started on calculus. Martha was too good of a tutor to put up with Eddie’s distraction that usually worked on Richie. He hated her for actually making him study.

After a short while, he heard the slam of a car door from outside, indicating that his mother had returned home.

“Your mom?” Martha asked. Eddie nodded to confirm.

Martha scooted her chair closer to Eddie. “Don’t freak out, but when she comes in, I’m going to lean into you and maybe touch your arm and stuff.”

“Does that work?” Eddie asked curious about how she was choosing to display romantic intent.

“Usually,” she said. “Proximity and touch make boys go nuts for you… most of the time.” She added that last part with a teasing tone. “Why? How do you flirt?”

Eddie had to think for a second, trying to recall how he got Richie’s attention. All he could think of was yelling and bickering and play fighting. _Proximity and touch._ Oh, maybe that’s why he liked it when Richie wanted to wrestle.

“I usually just yell at him,” Eddie said slightly embarrassed, although Martha seemed to think that was pretty funny.

The front door opened and Eddie’s mother yelled, “Eddie-bear? Are you home?”

Martha mouthed “Eddie-bear?” and Eddie rolled his eyes at her.

“Yeah, Ma,” Eddie yelled back. “In the kitchen. I’m studying with a friend.”

A second later, Eddie’s mother came in with a brown paper bag filled with groceries which she set down on the counter.

“Oh,” his mom said, “I thought when you said ‘friend’ that it would be Richie.” She moved over to the table and looked at Martha. “What’s your name?”

Eddie couldn’t ignore how pleased she sounded when she realized it wasn’t Richie. Or maybe it was because it was a pretty girl. Whatever the case, his mother was happy with who he had brought home.

“Martha Huxley,” Martha introduced. “I have math with Eddie.”

“Huxley,” Eddie’s mother repeated. “I think I know your dad.”

“Yeah, probably,” Martha said. “He’s pretty popular around here.”

Eddie didn’t know who Martha’s dad was, but he also didn’t really care either.

“Well, I’ll let you kids get back to studying,” his mother said. She started unloading the groceries, still within sight of the kitchen table.

Martha leaned into Eddie, reaching over him to explain a problem they just finished working on. She put a hand on his arm when she asked if he understood, and smiled broadly at him. He was out of his element and wasn’t quite sure where to go from here, so he smiled and nodded back, hoping he wasn’t too jittery. Martha giggled and put a hand over her mouth. Or maybe that nervous energy was a good thing that he could utilize in selling this to his mother.

He looked over to where she was slowly putting groceries away. She was peeking at them over her shoulder, trying not to be too obvious.

Suddenly, Eddie hated this. He hated that he had to lie and put on an act for his mother in order to keep living here. He hated this town and his school for breeding people who would rather see him dead than happy. He hated Noah Goodall for thinking he was entitled to Eddie simply because Noah didn’t know any other queer kids and Eddie had said yes before. He hated his mother who hated Richie who Eddie loved, and he hated her deep desire to see Eddie with a girl because she couldn’t stand the thought of him being himself.

And he fucking hated math.

He quickly stood up and mumbled something about the bathroom before going there and locking himself in. He sat down with his back to the door. In two minutes he would have to go back out there and pretend like nothing happened, but for now, he had two minutes to take a deep breath and remember why he had to do this.

_“I don’t understand how he could have turned out like this. I thought I raised him right.”_

_“Sometimes children have bad influences outside of your control. Maybe his friends lead him down this road.”_

_“I bet it was that Tozier kid. Eddie is always hanging around him and I never trusted him. Always so dirty and filthy. I bet it was him that made my Eddie this way.”_

_“But you don’t know for sure?”_

_“It’s only a suspicion, but I’m almost positive.”_

_“Well, Sonia, if you’re interested, there’s a place I heard about where you could send him. It’s like a camp and a school. It’s run by the church and it can help kids like him.”_

_“Really? Oh, I don’t know. I don’t just want to send him away like that. I want to help him. Be the mother he needs.”_

_“Sometimes things are out of your control. Sometimes parents need to admit they need help, especially single parents. If Eddie really is queer, then I wouldn’t blame you for admitting you need a little help.”_

_“I’ll think about it. It does sound like it might be a good place.”_

_“I’ll give you the brochure to read.”_

Eddie found the brochure in the junk drawer that night after his mother went to bed. He read it cover to cover, and decided that was the last place he ever wanted to end up. His mother could never know.

He took one last breath and left the bathroom. His mother had gone to the living room, the telltale sign of the TV on and playing Jeopardy reruns, and Martha had moved her seat back to where it was before.

Eddie took his seat and picked up his pencil, ready to pretend like nothing happened.

“Are you okay, Eddie?” Martha asked. “I’m sorry if I –”

“Don’t,” Eddie cut her off. “Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Martha didn’t say anything, but gave Eddie a sympathetic look.

“Can I…tell my mom that we’re dating?” Eddie asked. “I need her to believe it’s real.”

“Of course, Eddie,” Martha said. “Whatever you need to do.” She paused. “And if you ever need to talk…”

“Thanks,” Eddie mumbled. “Can we go back to studying? I need to get a good grade on this quiz.”

“Sure,” Martha said and helped him with the next problem.

Martha left an hour later, and Eddie wandered into the living room to check on his mother and ask if she wanted him to start making dinner.

“I like your friend,” his mother said instead of answering his question. “She seems nice.”

“I like her too,” Eddie said, pausing for only a second before he added, “I’m thinking of asking her out.” It left a bad taste in his mouth, but his mother seemed to buy it.

“That’s good, Eddie,” she said. “I think you’ve found yourself a nice girl.”

“Thanks, mom,” Eddie said and went to the kitchen to make dinner.

The weekend made a fresh start. It gave Eddie the cleansing feeling he had been desiring, giving him time to not think about school or the people there, and only time to be with his friends. Richie got him to go see _Groundhog Day_ like he had been dying to, and instead of a perfected groundhog impression that Richie promised, he only delivered on a mediocre Bill Murray impression. Eddie laughed anyway because he found it hard sometimes to tell Richie when a joke fell flat. He would rather lift Richie up than bring him down, and it definitely helped that every time Richie smiled because Eddie laughed, he fell in love with Richie all over again.

Although they had decided to wait, that remaining friends for a little while would be best, and on the surface they appeared to be fine, Eddie could feel the tension in the air, like he and Richie were playing a game, like they were acting out what they thought their friendship was. It was easy to fake it, but Eddie’s thoughts ran a mile a minute, thinking and overthinking everything he said, not wanting to imply anything he didn’t mean.

It was easier when others were around, so they kept it that way. They didn’t let themselves be alone with each other all Saturday or Sunday. The closest they got was their weekly session at Bev’s place to help her pick out her outfits for the week.

Eddie sat against the headboard and Richie was laying on his stomach, head propped in his hands, next to Eddie.

Bev spun in her dress that she was showing off, the ends flying up almost too high, and her stumbling at the end as she pressed it down.

“What do you think?” Bev said trying to play it off.

“Twirl like that and Haystack will fucking lose it,” Richie said.

“It’s cute,” Eddie said, “but maybe don’t twirl unless you want to flash everyone.”

“I’ll save that for Ben in private,” Bev winked.

“You’re no fun,” Richie said.

“And you’re an asshole,” Bev retorted.

Richie flipped her off and she did the same in return. “Speaking of,” Richie said, “how was your date last night? He took you to that really nice place in Portland, didn’t he?”

“I can’t believe he surprised me like that,” Bev said. “I thought we were going somewhere in Old Town but when he got on the highway and wouldn’t tell me where we were going, I thought he was taking me out to murder me or something.”

“Now that would be a Valentine’s Day surprise,” Richie said.

“There were some really rich looking people there,” Bev said. “Like CEOs and aristocrats and shit. It was fucking insane. The place was so nice they didn’t even put prices on the menu.”

Eddie whistled. “Wow, kind of wish Ben was my boyfriend.”

“Back off, Kaspbrak,” Bev said. “He’s all mine.” She pulled her fists up like she was ready to fight Eddie.

“No, thank you,” Eddie said.

“Why?” Bev asked. “Scared I’ll kick your ass?”

“Yes, actually,” Eddie admitted. “Now go show us more clothes like we came here to do.”

“You got plans?” Bev said taking some clothes from her closet.

“He wishes,” Richie chimed in. “Eds’ll probably go home and watch Jeopardy with Mommy until bedtime.”

“At which point,” Eddie continued, “you will sneak in my window and watch me play Tetris all night until I beat your high score.”

“You say that like I’m annoying,” Richie said.

“You are,” Eddie confirmed. “I don’t know why I don’t just push you out the window.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Richie said flipping onto his back and moving his feet into Eddie’s lap.

“You are a fucking menace,” Eddie said smiling.

He smiled a lot more at Richie these days, that was one thing he noticed. It was easy when someone else was there because their little spats like this lasted for only a second before someone chimed in, breaking the chain. Everything felt fine when they weren’t by themselves, but Eddie also wished it would be, that they could act like this again and not worry about crossing any lines because Richie refused to talk about how much more time he thought he needed.

Well, he didn’t refuse. He more or less didn’t say anything and Eddie didn’t ask.

“Alright, losers,” Bev said holding up a new outfit. It was a pair of ripped jeans and Nirvana T-shirt that was too big for her. “What do we think? This and maybe some boots? Or my chucks?”

“Go with the chucks,” Eddie suggested. “You’re not grunge enough to pull that off with boots.”

“I can be grunge,” Bev said.

“Not when you look like fucking Annie,” Richie said. “And is that my shirt?”

Bev examined the shirt. “Probably.” She smelled it. “Yes.”

“What do I smell like?” Richie asked.

 _Stetson and Winston_. Eddie was reminded of a younger Richie, a memory from elementary school when they were 6 or 7 or 8, and Richie thought cowboys were the coolest thing ever, and then another memory from when they were 12 and Richie first saw Stetson advertised as being a manly cologne, a cowboy on every ad. Twelve-year old Richie said it was stupid, that cowboys couldn’t sell cologne and whatever previous obsession he had was over. Cowboys weren’t cool. Somewhere along the way, Eddie caught sight of it in his room, memorized the scent without trying to, and Richie never used anything different.

“Like a boy,” Bev said folding the shirt to put in her dresser. “And shitty cigarettes.”

“That’s bullshit,” Richie said. “You used to smoke Winston.”

“That was before I had taste, Trashmouth,” Bev said.

“Whatever,” Richie said rolling over Eddie’s legs and off the bed. “I gotta take a piss. Be right back.”

As Richie left the room, Bev sat down on the bed next to Eddie.

“Talk fast,” she said. “He won’t be long.”

“About what?” Eddie said blushing. He had to stop playing innocent about these things, but he hated talking about them, even with Bev. It was easier to keep things to himself.

“Richie, stupid,” Bev said. “How long are you guys going to keep playing stupid until you get together?”

“It’s not that easy, Bev,” Eddie said thinking most things weren’t easy anymore. “I need to make sure he’s over Katie before anything happens.”

“He is,” Bev said. “But you know he won’t say anything until you do.”

“I know he won’t, but,” Eddie said, “how do you know he’s over her?”

Bev rolled her eyes. “He’s been over her since he kissed you at New Year’s. He doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for you so he would rather sit around and awkwardly flirt with you than make a move.”

Eddie put his face in his hands and groaned. “So, now what?”

“Flirt back,” Bev said, “but make it really obvious. Or just ask him out.”

Eddie groaned again.

“The shoe is on the other foot now, dumbass,” Bev said getting up. “You can’t hide behind your excuses anymore.”

“What excuses?” Richie asked coming back into the room.

“Eddie is the world’s biggest dumbass,” Bev said. “He won’t admit he needs help in chemistry even though he’s got a C.”

“C stands for chemistry, Bevvie,” Eddie said, grateful she was able to come up with something quickly. “That’s the grade you’re supposed to have.”

“You know you can just ask me, dude,” Richie said flopping on the bed over Eddie’s legs. “Always happy to help.” He winked and motioned a finger gun at Eddie.

“Thanks, Rich,” Eddie said sarcastically. “What would I do without you?”

“Probably die,” Richie said without missing a beat. He turned to Bev who was standing in front of her mirror holding up shirts in front of herself. “Hey, Beverage.”

“Yes, Dick?” Bev said.

“I have an impeding question that I have yet to answer,” Richie said. “Kong is a fucking monstrosity that only the likes of God could create.”

“Fucking hell,” Eddie muttered.

“Shut up,” Richie said. “Anyway, if God made him, he’s like God’s son, a metaphor for Jesus, right? I need more thoughts because I still haven’t figured this shit out yet.”

“You know, Rich,” Bev said tossing her clothes aside and sitting on the bed. “I feel like you should have asked literally anyone else. Perhaps, Bill? He would have agreed with you.”

“Why?” Richie asked. “Bevvie, are you about to make me hate you?”

“You know it,” Bev said smiling. “Because Kong is a manifestation of men in general. He represents the hubris of mankind and how they think they are above the law of man and God by thinking they, the filmmakers, can control Kong and take him back to New York. But that’s their fatal flaw because Kong cannot be controlled. Equals men have abnormally high pride and cannot control it. Kong dies in the end because Beauty killed Beast. The only thing that can control men and their pride is women. The only one who was kind to Kong and understood him was Ann, the only woman in the film and also the woman he ‘fell’ for, thus being the only one to control him.”

“What are you saying?” Richie asked. “That men need women?”

“No,” Bev said, “I’m saying that women are better than men because they’re stupid, prideful idiots.”

“I resent that,” Richie said.

“I figured you would,” Bev said pressing a finger to Richie’s nose. “The only man who doesn’t fall into that category is Ben.”

“Okay, I resent _that_ ,” Eddie said.

Bev gave a wide grin. “I know,” she said, “but you can blame good ol’ Dick here for asking in the first place.”

“In my defense,” Richie said, “I had no idea what I was asking.”

“That’s alright, baby,” Eddie said, testing out the flirty name that Richie had used on him a few times before, the same one that made Eddie feel good and cute and special, the same one he always hoped he didn’t blush over. “We don’t need her.”

Richie looked at him for a second, doe-eyed and at a loss for words, but like Eddie thought, it was always easier with someone else around.

“Are we all resenting each other now, or what?” Bev asked. “Because I…” She pointed at herself and then at Eddie, and ended with flipping him off.

“I’m not the one that said men are idiots,” Eddie said.

“Because you are!” Bev said. “I know too much about you to think otherwise.”

“Likewise,” Eddie said.

“Guess we’re all the asshole, then,” Bev said.

“Well, that settles it then,” Richie said snapping back into the conversation and slapping his hand on Eddie’s leg. “We’re all assholes and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I’ll toast to that,” Bev said holding up an imaginary drink.

Eddie went to Richie’s house on Monday to study after school since Bev practically set them up. Eddie lied to his mom, saying he and Richie had a project, despite them not having any classes together. It was easier this way. If he said he was going to study, then his mother would wonder why he couldn’t have “that nice girl” over again. Couldn’t she help him study like she did before?

They studied in the living room because Richie refused to let Eddie into his room, scratching his head and making up some excuse about how much of a mess it was. Apparently, there was dirty clothes everywhere and the bed wasn’t made and he hadn’t taken the trash out in weeks and it reeked. Nothing Eddie hadn’t seen before. But this time was different. He couldn’t help but noticed the blush that spread across Richie face when Eddie asked why they couldn’t go to his room, and the stutter and the hasty reply and the snarky grin that almost felt fake.

Eddie also couldn’t help but wonder what Richie was thinking, hoping it was somewhere along the lines of wanting to impress Eddie, and keeping things cordial while they shifted into whatever this weird flirting stage was.

And Eddie noticed Richie’s smile when they met up at his truck after school, and the shy way that Richie let Eddie pick the music for the drive home, and how Richie tripped over himself to open the door for Eddie at this house, and he definitely notice his red face after Eddie tested out another pet name for Richie when thanking him.

_Thanks, sweetheart._

Eddie thought that maybe he should slow down, give Richie a second to catch up and figure out where Eddie was going with this, but messing with Richie was too much fun. And besides, they would be together soon enough, and Richie would laugh about it and crack jokes and do the same in return.

They sat next to each other on the couch, Eddie’s chemistry book and notebook on the coffee table while Richie leaning over to help him work through balancing equations. There was a foot of space between them that Eddie desperately wanted to close. When Richie leaned back away from Eddie, Eddie took a second to write something down, came up with some bullshit question he knew the answer of, moved his things in front of Richie, and scooted up next to him, leaning into Richie as Richie tried explaining the answer through ragged breaths.

Martha would have been proud.

Eddie recalled every cute thing Martha did when they were faking it. He leaned into Richie, and when Richie cracked a joke to alleviate the tension, Eddie laughed, holding his hand up to his mouth and then placing it on Richie’s arm.

Richie was absolutely gone by the time Eddie left, and Eddie couldn’t wait to see Richie again.

They did it again the next day and this time Eddie caught Richie staring while he was writing something down.

The day after that, Sonia was starting to get suspicious over how long this project was supposed to take, and almost threatened to call the teacher for giving her son so much homework, so they settled for talking on the phone while Eddie played Tetris. He almost beat Richie’s high score this time.

On Thursday, Eddie said he was going to Richie’s and ran out before Sonia could protest.

He and Richie didn’t try studying this time, and it didn’t matter because Eddie was pretty sure he aced his test earlier that day. Instead, they sat on the couch, curtains drawn, legs tangled together as they sat on opposite ends, watching _Back to the Future Part III_. Eddie was adamant that the second one was the best while Richie stood his ground on the first one. They settled.

“Do you think,” Richie started, “that Marty’s going to have like, PTSD over this whole shit? He went to the fucking ‘50s and almost died. He went to 2015 and almost died. And he just fucking got hanged and almost died. And he’s only 17! He’s our fucking age and he’s doing all this shit!”

“Probably,” Eddie said. “But it’s much more fun to wonder how the fuck Biff exists in every time period ever.”

“They’re ancestors, Eddie,” Richie said like it was obvious. “If you don’t look exactly like your ancestors in a movie then what’s the point?”

“Touché,” Eddie said. “Then I like to think there’s some tall, gangly, toothpick man living his life in 1893 with his unwashed curls scaring away all the ladies.”

“Not all of them,” Richie said. “At least one must have had the hots for this toothpick man you’re describing or else we wouldn’t have this beauty that’s before you.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Rich,” Eddie said.

Richie threw a handful of popcorn at Eddie at the same time Richie’s mother walked into the living room.

“Richie,” she said. “I expect you to clean that up.”

“He made me do it,” Richie whined pointing at Eddie.

“And I’m making you pick it up,” Maggie finished. She turned to Eddie and picked a popcorn kernel out of his hair. “Eddie, dear, are you staying for dinner?”

“If my mom will let me,” Eddie said knowing she wouldn’t.

“I’ll call her,” Maggie said, and Eddie thanked her. His mother always listened to other mothers, especially when she respected them, and Sonia respected Maggie a lot for putting up with Richie. Eddie would have thought the other way around, thinking that his mother would detest Maggie for raising a boy like Richie, but he was glad it was the way it was.

Sonia ended up saying no, but it was easier to hear from Richie’s mother than his own.

Richie drove Eddie home once the movie was over. Eddie put his hand on the door handle, but Richie stopped him.

“Wait,” Richie said. “I, um, I’m not good at stuff like this.”

Eddie looked at Richie who was rubbing his hands up and down his thighs and staring out the front window.

“The whole,” Richie started and waved a hand around, “pre-dating whatever. I’m not good at it.”

This was the first time Richie was being so candid and Eddie didn’t have to pry it out of him. Usually Eddie had to talk about himself first, or get mad at Richie, or beg him. Richie never wanted to talk about himself. Eddie didn’t say anything for fear he would stop.

“Katie, um,” Richie stuttered over her name, “Katie did all that last time. She made the effort to talk to me and stuff, and she was the one that asked me out.”

“Sadie Hawkins,” Eddie remembered. “She had been flirting with you for two months before she asked you to Sadie Hawkins.”

“Yeah,” Richie confirmed. “Yeah, she did. Um, I know I talk a big game sometimes, but I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Me neither,” Eddie said. “Everything I’ve been doing these past few days is what Martha taught me.”

Richie scrunched his face in confusion. “Everything? What have you…been doing?”

Eddie suppressed his smile, though not very well. “Richie, c’mon.”

Richie’s eyes went wide. “Oh,” he said. “Oh, were you…? And I didn’t even…” He put his face in his hands. “See, I told you,” he smiled although Eddie could tell it was to hide his discomfort, “I’m not good at this.”

“Keep going,” Eddie said fondly. “I’m sure you’re better than you think you are.” Eddie took one of Richie’s hands. “Finish what you were going to say.”

Richie took a deep breath. “I’m not good at this and I know you said we should wait but I think it’s been long enough.” He paused. “Do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow? Like, on a date?”

Eddie smiled wide, so wide it almost hurt. “Yes,” he said. “Of course.”

Relief poured over Richie. “Good. That’s good.”

Eddie let go of Richie’s hand and got out of the truck saying, “See you tomorrow, Richie,” before shutting the door and running up to his house. He stopped a second before opening the door, and turned back around to Richie who was watching him from his truck. Eddie gave a small wave. Richie gave one in return.

Sonia wouldn’t stop badgering Eddie about why he was smiling so much, and Eddie lied and said that Martha said yes to going out with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! OH!!!!!!!
> 
> also I have no opinions about king kong like these guys do (I am Eddie in this scenario) but the english major in me would likely take Bev's side if I had to write an essay on it lol although I can see at least three of my professors taking Richie's side about Kong being a Christ metaphor


	7. the beating of our hearts is the only sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany (hhhh reddie af song go listen)

He avoided Richie all day except for their scheduled ride to and from school. He didn’t plan it, it just sort of happened when he realized what going on a date with Richie would mean. _Everything would change_. Far from deciding that nothing would change just over a week ago.

Eddie avoided Richie only because he was scared he was going to mess things up. He was scared that he would be weird or say something wrong and Richie would want to call it off. He was scared that if this didn’t work out, he and Richie wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore and they would drift apart and break apart their friends and that was the last thing Eddie wanted. He was scared that somehow his mom knew he was lying and was currently making plans with the camp in the brochure, her having loaded up the car for him to leave as soon as he got home so there would be nowhere to escape to.

It helped that Richie was kind of avoiding him too. They talked a little bit and said hi in the hallways and sat next to each other at lunch, but there was a distance too, something between them that was about to catch on fire. But in a good way, Eddie thought. But they had to wait for tonight to do it.

The distance was not lost on their friends who eyed them suspiciously at lunch. The tension was there but so were the ever-present smiles on their faces.

“What the fuck is going on with you guys?” Stan asked eventually.

The two of them shared a look before Richie launched into a long-winded story of yearning and lust and heartbreak and betrayal and two star-crossed lovers that no one could make heads or tails of (except Eddie).

Once Richie had finished, everyone turned to Eddie who simply said, “He asked me out.”

Thus, began the excited chattering and questioning that Eddie was trying to avoid. Everyone talking at once, asking the same questions about how it happened and what who said and everything else. It lasted only a minute before they calmed down, but that minute lasted an hour because Eddie didn’t want to mess things up. If he said the wrong thing, Richie would know. It would be over.

Bev and Bill invited themselves over to Eddie’s after school, and Ben tagged along too, to make sure Eddie was properly ready for his date with Richie, although, when they got there, it was mostly Bev making sure he looked good enough while still trying to squeeze the juicy details from Eddie.

They picked out an outfit, a red button-up and some tighter fit jeans, the ones Sonia constantly tried to convince Eddie to throw out because she assured they were too small on him, the ones that fit his body perfectly and Bev assured would leave Richie staring at his legs all night.

Eventually, Eddie and Bev ended up on Eddie’s bed, Bev painting Eddie’s nails, and Bill and Ben continuing their card game on the floor like they had been the entire outfit choosing process.

“You guys think I’ll be fine?” Eddie asked. “I’m so scared I’m going to mess this up.”

“You’ll be fine, sweetie,” Bev said. “Richie’s got it bad for you.”

“Yeah, but,” Eddie said. “I don’t really know how to do all this dating stuff. What am I supposed to say? What do I do?”

“Richie will probably be a perfect gentleman,” Bill said. “Opening doors, paying for dinner. He probably won’t even hold your hand unless you do it first.”

“Bet he’s as worried as you are,” Ben said.

“I still can’t believe Richie was the one to ask you out,” Bev said. “I didn’t think he had it in him.”

“He was still an idiot about it,” Eddie said. “Sounded a little like Bill when he did it, honestly.”

Bill huffed a laugh. “We c-cuh-can’t all be Shakespeare.” He glared at Ben.

“Not my fault I’m a natural born poet,” Ben said.

Bev laughed. “Yeah, sure, and how many poems have you written for me?”

Ben scrunched his face. “One…”

“And it was the best damn poem I’ve ever read,” Eddie said. “ _Your hair is winter fire, January embers –”_ Bill chimed in with Eddie for the last line. “ _My heart burns there too._ ”

Ben went red and then played a card that caused Bill to mutter “fuck” under his breath.

“You want to play that game, Kaspbrak?” Bev asked and suddenly it occurred to Eddie that he shouldn’t be poking fun of her boyfriend while she was painting his nails. “Then let’s talk about that guy Richie.”

“Like gooey, sappy shit?” Ben asked. “Because he probably doesn’t have any idea about the kissing bridge.”

“Honey, you’re a genius,” Bev said, her eyes lighting up.

“C’mon, guys,” Bill said. “Don’t you think it would be better for Richie to tell him about that? More romantic?”

“Don’t forget that you chimed in too, Billy,” Bev said. “I know some things about the apple of your eye that is bound to make you cry yourself to sleep over how in love you are.”

Bill’s eyes went wide and he looked to Ben who did not catch Bill’s anxiety. When he saw this, Bill calmed down. Eddie wanted to know too, but that would have to wait until Ben wasn’t around.

But wait. What did they say about the kissing bridge?

“Explain yourself, Marsh,” Eddie said.

“The kissing bridge, Eddie,” Bev said in an enticing tone. “Legend has it, that if you carve you and your lover’s name and kiss on the bridge, you are bound for eternity. Like soulmates, but with work involved.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “Everyone knows that.”

“Legend also has it,” Bev said, “that a 13-year old boy with messy hair and bug-eyed glasses and an ugly Hawaiian shirt was chased out of the arcade by local psychopath child murderer Henry Bowers for being into boys. This boy ran all the way to the bridge and carved two little letters on the bridge with a plus sign in between. Three guesses what those two letters are.”

Eddie shifted uncomfortably. “Don’t make me guess, Bevvie.”

“R plus E,” she said quietly.

A card slapped on the ground as Ben and Bill tried to ignore her.

“He told you that?” Eddie asked.

Bev shrugged. “A couple years ago you were out of town with your mom and he got high and started crying over it.”

“We went out to check the next day,” Bill said. “Just in case.”

Eddie thought back to all of the times he rode past the kissing bridge on his bike, mindlessly looking at all of the carvings, recognizing a name here and there, but nothing substantial, nothing worth remembering. He didn’t know how he missed it.

“I know you’re worried about your date, Eddie,” Bev said, “but you shouldn’t be. Richie really likes you and he has for a long time.”

“We think he started dating Katie to try and get over you because he thought you were straight,” Ben said.

“But then you came out,” Bill said.

“It was all downhill from there,” Bev said with sympathy. “Katie never stood a chance against you. He liked her, I know he did, but he always liked you more.”

Eddie’s head felt heavy and his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He was going to disappoint Richie. He knew it. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“Sweetie,” Bev said trying to calm him down, “we weren’t trying to scare you. We just wanted to make sure you knew how much Richie cared about you. You couldn’t mess this date up if you tried.”

Eddie violently shook his head. “If he’s had feelings for me for that long, then yeah, I am going to disappoint him. I’m not what he thinks of me.”

Ben put his cards down and moved to the bed, sitting between Eddie and Bev. “Look, Eddie, you _are_ going to disappoint Richie. He’s going to realize that dating you isn’t sunshine and rainbows like he always dreamed it would be. And you’ll be disappointed too, but if you love him, then you’ll figure it out and it will work.” He paused and looked at Bev who was lost in watching him talk. “And it will be good because you had to work for it,” he turned back to Eddie, “not because of the idealized version of Richie you created or the one he created of you.”

Was that true? It must be because Ben always knew what he was talking about. He was talking from experience too. He had a crush on Bev for years and only now had started dating her, so he must understand what that’s like. Eddie would be disappointed because he built up this perfect version of Richie that didn’t exist. Sure, that made sense, but Richie did the same. Eddie had every right to be nervous because he wanted to live up to that.

It didn’t stop him from being nervous, but he was a little more okay with it. Richie would be nervous too. It was okay.

Eddie nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay…Thanks, Ben.”

Bev leaned over and wrapped her arms around Ben’s neck and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

“I told you I’m a poet,” Ben said to her.

“In more ways than one,” Bev said practically trilling.

Eddie was done feeling sorry for himself. He kicked at them. “Get your dirty talk off my bed.”

The obliged and moved to lounge on the floor.

“He’s saving his b-b-bed’s dirty talk quota for Richie,” Bill said to them.

“Shut the fuck up, Bill,” Eddie said, “you know I have dirt for you.”

“Don’t you mean _on_ me?”

“Nope. _For_ you, _on_ a very specific person.”

Bill eyed him. “Good dirt or bad dirt?”

“First of all,” Eddie said, “bad dirt doesn’t exist for this person, and second, dirt that will keep you up at night because you won’t be able to stop thinking about it.”

“I don’t…understand,” Bill said.

Eddie looked to Bev (and Ben who was just as confused). “What do you think, Bevvie? Should I tell him?”

“I would,” she said.

Eddie got off the bed to whisper in Bill’s ear. “Mike has kept every single card and drawing you made for him. He keeps them in his bedside drawer.”

Bill had a sharp intake of breath as his face went beet red. “Th-that’s mean, Eddie. You c-cuh-can’t say sh-shit like that.”

“If you just tell this person how you feel,” Bev said, “then we wouldn’t be having this problem.”

“It’s fine that you don’t want me to know who,” Ben chimed in, “but if I could say, you have nothing to lose by admitting your feelings and everything to gain. If this girl…or guy…doesn’t like you, then that’s their problem.”

Bill looked between each of them like a sad, lost puppy. Then he locked eyes with Ben. “M-M-Mike. It’s Mike.”

“Oh,” Ben said. “Congrats, but also you should tell him. I don’t know if he’s into like that, but he thinks very highly of you if that helps.”

“Bold words coming from the guy whose girlfriend asked him out,” Bev said.

“I said my piece in middle school,” Ben said. “And you said no so I backed off.”

“How sweet,” Eddie said rolling his eyes. “If you’re going to be gross, you can leave.”

They didn’t have time to comment because there was a knock at the door and it swung open. Sonia was there looking less than pleased. Richie was here to pick him up. And also, Eddie had a girl over and the door was closed. And then she saw the jeans he was wearing.

She made a comment about each one (“Door stays open when you have _friends_ over” and “I thought I told you to throw out those old jeans” and “Don’t you have anywhere better to be tonight?”) as Eddie took his friends downstairs and out of the house. Eddie didn’t grace her with an answer for any of them, and simply told her he’d be back late, ignoring her reminder that curfew was at 10.

He decided he’d be back by midnight if she was lucky.

Richie was leaning against his truck waiting for Eddie, and he immediately broke into a wide grin once they saw each other.

“Hey, Spaghetti,” Richie said much more subdued than usual.

“Hey, Trashmouth,” Eddie said.

The others were walking away as Bill called out, “Get a room!” and Bev blew a kiss at the two of them, and Ben said “Good luck!”

Richie went red and Eddie knew he was the same. Richie was just as nervous as Eddie was and that made him feel a little bit better, although Eddie still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was going to be sick.

Richie stumbled and opened the passenger door. “After you,” he said. Bill was right about that. Eddie got in and Richie closed the door behind him.

It was cute watching Richie fumble with his keys and seatbelt, hearing him stutter over making conversation, catching his eye while he was driving and knowing that if he didn’t have to watch the road, he would be watching Eddie.

Richie took him to a little place the next town over. It was nice enough, but not fancy, and Richie tripped over himself trying to open the truck door and the restaurant door for Eddie. Eddie was kind of disappointed they were put in a booth and Richie couldn’t pull his chair out for him.

Eddie thought it would be weird shifting from friendship to dating, that there would be lulls in conversation as they both were constantly thinking about the implications of dating your childhood best friend. But it wasn’t. Luckily for Eddie, when Richie was nervous, he never shut up. That didn’t mean Eddie couldn’t get a word in, because once he started talking, Richie did shut up and watch Eddie like he was the best thing in the world, but it meant that there was a never ending chain of things to debate: who the best avenger was (Black Panther), whether _Godzilla vs. Mothra_ was realistic or not (it wasn’t, this is a stupid debate, Richie), how many of their classmates would actually leave Derry after graduation (probably 7), and which Star Trek movie was the best (Wrath of Khan).

When the bill came, Richie handed the waitress his credit card before Eddie could even move. Eddie hated it when Bill was right.

After dinner, and another round of Richie trying to beat Eddie to the door, they decided to go for a walk. It was freezing, and Eddie forgot it was February when he suggested it, but he didn’t want to go home yet. He wanted Richie to hold his hand as they walked side by side without any destination in mind.

But he didn’t want Bill to be right about this too. He wanted Richie to take his hand without being prompted to, hoping that the suggestion to go for a walk was enough. Eddie severely underestimated how oblivious Richie could be.

Eddie held his hand out, brushing Richie’s every time they swung next to each other, until eventually, Richie crossed his arms.

Eddie stopped dead in his tracks.

“You’re an idiot,” Eddie said, hopefully with a tone of endearment.

Richie looked at him. Eddie could barely read his expression in the dark, but he could tell that Richie was raising an eyebrow.

“Hold my fucking hand,” Eddie said.

“Oh,” Richie said, “right.” And Richie took Eddie’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Eddie leaned in close to Richie as they continued walking without a soul in sight. The town had gone to sleep, and they could be out and hold hands without anyone seeing.

Then, Eddie sneezed.

Richie was already shedding his coat by the time Eddie had blown his nose. “Here,” Richie said handing it over. “You’re freezing.”

“I have a coat,” Eddie said.

“And you’re freezing,” Richie repeated. “Please? I’ll be warm enough.”

Eddie accepted only because Richie had said please, and also maybe because he knew it would smell and feel like Richie. It would be too big and he would love the way the sleeves were too long.

And it did. Richie’s coat fit exactly like Eddie had hoped, and he already decided that Richie was never getting it back. He could have sworn he saw Richie blush under the streetlight, but he couldn’t tell.

“Let’s get going,” Richie said taking Eddie’s hand again. “Get you somewhere warm.”

It was getting late, or rather, it was getting close to Eddie’s curfew and he had to make a decision.

“Take me home,” Eddie said when Richie asked where next. “My curfew’s at 10 and my mom will call the police at 10:01 if I’m not back.”

“Screw your mom,” Richie said.

“As much as I’d like to stay out,” Eddie said, “she’s already suspicious enough about me hanging out with you. It’s better if I just go home.”

“Yeah, sure,” Richie conceded, not sounding too happy.

“But,” Eddie said catching Richie’s attention, “I could tell her that I have a date with Martha tomorrow, and she might just let me borrow her car. And instead of picking up Martha…I might swing by your house and pick you up instead.”

“Joyride in Mrs. K’s car?” Richie said sounding interested. “And it’s a date with Eddie Spaghetti? Sounds like my kind of night.”

“You still have to get me home for curfew,” Eddie reminded Richie who should have started driving by now, “or else she’ll keep me on lockdown for the rest of my life.”

They got Eddie home with about ten minutes to spare, perfect amount of time for them to sit in the truck for a few minutes finishing their conversation, or in this case, for Richie to finish singing “Baby Got Back” much to Eddie’s disgust. Under normal circumstances, he would have left Richie alone in his truck to sing to himself, but there was something that Eddie was waiting for that he knew he would get once Richie was done. And besides, Eddie always thought Richie was cute when he was singing along to the radio.

Eddie turned it down once the song was done. “I have to go,” he said pausing for a second before saying, “I had fun.”

“Good,” Richie said. “Me too.”

They sat there for a second looking at each other. It was so easy for Richie to do it before, so why couldn’t he do it now? He knew Eddie’s had fun, and Eddie already asked him on a second date, so why wasn’t Richie leaning forward to kiss Eddie goodnight? Or did Eddie have to do everything himself?

Eddie leaned toward Richie and Richie seemed to get the memo, mirroring Eddie’s movement. There was the distinct bang of a front door slamming, followed by dog barks.

Eddie jumped back and looked for the source. It was his neighbor letting the dog out. His neighbor sat there on the porch in his robe and slippers smoking a cigarette while his dog went to the bathroom in the yard. He wouldn’t be able to see inside the truck, but Eddie suddenly felt exposed.

“Hey,” Richie said. “It’s okay. It’s just your neighbor.” Richie tried reaching out for Eddie, to put a hand on his shoulder or something, but Eddie reacted by opening the door and getting out of the truck.

“Uh, thanks,” Eddie said awkwardly, “for tonight.” And then he closed the truck door and ran inside, not daring to look back at Richie in his truck.

The sound of the TV was still going, but his mother didn’t call for him when he entered the house. Eddie desperately wanted to go up to his room, to call someone and talk and maybe they could figure out why he did that, but he didn’t. He went into the living room and found his mother passed out in her chair, Jeopardy long over and the news playing on screen.

Eddie took the blanket from the couch and placed it over her, then shut the TV off before going upstairs to his room.

He forgot that he still had Richie’s coat on.

He took it off quickly and threw it in the back of his closet as though that would make it go away. It didn’t help that the smell of Richie still lingered on him.

Eddie collapsed on his bed and picked up his phone. The last thing he wanted was to be alone right now. He dialed a number without thinking about who it was.

“Hello?” It wasn’t who he wanted. It was his mother.

“Hi,” Eddie said. “Sorry, I know it’s late but is Mike there? Tell him it’s Eddie.”

It was only a second later that Mike picked up. “Eddie? What’s up? How was your date?”

“That’s, um, kind of what I wanted to talk about.”

“What did you do?”

“I panicked. I – I went in to kiss Richie and then my neighbor came outside and I got scared.”

“And what did Richie say?”

“I don’t know. I ran inside before he could say anything.”

“Eddie.”

“Shut up. I know it’s bad.”

“Then why are you calling me and not him?”

Because he’ll be mad. Because he won’t listen. Because he’ll feel hurt. Because he’s not Mike who’s so calm and understanding. Because he’s going to be disappointed.

“You’re easier to talk to,” Eddie mumbled.

Eddie could practically hear the small smile that he knew Mike had.

“Listen, Eddie,” Mike said. “You’re going to have to talk to him and explain.”

“I know,” Eddie said twirling the phone cord with his fingers. “But I don’t want to. Can you do it for me?”

“I wish it were that easy.” Mike paused for a second. “You’re really lucky, Eddie, you know that right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, how many queer kids can say they fell in love with their best friend and he felt the same? And I know it’s hard, but you have all of us, and Richie would go to the ends of the earth for you, even when he’s mad at you.”

“I guess.”

“And you’re not…”

“Not what, Mike?”

Mike took a deep breath. “I’m gay, Eddie. At least, I think I am. I haven’t told anyone else.”

“Oh,” Eddie said. “Okay.” He mentally slapped himself over how shitty of a response that was. When he came out, everyone hugged him and said they loved him, and all he could say now was ‘okay’.

“I just thought,” Mike said, “you would be the easiest to tell because you’re gay too. Please don’t tell anyone. I know they won’t care but…it still feels like a big deal.”

“Yeah, I promise.” Eddie paused. “I love you, Mikey. We all love you.”

“Love you too, Eddie. Now go talk to Richie before I get mad at you.”

“Yes, sir,” Eddie said before hanging up.

He was going to talk to Richie tonight. And he wasn’t going to do it over the phone.

Eddie didn’t know how Richie did it. The climb down from his own window was terrifying. The wood on the trim was starting to rot and unless Eddie put his foot where he assumed the nails were holding it together, it would start cracking under his weight. And the tree in the Toziers’ yard was easy enough to climb, but Richie’s window was so far down the branch, Eddie was sure it was going to snap.

But he made it, everything still attached, nothing broken, holding on tighter than he thought possible, and knocked on Richie’s window. The light was still on, so Richie couldn’t pretend like he was sleeping.

“What?” Richie said as he opened the window. He smelled like a fresh cigarette, like he had smoked one as soon as he got home.

“Can I come in?” Eddie said slightly paranoid that it was only a matter of time before the tree gave way.

Richie stared at him for a second before moving out of the way to let Eddie in. Eddie made it inside all together.

“I only let you in cause you looked like you were going to have a panic attack in that tree,” Richie said tonelessly.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said without wasting time.

Richie crossed his arms. “What the fuck was that?”

“I panicked,” Eddie said. “My neighbor came outside and I fucking panicked. I don’t know.”

“He wouldn’t have been able to see us.” Richie kept cool and it was aggravating Eddie. Usually Richie would have been the one mad, the one to voice a loud and vague opinion about his feelings, wanting everyone to know he was upset but never quite telling the whole story. But now it was flipped and Eddie didn’t like it.

“I – I’m sorry, okay?” Eddie said. “I really like you and I didn’t mean to make you feel bad but I got scared that someone was going to find out.”

Richie studied Eddie’s face and must have decided that Eddie was telling the truth. “Yeah, alright,” he said dropping his arms to his sides. “But you can’t – you can’t pull shit like that again. It makes me feel…weird. Like I’m your dirty little secret or something.”

“Richie,” Eddie said moving towards Richie, “that’s not – if I could tell everyone in the world how much I love you I would.”

Richie’s eyes went wide. “How much you what?”

 _Love_.

Eddie slapped his hands over his mouth, then slowly pulled them down. “I didn’t mean – I meant to say –”

Eddie was cut off by Richie kissing him. It took Eddie barely any time to register what was happening, to melt into Richie because this time was real. Richie’s hands moved from Eddie’s shoulders down his chest to his waist pulling his body close as Eddie’s hands moved to Richie’s neck, holding Richie in and twirling his fingers through the ends of Richie’s curls.

Richie’s mouth moved against Eddie’s and suddenly it struck Eddie that Richie tasted like cigarettes. _Winston_. Eddie hadn’t thought about it, somehow picturing a Richie that tasted like…Richie, he guessed. He never expected this, and he thought he should be disgusted, but instead he held Richie tighter, wanting more of what made Richie himself.

Richie pulled back and Eddie whined.

“My, my, Edward,” Richie said adopting a barely Southern accent and a cocky grin, “didn’t know that kissing you was such a treat. Your mama’s gonna have my hide if she catches us.”

“Then we don’t let her,” Eddie said moving a hand to Richie’s cheek.

“I love you, too, Eds,” Richie said before kissing Eddie again. It was shorter, softer, more meaningful, conveying everything Eddie knew Richie couldn’t find the words for.

This time Eddie pulled away and took a step towards the window.

“I should go,” Eddie said. “If my mom wakes up and notices I’m gone…” He didn’t need to finish. It was the same every time.

“Right-o,” Richie said with none of his usual spunk. He was too busy staring wistfully at Eddie. “Don’t need you getting under house arrest for wittle ol’ me.”

“Bye, sweetheart,” Eddie said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Eddie opened the window and before he left, he locked eyes with Richie, an invitation, and when Richie didn’t get it, Eddie pointed at his lips with his finger. That Richie got. Richie kissed him one last time, deeply and tenderly, holding his face.

“See ya, Eds,” Richie said softly as Eddie left.

Eddie got home just in time to answer the phone. It was Richie who had timed out perfectly when to call, and they talked all night.


	8. maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Wonderwall" by Oasis (;;;;;;;)

By some miracle, Sonia let Eddie borrow the car the next night to take “Martha” out on a date. And she must have been feeling good because she extended his curfew to midnight. Eddie didn’t question it, and grabbed the keys before she could change her mind.

He picked Richie up around 7, wearing the coat that Richie had lent him the night before, who hopped in the car and gave a wolf whistle.

“How’d you do it?” Richie asked.

“Told her I was taking Martha on a date,” Eddie said.

“That my new name now?” Richie said coyly. He paused and pursued his lips. “That’s what you’re telling her?”

“She likes Martha,” Eddie said. “If she thinks I’m dating her, then maybe she’ll forget about ‘that dirty boy who comes around too much’.” He said that last line with distaste, remembering every time his mother called Richie ‘dirty’ or ‘filthy’, or the one time she said ‘that dirty queer boy’.

“If that works,” Richie said, clearly trying to avoid the conversation.

“You’re allowed to tell me how you’re feeling, Richie,” Eddie said. “If you don’t like it, I can stop.”

Richie didn’t say anything for a second. “Of course, I don’t like it,” he said, “but don’t stop. Not if you’re scared she’ll find out.” Richie shrugged. “And it’s just her, right? Everyone else gets to know I think you’re the cute, cute, cutest.” Richie finished by pinching Eddie’s cheek. “Especially in that new coat, wherever you got that.”

“Shut up,” Eddie said with no heat, and batting away Richie’s hand.

Richie leaned in and gave Eddie a quick kiss before asking, “So, what’s the plan, Eds? Joyride? Driving off a cliff? Police chase?”

“I got my curfew extended,” Eddie said, “so I was thinking we could go for a drive.”

Eddie had a plan. It was an hour drive to Portland, and also the ocean. It would be cold, but romantic, and Eddie had plans for Richie when they got there.

“To where?” Richie asked.

“You’ll see,” Eddie said pulling away from the curb.

The drive there was uneventful, although Richie did insist that they pull off to some grubby diner on the side of the road for dinner, which he enjoyed and Eddie thought was very mediocre at best, but he enjoyed watching Richie jokingly flirt with their elderly waitress and sharing a slice of banana cream pie.

In Portland, Eddie pulled off to a beach area that was practically abandoned except for a few cars in the parking lot with people inside watching the ocean.

“I wanna walk on the beach,” Richie said as soon as they parked.

“It’s 20 degrees out, dipshit,” Eddie said, despite knowing Richie would somehow convince him.

“What’s the point of coming to the ocean if we don’t walk hand in hand on the beach like a couple of dumbasses in love?” Richie said already getting out of the car. “Besides, it’s a warm current.”

Eddie followed and Richie held out his hand before they walked down to the beach. Eddie looked around at the other cars with people in them.

“They don’t know us,” Richie said quietly. “It’s fine, baby.”

Eddie didn’t think he would ever get used to that, Richie being sweet with him, calling him ‘baby’. Eddie’s legs turned to jelly every time he caught Richie looking at him like that, knowing that Richie felt the same about him, that Richie was as committed to this as he was.

Eddie took Richie’s hand and they walked down the beach. It was freezing cold, but Eddie didn’t want this to end yet. Richie must have been able to feel his shivering because he pulled Eddie closer.

“I’d give you my jacket,” Richie said, “but then I wouldn’t have any left.”

“And I’m never giving it back either,” Eddie said.

“Argh,” Richie said adopting a pirate voice and moving to grab Eddie from behind. “Not unless I take it from ye! Plunder the booty!”

Richie lifted Eddie off the ground for only a second before dropping him back down.

“You alright there, Captain?” Eddie asked when Richie leaned on him, quietly panting.

“Your fat ass is heavier than I thought,” Richie said.

“You sure you’re not just painfully weak?” Eddie said.

“I’d rather believe you’re fucking compact,” Richie said and placed a sloppy kiss on Eddie’s cheek before letting go. “C’mon, baby, let’s get you back to the car.”

Back at the car, before getting in, Eddie stopped Richie and said, “I think I’d rather get in the back seat.”

“We can’t see the ocean from back there,” Richie said, and Eddie thought it was cute. He didn’t think he’d ever get over that either.

“Richie.”

Richie’s eyes lit up as he let out the smallest “Oh,” before scrabbling into the backseat of the car. Eddie followed and somehow they situated themselves so that he was under Richie, who was kissing him hungrily, pressed between Eddie’s legs like that was where he fit.

Eddie had one hand on the back of Richie head, carding his fingers through Richie’s hair, and the other had a tight grip on Richie’s shirt, holding his body close. Richie hands were all over Eddie, moving from his face, to his chest, down to his legs and inching close to his ass as if he was testing his boundaries.

It was a mash of teeth and tongue as Eddie held Richie close, wanting all of Richie at once, but those goddamn glasses kept pressing against Eddie’s face.

“Wait,” Eddie said.

Richie pulled away immediately and looked a little scared, like he had done something wrong. “Yeah? Did I –”

“No,” Eddie said and took off Richie’s glasses, gently placing them on the floor of the car. “Much better.”

“But now I can’t see your cute face,” Richie pouted.

“Shut up and kiss me, asshole,” Eddie said pulling Richie down.

Richie obliged and kissed Eddie, slowly, deepening with every second. Eddie couldn’t get over how soft Richie could be, how gentle Richie could kiss, how perfect they felt together. It was all so right, and it occurred to Eddie that he never felt like this when he was kissing anyone else. It never felt like this all those times he met up with Noah because Noah never took the time to make sure that Eddie felt good.

Eddie couldn’t help it when he felt himself growing hard against Richie, moaning into the kiss.

Richie pulled back and moved to Eddie’s neck, first kissing and then picking a spot to gnaw and bite at. Eddie kept a hand in Richie’s hair as the other slipped up his shirt, palming at Richie’s back.

Eddie couldn’t help it when he moaned again.

Richie moved to look at him with a wide grin. “I’ll take that I’m doing something right.”

“You’re a dick,” Eddie said pulling Richie back down again.

They kissed and Richie’s hand found their way down, grabbing at Eddie’s ass, which is something Eddie thought he wanted. He thought he did. But suddenly it was too much. This was _Richie_ , his best friend Richie, and they were making out in the back of his mom’s car (which he lied to her to get) and Richie, _his best friend Richie_ , grabbed his ass like it was nothing.

Eddie sat up fast, and Richie pulled back just as quickly.

Richie scoot back a little bit. “Eddie?”

“It’s, uh, too much,” Eddie said. “Too fast. I, um, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Richie said. “Did I…do something wrong?”

“Not you,” Eddie said. “Me. I, um, don’t know how to explain it.”

“You don’t…” Richie echoed quietly.

“I like you a lot Richie,” Eddie said. “I think it’s really scaring me.” Tears stung his eyes as he started to realize what was scaring him. “I’m lying to my mom because if she ever found out… And I’ve felt this way about you for a long time and I’m so scared that it’s not…I’m not…”

“Eddie.” Richie scoot close again and placed a hand on Eddie’s face.

“Sorry to freak you out,” Eddie said wiping at his eyes.

“It’s okay, baby,” Richie said. “I’m scared too.”

Eddie nodded. “We’ll be fine, right?”

“Of course.” Richie placed a soft kiss on Eddie’s lips.

“We should go,” Eddie said. “We still have to drive back to Derry.”

Richie agreed and they got in the front to go back. Eddie took a second to look at himself in the rearview mirror to fix his hair and examine the mark Richie left on his neck.

“So much for my mom liking Martha,” Eddie said.

They returned to Derry at 11:23 which gave them still plenty of time to keep driving around before they had to call it a night. Eddie drove, mostly just to drive, until he found himself going to a specific location, and it wasn’t until he got there that he realized what he was doing. He pulled to the side of the road, trying to see it in the dark, unable to make out anything but the shape of the fence.

“What are we doing here?” Richie asked.

“Because I wanted to see something,” Eddie said grabbing the flashlight from the glove compartment. He got out of the car and Richie followed. “Show me where it is,” he instructed Richie.

Richie, without missing a beat, pointed at the carving. _R+E_. It was so clean, and still seemed fresh, like Richie came back every once in a while to redo it.

“Who told you?” Richie asked quietly.

“Bev,” Eddie said. “She mostly did because I was nervous and to make me feel better.” Eddie ran his fingers over the carving.

“Why are we here, Eddie?” Richie asked again sounding slightly irritated.

“You know the legend of the kissing bridge, right?”

“I, um, yeah,” Richie stammered and Eddie couldn’t see it, but he knew he was blushing.

“If you carve your names into the bridge,” Eddie started, “and kiss, then you’re soulmates. Bound together forever.”

“Eddie?”

“Actually, Bev said it was like soulmates with work,” Eddie said. “Do you believe in soulmates, Rich?”

“I don’t think I have a good answer for that,” Richie said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don’t know. I know I’ve been in love with you since we were thirteen, and there must be some reason for that, but I don’t know if it’s cause we’re soulmates or cause you’ve always been around.” He paused. “What about you?”

Eddie wasn’t prepared to answer the question himself because he didn’t even know he was coming here until he was here. He wasn’t prepared because he wanted to know why Richie felt it was so necessary to carve their initials into the kissing bridge, the legendary soulmate creator. Eddie wasn’t prepared because as soon as Richie asked, he knew the answer, and he didn’t think Richie would like it.

“No,” Eddie said. “I think that some people are good for each other, and some people are better for each other, but soulmates? I don’t like the idea of having one person out there that’s perfect for me. And – and – and people who you feel like you’re supposed to be with? I’ve got six. So, no, I don’t, if that makes sense.”

“Soulmates with work,” Richie said. “That’s what Bev said?”

“Yeah.”

“Shouldn’t that always be the case?” Richie said. “I mean, I just got out of a 10-month relationship and it was hard sometimes. You have to work for it. Fuck, I’ve always felt like I’m supposed to be with you, and we’re on our second fucking date, and we’ve had to work for it. Right? Or am I talking out of my ass over here?”

“No,” Eddie said. “It makes sense. Bev said it like it was easy, but it’s not. It’s not supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be worth it.”

Richie reached out and took Eddie’s hand. “I think it was worth waiting for you.”

Eddie felt his face flush and was grateful for the dark, even if it meant that he couldn’t fully see Richie watching him softly like he knew he was doing.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not still superstitious,” Richie added casually, pulling Eddie closer.

Eddie leaned up on his toes to kiss Richie, soft and sweet.

“So, we’re like, married now right?” Richie asked coyly. “Bound together forever or some bullshit like that?”

Eddie huffed but he couldn’t help but smile. “I feel like I ought to break up with you for bringing up marriage on the second date.”

“But you won’t,” Richie said moving a hand to hold Eddie’s chin. “Right, gov’na?”

Eddie sighed and started for the car. “Bye, Richie.”

“C’mon, baby.” Richie caught up with Eddie at the car and pushed him against it before Eddie could get it, placing one last kiss on his lips.

Richie pulled away, but Eddie grabbed his jacket to pull him back in. Richie braced a hand on the top of the car and situated a leg between Eddie’s, pressing against Eddie who had moved his hands to rest on Richie’s chest.

It felt like barely any time had passed before Eddie decided they should leave. He lightly pushed Richie off, who gave his signature pout, which Eddie couldn’t help but kiss again. But they had to leave if Eddie was going to get home in time for curfew. When they got to Richie’s house, they took another long minute to kiss good night, and Eddie had to convince not only Richie, but himself that it would be best if Richie didn’t sneak out to see him later.

Sonia was still awake when Eddie got home, and she didn’t notice the mark on his neck (or she didn’t care when she assumed who it was from), but instead noticed how giddy Eddie was, and remarked on what a good girl he found himself, that she was proud of his standards and was sure this was the girl for him.

Eddie thanked his mother before going to bed, hating himself for lying.

As it turned out, dating Richie was a lot like being friends with him, the only big difference being there was a lot more making out. Everyday, Richie would make sure to kiss Eddie as he hopped in the truck on their way to school, and most days would sneak into Eddie’s room late at night in which they would try to talk but would always end up making out until it was time for Richie to leave. He never spent the night anymore. There was an unspoken thing between them that it would be too much right now.

The worst part was at school, when Eddie would have the overwhelming urge to kiss Richie or hold his hand or come up behind him and wrap his arms around Richie, the kind of things the _other_ couples at their school would do in the halls, out in the open, unashamed of their love. When Eddie caught himself staring at these things is when Richie would pull him into the bathroom to kiss him between classes.

It was okay with their friends. They could talk about it without fear of what they would think. Eddie and Martha passed notes in class as she bombarded him with questions about how it was going and if Richie was a good kisser and if he was treating Eddie right.

And when they hung out at their friends’ houses, it was okay too. They could lean on each other and hold hands and put their arms around each other. Eddie could sit in Richie’s lap with Richie’s arms around him, resting his chin on Eddie’s shoulder and life was okay. It would be okay if they could find things like this to make it that way.

At least it distracted Eddie from the looming presence of his mother’s gaze as she wondered when Martha was coming over again. When would he take her on another date? She could come over to study. How about dinner? It’s been two weeks, are you going to make it official?

Eddie answered these questions with the same stressed glee, through gritted teeth as he imagined a world in which he didn’t have to hide Richie. A world in which his mother was happy to hear that her son was dating his friend, that they had found each other and were so in love like they were.

Eddie also imagined another world, and he tried to hide this one from his own consciousness. In this world, he imagined himself wanting to date someone else. A world in which he returned feelings for Martha, that they started dating and he didn’t have to hide from his mother. He wouldn’t have to lie and take the false compliments that she gave him. A world in which he felt normal, like he wasn’t hiding a big, dirty secret.

But he pushed those thoughts away and thought about Richie instead. It was easier to pretend like things were okay when it was the two of them.

It was easy to pretend things were okay when two weeks in (or was it three?) that Richie said the word that made Eddie internally combust.

Richie was leaning back on his bed, strumming mindlessly on his guitar, while Eddie lay on his stomach next to him, trying to work on homework.

“Do you have to do that right now?” Eddie asked. “I have a paper due next week.”

“Sorry,” Richie said not sounding very apologetic. “I’m busy writing a song for my boyfriend if that’s okay.”

“B-boyfriend?” Eddie had never been anyone’s boyfriend before.

“Yeah,” Richie said slowly. “Is that okay?”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah.” He paused. “You’re writing me a song?”

“Trying,” Richie said strumming a chord. “All I have is the title. ‘I Love Spaghetti’.”

“Creative,” Eddie rolled his eyes. The only thing he could think about was where this was going. They were _boyfriends_ now, and that meant something. It meant they were committing to each other, they were both saying ‘I want to make this work’.

“Hey, Rich,” Eddie said sitting up on his knees, “don’t you think…now that we’re official we should share our…history or something. Isn’t that what people do in relationships?”

Richie put his guitar on the floor, leaning it against the bed. “What, like, our…experience?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “Romantic, sexual, or whatever, I guess. Just in case there’s something we didn’t tell each other.”

“Um, sure,” Richie said. “Can you – can you go first?”

It was only fair since he brought it up. Eddie agreed. “Uh, you know about Noah. I guess that was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a real relationship before you. We – we had sex, but we mostly spent our time making out and jerking each other off.” Eddie didn’t anticipate how weird this would be. He hated Noah, and talking about him like this, with Richie of all people was agonizing. But it had to be done. Eddie wanted Richie to talk too.

“That’s – that’s about it, really,” Eddie said. “Other than kissing people during truth or dare.”

“Wait,” Richie said. “What about that one guy? Teddy Neuman? I thought you did shit with him back in September.”

“Oh,” Eddie said feeling himself go red. “I, um, kind of lied about that. We made out for like, two minutes before he got bored.”

“Then why did you tell me…?”

“To make you jealous,” Eddie admitted.

Richie broke into a huge grin. “Eds, that’s so cute!”

“Shut up,” Eddie said trying not to smile, “no it’s not.”

There was something about the way that Richie was looking at him, so smugly and sure of himself, as though he wasn’t the one that carved their initials in the kissing bridge.

“And you’ve never done anything to make me jealous?” Eddie asked.

“Uh,” Richie’s smile faltered. “No, shut up.”

“It’s fine, Rich,” Eddie said. “It’s cute.”

“Shut up,” Richie said. He thought for a second before asking, “Who was your first kiss?”

Eddie shook his head, remembering vividly what happened, growing extremely embarrassed even though Richie had no idea. “No fucking way, dude.”

“Aww,” Richie said. “I thought we were sharing _everything._ Is it your cousin or some gross shit like that?”

Eddie pursed his lips, and let out a breath. “Bev,” he said barely audible.

“Seriously?” Richie said very amused. “Bevvie was your first kiss? Beverly Marsh? Our Beverly Marsh was your first kiss?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said. “We were fourteen and it was weird and gross.”

“Not my Beverly,” Richie said shifting himself forward and balancing his chin in his hands. “Spill.”

Eddie groaned. “She had just gone on a date with that guy, Grady Belanger, and she told me he was a really bad kisser and she couldn’t date him because of it. And she asked ‘don’t you hate it when people can’t kiss?’ and I said ‘I couldn’t tell you’. So, she asked me if I wanted to know what it was like and she offered to kiss me to see. And she did, and she was good, but it was weird and I didn’t like it.”

“Cause you’re gay.”

“Obviously. And then, a few months later we played truth or dare, and I got dared to kiss Bill and that –”

“That’s when you realized you’re gay.”

“Bingo.”

"Because you developed a big fat fucking crush on Billiam," Richie said.

"I'm not gonna pretend like I didn't have a crush on him since I was nine," Eddie joked.

Richie laughed. "It looks like we're one and the same, baby." He paused, lost in thought. “You know, Bev was my first kiss too.”

“I feel like I shouldn’t believe you,” Eddie said suspiciously, but knowing Bev, it was probably true, especially considering the circumstances when she kissed Eddie so willingly.

“It was like, a week after she broke up with Bill in eighth grade,” Richie explained. “I thought she was so cool and maybe we could try dating, but I thought that about Bill too, so I guess it didn't mean that much. But anyway, she said I had to kiss her first to prove that I was good enough. Apparently, I suck.”

“You got better,” Eddie said, “that’s for sure.”

“I think it was my breath,” Richie said. “She always hated Winston.”

“Or you could stop smoking,” Eddie suggested, “and have nice breath always.” Eddie didn’t usually try to get on Richie’s smoking habits, especially after that one time that Richie got genuinely mad over it. It was nice when Eddie could squeeze in little teasing moments like this, and maybe Richie would start listening now that Eddie’s tongue was inside his mouth more often.

“I thought you liked it,” Richie smirked.

“Sometimes,” Eddie said. “But keep going. It’s your turn.”

Richie’s face dropped as he figured out how to start. He scratched the back of his head. “Uh, well, you know about Katie. We, um, had sex a few times. And then there was Jenny Trombley in ninth grade. I dated her for…” He started counting on his fingers. “Four months, and she barely let me kiss her. And I went to eighth grade formal with Marianne Fischer and we dated for like, a week after that.” He paused. “And that’s it, I think, other than truth or dare shit like you said.”

Eddie nodded. None of that was new information, but it felt good to have Richie lay it all out for Eddie. He could see Richie’s experience in his mind much more easily, and he realized that Richie had a lot more dating experience than he did. But Eddie supposed that was the perk of being into girls too, Richie had that opportunity where Eddie didn’t. Eddie tried not to think about it that way, tried not to be jealous. Instead he thought of people thinking Richie needed to pick a side, or how they were in this together now. It didn’t matter that Richie liked girls too, or that he had more experience.

“So, are we good?” Richie asked. “Officially official? Boyfriend and boyfriend? Mano a mano?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said.

“Yeah?” Richie said, leaning back against his headboard. “Why don’t you make me?”

That was one of Eddie’s favorite things that Richie said.

Everything seemed perfect as they worked their way into March. For a short while, nothing was wrong. Richie had moved on, and Eddie had barely thought about how Noah cornered him in the bathroom that one day.

It seemed the bathroom was the worst place to be these days.

Eddie was sitting on the counter, and he had only momentarily complained about the bacteria before Richie placed himself between Eddie’s legs and kissed him. It had felt so good to be taller than Richie that Eddie stopped caring about where they were. They had gotten careless, and Eddie knew it was true, but they were in love, barely dating for three weeks at this point. It was still so new and exciting.

They were talking, nothing important, nothing Eddie could remember, as Richie rested his hands on Eddie’s thighs, and Eddie’s hand on Richie’s shoulders.

That was when Noah walked in.

Richie jumped over to stand next to Eddie instead of in front of him, and eyed Noah before returning his attention to his reflection. He didn’t say anything. His control surprised Eddie.

“What are you fairies doing in here?” Noah asked.

“Talking,” Richie said. “Are we allowed to talk to each other?”

“Whatever,” Noah said. “Like I give a shit what you and your slutty boyfriend do.”

“What did you say?” Richie said.

“Forget it, Richie,” Eddie said. The last thing they needed was another fight. As admirable as it was that Riche was willing to defend Eddie so easily, Eddie didn’t want him to. He wanted to forget about Noah and move on, but it seemed like Noah wouldn’t leave like that.

“You heard me, Tozier,” Noah egged him on. “Your boyfriend’s an easy lay. A good one, but way too easy.”

Eddie didn’t understand what Noah’s game was. Obviously, Noah didn’t like that Eddie had rejected him, but he must have known that this wouldn’t win Eddie over. Unless Noah was spiteful and wanted to make Eddie, and by proxy Richie, feel like shit over it. Because if that was the case, it was working.

Eddie got off the counter and stepped between Richie and Noah.

“Let’s just go, Rich,” Eddie said.

Richie was ready to fight, and as romantic and heroic as it could be sometimes, right now it was just annoying.

“Fine,” Richie said and went to leave the bathroom.

“Keep an eye on him, Tozier,” Noah called. “Good fucking luck keeping him around.”

Eddie had to practically shove Richie out of the bathroom.

“And Kaspbrak,” Noah said.

Eddie didn’t know why he stayed to listen.

“When you’re tired of Tozier, you know where to find me,” Noah said looking Eddie up and down.

Eddie was going to be sick. He didn’t know what he ever found appealing about Noah, but he had to deal with this now.

Something about what had happened but Eddie on edge. He half expected Noah to out him and Richie to the entire school and then their life would be over. But he didn’t. Instead, Noah kept trying to catch Eddie’s eye, try to lure him places alone, anything to remind him of what they used to do.

Eddie tried to ignore all of it, but it was hard when he shared a class with Noah, and it was hard when every time he saw Noah, he was reminded of that time he was cornered, scared and helpless to whatever Noah had wanted, thankful that Ben had walked in when he did.

Eddie didn’t go to the bathroom alone anymore.

A day or two later (the days blended as projects and papers got piled on before spring break), Katie stopped Richie on the walk to his truck. Eddie was slightly disappointed. Richie had almost perfected his Nicholas Cage impression.

She pulled him off to the side, and Richie gestured for Eddie to wait by the truck. Eddie did what he was told, but he could still watch them from there. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, could barely tell what was going on and had no clue what she needed him for. The only thing he could think of was she missed him, wanted him back.

But she seemed sad, maybe a little scared. Eddie would just have to wait for Richie to tell him.

Then she started crying, and Richie pulled her in to hug her.

It was bad. It must have been. Eddie started growing increasingly anxious and wished Richie was with him instead of Katie. Maybe it was selfish. Katie was obviously going through something, but Eddie’s anxiety didn’t care.

Richie finished and came over to where Eddie was standing.

“Hey, um,” Richie said quietly, the complete opposite of how he had been only minutes ago, “I have to take Katie to go get something.”

 _Something_.

“Is everything okay?” Eddie asked. “Why can’t she get it herself?”

“She doesn’t have a car,” Richie said slightly tense. “We have to go somewhere no one will recognize us.”

Eddie thought about how Richie would talk about going to the next town over to buy condoms. It was embarrassing to buy them here. Nearly every cashier at the store, every worker at the pharmacy, knew everyone’s parents. They had to or else everyone would go blabbing to everyone else. Somehow, parents would find out.

And Richie had to take Katie somewhere like that.

“For what?” Eddie asked, although he already knew the answer.

“Don’t make me say it, Eddie,” Richie said with tears in his eyes.

Eddie didn’t, and instead hugged Richie. Richie pressed his face into Eddie’s neck.

“Good luck,” Eddie whispered into Richie’s ear.

They left Eddie to walk home from school that day. He should have gone home, or at least called his mother to tell her where he was going, but he didn’t, choosing to wander around wherever his legs took him. Like a magnet, he found himself again at the kissing bridge, and like a comfort motion, he found the _R+E_ carving, tracing it over and over again.

He put his backpack on the ground and sat on the fence wishing he had grabbed another one of his friends to join him. But he also needed this time alone to work through the possibilities of what would happen after today.

If it was negative, then there was nothing to worry about. They could move on.

But if it was positive…

Eddie couldn’t bear to think about it, but he had to. He had to be ready for whatever Richie would bring to him later. He decided that no matter what, he would still love Richie. He wouldn’t break up with him over this. They could figure it out. It would be a minor setback in their relationship, but they had all the time in the world.

For some reason, Eddie amused the thought of Richie breaking up with him. It didn’t seem likely. Richie was extremely stubborn and set in his ways, but something like this would set him off. Richie was stubborn, but he was unpredictable too. If it made sense to him, he would break up with Eddie to get back with Katie. But Eddie couldn’t see that. Richie wouldn’t leave Katie high and dry to handle things on her own, but he wouldn’t leave Eddie either. He was thoughtful and stubborn like that.

Eddie ended up deciding that whatever Richie wanted would be best. He would be there, but in the end, Richie would choose. Eddie couldn’t decide for him.

Eddie prayed that the test would be negative.

Eventually, Eddie found his way home, his mother greeting him at the door with her usual bombardment of questions (“Where were you?” and “I was worried sick.” and “Didn’t you think to call?”).

“I was with Martha,” Eddie said like he had gotten into the habit of doing.

Sonia’s face softened like it always did whenever Eddie mentioned her. “Why didn’t you just say so?” Sonia never asked any question beyond that, satisfied that her son was late because he was with a girl, _his girlfriend_ she would think. It was okay that he worried her because at least he wasn’t queer like she had assumed for so many years.

It was the easiest way to get out of conversations with his mother, to skulk off to his room where he could listen to the newest mixtape that Richie made him filled with gooey love songs that they liked making out to. Something to remind him that soon, a little over a year away, he and Richie could get out of this hellhole and start their own life.

But maybe that dream was too big for them anymore.

It was late when Richie showed up, later than usual. Eddie was almost ready to go to bed, ready to call it a night and that Richie wouldn’t be coming by when the window opened.

Richie came in, kicked off his shoes, and sat on the edge of the bed with Eddie.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Richie asked quietly. “I know we were taking it slow or whatever, but I need you right now.”

“Richie?” Eddie said touching his shoulder. “What happened?”

Richie started crying. Eddie turned him so he could hug him. Richie sobbed into Eddie’s shoulder and Eddie knew what that meant. He held Richie tight.

Richie pulled back, wiped his eyes, and looked at Eddie, telling him what he already knew.

“Katie’s pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um big oof amiright


	9. you're so strong, the world can't keep us down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Proof" by Paramore (my favorite song of theirs <3)

“What am I going to do, Eddie?”

Richie was curled up next to Eddie, his head on Eddie’s chest, glasses discarded, as Eddie traced vague shapes on his back.

“I don’t know,” Eddie said because he didn’t know. He had absolutely no fucking clue what was going to happen next. He had no advice for Richie and no kind words to make him feel better. All he could do was be there.

“I can’t raise a kid,” Richie continued. “I’m not – I can’t do that.” He sniffed. “My parents are going to flip.”

Eddie couldn’t think of anything to say. He wished he did. Anything at all. But he couldn’t, so in lieu of words, he placed a kiss on the top of Richie’s head.

“You don’t have to stick around, Eds,” Richie said. “I mean, I still want to be your friend, but if it’s too hard to keep dating…”

“No,” Eddie said confidently. “I already made my mind up on that. I’m – I’m in it with you.”

“Thanks,” Richie said softly. “I love you, Eddie.”

“I love you, too.”

“You know,” Richie said, “her parents are probably going to try and get me to marry her. You only have to be 16 with parents’ permission.”

Eddie didn’t think about that. Eddie had assumed that everything would come down to them, to what he and Richie decided, and Katie too, but Eddie had completely forgotten that her parents would be furious. Like a lot of people in town, they were very religious, devoting themselves to the Catholic faith. Having a baby out of wedlock would be an embarrassment for their family.

“I doubt they’ll do that,” Eddie said.

“Maybe,” Richie said. “They always hated me anyway. Maybe they’ll let me go.” He said that with the slightest touch of humor, as though he was trying to convince himself that things would be okay.

“Maybe.”

“How the fuck did this even happen anyway?” Richie said. “I used a condom every fucking time.”

“I hate to tell you,” Eddie said, “but sometimes they break.”

“Or she cheated on me.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right,” Richie said subdued. “I just – I never thought…” Eddie could feel Richie’s tears through his shirt, and started rubbing his back.

“She’s keeping it?” Eddie knew it was a stupid question, but there was a big difference between her going through the pregnancy and giving it up, and keeping it and raising it. Katie probably didn’t know yet, and neither would Richie, but Eddie needed to stay updated. He needed to know.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “Kind of. I’m assuming she will. She always wanted kids but…I don’t know if she’s ready for one yet…Her parents might make her keep it, though.”

“Her parents sound like they suck,” Eddie said.

“Yeah,” Richie agreed. “I mean, how could anyone not like me?” His joke sounded pathetic as his voice cracked. Eddie wished again that he knew what to say.

“That’s what I was thinking,” Eddie said trying to play along. Maybe it would help a little bit, but what he needed was words of wisdom that he didn’t have. “I’m sorry, Richie. I’m here for anything you need.”

“Let’s just go to sleep,” Richie said.

That night Eddie dreamt that his mother found out about him and Richie, and locked him away in his room and forgot about him. Eddie decided not to tell Richie.

They tried to push forward and pretend like nothing was wrong. Richie tried really hard, but his lack of jokes and impressions was not lost on anyone, and by lunch the next day, Eddie was on the receiving end of a million questions. Apparently, Richie wouldn’t talk to them, and Eddie must know what was wrong, but Eddie said it was personal, that it was Richie’s business and they dropped it. They weren’t the kind of people to pry.

It didn’t stop Stan from pulling Eddie aside at the end of lunch to talk.

“I saw him talking to Katie,” Stan said, “and he won’t tell me anything.”

Eddie could tell it was bothering Stan that Richie wouldn’t talk to him. Richie told Stan everything. It wouldn’t have surprised Eddie if Stan knew every detail of his and Richie’s relationship. If Richie wasn’t talking to Stan, it was a big deal.

“I told you,” Eddie said slightly annoyed, “it’s Richie’s business.”

“Yeah, but,” Stan said, “are you guys fighting or something?”

Eddie shook his head. “Nothing like that.”

“It’s not bad, is it?” Stan asked. “I’m really worried about him. I don’t remember the last time he was like this. He can usually power through shitty things, but he doesn’t even have the energy to try right now.”

“It’s not really my place to tell you,” Eddie sympathized. “He’ll tell you eventually, but you have to give him time.”

“Right,” Stan said, only sounding half-satisfied. “Are you okay, Eddie? You seem off, too.”

Eddie was so caught up in taking care of Richie that he forgot about himself. It didn’t seem like he ought to be thinking about himself right now. His problem wasn’t nearly as big as Richie’s, and he could handle things just fine. He wasn’t even sure how to word his problem anyway. What, his boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was pregnant? That hardly felt worth complaining about when Richie was going through more.

“Yeah,” Eddie lied. “I’m fine, just…reevaluating things, I guess.”

The bell rang, signaling that lunch was over.

“If you’re sure,” Stan said. “But seeing as Richie’s going through shit, if you need anyone to talk to, I’ve got you.”

Eddie quietly thanked Stan before heading to class.

He was glad it was math because that meant he could talk to Martha who didn’t know Richie. She wouldn’t try to ask questions about his well-being, and would only try to joke around with Eddie. It’s what he needed.

But there was a note left on his desk, and something inside him told him to throw it away. He opened it.

“Meet me in the locker room after school and you can do that thing I like.”

There was no name on it, but Eddie knew. He looked at Noah sitting in the back of the room, who nodded and returned to skimming his textbook. Eddie tucked the note inside his notebook, terrified that someone would see if he threw it away.

“What was that?” Martha asked when Eddie sat down.

He spun around to look at her. “Some stupid shit.”

“What did it say?” Martha questioned.

“Does it matter?” Eddie snapped.

Martha recoiled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad.”

“Sorry,” Eddie said reflexively, “I’m just –”

“In a bad mood,” Martha finished. “I get it.”

Eddie make a quick decision, something to make one of his problems a little easier. “Do you want to come over tonight? My mom wants to make you dinner.”

“Sure,” Martha smiled. “Sounds fun.”

“Fun?” Eddie said. “Dinner with my mother will be anything but fun.”

“More like dinner with you, Eddie,” Martha said. “We haven’t hung out in so long. I’ve been missing you.” She put on a fake pout, one that barely competed against Richie’s fake pout.

“Aww,” Eddie teased. “That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.”

Martha smiled. “Is there anything I should know? Like where you take me on dates? Or anything I should compliment her on?”

“Compliment me,” Eddie said. “A lot. To her, the mark of a good mother is how well her son behaves.”

“Then you were a perfect gentleman,” Martha said. “You opened doors and held my hand and walked me to my front door. You even gave my father a good, hearty handshake when you said goodnight. He was very impressed.”

“Martha,” Eddie said, “you are a blessing.”

It worked out well because Richie had to take Katie to the doctor after school. Eddie made Richie promise to come by that night while ignoring the uncomfortable distance between them. Eddie didn’t mention that Martha was coming to his place for dinner, nor did he mention the note that Noah left in class. He figured Richie had enough to worry about right now and the last thing he needed was Eddie’s problems.

Eddie swore he would tell him later.

Martha ended up walking home with Eddie, figuring they could work on some homework together.

It was nice talking to her outside of school, and it made Eddie realize that sometimes he needed that person on the outside to talk to. He loved his friends, but they all knew everything about each other. It was nice to have someone who barely knew them, who wanted to talk about her friends and family. It was nice getting to know someone again.

Coming up to Eddie’s house, Martha took his hand. Eddie knew it was for show, but he genuinely liked holding his friends’ hands. It was such a simple touch of intimacy that he adored.

“Ma, I’m home,” Eddie called inside. “Martha’s here, too.”

Eddie took Martha into the living room where his mother was holed up watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show. Sonia quickly muted the TV, but didn’t bother standing up to greet them.

“Hi, dear,” Sonia said to Eddie, “and it’s nice to see you again, Martha.”

“Likewise, Mrs. Kaspbrak,” Martha said.

“We’re gonna do some homework upstairs,” Eddie said. “And we were also thinking she could stay for dinner too.”

Sonia’s eyes drifted down to where Eddie was holding Martha’s hand, then back up to look Eddie in the eye.

“Well, I wish you’d told me sooner,” Sonia said. “I would have picked up something nice if I had known she would be here.”

“That’s okay,” Martha said beaming, “I can eat just about anything.”

“That’s alright, dear,” Sonia said standing up. “I’ll run out and get a nice roast. Can’t have you running around telling people I don’t feed you well.” She grabbed her purse and almost walked out before turning back to them. “And you can work on homework in the kitchen. There’s plenty more space there.”

“What if we leave the door open?” Eddie bargained.

Sonia eyed them for a second. “Fine,” she said. “But I better not catch any funny business when I get back.” She turned away from them, ready to go out the front door.

“You won’t, Ma,” Eddie said, and Martha stifled a giggle. “I can promise you that.”

Once Sonia was out the door, Eddie let out a sigh.

“Does that mean she likes me?” Martha asked.

“Definitely,” Eddie said pulling Martha upstairs. “We usually eat TV dinners or take-out, so if she’s making real food, then you’re in the clear.”

Up in Eddie’s room, he almost shut the door before remembering his mother’s rule.

“Keep that open, Eddie,” Martha said sitting on the floor and taking out her textbook. “Can’t trust you not to get frisky with me.”

Eddie laughed before joining her on the floor, attempting to do homework despite how busy his brain was. They managed to get through math, and Martha had moved on to her biology homework, while Eddie had called it quits and had traded out Tetris for Bubble Bobble on Richie’s Game Boy.

“Hey, Eddie,” Martha said after a while. “Can we talk?”

Eddie had only seen Martha sad once before when he rejected her at New Year’s, and even then, before they had moved on and become the friends they are now, he wanted to protect her from ever feeling that way again. He hated having to turn her down, to make her sad. Martha was always a ray of sunshine in Eddie’s life, always beaming and spreading joy. She didn’t deserve to feel sad.

“Yeah?” Eddie said.

“I know,” Martha started, “I know you have to do this because your mom is crazy, but my friends are always asking why I keep hanging out with you. They think it’s weird that we’re just friends… and I can’t tell them the truth, but it’s getting to me. Like, sometimes I feel like we’re not real friends or something.”

“We are friends, Martha,” Eddie said. “I’m not using you, if that’s what –”

“No,” Martha said, “I only mean that my friends are being weird and it’s making me feel weird. I know that we’re friends, but my friends are being so mean about it, like, the only way I can hang out with you is if we’re actually dating or something.”

Eddie was reminded of how awkward it was when he knew Martha had feelings for him. He didn’t see her that way now, and he often forgot about it, but her friends probably didn’t.

“I got over you,” Martha said as if reading his thoughts, “I really did, but my friends don’t believe me.” She paused. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I think I needed to talk about it.”

“What if,” Eddie said, a plan slowly developing in his head as he spoke, “I help you like you helped me. That’s how friendship works, right?”

“Right?”

“Although, it would also help me,” Eddie said, “and I’d have to talk to Richie first.”

“Eddie,” Martha said. “You have to tell me exactly what you mean.”

“Pretending for my mom was just practice,” Eddie said. “What if we pretended for the entire school?”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Martha asked.

“Probably not,” Eddie admitted. “But your friends will stop bothering you, Noah will get off my fucking back, and no one will suspect anything.” He paused. “Unless there’s some guy you’re lusting after?”

“Nah,” Martha said. “All the guys in this town are either jerks or gay.” She smiled softly at that, losing herself in thought for a moment. “Okay.”

“Really?”

“If Richie agrees, then yes, let’s do it.”

All that was left to do after that was to figure out the logistics. They would tell everyone and hold hands and all that in public, but kissing was off-limits. The only people who would know it was for show would be Eddie’s friends, and they could be trusted to keep a secret. At least Eddie had a sales pitch to Richie, and he really hoped that Richie would be in a good mood later because he had absolutely no idea if he would go for this or not.

He didn’t have time to think on it when his mother called them down for dinner. To Eddie’s surprise, she made a full meal, a roast and sides, and it looked good. He couldn’t remember the last time she made a meal for the two of them. She helped in the kitchen over the holidays, but never went out of her way for Eddie.

Eddie felt a strange pang in his chest at the way his mother smiled at Martha.

Dinner went fine and Eddie couldn’t complain. Sonia mostly talked to Martha, asking her countless questions about her family and her plans for the future. She was delighted to hear that Martha was considering Eastern Maine for college, claiming she didn’t have too many aspirations outside of getting a good job and not paying a lot for college. And besides, her dad promised her a car for graduation if that’s where she chose to go.

Martha also confessed that her sister got pregnant in college and had to drop out and move back home a few years ago, that she didn’t want to end up like that, thinking it was the family curse because her mom got pregnant at eighteen, and eventually wrapping it up in a heavy compliment towards Eddie and how much of a gentleman he was.

Eddie tried to smile, to take the compliment and keep acting for his mother’s sake, but he realized he didn’t know any of this about Martha. She was so smart. She was amazing at math and science, and Eddie couldn’t see her scraping by at Eastern Maine to get an okay job and keep living in Derry all her life.

He wondered why she never said anything before.

At the end of dinner, Martha offered to help wash dishes, and Sonia told Eddie he ought to help her.

“I did the cooking,” Sonia said, “you can do the cleaning.”

And with that, Sonia returned to her spot in the living room. It was almost seven, anyway.

“How was I?” Martha asked.

“A fucking beauty,” Eddie said stacking plates. He took them over to the sink and started filling it with water.

Martha brought over the rest of the dishes.

“How come you never told me any of that?” Eddie asked.

“It never came up,” Martha said. “We don’t usually talk about college.”

“You can’t go to Eastern,” Eddie said. “You’re way too fucking smart for that. You could get into any school and do science and shit like you like.”

“As if my parents would let me,” Martha said. “They let my sister go to Ohio State and she came back with a baby and no husband, debt and no job. You honestly think they’d let me go anywhere out of their sight?”

That sounded familiar. Eddie hadn’t thought too hard about it, where he wanted to go. He wouldn’t have to until fall when he would apply, but he knew he had to get out. It would break his mother’s heart, but if he stayed… He couldn’t bear to think about that.

“And besides,” Martha continued, “Derry’s not that bad.” She put the plates in the now full sink. “I could live here for a few more years. Maybe move to Portland when I graduate. It won’t be that bad.”

“You shouldn’t sell yourself short,” Eddie said. “Sometimes parents don’t know what’s best for you.”

“You of all people should know it’s not that easy, Eddie,” Martha said in a final way.

Eddie didn’t say anything else about it.

She was right, but he couldn’t admit that. Not yet.

Once they had finished the dishes, Martha went home. Eddie retired to his room after a bit of playful teasing from his mother (“She’s the perfect girl for you, Eddie-bear. I see the way you look at her.”), desperate for some sleep despite it still being so early. He randomly chose one of his tapes to listen to before laying down on his bed.

The familiar twang of guitar came out of his speakers as his nemesis Billy Ray Cyrus began singing, but Eddie didn’t have enough energy to get up and skip the song. He pressed his pillow over his head to drown out the sound.

That must have been how he missed Richie coming in a minute later.

Richie lifted the pillow up, revealing to Eddie his wide grin. “Do you think I’d look good with a mullet?”

Eddie sat up. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Good ol’ Billy Ray has one,” Richie said sitting next to Eddie. “And he’s fucking hot. I think I could rock it.”

Eddie smiled softly. “You’re in a good mood.”

For a fleeting second, Eddie thought the impossible had happened. The test was a false positive, and the doctor confirmed it. Things would be okay.

But only for a second. Richie pulled a picture out of his jacket, gazing at it for a second before handing it over to Eddie.

Eddie wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be looking at. He knew it was an ultrasound, that somewhere in this picture was a baby, or the preformed, incomplete version of a baby, but to him it was nothing but squiggly lines and blurs.

Richie situated himself behind Eddie, wrapping his legs and arms around him, and pressed a soft kiss into his shoulder. He pointed at the picture. “Right here,” he said. “That’s it.” He drew a vague line around what Eddie assumed to be the outline of the baby.

“This is…” Eddie couldn’t find the words.

“A lot,” Richie finished for him. “Both me and Katie cried at the doctor. I think she’s scared of her parents, but I don’t know…It’s just amazing to me.”

Eddie tried to look at Richie who was resting his chin on his shoulder, and could tell that Richie’s eyes were red.

“That’s my kid,” Richie said. “I never thought…”

“Do you know what it is yet?” Eddie asked.

“No, can’t find out until at least ten weeks and she’s only six. We’ll find out at the next appointment.”

Eddie kept staring at the photo, and a selfish part of him imagined that this is what it would be like. If he was normal, if he wasn’t with Richie, or even better, if the world was better than it was, this is what it would be like.

“Are you sure about all this, Eds?” Richie asked sullenly. “You can always back out. It’s not yours. You don’t have to stick around.”

“I will, though,” Eddie said. “Bound forever, right?”

Richie wiped his eyes. “Don’t feel like you have to, okay? I don’t want you to hate me over this.”

“I won’t,” Eddie said softly. “I can make my own decisions, and I’m choosing to stay.”

Richie kissed the crook of Eddie’s neck. “I don’t know how I’d do this without you, baby.”

Eddie put the picture down on his bedside table, and turned around so that he could straddle Richie, look him in the eye. Richie’s eyes were puffy and red. Eddie gently brushed a hair from his face and took his glasses off.

Richie ducked his head down into Eddie’s chest and hugged him tight. Eddie responded by wrapping his arms around Richie and pressing a kiss into his hair.

“Anything you need,” Eddie said. “I’m here.”

“You smell so good,” Richie said pushing his face into Eddie’s chest and sniffing aggressively.

“You’re so fucking weird,” Eddie said.

Richie pulled back and looked at Eddie. “So, what did you get up to today? Weep over my absence?”

“You wish, Trashmouth,” Eddie said. “Martha had dinner here. My mom _cooked_ for her.”

“I miss when she used to cook for me.”

“She’s never cooked for you.”

“Not that you’re aware of,” Richie said winking. “How was it? Put on a good act?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “My mom’s nuts about her.”

“Good,” Richie said.

Eddie leaned down and kissed Richie softly. Eddie hesitated over what he had to say next, almost wanting to skip it, decide against it.

“I have a question,” Eddie said slowly. “And you can say no.” He added that last part with a bout of anxiety, making sure that Richie knew it was okay to back out.

“Yeah?” Richie questioned.

“Martha and I were talking,” Eddie prefaced. “Her friends are being shitty, and – and I know I haven’t mentioned it, but…so is Noah. And we thought…it might be a good idea to – fuck, this is a lot worse than I thought.”

Richie moved a hand to Eddie’s face, rubbing his thumb along Eddie’s cheek.

“We were talking,” Eddie continued, “about saying we’re dating at school too. Not just for my mom.”

Richie moved his hand down to Eddie’s shoulder. “What about Noah?”

“He’s just been,” Eddie said, “he seems to think that it’s a matter of time before I come crawling back to him.”

“And if he’s thinks you’re dating Martha…”

“He’s under the impression that being queer is something dirty. And if he thinks I’m dating a girl, then he might move on. He’ll think I moved on.”

Richie nodded. “Okay.”

Eddie was taken aback. He was prepared for Richie to ask for justification. He had a case prepared, lines and boundaries that they had set up ahead of time, ready for Richie to say no. It felt too easy, but maybe Richie had been thinking about it too.

“Are you sure?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “Noah’s a piece of shit and if you think this will help then…yeah, you can. Um…what – what does that mean, though? Like, what are you going to do?”

“Just hold hands and stuff,” Eddie said. “She’ll tell her friends and they’ll shut up about us hanging out.”

“Are you going to…kiss or whatever?”

“No,” Eddie said. “That’s just for you.”

Richie pulled him down into another kiss, practically purring, pulling Eddie deeper and deeper. Richie’s hand moved to the back of Eddie’s neck, holding him close. Eddie slid his hands under Richie’s shirt, running them up his chest.

Richie’s other hand found it’s way to the small of Eddie’s back, and Eddie wanted to get closer, pushing his hips forward against Richie, who let out a moan into Eddie’s mouth. Eddie pushed up more under Richie’s shirt, begging him to take the hint to take it off. He did, and Eddie did the same, breaking their kiss for as short as possible, reclaiming each other as soon as they could.

They fell back on the bed, kissing and running their hand all over. Richie’s skin felt so good, and Eddie still wasn’t satisfied. But they hadn’t gone this far before. They had barely made it further than making out, grinding against each other fully clothed. Eddie didn’t want to push any farther than Richie was ready for.

But Richie was the one digging his nails into Eddie’s back, holding their bodies flush together. And Richie was growing hard against Eddie’s thigh, but Eddie couldn’t lie, so was he.

Eddie didn’t have a chance to make that decision to go further.

There was a knock at the door.

Richie shot up and hit Eddie’s nose with his forehead. Before Eddie could even react to the pain, he was unceremoniously shoved to the side as the shirt he discarded was thrown at him and Richie shoved himself in the closet.

“Yeah, Ma?” Eddie said quickly tugging on his shirt.

The door opened. “You need to come downstairs and finish the dishes,” Sonia said.

“I did,” Eddie said.

“They’re done drying,” she said turning to leave. “Put them away.” She didn’t shut the door behind her.

Eddie looked down and realized he was wearing Richie’s shirt, not his. He hoped his mother didn’t notice, or if she did, she thought nothing of it.

He went over to the closet where Richie was and opened the door. “How’s my shirt?”

“A little tight,” Richie said not wearing it. “Smells like you, though.”

Eddie kissed him. “Be right back, sweetheart.”

“I’d wait here all night, baby.”

“I don’t understand what Mr. Carey’s deal is,” Eddie said to Bill as they approached his locker. Eddie opened it to switch textbooks for his next class. “If we finished the work, we should be able to talk to each other.”

“He doesn’t want us goofing off,” Bill said. “Makes him look bad.”

“It’s stupid,” Eddie said.

“Oh, but Eddie,” Bill said in a mocking tone. “Don’t you know that goofing around is for children?” This was something their chemistry teacher said often, expecting the class to settle down and listen as though they didn’t want to be considered children. It was times like those that Eddie wished Richie was in his class.

Eddie felt a pair of arms around his waist as someone hugged him from behind. He didn’t need to look to know it was Martha. He told her only yesterday that Richie had agreed, that they could put on a show for the school. Bill eyed him nervously.

“Bill, you know Martha,” Eddie said exaggerating the words. “We started _dating_ , remember?”

Bill’s face seemed to register was Eddie was saying as his mouth formed a small “Oh”. “Right,” he said. “How c-c-could I forget? Have you told Richie yet?”

“You know he was the first person I told,” Eddie said. Admittedly, neither of them were very good actors, and the conversation seemed strange to them, but no one gave them a passing glance if they overheard at all.

“I have to get to class,” Bill said. “Nice seeing you, Martha.”

Martha said goodbye to Bill, as Eddie turned around to look at her.

“I told my friends this morning,” Martha said.

“Did they believe you?” Eddie asked knowing it was a stupid question.

“Yes, and they’re very happy for us,” she said. “I told them you finally admitted your feelings for me last night and asked me out.”

“Was I romantic?”

“Nope. Not at all.”

Eddie laughed. “I’ll have you know, I can be very romantic.”

“Would Richie agree?”

“Oh, fuck you.”

Martha smiled, and then her face turned into a mix of contemplation and nervousness. “I also told my parents.”

“Oh,” Eddie said, not very surprised. He must have guessed she would do something like that eventually. If he was allowed to tell his mother, then why couldn’t she tell her parents?

“I figured they’d find out eventually,” Martha explained. “So, now they know, but I don’t expect them to want to meet you for a little while.”

“That’s – that’s fine,” Eddie said. “You’re my _girlfriend_ , right? Why wouldn’t you tell your parents?” The word still let a bad taste in his mouth, turning his stomach. He hoped it would get easier.

“That’s right, _boyfriend_ ,” Martha said before kissing Eddie’s cheek. “I’ll see you later,” she said walking down the hall.

Eddie face stung where she had kissed him, a burning that wouldn’t go away, a lie that manifested itself as a horrible feeling in his chest. He hoped it would get easier, but he also hoped this was the right choice.

The days turned to weeks as the school year started coming to an end. It was nearly June before Katie had decided to go in for another checkup, the bill from the first visit having taken a serious toll on hers and Richie’s finances as they tried to hide it from their parents.

At the beginning of May, she had started wearing looser shirts and dresses, something that went unnoticed by everyone. And how she had managed to hide her morning sickness, Eddie would never know. But what he did know was that he was the only one besides the two of them that was in the loop. Katie hadn’t told a single one of her friends yet, and none of the other Losers knew either, although it was a matter of time before everyone in town was talking about it. Katie couldn’t hide it forever.

After this appointment, Richie had said, then they would tell their parents. They would do it slowly. First, Katie would tell her friends, hoping they would support her and give her the boost she needed to tell her parents, then her parents, and Richie would tell his. It wasn’t a perfect system, but Eddie didn’t feel the need to point out how unlikely it was that Katie’s friends would wholeheartedly support her. They were all her friends from church. It was bound to be awful, but Eddie kept that to himself. She didn’t need any more heartbreak right now.

Richie came by after the appointment to show Eddie the new sonogram picture. They sat like they did the first time, and Eddie almost didn’t hear Richie when he finally spoke up.

“It’s a girl,” Richie said.

“What?” Eddie said.

“I’m going to have a little girl,” Richie said starting to cry. “And I’m going to love her so much. She’s never going to fucking know a life without love.”

Eddie believed him. Richie was never serious about many things, and talking about his feelings was a big one, usually opting for a quick joke over genuinely voicing his concerns. So, when Richie was serious, Eddie had no choice but to believe him.

He only wished he could have been prepared for what happened the next day.

Richie was in a weird mood all morning. It made sense. He was planning on telling his parents that night after school, so he had the right to act a little odd. But when they got to school, it was mayhem.

Outside, Bev and Ben ran up to them.

“Is it true?” Bev asked.

“Is what true?” Richie asked in a panic.

Walking by, someone from the class above them yelled, “Tozier, heard you knocked a girl up.”

His friend chiming in and saying, “Didn’t think you had it in ya! Thought you were too much of fag for that!”

They laughed and continued walking, unfazed by what they had just said.

Richie went pale, and Eddie wished he could take his hand.

“The whole school knows, Richie,” Ben said sympathetically. “Her friends are going around telling everyone.”

Richie put his face in his hands.

Bev lightly touched his arms. “Hey, let’s skip today. Fuck those guys.”

Richie took his hands away from his face. “Where’s Katie?”

“Haven’t seen her yet,” Bev said.

Instead of responding, Richie brushed past her and ran in the building.

Bev and Ben looked to Eddie who had been reeling, trying to take everything in. _The whole school knows_. Eddie had wanted their plan to work. One step at a time, and everything would be okay. They could take the hurt one step at a time, process it in phases before moving on to the next part. They should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. Most things weren’t.

“Did you know?” Ben asked quietly.

Eddie nodded, unable to find any words.

“C’mon,” Bev said. “Let’s go make sure he’s okay.”

They went inside and everything seemed normal. It wasn’t until Eddie tuned into the conversation happening that the scene felt wrong (“Did you hear?” and “Yeah, Katie Glossier and Richie Tozier” and “Haven’t they heard of condoms?”).

Eddie tried to ignore it.

Richie was nowhere in sight, and neither was Katie. Eddie wandered to her locker, vaguely aware of Bev and Ben following him.

He thought they had left defacing lockers back in middle school, that they were above such petty forms of bullying and shame. He stared at Katie’s locker, reading and rereading the words over and over again. Slut. Whore. Tramp. It made Eddie sick to his stomach.

It was hard to believe people could be so mean sometimes.

“People really suck, don’t they?” Bev said under her breath.

“Hey, guys,” Stan came up to them. “Have you seen Richie?”

“Trying to find him,” Ben said.

“Eddie?” Stan said. “Did you know?”

“Fuck, of course I did,” Eddie snapped. “Let’s just assume I’ve known from the beginning. The day she told him and all the doctor’s appointments not to mention how much it cost and the fucking gender of the baby. Of course, I fucking knew.”

Stan gaped at him.

“Sorry,” Eddie said immediately. “I’m sorry. Let’s just make sure Richie’s okay.”

“Can we talk first?” Stan said. He looked pointedly at Bev and Ben, who said something about where they were going and left. Eddie didn’t hear.

“He told me about a month ago,” Stan said, “which, admittedly, was a pretty long time for him to keep his big mouth shut.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t tell you sooner,” Eddie said.

“And I’m surprised he told you as much as he did,” Stan said. “From what it sounded like, Katie didn’t want anyone to know, but she sort of accepted that he would tell you. I figured he would have kept some things private.”

Eddie shrugged. “He showed me the sonograms, too.”

“Eddie, be honest with me.” Stan said that in an almost stern way, like Eddie was going to get in trouble if he wasn’t honest. “What do you think of all this? I know it’s stressful, and you love Richie and that’s why you’re staying with him, but how do you expect this to end?”

“Honestly?” Eddie tried to figure out where to start. “Honestly, sometimes I imagine that it’s mine and Richie’s baby, that somehow that’s a thing that can happen in this fucked-up world and not a fucking dream.” Eddie paused. “And I hate it. I hate myself for thinking such stupid fucking shit because I know it will never happen. I fucking hate it.”

Eddie never really thought about having kids, at least not beyond the idea that he was obligated to. He never imagined himself with a house full of children and a spouse he loved, living the American Dream like he was supposed to. He never imagined it because it never felt right. He was a _goddamn dirty queer_ and no one was going to let him have that, so what was the point in imagining it?

Stan looked at Eddie for only a second before hugging him. Eddie was confused, but hugged Stan back.

“What’s this for?” Eddie asked quietly.

“You just seemed like you needed it,” Stan said. He pulled away. “You know, Eddie, when you graduate, you and Richie are going to get the fuck out of here and go someplace that actually gives a shit about you. I know you will.”

Eddie nodded knowing Stan was being sincere and believed his words, but Eddie wasn’t so sure.

They returned to their quest of finding Richie, and soon did. They saw him from a distance, holding a crying Katie against his chest. They left them alone. They could talk later.

Richie disappeared for the rest of the day, and didn’t show again until he was at Eddie’s window that night. He came in and collapsed on Eddie’s bed, his glasses cracked, large bruise forming on his face, lip bleeding, fist tattered, and his hair askew.

Before Eddie said anything, he went to the bathroom to get the first aid kit, and snuck downstairs to grab an ice pack from the freezer.

He sat Richie up on the edge of his bed, neither of them having said a word yet. He gave Richie the ice pack, and Richie instinctively took off his glasses and held it against his eye.

Eddie started cleaning Richie’s knuckles, which, by the looks of them, had gotten in more than one punch. He didn’t dare ask. He waited for Richie to speak first.

“I didn’t even have a chance to tell them,” Richie said quietly as Eddie started wrapping his hand. “I got home and my parents already knew.”

“Who told them?” Eddie asked.

“Katie’s parents,” Richie said. “Her friends told everyone because they think she’s going to hell now or whatever the fuck, and they told her parents, and her parents told mine.”

He was talking slowly with none of his usual charm. Eddie had gotten used to that lately, actively missing how Richie used to be before any of this happened.

“What happened?” Eddie asked.

“We got in a fight,” Richie said. “My dad was yelling and my mom was crying. My dad didn’t believe me when I said the condom broke. My mom wanted to know why I didn’t say anything sooner. I got pissed off, so I left.”

“And got into a real fight,” Eddie stated. “With who?”

“Goodall,” Richie said without hesitating. “Motherfucker was asking for it.”

“Was he?” Eddie asked carefully. “Or were you just pissed off?”

Eddie finished wrapping Richie’s hand, and Richie flexed it test the wrappings.

“Probably both,” Richie admitted. “He was saying shit about me and Katie, and then he started talking shit about you.”

Eddie took the ice pack from Richie. It was getting pretty melted. “You know I don’t like it when you fight.”

“I’m sorry,” Richie said. “You should have heard what he said though.” Richie paused, and when Eddie didn’t protest, he kept talking. “I told him to stop harassing you, and he said that you liked it. And he called you easy again. And he said he missed you in the bathroom and then he…he started talking about you…”

Eddie started cleaning Richie’s glasses, examining the crack. It was one line that ran diagonal through the lens. He would be able to see well enough until he got new ones.

“So, I decked him,” Richie said. “At some point he said you were too small to fight back, that you were lucky you had people to come save you…” Tears welled in Richie’s eyes. “That if he did something to you, you deserved it. I lost it, and he got the upper hand then.”

Eddie gently wiped Richie’s tears away with his hand, and placed his glasses back on his face.

“He didn’t do anything to you, did he?” Richie asked.

Eddie shook his head. “He almost did once,” he said. “Ben walked in and saved me. That’s what he’s talking about.”

“He’s an asshole,” Richie muttered.

“You can’t stay here tonight, Richie,” Eddie said. “You have to go home and talk to your parents.”

“Why? So, they can blow me off and get mad at me again?”

“They’re scared, Rich,” Eddie said firmly. “Just like you were and still are. They want things to be good for you and when they’re not, they get scared. Talk to them like human beings because now they’re really worried about you after you ran out like that.”

“Sure,” Richie said, although he didn’t sound it. He ran a finger along his hand wrappings, the twists and turns around his fingers, the lines the overlaps made.

“I’ll walk you home,” Eddie said. “My mom went to bed an hour ago.”

Richie eventually agreed. They walked to Richie’s house in silence, and Eddie watched until Richie walked through the front door before turning to head home.

* * *

“Have a seat,” Went said when Richie walked into the kitchen.

“I’m sure you know what this is about,” Maggie said calmly.

Richie crossed his arms, not saying a word. There was something about the way his parents confronted him that he didn’t like, he detested, and he decided he wasn’t going to admit anything until his parents said it first.

“Dammit, Richie,” Went said, “Katie’s parents told us everything.”

“What were you thinking, Richie?” Maggie asked, her voice starting to quiver.

Richie remained silent.

“You better have something to say for yourself,” Went said, his voice rising. “How the hell did you get her pregnant?”

Richie said the first thing that came to mind, and looking back he knew he shouldn’t have. “How do you think?”

Went slammed his hand down on the table. “You think this is funny? Your girlfriend is pregnant and you’re cracking jokes.”

“Ex-girlfriend,” Richie corrected.

“Doesn’t matter,” Went said. “The point is she’s pregnant with your kid and you need to step up. Take some responsibility for once in your goddamn life.”

“I have,” Richie said defensively. “I paid for most of the first sonogram bill. I am responsible. You just didn’t know about it.”

“First sonogram?” Maggie questioned. “How long have you known about this?”

“Beginning of March,” Richie said.

“That long,” Maggie said, and a hand flew up to her mouth. “And you didn’t say anything?”

“Mr. Glossier expects you to marry her,” Went said.

“Marry her?” Richie repeated in shock. “We broke up months ago! We’re seventeen! I’m not fucking marrying her.”

“Maybe you wouldn’t have this problem if you used a condom like you were supposed to,” Went said. “Or waited until marriage.”

“I used a condom, okay?” Richie said. “Not my fault it broke.”

Maggie looked down at the table, obviously uncomfortable with the way Richie was talking.

“Fine,” Went said, “then what do you propose you do instead of marrying her? How in God’s name are you going to support your child?”

“She doesn’t even know if she wants to keep it yet!” Richie said. “I’m doing everything I can to support her.”

“Her father says she’s keeping it,” Went said.

“Last I checked, she’s not her dad,” Richie snapped. “It’s not his baby.”

“I think you should at least be with her,” Maggie chimed in. “If you don’t marry her now, I’d expect a proposal down the road.”

“I’m not getting back together with her,” Richie said. “We’re not in love anymore, okay? I don’t want to be with her.”

“And what will that do to your baby?” Maggie asked. “Children shouldn’t grow up in broken homes.”

“And it’ll be better if we hate each other?” Richie came back. “That our kid will be better off if her parents are fighting all the time?”

“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” Went said. “Family is important.”

“Family is more than blood,” Richie said. “Sorry to break it to you.”

“I can’t keep listening to this,” Maggie said getting up from the table. “A child needs two parents.”

“And she will,” Richie said standing up too. “I’ll be there for her no matter what. But I don’t love Katie, and I can’t be with her.”

“Give me one good reason why not,” Maggie said finally getting angry.

“Because I love someone else!” Richie said.

There was a long pause. Richie claimed the space before his parents could get another word in.

“That’s right,” Richie said. “I love someone else, and it’s not Katie.”

Went finally stood up. “Richie, you need to take responsibility for your child, so help me.” He was furious, and Richie didn’t care anymore.

“I am!” Richie said. “I don’t know how many fucking times I have to tell you that I am! I’m doing every fucking thing I can do to be supportive and getting back with Katie won’t help anyone but yours and her parents’ stupid reputations!”

“Richie,” Went said, “you better watch your mouth.”

“I don’t care!” Richie said. “Fuck, here’s another thing to ruin your goddamn stupid reputations! All those rumors? They’re true! Your son’s a fucking faggot! A goddamn dirty queer who’s in love with a boy! Your son’s a fag who knocked up one of the fucking church girls! How’s that for a ruined reputation?”

Maggie went pale, and Went turned beet red.

“Richie,” Went said, “you need to sit down and shut up. You need to grow up.”

“No fucking way, Daddy-o,” Richie said turning to leave. “I’m out of here.”

He left his house, ignoring his mother’s calls from the front porch to come back. Without thinking, he got into a fist fight, and the only place he knew to go was Eddie’s, who convinced him to go home and talk to his parents. What a stupid fucking night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh? some richie pov?
> 
> It felt necessary. There's one more point where it switches to his pov but that's it.


	10. the more things change, the more they stay the same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, before y'all make fun of me for listening to country music, please do yourself a favor and listen to "Summertime" by Kenny Chesney (chapter title hhh) and picture a modern au version of Eddie and Richie singing this in the car in the summer with the windows rolled down and Eddie's feet up on the dashboard and fcuk i love it

Summer came as people slowly stopped talking about Richie and Katie, choosing instead to focus on celebrating the graduation of seniors and begin bombarding the next class about what colleges they planned on applying to. But that would have to wait until fall, because this was Richie’s last summer before everything changed.

Eddie never figured out everything that went on that night. Richie only told him bits and pieces.

Things must have turned out okay because Eddie was over there more than he was at his own house, hanging out and playing video games and staying for dinner. But for some reason, Richie’s parents stopped letting him spend the night. Eddie didn’t mind that much. Richie would usually sneak out anyway and end up in Eddie’s bed whatever his parents said.

“I’m pretty sure they know I sneak out every night,” Richie admitted after a little while.

“Why won’t they let me sleep over?” Eddie asked point blank.

“Uh,” Richie stuttered, “Dunno. They’re just weird like that.”

Eddie dropped it. He knew when Richie was like this, there was no getting through to him. It wasn’t that big of a deal, so Eddie didn’t find it pressing to try and get Richie to talk, and he knew Richie would talk in his own time anyway.

For now, they could relish in the thrill of the threat of getting caught as they fell more and more in love.

Martha started hanging out with the Losers more over the summer, realizing that her friends weren’t that great now that all they cared about was her “relationship” with Eddie. She hung out with them a few times, claiming to be on dates with Eddie to keep up appearances, but as she spent more time with them, she saw how they treated her versus how her so-called friends treated her.

She admitted that they were mean, often pressuring her into doing things she didn’t want to do and treating her like a child when she refused to do them. The Losers were never like that, welcoming her immediately and treating her with nothing but kindness.

It was awkward at first, and she clung to Eddie. He understood. He and his friends already had such a strong dynamic that introducing someone new would be strange, maybe even uncomfortable, but after a few times, Martha felt at ease, especially with Bev asking her to hang out just the two of them.

After a little while, they decided they could show her the clubhouse. They were getting too big for it these days, most of them having shot up a foot in growth since they first started coming here, but it was still nice to hang out in sometimes. And it made for a great hideaway when two or three of them needed somewhere to go.

“Wait,” Martha said as they started going into the clubhouse, “it’s underground?”

“Yeah,” Bev said. “How cool is that?”

“I thought it would be, like, a fort, or maybe a treehouse or something,” Martha said.

“Nah, that’s too lame for us,” Bev continued.

“Is this like, your version of public foreplay or whatever?” Richie chimed in. “I know Haystack is amazing, but keep it to yourselves.”

“Beep, beep, Rich,” Bev said. She nudged Martha. “Ben built the clubhouse.”

“It looks a lot cooler when you’re inside,” Eddie said.

Inside, Martha gaped at the structure, complimenting Ben’s abilities. Ben blushed and thanked her.

Eddie offered her first seat in the hammock, explaining that they used to have a ten-minute rule but now it was like shotgun rules with whoever got there first claiming it.

“We used to fight over it,” Eddie said gesturing at Richie.

“You sure that wasn’t flirting?” Stan said.

“Now we just share,” Eddie said ignoring Stan.

“More flirting,” Bill said.

Martha scrunched her face in confusion. “But you can share pretty easily if you sit sideways.” She demonstrated by sitting perpendicular in the hammock like it was a chair and patted the space next to her. “See? Like a bench.”

Everyone laughed except for Eddie and Richie.

“You know what?” Richie said. “Fuck you guys. I love my Eds and his weird flirting.” To make sure everyone understood, Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie and placed a sloppy, wet kiss on his cheek.

Bill and Mike got together in late June after weeks of them painfully skirting around the subject. In the end, Eddie was practically begging both of them to admit their feelings for the other while still holding his promises not to say a word about the others’ feelings. It was absolute torture. Neither of them would accept that the other would be into them like that, and neither of them was willing to risk losing their friendship over it.

“You and Richie are great,” Mike had said, “but that’s just not realistic and I don’t want to lose Bill over it.”

Eddie nearly pulled his hair out over that one.

It was late June, mid-morning when he got a phone call. He and Richie were laying in bed, Richie having spent the night like usual, when his mother knocked on his door saying he had a phone call.

“Hello?” Eddie said into the receiver trying to escape Richie’s arms holding him in bed.

“I d-duh-did it, Eddie,” Bill said. “I asked him out.”

“Wait,” Eddie said pulling himself free. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Bill said. “I was at the f-f-farm this m-m-morning and I did it. And he said yes.”

“Billy,” Eddie said. “You guys were going to fucking kill me.”

Richie sat up. “That big Bill? Are him and Mike finally an item?”

Eddie pushed a hand into Richie’s face as he got up out of bed to sit at his desk. “So, what’s the plan?”

“Movie, and then we’re going to d-duh-dinner in Bangor,” Bill said.

“That’s cute, Bill,” Eddie said.

Richie sat up and put on his best puppy dog eyes and pout while reaching his arms out to Eddie.

“I have to go, Bill. Turns out I’m dating a baby.”

“Good luck with that,” Bill said. “I’ll call you tonight and t-tuh-tell you how it went.”

Eddie hung up and returned to the bed where Richie was. Richie grabbed him and pulled him down on top of him.

“Love you, baby,” Richie said.

“I love you, too,” Eddie said and placed a hand over Richie’s mouth. “But I’m still not kissing your gross morning breath.”

Eddie tried to figure out why Richie’s parents had gotten so distant from him. They had always been so nice, opening their home to him whenever he needed it, but there was a strange tension between them now, and Richie wouldn’t explain why.

Eddie said it was fine, that it wasn’t a big deal that the Toziers had started acting weird, but that was a lie. As his own mother grew more involved in his relationship with Martha, he grew more inclined to stay out of her way for fear that she would discover the truth.

But it didn’t help that Maggie and Went seemed to not want him around either.

It was the Fourth of July, and the Toziers had hosted a backyard barbeque for the neighbors. They allowed Richie to bring one friend, expecting him to run off in the evening for whatever his friends had planned. Naturally, Richie brought Eddie.

It was fine for a while. The two of them never left each other’s sides as they made awkward small talk with the neighbors, nearly all of them only able to ask questions about their plans after graduation and scoff at the idea that they were both planning on going out of state (“But Eastern is so cheap” and “Don’t dismiss what’s right here” and “Won’t you miss your parents?”).

At some point, Richie got pulled into a lengthy conversation with his elderly neighbor about her plants, and while Richie did his best to feign interest, Eddie found himself falling asleep, and politely excused himself to get something to drink. He decided to take a long break and go inside, which he first believed to be a mistake when he found Maggie sitting alone inside at the kitchen table.

“Oh, Eddie,” Maggie said when she saw Eddie come in. “Did you need something?”

“Just getting out of the sun,” Eddie said. “I can leave…”

“No, sit,” Maggie said. “I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

Eddie gingerly took a seat.

“Eddie,” Maggie started, “you know Mr. Tozier and I care for you very much. You’re practically another son to us.”

“Yes,” Eddie said slowly.

“And Richie cares for you too,” Maggie said. “He cares a lot for you.”

“Right.” He was careful not to say too much. He had no idea what she knew.

“Has he told you what he told us?” she asked when she realized that Eddie had no idea what she was talking about.

Eddie shook his head, but he could only assume that Richie had spilled everything. It would make sense. They had stopped letting him sleep over, there was a strange tension, and Richie was acting weird about them. They knew.

“You know you can come to us with anything,” Maggie said. “We care about you, sweetie, and we don’t want you to feel uncomfortable here. You must in so many other places, but we don’t ever want you feeling that way here. It’s – it’s okay, Eddie.”

“He told you,” Eddie said, “about us.”

Maggie nodded sullenly. “I’m sorry we haven’t been the best lately. I suppose we were processing things. But we love Richie, and we love you. It’s okay, sweetie.”

Eddie didn’t know what it was, likely a mixture of the sun and heat, as well as his own exhaustion from being at a party, but he started softly crying. He didn’t want to, trying to hold it in, but it was too much to contain, and it felt so nice to hear that he was still loved despite who he was. _With_ who he was.

“I’m gay,” Eddie said. “I’m gay and I can’t tell my mom because I’m scared she’ll hate me.”

Maggie put a hand on his shoulder and pulled him in for a hug. She kept whispering “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He wished he could believe her.

Later that night, when he and Richie were sitting around with their friends, passing around the whiskey that Bill lifted from his dad’s supply, he leaned into Richie. Richie put an arm around him, and Eddie hugged Richie from the side, pressing his face into Richie’s shoulder.

“It’s okay that you told your parents,” Eddie said.

“She told you,” Richie said. “I’m sorry that I did it without asking you. I did it when we had that big fight. It was an accident. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie said. “It’s okay.”

Now that they had all this free time, Eddie and Bev made sure to spend plenty of time together, something they fell out of during the school year. Their one-on-one time was important to Eddie and he hated that the school year made them both so busy that they had to pick and choose who to talk to and where to go, usually choosing their significant other over each other. But now there was plenty of time.

And it helped that Bev’s aunt worked all day so the house was empty, and they could get away with a lot more than usual.

One thing they loved to do was bake. Eddie liked the precise nature of baking. Following recipes exactly, making sure things were perfect, counting it out exactly. Bev, on the other hand was a bit more carefree, saying as long as it ended up in the bowl and came out edible, then it was a job well done.

Somehow, they always came out of it a mess, almost always the result of Bev dropping something or getting bored and “spilling” it on Eddie. They would run into each other in the tiny kitchen and the bowl would go flying, or Bev would smack Eddie’s back with a flour-covered hand, or that one time that Eddie cracked an egg on Bev’s head because she made an off-handed comment about how egg yolk is supposedly good for hair growth.

This time they were making cookies. Something simple that Eddie hoped they could succeed at. With no mishaps yet, Eddie started measuring sugar with it either coming up too much or too little.

“Sweetie,” Bev said sticking her finger in the sugar and then licking it, “it’s fine if it’s a little off.”

“Then if the cookies turn out bad,” Eddie said, “it’s all your fault.” He measured perfectly this time and poured in into the bowl. “And wash your hands again.”

“Why?” Bev said. “Afraid I have cooties?”

“I know you have cooties,” Eddie said.

Despite her retort, Bev washed her hands. “Eddie? You’re like, good friends with Martha, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Good,” Bev said. “I’m glad you brought her to hang out. It’s…nice having another girl around.”

Eddie paused his measuring to look at Bev. “Uh, sure.”

“I love you boys,” Bev said, “but sometimes you guys don’t get it. So, I really like Martha and I’m telling you to never be mean to her because I’ll kill you.”

“Yeesh,” Eddie said. “Fine. My evil plans are over, I guess.”

“Good,” Bev said. “And between you and me, I never really liked Katie all that much. She was nice and all, but I never got what Richie saw in her.”

“I don’t think he ever did, either,” Eddie said.

“Well, I’m glad you guys ended up together,” Bev said reaching for an egg to put in the mixture. “Because I know exactly why he’s into you.”

“What’s that, Marsh?” Eddie asked.

She made a motion like she was zipping her lips closed.

“No fucking way,” Eddie said. “You can’t say that and not tell me.”

She unzipped her lips. “Fine,” she said enjoying this way too much for Eddie’s like. “He said he likes how small and fiery you are, but also that you’re really sweet and nice. And that’s all I’m going to say because after he told me that he started waxing fucking poetry about your body.”

Eddie couldn’t help blushing and tried to resume adding to the mixture. Bev had grabbed an egg so he should grab the second one. He cracked it with no problem, while Bev’s egg cracked all over her hands. She wiped it on Eddie’s shirt.

In return, he grabbed some sugar from the bag and threw it at her. The rest of the day went exactly how Eddie would have expected, right down to scrubbing flour off the kitchen floor an hour later while Bev took a shower to get egg out of her hair.

Most of the Losers found themselves with their first jobs over the summer. Richie and Bill got jobs at the movie theater, Ben got a job scooping ice cream, Stan and Bev were bagging groceries at the grocery store, and Mike got a job at the library. Eddie didn’t bother looking because of a comment Sonia had made sometime in April.

“Why would you need a job? Do I not provide enough for you? And what kind of dangers or diseases are floating around in those crummy teenager jobs? It would be better if you focused on school anyway.”

Eddie didn’t think summer would change her mind.

But with the introduction of jobs and them entering the working force came the new challenge of getting everyone together at the same time. Every other day, a group of at least three of them would make their way to the quarry to lay in the sun and go swimming.

And since Eddie didn’t have a job, he spent a lot of time at the quarry. He was usually accompanied by Stan and Bev who’s job did not provide a lot of hours, and often times Mike and Bill. But he also started relying on Martha, who also didn’t have a job, and joined most days.

It was a rare occasion that all of them would be out here like this. Eddie was applying sunscreen to Richie’s back, which had already started getting red despite them being out here for barely ten minutes. Bev and Martha were sitting on their towels, taking in the sun, and talking about something Eddie couldn’t hear. Bill and Mike were off to the side, Mike trying to show Bill how to catch frogs, and Bill very obviously watching Mike and not the frogs. And Stan and Ben were out swimming around, having been abandoned by Eddie and Richie, who had to go put on sunscreen.

“There,” Eddie said snapping the cap back on. “You should be good for a little while now.”

“Thanks, baby,” Richie said. “I know you hate it when I peel.”

“It’s gross,” Eddie said. “Take care of yourself.”

Eddie tried to walk back to the water, but Richie grabbed him from behind, holding his arms in so Eddie’s couldn’t swing at him.

“Or I could just let my dreamboat boyfriend lather sunscreen all over me,” Richie said. “My hunk. My sun kissed man with a tan from the gods.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said with a smile.

Bev turned to look at them and called out, “Hey, Rich, bet you can’t hold your breath longer than me!”

Richie immediately let go and ran for the water. “You’re on, Marsh!”

Bev followed, the two of them splashing around for a second before disappearing underwater.

Eddie went over to Bev’s abandoned towel sitting next to Martha. “How’s your new best friend?”

“It’s nice,” Martha said. “It’s really nice to have a friend that doesn’t want anything besides to hang out.”

Eddie wrote it off as the sun and Martha’s fair complexion when he saw her face go red.

It wasn’t as though Richie forgot that Katie existed. The way he phrased it was he could either be sitting around feeling sorry for her and himself, or he could “forget” for a few months and enjoy himself. He didn’t back out on helping with bills or talking to Katie every now and then or the countless meetings with her parents over the situation, but when she wasn’t around, he didn’t talk about it.

That was fine with everyone. Richie wasn’t that hard to read, and they would be able to tell if something was bothering him, even if he didn’t say anything.

But Richie talked about it with Eddie. He claimed that Eddie had the right to know everything that was happening. If Eddie was willing to stay with him through all of this, then he was allowed to know.

These information dumps usually came late at night when they were laying side-by-side in Eddie’s bed. It was times like these that Eddie found out that Katie’s parents were adamant about marriage.

“If you and Katie don’t want to,” Eddie said, “can they force you?”

“I don’t know,” Richie said. He always sounded so sad when he talked about Katie or her parents. It was such a stark contrast from when he talked about the actual baby. “Maybe, but it seems like he’s going to kick her out if we don’t.”

“I thought your parents were trying to talk to them,” Eddie said.

“They are,” Richie said. “But Katie’s parents are the fucking worst. They think the only way to have a baby is with marriage.”

“I thought your parents were the same,” Eddie said remembering his encounter with Maggie Tozier. “Unless…?”

“They used to be,” Richie said, “before… But they’ve started thinking differently. They think a kid needs both male and female _parental figures_ , but they said that doesn’t mean they have to be parents.” He paused. “They’re on our side. They just…”

“They’re figuring it out,” Eddie suggested.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “Point is, even before, they still didn’t want me getting married yet, even with a baby coming. They just wanted me to be responsible.”

“Which you are,” Eddie said.

“Exactly,” Richie said. “But stupid fucking Cliffton and Kendra Glossier seem to think otherwise. They don’t believe Katie when she says she doesn’t want to marry me, and they’re practically splashing holy water on her every time she suggests giving it up for adoption.”

“Rich?” Eddie said. “Do you ever…do you ever think about having kids for real? Um, like, you and me all grown up and we have our own but it’s what we want and planned. Because I think about that a lot.” He paused. “And sometimes I think about how we can’t. But I like to imagine that we can sometimes, that the world isn’t out to get us.”

Richie didn’t answer for a second, and Eddie panicked that he said too much.

“Sometimes,” Richie said. “And sometimes in my imagination…fuck, this is probably really bad. Sometimes I like to look at the sonograms and pretend that’s our baby. Like this whole fucking mess doesn’t exist and you and me are having a fucking kid. God, I probably sound so stupid right now.”

Eddie placed a hand on Richie’s cheek. “That’s not stupid at all.”

Eddie didn’t have a job, and neither did Martha, which meant they spent a lot of time together that summer. They usually hung out around town, still keeping up the fake dating charade for everyone to see. Sometimes they would run into her old friends, the ones she stopped talking to, and they would scoff at her and sometimes get Eddie alone and say awful things to him (“You took her away from us” and “You’re an abusive asshole” and “Quit lying to her cause we all know you’re a fag”).

But most of the time they spent was harassing their friends at work, bothering Ben for free samples of ice cream or buying weird grocery items and asking Stan to triple bag it or talking to Richie so much that his boss would tell them to see a movie or get lost.

And sometimes they hung out at her place when her parents weren’t around. It was easier than when they were. There was no snooping mother trying to check in, or annoying father forcing her to keep the door open. They could just hang out, talk, shoot the shit with no consequences.

“Eddie?” Martha said one day when they were laying on the floor listening to music. “How did you know you were gay?”

“Just did,” Eddie said. “Kissed a girl and it was gross, kissed a boy and liked it.”

“Is it really that easy?”

“It was for me,” Eddie said. “Bill had a really hard time figuring things out though. It’s different for different people.”

“How do I know if I’ve never kissed anyone before?” Martha asked, voice uneven.

“I find that hard to believe,” Eddie said turning his head to look at her. Tears streamed down the side of her face. “It’s okay to not know. You’ll figure it out when you figure it out.”

“Sure,” she said quietly.

Eddie sat up and she followed. “Do you want me to help you?” Eddie asked. “Figure things out, I guess?”

Martha nodded.

“Okay,” Eddie said trying to think of what to say. “Why did you ever have a crush on me?”

“You’re cute,” Martha shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“My mom thinks I’m cute, Martha,” Eddie said. “Tell me more.”

She scrunched her brow and closed her eyes. “Because…because you were cute and nice,” she said. “I was talking to my friends about you and they thought I had a crush on you, even though I didn’t at the time. But they kept saying I did, and you were the only guy I talked to and who was really nice to me and I like talking to you and…somewhere along the way I started believing them.”

That sounded familiar. That sounded _really_ familiar. “Martha, I’m going to tell you a secret that only Richie knows. In middle school, I had a crush on Bev.”

“No, you didn’t,” Martha said.

Eddie nodded. “Yup. Or at least, I thought I did. She was pretty and nice and cool and I liked talking to her.” He paused. “Bev is my best friend, and never in a million years would I be attracted her to the way I am to Richie.”

“Talk to me about Richie.”

Eddie thought dreamily, and he must have made a funny wistful face because Martha giggled.

“Richie is… He’s the love of my life. I love the stupid bug-eyed glasses he has and the way his hair always falls in his face and those ugly shirts he wears. And I love the way he gets way too into movies and can debate for hours on the stupidest things like whether or not Kong is a fucking Christ metaphor, and I love how he gives everything his very best and is amazingly smart and tries not to give a shit what people think of him but is so sensitive and takes everything to heart and wants to be better. I love the way he’s going to love his kid, no matter what, even if he’s terrified because he’s Richie fucking Tozier, and he never backs down from anything.”

He stopped and Martha was watching him so intently. Eddie knew what he loved about Richie, but he never voiced it out loud like that. He stored it away in the back of his mind for their future wedding vows.

“I never thought anything like that about you,” Martha said. “I don’t think I’ve ever really had a real crush on a boy in my life. I –” She looked down, avoiding eye contact, and wiped her eyes.

“If you’re thinking it,” Eddie said, “you should say it out loud.”

“Eddie,” Martha said, “I think I’m gay.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie said. “It’s okay, and I love you, Martha.”

“I love you, too,” Martha said. “So, I’m like, your beard now?”

“My what?”

“Your beard,” Martha smiled. “You’re the experienced gay here. How do I know more than you?”

“Martha,” Eddie said, “please tell me what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“A beard is a g-gay woman who pretends to date a gay man to hide their gayness.”

“I guess you are,” Eddie said fondly. “And where would I be without you?”

Eddie and Richie had sex for the first time in early August. Sonia was supposed to be out of town for the weekend and Eddie invited Richie while they were battling over a game of Street Fighter. Richie ended up losing that round…horribly.

They drove to a convenience store way outside of town to get condoms and lube and it was one of the most uncomfortable things Eddie had ever had to do. Noah always had them, so Eddie never worried about it. But now he had to. The purchasing part wasn’t the worst of it, but it was the drive back to his place, completely silent until Richie put his truck in park in front of the house.

“Did it feel this weird with you and Katie?” Eddie asked before getting out.

“No,” Richie said, “but she never went with me to pick up condoms.”

“Then let’s pretend we didn’t do that,” Eddie said with newfound confidence. “Let’s pretend I invited you over for pizza and a movie with no promise of sex weighing the night down.”

When he thought about it before, it always scared the hell out of him. Crossing that line with Richie was a big step, and the only time it ever felt okay was when they were making out and Eddie was feeling him up. But when he sat down to think about it, like now, it was always this daunting thing that he wanted, but couldn’t quite process.

But now? Now he _really_ wanted it. And he was going to play his cards right to make sure Richie felt okay.

Which started with pizza and a movie. They ordered in and watched _The Princess Bride_ because it cool and had action and was funny, but also, they wouldn’t admit it, because they loved the romance of it all.

When the movie was over, they started making out on the couch, and the only thing Eddie could think about was his mom coming home early and catching them.

He kissed Richie and tried to put it away, tried to enjoy Richie’s hands all over him and the gross leftover taste of pizza on Richie’s mouth, but it wouldn’t disappear. Eddie had to stop. He was hyperventilating.

“Baby?” Richie asked when Eddie got off of Richie and stood up. “Hey, it’s okay.”

Richie pulled him back down to sit.

“I can’t,” Eddie said. “I can’t…my mom…she’s going to walk in, I know it.”

“Baby,” Richie comforted, “it’s just us. Your mom’s at your aunt’s house. She’s not catching us.”

“She planned this,” Eddie said. It was irrational. His brain didn’t care. “She planned this and was expecting me to have you over and catch us.”

“Let’s just – Let’s just go to your room,” Richie suggested. “Lay in bed. Relax.”

Eddie nodded. Richie’s voice was always so soothing when he went into this mode. Richie pressed a kiss into Eddie’s temple before leading him upstairs where they lied down in Eddie’s bed. Eddie curled up next to Richie, and Richie held him tight. They didn’t talk for a while.

Eddie was in awe of how much he loved Richie, of how good Richie made him feel. Richie was strong where Eddie was not, and Eddie hadn’t realized how deeply he had fallen until this moment. And he needed to make sure Richie knew how committed he was. Maybe he was being stupid and irrational and his immaturity was getting the better of him (although that last part sounded like something his mother would say), but he was in it for the long haul. It would take a lot for Eddie to want to leave Richie now.

He needed to make sure Richie knew that.

“I love you, Richie,” Eddie said trying to convey all of his meaning into that phrase.

“I love you, too, Eds,” Richie said rubbing Eddie’s back.

“No,” Eddie said, “I – I love you. I love you so much. More than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone.” He lifted himself up so he could look at Richie. “I love you, Richie. I really, really love you.”

“Eddie,” was all Richie could seem to say.

Eddie leaned down and kissed Richie softly, but with meaning, and it was the best kiss he and Richie had ever shared.

They had awkward sex that was weird and was still better than his best time with Noah, and fell asleep in each other arms.

Eddie didn’t know how it could get better, but somehow the next morning was. He woke up before Richie, able to watch him sleep for longer as Richie sleepily and unconsciously held tight around Eddie’s waist. Richie’s hair was a mess of dark curls cascading freely around his face and onto the pillow, and Eddie couldn’t help but brush one away so he could get a better look at Richie’s soft sleeping face as the sunlight poured in through the window, illuminating every feature that Eddie fell in love with.

Unfortunately, he was getting hungry. Eddie pried himself from Richie’s arm without waking him, and put on his shorts and Richie’s oversized flannel. Every second was better when Eddie pretended like this was their house and their future lives together.

Eddie started making pancakes because they were Richie’s favorite and that felt like the kind of breakfast you make when you have sex with someone for the first time. He got through making batter and had started frying them up when he heard Richie come down the stairs, followed by Richie’s arms slipping around Eddie’s waist and pressing a kiss into his neck.

“You look really cute like this,” Richie said moving a hand to run up and down Eddie’s thigh.

Richie started kissing the crook of Eddie’s neck, soft and slow at first before biting and gnawing at a spot. Eddie tried to ignore him so he wouldn’t burn the house down.

“Rich,” Eddie moaned. “I’m cooking.”

Richie unlatched from Eddie’s neck and stepped away from him. “That’s okay. Adding just one more mark to my man.”

Eddie thought fondly on the various hickeys he found on him when he showered last night, and then of the newest on his neck. _My man_. Eddie’s heart fluttered.

They ate breakfast with Eddie in Richie’s flannel and Richie in his sweatpants, his eyes roaming all over Eddie and Eddie taking in every second of it, and Eddie let himself pretend for a fleeting minute that they were living in whatever city they moved to after graduation, away from problems and whatever the fuck was wrong with Derry, away from responsibilities and horrible mothers and pregnant ex-girlfriends. It was just them, in love and happy.


	11. and when you go, don't return to me, my love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Mama" by My Chemical Romance (Eddie song hhh)
> 
> Also TW for a lot of homophobic language and homophobia in general, as well as talk about conversion therapy

As summer faded into fall, as school began again, the buzz of finally figuring out what the fuck to do after graduation became the talk amongst the seniors, and more specifically among the Losers, what very far away college they all planned on attending.

None of them wanted to stay in Derry, and none of them wanted to be separated from each other, but none of them seemed to want to go to the same place.

Sometime late in September, they planned a Saturday night to get together and write college entrance essays together. It was Mike’s idea, and everyone thought it was a good one except Richie who would have rather done anything else. They gathered at Bill’s house in his room, all of them spread out on the floor writing essay and bouncing ideas off of each other, while Richie lied on Bill’s bed, head hanging over the side upside down so that his glasses were falling off his face.

“Are you even planning on applying anywhere?” Eddie said as he procrastinated starting his essay for NYU.

“Maybe,” Richie said. “But I don’t know what the fuck’s gonna happen in the next few months.”

“Has Katie still not decided on keeping it or not?” Bev asked.

“She won’t tell me a fucking thing!” Richie threw his arms out and almost hit Eddie in the face. “How am I supposed to know what the fuck to do if I don’t even know if I’ll have kid to take care of after November?”

“You could apply anyway,” Stan suggested. “That way you’ll have the option.”

“Apply to NYU with me,” Eddie said. “You’d love New York.”

“I guess I could,” Richie said dejectedly.

“You guess?” Eddie said. “C’mon, Rich, you have to apply somewhere.”

“Why?” Richie said. “Don’t tell me all of you really want to keep going to school for four fucking more years. _At least_.”

Everyone looked around at each other for a second. It had never occurred to Eddie why he needed to go to school, it was always the plan. But he guessed that was the difference between how him and Richie pictured getting out of Derry. Eddie wanted to go the right way, and Richie was always ready to run at the drop of a hat. And besides, Eddie liked school. Richie didn’t.

“Not really,” Bev admitted, “but do you have a better way? I can’t just drop everything and move to California, Richie.”

“Why not?” Richie twisted around to his front, and got up on his knees. “Who the fuck says you can’t run off to Cali-fucking-fornia the minute we graduate?”

“As appealing as that sounds, Richard,” Bev said, “I do care about what my boyfriend has to say.”

“We can go to California,” Ben said with ease. “I’ll look up the application for UCLA.”

“But you want to go to MIT,” Bev said.

“UCLA’s a good school too,” Ben said. “And California seems a hell of a lot more interesting than Massachusetts.”

They smiled at each other and Richie blew a raspberry at them. “Get a fucking room.”

Bev took one of the many crumpled pieces of paper scattered on the floor at threw it at Richie, hitting him square on the forehead.

“What do you guys think of University of Michigan?” Bill spoke up.

“What are you thinking, Billy?” Bev asked.

“Creative writing,” Bill said shyly.

“You write?” Eddie said.

“Very well,” Mike said. “You guys should read some of the stuff he’s written.” Mike smiled broadly at Bill who turned red.

Bill shrugged. “I g-guess it’s g-g-good. But I want to get b-b-better at it. And U of M has a good program.”

“Yeah,” Richie said, “but what the fuck’s Michigan got to offer? Wasn’t it voted the most boring state ever?”

“I thought that was Nebraska,” Bev said.

“Colombia’s got a good program too,” Bill offered.

“Apply to both,” Stan said. “Go wherever gives you the biggest scholarship.”

Bill nodded and went on drafting his essays.

 _Scholarships._ Fuck, Eddie thought. When he was researching schools, and decided that he was really interested in NYU, he never thought about the cost of going there, or anywhere in fact. The only dream he had was getting out of Derry, but if he couldn’t afford it, then it wouldn’t matter where he got in.

He wasn’t sure of the exact numbers, but he knew NYU wasn’t cheap, and neither was living in the city. Unless he got a full scholarship, the idea of him going there was an unlikely possibility that his mother would never go for. And a full scholarship was questionable at best. He had good grades, but they weren’t perfect, and his SAT score was perfectly average. But he couldn’t imagine not going there. He couldn’t imagine not getting out of Derry.

“There’s always Eastern to fall back on,” Mike said, whose parents had convinced him that he should go there for at least the first year.

“You can always come visit,” Bill said. “I’ll sneak you into my dorm, hide you from my roommate, sm-m-muggle food from the dining hall to feed you.”

“Sounds more like a dog than a boyfriend,” Stan said.

“You’re just jealous,” Bill said.

“He doesn’t need to be,” Richie said. “He knows it’s only a matter of time before he realizes he’s madly in love with me and comes in like the homewrecker he is.”

“Once I find a way to kill Eddie without consequences,” Stan said, “we can begin our life anew. The birdwatcher and the comedian.” He moved his hand in front of him as if he was picturing the marquee letters.

“You know what?” Eddie said. “I’d break up with Richie right now to see that movie.”

“At last!” Richie said. “Me and my Stanny can finally be together! Be still my beating heart.”

“Nope,” Stan said. “Changed my mind. Without the thrill of Eddie catching us, it’s no longer worth it, or uh, how would you say it, Dick? ‘Twas the thrill that got me hard?”

“Boo,” Richie said. He leaned over the bed to where Eddie was propped against it and pressed wet kiss into his cheek. “Guess it’s still you and me, baby.”

“Lucky me.” Eddie rolled his eyes with a smile playing at his lips.

They spent the next hour or so finishing essays to various schools, although each person had their top choice. Eddie was vying for NYU, Bill for U of M, Stan wanted to go to University of Illinois, and Ben had made the decision to apply to Stanford, which Bev said she would follow him to if he got in. (“It’s not L.A. or San Francisco, but it’s still California.”)

Mike knew he was going to Eastern, and Richie didn’t apply anywhere.

Sometime around 9:30, Eddie had to pack up and leave to get home before curfew, and Richie went to walk him home.

“So, NYU, huh?” Richie said when they got outside.

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie said. “I’m not sure yet, but I think I want to do something with medicine.”

“Like a doctor,” Richie said.

“No,” Eddie said. “I always hated doctors. Maybe…maybe a nurse, or a pediatrician if I was a doctor.”

“You’d be a good doctor,” Richie said subdued. He meant it, but something in his tone was wrong.

“Everything okay, Richie?” Eddie asked point blank.

“Yeah,” Richie lied. “It’s just…a lot with everyone applying and whatever.” He shrugged. “Everyone’s going to leave, and we won’t have…this.”

Richie was never hard to read. It was always easy to tell when he was upset, but it was always a mystery as to why. Richie didn’t like talking about his feelings, that was for certain, but even with Eddie he kept them inside, and it drove Eddie crazy sometimes that Richie wouldn’t just say what he was thinking. He hated having to pry it out of him.

“Richie,” Eddie said. “If you had the choice, money doesn’t matter and responsibilities don’t matter, what happens after graduation?”

“I…” Richie started. “We move to California. L.A. specifically. You can go to school or whatever makes you happy, and I become a famous comedian.”

“What about the others?”

“Th-they’re there too. We all move there, and we never leave each other…and we’re all happy.”

Eddie threw caution to the wind and took Richie’s hand. Richie didn’t pull away, although Eddie felt him grow tense.

“I really want to go to New York,” Eddie said. “In my dream, you want to go too. And you’re a famous comedian and you get on SNL within a year of us moving there and you’re the fan favorite. I become a nurse or something, and I tell all my patients about my famous boyfriend who’s on TV. And they all think it’s cool because they’ve all seen you and love you.”

“I do want to go with you,” Richie said quietly. He didn’t say anything for a second after that and Eddie realized he was crying. “What am I doing, Eddie? What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t fucking abandon Katie and my kid, but I can’t stay. I can’t fucking stay here. And I can’t lose you either. I want to go to New York with you so fucking bad and I can’t.”

Eddie pulled him into a hug as Richie sobbed into his neck. Eddie wished they weren’t standing on the sidewalk where anyone could see them. He didn’t want Richie to have to deal with that too.

All Eddie wanted was to wipe away all of Richie’s problems and whisk him away to New York with him. But Eddie wasn’t even sure if he could go at all.

Richie pulled away and wiped his eyes. “Enough sappy bullshit,” he said taking Eddie’s hand again. “Let’s get you home before Mrs. K has a fucking aneurysm or some shit.”

They got to Eddie’s house and before going in, Eddie said, “You know I’d take you to the ends of the earth with me, Richie.”

“And I’d follow you, Eddie,” Richie said.

Eddie looked around at all the houses, a few with lights on but no one in the windows, up and down the street and saw no cars, and it was dark. He checked his house one last time and didn’t see his mother in the window, but instead the news playing on the TV. He looked back at Richie.

“No one’s looking, Eds,” Richie said softly.

Eddie stood on his toes and kissed Richie, only a second, nothing more or else they’d risk someone seeing.

“Are you coming over later?” Eddie asked.

“Like I have anywhere better to be,” Richie smiled.

Eddie went inside and up to his room to wait for Richie.

It was nearly midnight by the time Richie came by. 

Which gave Eddie plenty of time to think about how strange his mother had been acting as soon as he walked in the door. She didn’t greet him, only acknowledging him when he said good night, and then she didn’t go to bed for another hour after that. The only reason she stayed up this late, even on the weekends, was to make sure that Eddie got home before curfew, and then she would go straight to bed.

The TV didn’t turn off until almost 11, and Eddie could have sworn he heard her talking to someone the entire time.

Eddie went into a brief panic, thinking that maybe she had seen him kiss Richie outside, but that couldn’t have been it. She would have bounded outside in her nightgown and slippers to break them apart and drag Eddie into the house. She wouldn’t have sat by and let it happen. That couldn’t have been it.

Richie knocked on the window, Eddie forgetting that he had locked it as the nights grew colder. He got up to unlock the window and opened it. Richie’s wide grin was all Eddie could see as Richie leaned up for a kiss and to climb inside.

The bedroom door opened.

Richie, who was only halfway in, slipped backwards, and Eddie watched in slow motion as Richie fell to the yard, landing on something that made a loud crack.

Eddie heard Richie say the faintest, “Fuck, that bites,” as he lay on the grass.

Eddie turned to see his mother standing in the doorway. She was livid, her teeth clenched and her face going red.

“I knew it!” she said. “I knew there was something fishy happening here.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, and pushed passed her, ignoring her calling his name as he went downstairs and out to the backyard. Richie was a heap on the ground and wasn’t moving, and Eddie could see that he snapped his left ankle.

Eddie crouched beside him. “You okay?”

“Do I look okay?” Richie said. He propped himself up on his elbows. “What the fuck was that?”

Sonia stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. “I want him off my property.”

“He can’t walk,” Eddie said shoving an arm under Richie to help him up. “Let’s get you inside.”

“He is _not_ coming into my house,” Sonia repeated.

“He can’t walk,” Eddie said. “I need to call his parents to come get him.”

“Whoa,” Richie said trying to get away from Eddie’s support. He balanced on his good leg. “I can walk, see? I’m fine.” He tried to step on his left foot and collapsed. “I’m fine, Eddie.”

“You’re gonna get in trouble,” Eddie said, “get over it.”

Eddie was tired of theatrics right now. His mother wouldn’t let Richie into the house despite him needed medical attention. And he knew Richie didn’t want to get in trouble, but he would have to deal with it, and Richie must have understood Eddie’s mood because he shut up really quick after that.

Eddie didn’t really have time for Richie to bitch and moan about his loving parents who would ground him for a week and love him anyway when his own mother was standing here, ready to blame Richie for everything and then send Eddie away, _not_ for sneaking someone in, but because it was Richie, because it was a boy.

Maybe it was cruel, but Eddie wanted Richie to shut the fuck up for once.

“He can’t walk,” Eddie said again to Sonia. “I’m calling his parents and they’ll come get him and then he’ll be gone.” He kept his composure and she let him inside while Richie stayed out on the lawn.

Sonia didn’t move from the doorway and watching Richie, while Eddie called the Toziers.

Maggie was sympathetic over the phone, promising that she would be there in a minute, and to get Richie out front.

Eddie managed to do that. Richie was compliant and tried his best not to complain as Eddie helped him around to the front of the house, setting him down on the lawn out there, Sonia keeping an eye on them the entire time.

“I’m sorry, Eds,” Richie said when Eddie sat next to him.

“For what?” Eddie asked.

Richie shrugged. “For not being quieter.”

Eddie shook his head. “She saw us. I know she did. This was bound to happen eventually.”

“Then I shouldn’t have snuck in so much,” Richie said.

“This isn’t your fault, Richie,” Eddie said. 

Went’s car pulled up.

“Please don’t ever think this is your fault, Richie.”

Eddie helped Richie up as Maggie got out of the passenger seat. Richie didn’t look at her.

“We will talk about this later, Richie,” she said to him. “Sneaking out? You’re going to be grounded for at least a week.” She looked like she had more to say but the sight of Sonia standing on the front porch caught her eye. She went up to her, leaving Eddie to help Richie in the car, while Went stayed glued in the driver’s seat.

Eddie sat Richie in the back seat, helping him prop his leg up.

“You know, Rich,” Went said not looking at him, “this is pretty juvenile, even for you. You know there’s a reason why Eddie can’t sleep over and you go behind our backs to sneak out and see him anyway.”

“Sorry, Dad,” Richie mumbled.

Went got out of the car and looked over the top to Eddie, motioning for him to come around to the other side. Eddie did that, and Went put both hands on Eddie’s shoulders, looking him straight in the eye.

“Look, Eddie,” Went said, “I know I’m not your dad, but I think you need some fatherly advice. Some things are worth waiting for. I know you and Richie are in love, but sometimes you need to wait things out. You have a year left of school and then you boys will be out running the world. And you will be happy together…out there.” He paused lost in thought. “The worst mistake I ever made as a father was buying a house in Derry because now my son thinks there’s something wrong with him because the assholes in this town made him think that. And maybe I did a little too.”

He took a long pause there and Eddie could faintly hear Maggie arguing with Sonia, and it didn’t sound good.

“Mr. Tozier?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Eddie,” Went said. “Don’t let her convince you there is.” He slapped Eddie’s shoulders one last time before getting back in the car.

Eddie stood there for only a second before Maggie’s voice rang out loud and clear.

“Don’t you dare talk about my son like that ever again!”

Eddie met her on the other side of the car.

“Eddie, sweetie,” she said with such tenderness, “if there’s anything, _anything_ , at all you need, you can come talk to me. Okay?”

Eddie nodded. “Okay.”

She looked at him and said, “C’mere,” and pulled him into a hug. It lasted only a second and Eddie missed her arms around him as soon as she let go.

They drove off and Eddie watched the car disappear into the night. He finally returned to the house where his mother had already gone back inside. She wasn’t anywhere to be found. Not in the kitchen on the phone. Not in the living room sitting and waiting. Not in the bathroom getting ready for bed.

Her bedroom door was closed. It never was. Even when she was sleeping, she left it open a crack, an old habit from when Eddie was younger that never died. But it was latched shut.

Eddie knocked warily.

“Ma?” he called.

No answer.

“Ma, I know you’re in there.”

A soft sobbing came through.

“Mom, come talk to me.”

The sobbing grew louder.

“Mommy? I’m sorry.”

The sobbing stopped. Eddie waited. He waited for a long time, much longer than he would care to admit. He sat down at the foot of her door and waited, drifting off into sleep at some point, waking up and checking his watch to see that it had become 2:37.

He went to bed.

Sonia’s door stayed closed the next morning before Eddie left around noon after deciding it wasn’t worth waiting for her to get up to talk to him. He wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to say. He wasn’t sure what she would say. All he knew is that he wanted to talk to his mother. He wanted her to say one way or another whether or not she still loved him, because even if it was bad, even if it she told him she hated him, it would be over. The waiting would be over.

Eddie found himself at Bev’s because she was the easiest person to talk to about this. He told her what happened the night before and she listened intently with nothing but sympathy.

“So, you haven’t even talked to her yet?” Bev asked when he was done.

“She won’t talk to me,” Eddie said. “I was ready for yelling or lecturing or whatever the fuck, but I didn’t think she would just…forget about me.”

“I always thought it was easier that way,” Bev said offhandedly.

“But you know me,” Eddie said sarcastically. “I’ve always been a Mama’s boy.” He paused. “I feel like I should be apologizing or some shit.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Bev said.

“I snuck someone in the house,” Eddie said. “That sounds like breaking the rules to me.”

“Yeah, but…she should be grounding you, or whatever, not…this.”

“What did your dad do? When he was mad at you?”

Bev shrugged. “Usually made me feel bad about my mom dying.”

“What was she like?” Eddie asked carefully. “Your mom? You never talk about her.”

“Cause I don’t know a fucking thing about her,” Bev stated. “Other than I look like her.”

“I don’t know anything about my dad either, other than what I barely remember,” Eddie said. “My mom refuses to talk about him.”

“Sounds about right,” Bev said. “If you don’t know anything about him, you have nothing to compare to.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t deserve this, Eddie,” Bev said taking his hands. “You don’t deserve the shit she makes you think. It took me way too fucking long to realize it, but we didn’t deserve it. She’s your mom and she’s supposed make you feel safe, but you’re scared that you did something wrong when all you did was accept that you’re gay.” Bev had tears in her eyes and Eddie felt bad for not feeling that emotional over this.

“Then why do I feel so lousy?” Eddie asked. “I hate her, but…I don’t. I can’t hate her. Do you hate your dad, Bevvie?”

“I think that’s the worst of it,” Bev said. “I don’t. I love him. And that’s why it was hard. But you aren’t supposed to be scared of your parents. Are you scared of her, Eddie?”

He thought about last Christmas and the conversation that haunted his dreams every night since.

“Terrified.”

Eddie went home much later. The weather was starting to get cloudy, and it was getting dark. He went home to avoid the thunderstorm that was threatening to strike soon.

That was a mistake.

His mother was sitting in her usual spot in front of the TV and didn’t spare him a glance when he came in. He greeted her and she kept her eyes glued to the TV. He asked why she wouldn’t talked to him and she kept her eyes glued to the TV. He said that they should talk, that this wasn’t good for them, that he missed her and wanted to talk, and she kept her eyes glued to the TV.

He went upstairs when it was clear she wasn’t going to answer. On his bed was something new, but something he recognized. On his bed was the brochure that he found back in December for the place to make him better.

He grabbed the it and stormed downstairs.

“What is this?” Eddie asked even though he knew the answer.

Sonia finally turned to look at him. “A place for boys like you,” she said calmly. “It’s not your fault that Tozier boy infected you. This place will make you better again.”

“I’m not sick,” Eddie said. “I’m not…infected.”

“He’s made you believe that, hasn’t he?” Sonia said. “I know this is too much for me, and maybe it’s a boy’s natural disdain for his mother, but this place _will_ make you better. I promise, honey.”

“I’m not going.”

“I don’t believe I asked you.”

“I’m not going.”

“Edward,” Sonia said standing up. “As long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules. I was not asking. You _will_ go, and you _will_ get better.”

She loved him. She loved him so much she was willing to send him away and make him _better_ again. As if this version of him was not the best version of him. As if she couldn’t bear to look at him anymore because he was so wrong.

He didn’t grace her with an answer, and walked out the door.

It had started raining, pouring, and Eddie thought he should grab an umbrella, but he had already shut the front door and it would ruin his exit. He didn’t think he could walk back in if he tried anyway.

And besides, one step outside and he was already soaked.

He went to the one place he knew he could go, the one place that would take him no matter the time of day, the only place he ever felt truly safe.

Maggie answered the door to a dripping, soaking wet Eddie.

“Oh, my!” she said bringing him in. “Stay here, I’ll get you a towel.”

She brought him a towel and asked what happened.

“You said I could come to for anything, right?” Eddie said, tears stinging his eyes. He felt a few run down his face and hoped Maggie couldn’t tell the difference between them and the drops of water running from his hair. He handed her the brochure that he still had clutched in his hand.

She flipped through it. “Does she…want to send you here?”

Eddie nodded and he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I don’t want to go,” he sobbed. “I can’t go there. Please, don’t make me go.”

Maggie hugged him, and Eddie felt bad knowing her clothes were getting wet.

“C’mon, sweetie,” she said pulling away. “Let’s get you sitting down with some hot tea.”

She sat him at the kitchen table, made him some tea, and sat with him at the table.

“What do you propose I do about this?” Maggie asked carefully.

“I – I don’t know,” Eddie said. “Stop her.”

“I don’t think I can do that,” Maggie said. “I’m not really her favorite person right now considering my son ‘infected you’.”

“Then what do I do?” Eddie pleaded.

Maggie studied his face as the gears of sympathy turned behind her eyes. “One second.” She got up and left the kitchen, leaving Eddie alone with his tea.

A minute later, she returned with Went and took her seat at the table. Went stayed standing.

“If you would like,” Maggie said, “we think it would be a good idea if you came to live here.”

Eddie shook his head. “I – I can’t do that to you. I can – I can take care of myself just fine.”

“Sweetie,” Maggie said placing a hand on the side of Eddie’s head, “I’m going to say this in the nicest way possible, but no, you can’t. Please don’t think of it as imposing. We want to help you.”

Eddie looked between the two of them. He often considered them more as his parents than his own mother sometimes, but that didn’t mean he ever felt like he was obligated to anything they had to give him. He wasn’t their son, only their son’s boyfriend. He didn’t deserve what they were offering. What had he ever given the Toziers that would warrant them open their home like this? _He wasn’t their son_. But they wanted to help him.

“What do I tell my mom?” Eddie said.

“Nothing,” Went said.

“Whatever you think you need to,” Maggie corrected. “And if that’s nothing, then you don’t tell her anything. She doesn’t deserve a son like you. Not after what she said last night.”

“What did she say?” Eddie said, curiosity spiking.

“Nothing important,” Maggie said. She looked at Eddie and decided again. “The words she used…against Richie…against you. Dirty and diseased. And the way she said he infected you, as though it was his fault you weren’t the son she wanted. That’s her fault, not yours. She’s the one who’s supposed to love you no matter what.”

Eddie thought he was done crying, or so he hoped. “Can, um, is Richie home? I wanna talk to him.”

Went was going to get him from upstairs, but Maggie decided to send Eddie up instead so that she and Went could talk in private.

Eddie hesitated outside of Richie’s door. He knew that Richie was in there, and would jump to comfort Eddie in a heartbeat, but something inside Eddie screamed that he should be doing things alone, that the comfort and help he was receiving was not his, that he had done something bad and was guilty and didn’t deserve what he was receiving.

Eddie knocked and went in when Richie said to.

Richie was lounging on his bed reading a comic book, his left foot propped on a few pillows in a cast. If Eddie wasn’t in such a bad mood, he would have thought it was cute the way Richie’s toes poked out of the end of the cast.

Richie sat up. “Eddie, what are you – You’re fucking soaked.”

“Your parents let me in,” Eddie said tonelessly. He went to Richie’s dresser where he knew he kept an extra pair of shorts just in case. He changed into them, mindlessly changed into one of Richie’s shirts, and then got in bed with Richie, curling up next to him with his head on his chest.

“You know I’m grounded, right?” Richie said like he was trying to make a joke but didn’t have the energy. “No friends over.”

“Your parents know I’m special,” Eddie said.

“That’s for sure,” Richie said. “What happened?”

“She wants to send me away,” Eddie said. “A place that will cure me, like I’m fucking diseased or something.”

“Cure you?” Richie asked. “Like, make you not gay?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “They teach you about Jesus and why you suck for being gay, and maybe even fucking lobotomize you if you’re a shitty case.”

“She can’t make you go, can she?” Richie’s voice cracked.

“Not anymore.”

The slow, smooth sound of Richie’s heartbeat was a reminder of how safe Eddie was. Richie wouldn’t let anything or anyone hurt Eddie, not now, not ever. Eddie held him tighter as though he was afraid Richie was going to disappear in the blink of an eye.

There was a knock at the door and Richie’s parents came in. Eddie didn’t want to, but he sat up to hear what they had to say.

“I’m sure he told you everything,” Maggie said to Richie.

“Eddie’s going to be staying here for a while,” Went said.

Richie didn’t seem at all surprised, even though Eddie didn’t get around to mentioning it. “Right.”

“Your father and I decided,” Maggie said, “that Eddie is allowed to sleep up here with you…if he chooses to.”

“Seriously?” Richie asked.

“We know you’re both mature,” Went said as though it was a lecture and not a true statement, “and know that if we find out there’s any funny business going on, one of you, probably Rich, gets moved to the couch.”

“Why me?” Richie said as a reflex.

“Because we like Eddie better,” Went said.

Eddie gave a soft smile at that, while still not understanding their generosity. He would have to figure it out later when he wasn’t so bent out of shape.

“You boys get some rest,” Maggie said. “We’ll call you down for dinner when it’s ready.”

And with that they left the room.

“You heard them, Eds,” Richie said leaning back. “No funny business.”

Eddie tried to keep smiling, but somehow his eyes filled with tears again. He lied back down on Richie, and Richie held him close, and they stayed like that, pressed together, not saying a word, until dinner was ready an hour later.

With fall also came track season. Eddie’s last track season. He had been looking forward to it all summer, but now it was a drag. He started dreading practice, and came in last place for each event during their first meet. His coach was more than upset that his star athlete was slacking, and made him run two extra miles and twenty extra sprints the next practice. Or at least he planned on it, but Eddie stopped showing up to practice after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the Michigan is boring stuff, it's okay, I'm from Michigan lol and I can vouch that it's super boring living here


	12. life makes love look hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Ours" by Taylor Swift 
> 
> (okay this song is also reddie af like "seems like there's always someone who disapproves" and "ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me" and "the stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is ours" like fcku)
> 
> TW: memory of slight non-con stuff (it's super vague and mostly miscommunication) in the bathroom scene

Eddie liked living at Richie’s house, he really did, but as the days went on, there was an inescapable feeling of dread that kept washing over him every time he went to sleep in Richie’s bed and every time Maggie made him breakfast and every time Went called him “son” and every time Jeopardy came on the TV.

He had started going stir crazy after he quit track. He had decided he didn’t need it anymore if he wasn’t going to keep up with it when he went to college. He still tried to run just to get the energy out, but he quickly grew tired of it, bored of the tedious nature of running around the block. Richie said that Eddie had started kicking in his sleep, not every night, but enough nights to notice a difference, and Eddie wrote it off to this restless energy, choosing to not say anything about his constant nightmares that forced him to keep reliving the night his mother walked into his room to catch him and Richie.

Eddie liked living at Richie’s, but he never thought he would miss his mother this much.

He was sat out back behind the school with Bev who was smoking a cigarette. When Eddie was still attempting to keep up with track, this was where Richie would wait for Eddie to get done with practice, him and Bev hanging out and smoking and shooting the shit. After Eddie quit track, he started joining them. Richie had detention today.

They had sat in silence for a while, unsure of where to begin. Eddie had grown distant from everyone besides Richie these past few weeks. He knew it was bad, but Richie had become his life support. He clung to Richie like the overly dependent child he had become.

“You know, Eddie,” Bev said. “I get that you’re going through shit, but you’ve kind of become an asshole.”

Eddie didn’t say anything. It was true.

“Talk to me,” Bev said. “Tell me the shit you can’t tell anyone else…You know, like you used to.”

“When you moved in with your aunt,” Eddie started, “was it this bad? Did you…miss your dad?”

“Every fucking day,” Bev said and took a drag on her cigarette.

Eddie’s leg started bouncing uncontrollably. He took a long look at the cigarette in Bev’s hand and then nodded at it. “Could I try?”

She handed it over. “Thought they were cancer sticks.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, “but maybe I need a little cancer.” He brought it up to his mouth and hesitated only a second before trying it. He barely breathed in before the smoke got caught in his throat and he started coughing.

Bev laughed. “Easy, tiger. Not as easy to get cancer as you thought, is it?”

“Shut up,” Eddie said, eyes watering, throat burning. He tried again and did it properly this time. He passed the cigarette back to her. He didn’t think he liked it, but he got the appeal.

“So, what?” Bev asked. “You miss your mom, then?”

“I feel like it’s my fault,” Eddie said. “Like I’m the one who did something wrong and it’s all my fault that she’s all alone.”

“I used to think that too,” Bev said. “I used to think that if I had done something differently, or maybe there was something else I could have said, maybe things wouldn’t have ended the way that they did.” She paused and took a pull. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Eddie. Nothing I did would have changed anything. And the same goes for you. Your mom would have gotten disappointed in you one way or another, whether she found out about you and Richie, or because you left Derry to go to school, or because you want to be a fucking nurse and _expose yourself to disease_. And none of it’s your fault.”

“Then why do I feel so lousy?” Eddie said.

“Because your mom sucks,” Bev said.

“How poetic,” Eddie said glumly.

“I’m not going to lie to you, sweetie,” Bev said, “but it’s going to take a long time before you start feeling good again. I haven’t lived with my dad in over four years, and sometimes I still feel like he hurt me all over again. You have to find people that love you and run with it.” She took his hand and interlaced their fingers together. “We love you, Eddie. You don’t have to just rely on Richie for that. You know that right?”

“I love you, too, Bevvie,” Eddie said.

Bev settled her head against Eddie’s shoulder. “Okay, I wanna talk about me now.”

“Yeah?” Eddie said. “What’s the hot news in Beverly’s life?”

“How long before you think you should start having sex?”

“Uh, however long you and the other person decide,” Eddie said. “There’s no set time limit. Why? Are you getting weird about it?”

“I dunno,” Bev said. “Feels like we’re taking too long. Like you and Richie fell into it so easily and sometimes I feel like me and Ben aren’t on your level.”

“But you love him, right?” Eddie said.

“Of course, I do,” Bev said. “It’s just hard to watch you and Richie be so perfect when it feels like so much work on my end.”

Did he and Richie really seem perfect to other people? Because it sure as hell didn’t feel that way. Of course, he loved Richie and they felt right together, but getting Richie to talk about anything other than dirty jokes was like pulling teeth, and Richie had a lot of teeth to pull. Eddie would admit that he had his own problems that seemed like everything right now, so maybe Richie didn’t want to intrude on that, make Eddie feel worse than he already did, but Richie must know that he could come to Eddie with anything. 

“Perfect?” Eddie said. “Is that how it looks? Richie wouldn’t tell me a fucking thing if I didn’t ask him. Did you know that Richie dreams of living in L.A.? Or that he’d give that up to follow me to New York? Because I fucking didn’t until I asked.”

“And I’m sure you’re no peaches and cream either,” Bev said.

“Right,” Eddie said. “I’m way too fucking dependent on Richie, that’s for sure. And sometimes I think I expect too much of him.” He paused. “The point is, Bevvie, is that you’re fine. You and Ben are great for each other and you’re fine going however fast or slow you need to go.”

They didn’t say anything while Bev finished her cigarette. She put it out on the ground, and as she did, Richie strolled up to the two of them, or rather, hobbled over with his crutches.

“I fucking hate detention,” Richie said sitting down on the other side of Bev. “I’m not even gonna need this shit. Why do I still have to go to school?”

“Because, sweetheart,” Eddie said, “how will you convince your daughter to finish high school if her daddy is a dropout?” He finished with a tone of ribbing, knowing Richie had been pissed off lately about Katie and her parents.

“Fuck off,” Richie said. “I hate it when you’re right.”

Bev, who was still holding Eddie’s hand, took Richie’s hand too. “I noticed Katie hasn’t been to school in a week.”

“Fucking that,” Richie said. “I called her, I swear. Her fucking dad keeps saying ‘she’s fine, she’s fine’ but how the fuck am I supposed to know that if I don’t know what’s going on? She’s having my kid in like, two weeks and I want to know what the fuck is wrong with her. Is that too much to ask?”

“Should’ve married her when you had the chance,” Eddie said.

“Right?” Richie agreed. “I don’t even know if she’s keeping it still.”

“I thought her parents said she was,” Bev said. “My aunt saw them in Bangor picking up a crib last weekend.”

“God, I need a smoke,” Richie said making no effort to get a cigarette. “But I won’t,” he added quickly.

“I’m not gonna rat you out, Rich,” Eddie said remembering a few weeks ago when Maggie casually left some printouts of the risks of secondhand smoking on infants on Richie’s bed. “Pinky promise I won’t tell your mom.”

“Won’t tell his mom what?” Ben came walking up.

“That I stole your girlfriend,” Richie said holding up his and Bev’s hand. “Eds did too.”

Bev laughed. “Sorry, honey. I’ve been stolen.”

“And you vill never get her back,” Richie said with a vampire accent.

“Unfortunately for you, Trashmouth,” Ben said, “I’ve got a wooden stake in my backpack. Better sleep with one eye open.”

Richie jumped up (shakily got up and stood on one leg) and put an arm over his face as though he was wearing a cape that would hide his face, using the other arm to brace himself on the wall. “You vin this round, Haystack. But bevare! She vill be mine!”

Eddie stood up, bringing Bev with him and still holding her hand. “Alright, Vlad, that’s enough.”

Richie removed his imaginary cape away from his face and hissed.

“Vlad, my one true love,” Bev said. “We will be together one day, but alas, I must go. My heart belongs Ben, but my soul belongs to you. One day…” She reached her arm out so that she was just barely grazing his chin with her fingers.

“Beverly,” Richie said, still keeping the accent which was objectively horrible, “I vill let you leave today vith the promise of tomorrow.” He took her hand and kissed it. “So long, my love.”

Bev started walking away and Ben with her. “So long, Vlad.” She blew Richie a kiss goodbye before she linked arms with Ben.

“Do I have to keep an eye on you?” Eddie asked playfully.

“Don’t worry, baby,” Richie said in his normal voice. “I only have eyes for you.” Richie went to prove it by backing Eddie up to the wall and ducking his head like he was going to kiss him, but stopping at the last second.

Eddie let out a whine that was slightly embarrassing. 

“Bet you thought I was going to kiss you,” Richie said, voice low.

“Why would I think that?” Eddie asked.

“Your friend in your pants seems to have an answer,” Richie said pushing his leg between Eddie’s.

“Just kiss me, Dick,” Eddie said pulling Richie in by his shirt, unable to take anymore teasing. Richie kissed him deeply, pushing his entire body against Eddie, pressing him into the wall, although it could have been Richie trying to hold himself up, too. It didn’t matter to Eddie because it meant that Richie’s body would be pressed against his.

It was only a couple seconds before Richie pulled away, but Eddie had a hard time finding his breath.

“You know,” Eddie said, “Bev thinks we’re like, the perfect couple or something.”

“That’s cause we are,” Richie said reaching around and grabbing Eddie’s ass.

“I don’t know,” Eddie said. “Our friends are in some pretty good relationships right now.”

“Maybe.” Richie cocked his head. “But let’s think about this logistically.” He gave Eddie a quick kiss. “ _We_ have been in love since the dawn of time practically.”

“I feel like you’re exaggerating,” Eddie said, fingers snaking into Richie’s hair.

Richie kissed Eddie’s nose. “Fine,” he said. “We’ve been in love since the day we met or whatever non-exaggerated answer you want.” He kissed Eddie’s face, slowly, working his way to Eddie’s ear. “So, we’ve been in love forever and they only fell in love recently. That’s a point for us.” He nibbled at Eddie’s earlobe.

“Yeah?” Eddie said trying not to melt under Richie. “What else is so great about us?”

“There wasn’t any bullshit when it was time for us to get together,” Richie said. He kissed under Eddie’s ear, the base of his neck. “We got together after a week of flirting. Straightforward confessions. No bullshit like the others.”

Richie kissed his way down Eddie’s neck, picking a spot to kiss and eventually gnaw on. Eddie let out a sound that he knew Richie liked, a sound he didn’t usually try to hide because it got Richie hard fast. But they were behind the school, and Eddie clamped his mouth shut.

Richie pulled back. “And those sounds,” he said. “There’s no way our friends are making noises like that.”

Eddie pulled Richie in to kiss him, slipping his tongue in, tasting the gum that Richie had been chewing all day. Their mouths moved so in sync at this point, Eddie barely had to try to make Richie kiss him how he liked, or to kiss Richie how he liked. One of Richie’s hands ran its way up Eddie’s side while Eddie never got tired of messing up Richie’s hair.

Richie broke the kiss too soon. “What are we at? Three points?” Richie asked.

“Are we really keeping track?” Eddie whined.

“Let’s say five,” Richie said. He kissed Eddie. “The only point they all get is for being the more attractive couples.”

Richie went to go in for another kiss, but Eddie put a hand to his mouth to stop him.

“What?” Eddie said.

“I mean,” Richie backtracked, “not you! You’re super hot and stuff! Like, the hottest person I know, but I mean, I’m…not…hot. Not like our friends are…is all I was saying.” He took a step back and grabbed his crutches to hold himself up. “Like, comparatively, you’re super out of my league, but our friends are pretty on par with each other.”

Eddie thought of every time he got lost in Richie’s eyes, or the countless times he tried to count his freckles, or how the light wove its way through Richie’s curls making them seem so soft and touchable. He thought about Richie’s lips and how every day he found himself staring and debating how to kiss him senseless later. He thought about Richie’s long, slim body. Gangly, he and everyone else would say. Gumby was another one. But he loved every inch of Richie’s long, long legs and strong arms and big hands that were rough to the touch but soft in every other way.

And yet, here Richie was claiming he wasn’t as attractive as anyone else around him, like Eddie, someone Richie said was the hottest person he knew, wasn’t head over heels for him. Madly in love.

“Do you…really think that about yourself?” Eddie asked.

Richie shrugged. “I know I’m not that attractive. It’s fine. I – I’m used to it now.”

“You’re so beautiful,” Eddie said, the words pouring out his mouth before he even had time to think that Richie might not believe him. “You are so hot and sexy and gorgeous. Sometimes I just look at you because I think you’re so attractive. Because you are.”

Tears started forming in Richie’s eyes. “Don’t, Eddie. Let’s just go home before Mom and Dad start getting worried about us.”

Richie started walking away, and Eddie had no choice but to follow him, a new purpose filling the emptiness in his life: make Richie believe he’s beautiful.

The next day, Eddie drafted a long letter to Richie outlining everything he loved about him from his hair to his legs to his lips, all the way down to his big glasses and awful taste in clothes. Eddie never admitted it out loud before, but he loved Richie’s clothes, as shitty as they were too look at, because they were so _Richie_ , and they made him that much more beautiful, and Richie needed to know that.

He tucked it into Richie’s backpack before school, unsure of when Richie would find it, but wanting him to be surprised when he did.

But Richie ended up surprising Eddie at lunch when he pulled him into the bathroom and into one of the stalls, pushing Eddie against the door and kissing him furiously. Eddie had to assume that Richie found the note.

Richie pulled back only enough to break the kiss, resting his forehead against Eddie’s. “It’s all true, right? You didn’t pull any of that out of your ass?”

“Why would I lie to you?” Eddie said. “Why would I even be with you if I didn’t think all those things about you? You’re beautiful, Richie. You’re beautiful.”

Richie kissed Eddie again, softer, slower this time, working his hands down Eddie’s body. Eddie wondered how they had never made out in the bathroom before, the thrill of getting caught coursing through his body as he pulled Richie closer. Sometimes they would sneak in here for a quick kiss, nothing longer than a second or two, but this was new.

Except it wasn’t. This wasn’t new at all for Eddie.

Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe, the memory of someone much larger than Richie pushing him against the door, someone ignoring Eddie hyperventilating and panicking for the purpose of getting off, someone that Eddie didn’t realize was bad until he had Richie.

He shoved Richie off him.

Richie held his hands up in defense. “Hey, it’s okay, baby.” He ventured a gentle hand on Eddie’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Not here,” Eddie sputtered. “Can’t…Not here.”

“It’s alright, baby,” Richie said and kissed Eddie’s forehead. “Let’s get out of here.”

After school, they went home as Eddie still found himself staring down the road Richie would have turned down if he had been going _home_ home. Sometimes he tried to ignore the road and not think of his mother sitting alone in the house all day waiting for her son that would never come back, but most of the time the thought pervaded, destroying Eddie’s mood.

It didn’t help that today his mood had already taken a deep dive.

Eddie flopped on Richie’s bed, sprawling his arms out to the sides, and Richie sat next to him.

“Do you wanna talk?” Richie asked. “Cause I feel like we should talk about what happened in the bathroom.”

“Richie Tozier wants to talk about something serious?” Eddie said sarcastically but with no bite. “Call the presses.”

“I’m being serious, asshole,” Richie said.

“I have bad memories of the bathroom at that stupid fucking school we go to,” Eddie said. “Noah wasn’t exactly gentle.”

Richie clenched his fists. “That’s cause he’s a dick.” He paused. “But…it must have been bad if it still freaks you out like that.”

Eddie stared at the ceiling. “I guess. Sometimes it was hard to talk and I don’t think he knew if I liked certain things or not…or maybe he just didn’t care.”

“I’m glad that dickwad’s gone,” Richie said.

“From school,” Eddie corrected. “He still works at the tool shop in town if you want to go beat him up for me.”

“Thought you hated it when I fought.”

“Yeah, but…there’s nothing like remembering that someone cared more about getting off than making sure you were safe that makes you want to see the shit kicked out of them.”

“I think you’re forgetting,” Richie said, “that I lost the last time I fought him.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Eddie said sitting up. “Maybe you could make me feel better in a different way.”

“Which is?” Richie asked clueless.

“Rich, I’m going to give you one hint,” Eddie said moving closer, “and that’s that your parents aren’t home.”

Richie grinned and Eddie moved in to kiss him, pushing him back and straddling him. Eddie had his hands on either side of Richie’s face, holding him like he was going to get away somehow. They kissed and kissed and kissed until Eddie sat back up, still straddling Richie, and Richie stayed laying on the bed.

“What’s the plan, baby?” Richie asked with that signature cocky grin. “How long before I can get at that cute, cute, cute dick of yours?” Richie moved his hands to start undoing Eddie’s jeans, but Eddie caught them.

“I feel like I should be offended when you call my dick cute,” Eddie said.

“And I feel like this is taking way too long,” Richie said.

“You ever hear of delayed gratification, sweetheart?” Eddie said. “Makes things a whole lot better.”

“I’m impatient, baby,” Richie said. “I’d rather have one marshmallow now than two later. And yes, the marshmallow is a metaphor.”

“That’s too bad,” Eddie toyed. “Because your parents won’t be home for a couple hours, and that time is all mine.”

Eddie leaned back over Richie, pinning his wrists to the bed and kissing his neck.

The phone started ringing.

Richie moaned. “Let it go to voicemail. Fuck whoever that is.”

Eddie moved to kiss Richie on his mouth.

The phone finished ringing and the muffled sound of the voicemail machine in Richie’s parents’ room next door started. The recording ran and stopped.

The caller’s voice came through the wall, faded but still understandable.

“Richie? Quit being a dick and pick up the phone.” It was Katie.

Richie shot up and grabbed the phone that he had in his bedroom. “Katie? What’s up?”

Eddie knew before Richie did…somehow.

“Really? Fuck. Okay. I’m on my way.” Richie hung up the phone and turned back to Eddie with an expression Eddie had never seen before. He looked both scared as all hell, but happy and nervous and everything else at the same time. “She’s, um, I have to go.”

“Good luck,” Eddie said. “I’ll come by later with your parents.”

“Yeah,” Richie said jittering where he sat. “Right.” He was practically vibrating. He kissed Eddie one last time before running (hobbling) out of the room.

Eddie thought he might as well get some homework done while he waited for Richie’s parents to get home.

Eddie had a lot of time to think while he waited around, which meant a lot of time for him to get irrationally jealous of the attention Richie would be giving Katie. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew Richie relationship with Katie was now only out of obligation, but for the first time since they broke up, Eddie was beginning to feel jealous of them.

He didn’t like it and tried to focus on his homework instead, knowing that what was happening didn’t mean anything, that Richie and Katie were long over, but if she kept the baby, if they both had to take care of it, maybe there would be that part of Richie that still loved her that would resurface, realize being with her was easier, and leave Eddie.

Eddie slammed his textbook closed.

He picked up the phone and dialed Bill’s number.

Bill picked up after two rings. “Hello?”

“Bill,” Eddie started, “Katie went into labor and now I’m weirdly jealous of the attention she’s getting from Richie and I don’t like it. Am I being irrational?”

“Definitely,” Bill said without hesitation. “Like, st-stupidly irrational.”

“Good,” Eddie said. “I needed you to say that.”

“Richie loves you, not her,” Bill said. “Whatever attention he’s giving her is because of the baby.”

“Yes,” Eddie agreed. “You’re right. It’s stupid and irrational.”

“Exactly,” Bill said. “Anyway, hello, Eddie, so nice of you to call. I would love to stay on the phone with you, b-b-but I’m a little busy right now.”

“Yeah?” Eddie said. “Tell Mike I said hi.”

“You know we do spend time apart,” Bill said defensively, then after a pause said, “he says hi back.”

“That’s what I thought,” Eddie said. “Alright, Billy, I’ll let you get back to doing unspeakable things with your boyfriend. Just make sure you wear a condom.”

“Ha ha,” Bill said. “You’re hysterical. Make sure you call me when you find out anything about the baby, okay?”

“You got it.”

They hung up after that, Eddie still left with a strange bout of jealousy that wasn’t as identifiable as before that he shoved away because he knew he shouldn’t jealous. It was fine. Things were fine.

Richie’s parents got home an hour later and immediately left again, this time with Eddie, when he told them what was going on. Eddie was on edge by that point, ready to combust with anticipation over not knowing what was going on. He hoped, though knew it was a hopeless wish, that the baby would be born by the time they got there, and he wouldn’t have to wait any longer.

What a fruitless plea that was.

Eddie sat in the waiting room while Richie’s parents went to check on him. Despite Eddie’s career plan, he always hated hospitals, although it never occurred to him why. He hated the doctors refusing to listen to him when he said nothing was wrong opting to listen to his mother’s lies about his well-being. He hated the medications the doctors insisted he take and his mother’s adamant vitamin regimen that she refused to alter for years of Eddie’s life. He hated waiting around for someone to tell him what was already routine by the age of 10, that the tests didn’t show anything, followed by his mother yelling or crying about something being wrong with her baby. Something was always wrong.

He looked around the waiting room. It wasn’t like the ER, with sick people abound and his mother pulling a surgical mask over his face even though he always felt like he couldn’t breathe in them. She never wore one herself, but had a stash in her car for Eddie whenever they had to go to a doctor.

This waiting room was different, filled with no one sick, but a lot of happy faces, nervous faces, a few people pacing. They were all waiting for the same thing he was. An update, the news of a new baby.

Eddie didn’t hate this. He couldn’t.

He didn’t hate hospitals either. The nurses were always so nice and helpful, making him feel at ease and, after Eddie turned 12, always being the ones to notice how uncomfortable he was with his mother in the room, asking her to leave in such a firm yet polite way that his mother knew it would make her look bad to refuse. Eddie didn’t hate hospitals, and he never hated nurses.

He hated doctors that didn’t listen to him. He hated the tests they had to do only to find out what he already knew. He hated his mother who would always end up crying over something every visit. He hated his mother.

A few minutes after Maggie and Went disappeared, Richie came out and sat next to Eddie. His leg was bouncing erratically, and his breathing was uneven.

“She, um, the doctor says not for a while,” Richie said. “She’s only dilated 6 centimeters, so the baby won’t be here for another couple hours.”

Eddie took Richie’s hand.

“Her parents wanted to talk to mine,” Richie said. “And apparently didn’t want me around to hear it. But Katie gets to hear so fuck me, I guess.”

Eddie squeezed Richie’s hand.

“I think it’s about keeping it,” Richie said. “Cause Katie does not want to. When I was driving her here, she told me. She will not keep it. She’s not fucking keeping it.”

Tears started forming in Richie’s eyes. He turned his head away and tried to wipe the tears without Eddie noticing.

“Do you want her to keep it, Rich?” Eddie asked.

“I dunno,” Richie said quietly. “Maybe. I thought it would be nice to have _my_ kid around, instead of giving her up.”

Eddie leaned his head on Richie’s shoulder, uncaring of who saw or what they would think.

“– lucky this is a hospital,” Went said as he entered the waiting room. “The nerve of that guy.”

“Unbelievable,” Maggie said.

The two of them took the seats opposite, seething in anger.

“What’s the verdict?” Richie asked.

“Katie doesn’t want the baby,” Maggie said as calmly as she could muster. “I’m sure you already knew that, but her parents–”

“Her goddamn dad,” Went started, “is ready to force her to keep it. And when they do, they’re moving and won’t tell us where.”

“We tried explaining,” Maggie continued, “that you have a right to your child, even if her parents don’t like you. And also, that if Katie doesn’t want the baby, that’s not what that child needs. She needs love.”

“So what?” Richie said. “Katie’s gonna have the baby, then her family is gonna fuck off with it? Even though I’m the one who’s been here for Katie the entire fucking time?”

“I’d ask you to watch your language,” Went said, “but I don’t even care. This pisses me off.” He stood up and started pacing.

“You’d better go,” Eddie said. “Don’t leave her alone with her parents. Not if you care about your kid.”

“Right,” Richie said standing up. “I won’t let them.” Richie ran off down the hall.

Maggie looked to Eddie. “How are you holding up, sweetie?”

Eddie shrugged. “Dunno.” And it was true. He was in such a haze of emotion that nothing felt real right now. Eddie didn’t know what would happen from here, but he knew Katie’s parents couldn’t have their way, not for anyone’s sake.

“It’s important,” Maggie said, “that we make sure that baby gets adopted into a good home.”

“I think you might have to convince Richie of that,” Eddie said. “He loves that baby so much already.”

Maggie hesitated. “We’ll have to wait and see what happens. Figure things out from there.”

Eddie nodded, knowing she was trying to deflect her worries. But Eddie knew Richie better than Richie knew himself. He wanted to keep the baby. But he also knew that Richie didn’t think very much of himself either, and was probably grappling with that. Like Maggie said, they would have to wait and see. Richie would figure things out if he was faced with an ultimatum. They just had to wait for Richie to see it.

It was an agonizing three hours of waiting around. Eddie managed to flip through every magazine lying around, take an awful nap in the waiting room chair, and at some point, went for a walk around the perimeter of the hospital. At some point, Katie’s father was kicked out of the room and came to grumpily sit in the corner of the waiting room.

He was just about to take a second pass at the People magazine that feature a story on the royal family that he had only skimmed through when Richie came out.

“It’s, um,” he said. “She’s here.” He smiled softly and went back to the room.

Maggie told Eddie to go first, that things might be easier for Richie that way.

Eddie’s stomach turned.

The room was like any hospital room, not that Eddie had ever been in many besides check-up rooms, but it fit the description pretty well. Katie was lying in bed and only vaguely acknowledged Eddie when he came in. Her mother was sitting on the edge of her bed. Eddie had never seen someone give him such an awful look, but she didn’t say anything.

The baby was in a rolling bed, the kind that would take her to the nursery once they determined she was properly fed and taken care of. She was so small. Eddie didn’t think babies could be that small.

“She’s so tiny,” Eddie said quietly.

“Yeah,” Richie said picking her up. “She’s, uh, a few weeks early. Six pounds, six ounces. Too bad it’s not the sixth of the month.”

Katie’s mother shot him a look, but again, didn’t say anything.

“You wanna hold her?” Richie asked.

“I – Can I?” Eddie said. “I don’t know how.”

“Support her head,” Richie said like he had been doing this his whole life. “I’ll pass her off the way you should hold her.”

Eddie reached out and took her in his arms, just like Richie had been doing. He almost started panicking. She was _so small_. He couldn’t get over just how tiny she was. It was then he remembered a fact from biology that had been tucked away in his head, that newborns had a soft spot on their head, though he couldn’t remember the reason for it.

“What about the soft spot?” Eddie asked. “I’m scared I’ll do something to it.”

“Eddie,” Richie said smiling. “You’re doing fine.”

It was then that Katie asked her mother to leave. Her mother argued only once before agreeing, though not happily. Katie then asked Richie to get her a glass of water, something a nurse could have brought, but she asked Richie anyway. He didn’t disagree and went to get it.

“He wants to keep it,” Katie said.

“And you don’t,” Eddie finished.

“You have to talk him out of it,” Katie said. “He’ll only listen to you.”

“Why?” Eddie said suddenly defensive. “If he wants to keep her, then why shouldn’t he? She’s his baby, too.”

“Because I can’t look at it,” Katie said tears streaming down her cheeks. “If he wants it, I have to keep it. We need to put it up for adoption. Do you really want your boyfriend keeping a baby he can’t take care of?”

Eddie paused. That was the one thing that Eddie had been playing over and over again. Could Richie actually take care of a baby? Every time Eddie asked himself, the answer was yes, but there was always that delay, always that hesitation, and he didn’t know if it was because he doubted Richie or because they were so young. But he didn’t care. The answer was always yes because Richie put everything he had into the things he cared about, and if there was one thing Eddie knew Richie cared about, it was this baby.

“Why do you think that?” Eddie asked.

“Because he’s immature, Eddie,” Katie said. “He doesn’t even want to finish high school or go to college. His dream is to be a comedian for fuck’s sake. He can’t take care of a baby.”

“We must know two different Richies then,” Eddie said, “because my Richie _is_ finishing high school to be a good influence, and he’s been helping me with college essays because he knows I need it, and he’s funny as all shit, giving 110 percent to his career. My Richie thinks he’s not good enough, which he shouldn’t because he is, but it means he’ll do better than his best because he wants to prove himself.”

“Whatever you say, Eddie,” Katie said defeated. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Richie eventually came back with the water, followed closely by a nurse saying the baby should go to the nursery for a while so Katie could get some rest. She asked if they had come up with a name yet, and Katie waved her hand dismissively while Richie sputtered out something about them still thinking about it. It’s okay, she said, they won’t need one until the baby leaves.

Eddie took Richie out to the waiting room to meet up with his parents, only to find Katie’s parents in a stand-off with Richie’s.

“–get your lousy faggot son away from my daughter,” Katie’s father said. “The baby’s here, it’s over, and we’re leaving as soon as Katie is cleared.”

“Don’t talk about my son like that,” Went said. “He’s done more to care about Katie and his child than you have.”

“Went,” Maggie said, “voice down.”

“Right,” Went said. “Hospital.” He turned back to Cliffton, much more subdued. “If your daughter doesn’t want the baby, then I don’t think you ought to make her keep it. I think that’s the responsible thing to do if you care about her.”

“Are you telling me I don’t care about my daughter?” Cliffton said, growing in anger. “This is a lesson to her. She made a mistake and she had to deal with the consequences.”

“She did,” Maggie said. “You can’t tell me you haven’t heard what people have said about her.”

“We are not the kind of people to abandon our family,” Kendra said. “Does blood mean nothing to you people?”

“Actually, it means a hell of a lot,” Went said. “I would die for my son, and I’d rather him live a happy life than face a lifetime of consequences for one stupid teenage mistake.”

“Do you honestly believe,” Maggie added, “that Katie deserves that lifetime? That she deserves the hardships she’ll face and the resentment she’ll grow towards her child? Because I don’t.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t,” Kendra said. “You don’t understand a thing about consequences or the importance of blood, opening your home and removing any real consequences from sin for a boy that isn’t even yours, taking him away from his mother.”

Eddie felt a stabbing pain in his chest.

“Why is he even here?” Kendra continued. “Only to wave his queerness all over my daughter and granddaughter. It’s despicable the way he parades around this town like he isn’t an abomination. Both of them. And you allow it. It’s disgusting.”

Richie stepped between them, back to Katie’s parents. “She’s in the nursery if you want to see her,” he said to his parents.

They nodded and went off to see the baby. Richie went to follow, turned for a second to look at Katie’s parents, and said, “You’re just mad your daughter had sex with a fucking fag,” before grabbing Eddie to follow his parents.

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh.

Richie showed his parents which baby was his and they both said she was beautiful.

“Have you picked a name for her yet?” Maggie asked.

“I don’t even know if we’re keeping her,” Richie said.

“Do you want to?” Went said.

Richie hesitated. “Yes, but I can’t make Katie go through that.”

“Katie’s already made her decision, Richie,” Maggie said. “But you need to make yours.”

“You’re her father,” Went said, “so, you need to start acting like it.”

Eddie grabbed Richie’s arm and tugged him away from the window. “C’mon,” he said. “Let’s go for a walk.”

Eddie didn’t say anything, and wasn’t planning on it until Richie said something first. Eddie didn’t have anything to say that Richie didn’t already know. Eddie just knew that Richie needed some air, some time and space to think. So much had happened recently that it must have been overwhelming, and being placed with the most important decision he would ever have to make must not have helped.

Richie was silent until Eddie found them a bench to sit on outside.

“What do I do, Eddie?” Richie asked.

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Eddie said. “You know that.”

Richie didn’t say anything, and not for the first time Eddie was frustrated at Richie’s lack of communication.

“Talk to me, Richie,” Eddie said. “This isn’t really the time to pretend like you can handle things on your own. So, let’s skip the dancing around it, and just get to the part where you actually talk to me like a human being.”

Richie looked at Eddie with wide eyes before settling back into his seat. “It’s not…the same thing,” he said. “If I take her home, it’s weird, isn’t it? Like, if a girl gets pregnant, then she stuck with the choices, but the guy doesn’t have to deal with that. It’s whatever the girl wants, right?”

“Is that what you’ve convinced yourself?” Eddie asked.

“But what if I mess it up?” Richie said. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’d be a…father. Her dad. I don’t know if I’m good enough for that.”

“Do you love your parents, Richie?”

“Yes, but –”

“And you think they’re good parents?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think they’re perfect?”

“Of course not, but –”

“Then what’s the difference?” Eddie said. “You don’t need to be perfect to be good.” Eddie found it hard to believe that he was trying to convince Richie to take his baby home rather than put her up for adoption. They were so young, not even 18 yet, but Eddie knew that Richie would go his entire life regretting it if he didn’t step up. Richie just had to believe he could do it.

“I’m worried I’ll mess her up,” Richie said quietly. “I don’t – I don’t want to ruin her.”

“You love her, right?” Eddie said. “Then that’s all that matters. You’ll do so well by her if that’s all that ever matters.”

“Your mom loved you,” Richie said.

Eddie breath hitched, and he almost agreed with Richie, but he spent a lot of time these past few weeks thinking about his mother, and a lot of that time was spent trying to figure out why she acted that way. He almost agreed with Richie, but he couldn’t. 

“No,” he said, “she never loved me. She loved the perfect version of me that said ‘yes, mommy’ and ‘anything for you, mommy’ and went to the doctor without fighting and wasn’t gay. The minute I wasn’t that person, she stopped loving me. If you love her, no matter who she is, then it’s not the same thing. You’re better than my mom, Richie. I know you don’t think very much of yourself sometimes, but don’t ever compare yourself to her.”

“Do you really think I’d be a good dad?” Richie asked, voice barely higher than a whisper.

“I think you’d be the best,” Eddie said. “But I also think you need to think about what’s best for the both of you. And that might mean giving her up.”

“And I’m the one who has to make that decision?” Richie said. “Who the fuck decided that?”

“No one said it would be easy, Rich,” Eddie said. “But whatever you pick, I’m here for you.”

Richie didn’t say anything for a while. They sat and watched the parking lot, the people getting in and out of cars, transporting people with fresh casts in wheelchairs, bringing in vases filled with flowers and cards. The coming and going of people was enough to keep Eddie’s mind occupied, trying not to let it wander too much into imagining what his life was going to be like after today. Richie could go either way, and Eddie didn’t want to psych himself up for something that wasn’t going to happen.

“What do you think?” Richie asked after some time.

“I don’t know,” Eddie lied.

“I know you, Eds,” Richie said. “You can’t not think about something like this.”

Eddie sighed. “If you give her up, then maybe she’ll go to people who can really care for her and want her. But I know you’ll never stop thinking about what if you kept her. If you did, you’d love her so much, but is that the best? For you or her?” Tears stung Eddie’s eyes. “You have dreams, Richie, and I don’t want to see you give those up.”

“What about you?” Richie asked.

“What about me?” Eddie said. Nothing about him mattered. Nothing. It wasn’t his baby and it wasn’t his decision. All he could do was support Richie and love him and be there. “I don’t matter in this, Richie.”

“Yes, you do,” Richie said. “If I take her home, then you do matter a lot. And I was giving up my dreams for you, so why is it any different for her?” He paused. “We have time. I can work and earn money, and then we can move to New York. You, me…and her. But I need you to talk to me, Eddie. I need you to talk to me now. I don’t want to hurt you, Eddie.”

Eddie had spent a long time thinking about the baby in every way that didn’t have to deal with him. He never imagined his role in all of this, other than what he meant to Richie. He never imagined his role being anything other than that.

“She would be in your life too,” Richie said. “And I need to know how you feel about that.”

“That’s really scary to think about.”

“Yeah.”

“But I would,” Eddie started. “I would do anything for her if you brought her home. I think I wanted kids, but I never thought…I didn’t think I would ever get them. Gay people don’t…get things like that.”

Richie stood up and pulled Eddie up with him.

“I’d give you the world, Eddie.”

* * *

Richie decided to sleep on it. Since Katie was to stay in the hospital another day, the baby could too, and Richie let himself take a little more time to figure things out.

He asked everyone what they thought. He called his friends and asked, and he sat down with his parents separately, not wanting their opinions to influence each other.

“I think you need to think about your future, Rich,” Went said. “You aren’t going to college. Your mother and I know that. And if you want to go to New York with Eddie, you need to think about how a baby would fit into that. I’m not going to tell you what to do. I think you’re smart enough to figure it out on your own.”

“You always said you weren’t planning on having me,” Richie said. “But you still kept me and loved me.”

“That’s true.”

“And you never changed your mind?”

“Not once. The day you were born I knew we made the right decision. And I know I get mad at you sometimes, but I truly am proud of you, son. You make mistakes but you’re a good person.”

Went clapped a strong hand on Richie shoulder and Richie didn’t ask any more questions.

“What do you want me to tell you that you don’t already know?” Maggie said.

“I want your opinion, Mom,” Richie said.

“It doesn’t matter what I think because you’ve already made up your mind.”

“Then how come I don’t know it.”

“I like to think I know you well enough. I know you’ve been lying about applying to colleges and you want to follow Eddie to New York with no plan whatsoever. But I’m fine with that because you’ve always been a dreamer. And I know that Eddie is the most important person in your life right now. You need to think about him and how he feels about everything too.”

“I know how he feels.”

“Then I think you found your answer, sweetie. If I had my way, she would be given up for adoption, and you know that, but she’s not mine to give away, and I know you’d never forgive me if I forced you to do something like that. So, don’t let little things like other people’s opinions or the logistics of the future get in your way. The man I know to be my son has never been like that.”

Richie went to the hospital the next morning. He checked in with Katie who pleaded with him one last time not to take the baby home.

At some point, someone from Child Services brought by a form to release parental rights and Katie signed it without an explanation.

“So, that’s it?” Richie asked. “She’s not the baby’s mother anymore?”

“No,” the worker explained. “Her name will remain on the birth certificate but that’s it. She will no longer have any rights or claim to the child.”

The worker tried to get Richie to sign too (“You’re only 17” and “Think about your future” and “There’s no way a boy like you could take care of a baby”). Richie just about decked him right there, but instead he told him to fuck off.

Richie found a nurse and had her collect his baby from the nursery, and Went gave him the keys to his car because there was no way Richie was taking home that baby in his deathtrap of a truck.

Katie’s parents tried to stop him but instead were stopped by Maggie who offered in a very pleasant tone to buy the baby supplies they had already purchased that would just be lying around their house collecting dust. She’d pay full price and her and Went would take Richie’s truck to go get it all. No effort or loss on their part.

Richie overheard them begrudgingly accept while the nurse finished filling out the birth certificate.

“Just need a name for her, Mr. Tozier,” the nurse said, pen at the ready.

“Maggie,” Richie said without hesitation.

“A sweet name,” the nurse said and handed over the birth certificate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo three guesses why i cried writing this chapter


	13. i don't know why but i keep thinking something's bound to go wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Don't Worry, Baby" by the Beach Boys (yet another song from my reddie trash playlist)
> 
> TW at the end of the chapter for overdose/suicidal thoughts

Eddie loved Richie, but the entire next week, he slept on the couch. Eddie helped out taking care of the new baby, little Maggie, but his help was contained to daylight hours exclusively. At least for a little while until she started calming down.

Richie’s mother had cried when he told her the baby’s name, but now she teased him over his third cup of coffee at breakfast.

“Lungs like her father,” she said kissing the top of his head.

“How long before she sleeps through the night?” Richie asked.

“You didn’t stop screaming until you were six months,” Went said.

“Good luck, sweetie,” Maggie said.

Richie put his head down on the table.

Like most mornings, Eddie was feeding little Maggie, giving Richie some time to wake up considering Eddie was the one that got a full night sleep in the quiet living room.

“Don’t forget who watches her all day,” Eddie chimed in.

“You’re right,” Maggie agreed. “She’s a perfect angel for grandma. Don’t know what you’re doing to her, Richie.”

“I just want to go to sleep,” Richie mumbled into the table.

“You don’t get to sleep for the next 18 years,” Went said. “Welcome to fatherhood.”

The days turned into weeks as Eddie eventually moved back to Richie’s room. Maggie still didn’t sleep through the night but at least she had stop screaming about it, and that was enough for Eddie to move back and help Richie through the nights.

The rest of the Losers came by at different times to see her, and Maggie decided that she hated all of them except Bev. Richie would hand her off to whoever was there, and she would immediately begin screaming, only to be consoled when Richie took her back. 

She even hated Eddie for a short time before she realized he was going to be around a lot. Once she grew used to Eddie, she decided that she liked him the best, even better than Richie.

“Just like her dad,” Eddie teased, and Richie made a show of being betrayed and upset and how-could-she-do-this-to-me, but Eddie knew Richie was overjoyed by this.

Before they knew it, she had been home for a month, and then it was Thanksgiving.

Richie’s grandparents were scheduled to arrive on Wednesday morning and the only thing they could talk about was the baby. Richie had only talked to them once before they arrived, but they made sure to tell him everything they thought about it. They didn’t care that he was young. The only thing they had to complain about was that Katie was out of the picture. They wouldn’t shut up about that.

But Richie had passed the phone off to his father to rein in his parents and that was the end of it.

Eddie wasn’t sure how to feel about Richie’s grandparents coming to visit. They would be staying in the guest room for a few days, and surely they would have something to say about the boy whose living with them. Eddie had decided he didn’t care anymore, that people could say what they wanted and it wouldn’t matter because he knew his mother thought worse of him, but there was Richie to think about. Eddie didn’t want to put him in a bad place.

But Richie whispered to him the night before they arrived and said he was going to tell them the truth. That they could think whatever they wanted because he was done hiding. He kissed Eddie, and before Eddie could react, Maggie started crying. And for the first time, Eddie got up in the night to take care of her.

Went was set to pick up his parents from the airport and be back to the house by noon. That gave plenty of time for Richie to run through his speech.

He paced the kitchen while Eddie sat at the table giving Maggie her lunch.

“I pass off the baby,” Richie said. “They get all mushy over her, then I say ‘have you met Eddie?’ and they say ‘oh, your friend?’ and I say ‘no, my boyfriend’ and then because they’re distracted by the baby, they say ‘okay’ and that’s it.”

“You’re really riding a lot on Maggie being that distracting,” Eddie said.

“Don’t pretend like she’s not the cutest baby in the world,” Richie said.

“She’s not that cute at 3 a.m.” Eddie said.

“It will work,” Richie said. “They haven’t even met her, and they’re nuts over her.”

It was then that the door opened, and Richie’s grandmother shouted, “Where is the baby?”

Richie took Maggie from Eddie, and called his grandparents into the kitchen where they came in and started fawning over her. Richie tried to say something about himself and his grandmother shushed him saying he was distracting her.

It seemed that Richie had all but forgotten his plan when his grandfather looked to where Eddie was and reached out a hand that Eddie shook.

“You Richie’s friend?” he asked.

“You remember Eddie, Dad,” Went chimed in. “You’ve met him a few times.”

“I’m sure I have,” Grandpa said. “Little wheezy kid, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie said.

“Don’t be mean, Grandpa,” Richie said.

“Oh, hush up,” Grandpa said. “I ain’t mean and he can tell me himself.” He turned back to Eddie. “You not visiting anyone for Thanksgiving?”

“No, he’s staying here over the holidays,” Went said.

“Can you boys let him answer?” Grandpa asked. “He’s got a voice, ain’t he?”

Eddie’s heart was pounding because he wanted Richie to be the one to say what needed to be said, but he also wanted to impress Richie’s grandparents. He found his footing and spoke. “Like Mr. Tozier said, I’m staying here…for more than the holidays. But that’s something Richie should talk to you about.”

“Alright, Rich,” Grandpa said. “What is it?”

“Is there something you needed to tell us?” Grandma asked.

Richie looked between them, and Eddie almost felt bad for putting him on the spot like that, but Richie had been adamant that he was going to tell them. He just needed the motivation.

He took a breath. “Eddie is my boyfriend. And he’s staying here cause his mom doesn’t want him around…And that’s it.”

“Boyfriend?” Grandma said. “So, you’re…”

Both she and Grandpa looked around, as if expecting this to be a joke, but when Eddie nor Went laughed, they looked back to Richie. He finished feeding Maggie and Eddie squeezed in to take her and burp her while Richie dealt with whatever was happening.

Grandma and Grandpa watched Eddie take the baby intently, as though they were worried he would drop her.

“Okay,” Grandpa said. “Alright.”

“I suppose,” Grandma muttered.

“You’re not…” Richie started. “It’s okay?”

“You’ve already got a child,” Grandma said. “So, I suppose we can’t hound you over that.”

“There’s all these gays out where we live anyway,” Grandpa said. “Nothing we can do about it.”

“This makes you happy, Richie?” Grandma asked.

Richie nodded.

“Could be doing worse,” Grandpa said.

“That’s very true,” Grandma agreed.

And with that, they seamlessly switched into rambling about the ratty kids in their neighborhood that keep smashing mailboxes and leaving trash all over the place and trespassing into abandoned factories to start fires. Richie visibly relaxed when he realized there was nothing more to be said between them, and went to put Maggie down for her nap.

When Richie was out of the room, Grandpa turned back to Eddie. “So, your mom doesn’t want you around?”

“No, sir.”

“Cause you’re queer?”

Eddie nodded.

“Well, that just a shame,” Grandma said. “You’re so sweet with little Maggie, I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want a boy like you around.”

“Her loss, eh?” Grandpa said and slapped a hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

From there, things got easier. Richie’s grandparents slowly warmed up to Eddie and by dinnertime, it was like Eddie was never not a part of the family. They also offered to watch the baby for the night, claiming that Richie looked awfully tired and should spend a nice night out with Eddie, but Eddie figured they also wanted to spend time with her. Richie did not want to go, saying that she needed to be in bed at a specific time and worried that they wouldn’t bathe her correctly and that they wouldn’t understand what each of her cries meant.

Eddie had to pull Richie out the door. It had been way too long since they went on a proper date and he wasn’t going to waste it.

“I thought I was the anal one,” Eddie said after he finally got Richie in the car.

“What if something happens and I’m not there?” Richie said.

“They raised your dad, didn’t they?” Eddie said. “And you leave her with your mom all day. Maggie will be fine.”

Eddie took Richie out to dinner and Richie finally started calming down after about an hour, letting himself crack a few jokes and do the British Guy impression for the waiter who wasn’t very pleased. It didn’t matter. Eddie thought it was funny.

They went for a walk after dinner, enjoying the pleasantly mild night, and holding hands like the world didn’t matter. They let themselves forget for a moment.

“Look, dude!” some guy called. “A couple of fairies out in the wild!” Eddie recognized him, some asshole from school talking to his friend.

Richie quickly let go of Eddie’s hand and put space between them. Suddenly, the night was cold and dark and lonely.

Eddie turned toward the guys that called to them, feeling some kind of confidence he must have siphoned from Richie, and yelled, “What? You guys catch yourselves in a mirror?”

Eddie worried only for a second that maybe that was too much, that the night might end with a black eye and a bloody nose, but the guys turned and walked away. All talk and no action. A rare occurrence for Derry, but a welcome one. He closed the gap between him and Richie and took his hand again.

“That was really hot, baby,” Richie said.

“What are you going to do about it, sweetheart?” Eddie teased.

They parked in an empty parking lot outside of town and did what they couldn’t do with a baby in the room.

They got home late, close to midnight, and Eddie was surprised to see a light on in the living room. They went inside where Richie’s parents were still awake, Went reading a book and Maggie knitting a sweater.

“She went down easy,” Maggie said when Richie asked how the baby was. “Like an angel.”

“I’m beginning to think she just wants your attention,” Went said.

“A real daddy’s girl, if I should say so,” Maggie said.

Little Maggie was sleeping with Richie’s grandparents for the night which meant that Eddie and Richie got the best night sleep they had in over a month, not knowing that they would need it for the next morning.

They woke up around 10, only to be berated by Grandpa when they stumbled downstairs to the living room. Everyone else was up and about, fully dressed and ready for something that wasn’t happening. 

“You boys finally up?” Grandpa asked. “Give you one night off and you sleep the day away.”

“Leave them alone, dear,” Grandma said with little Maggie in the crook of her arm. “You remember how it was when Went was born.”

Richie beelined for his grandmother to take Maggie away. As much as he appreciated the night off, he missed his kid. Eddie had laughed in an endearing way when Richie admitted it last night, and Richie told him to shut up with no heat. It was fine, Eddie thought. He missed her too.

Even though it was only a little after 10, Thanksgiving dinner had been started as Richie’s mother bustled around in the kitchen. Eddie went to join her and help out in any way that he could. He had grown used to noticing where help was needed and offering what he could, and it turned out that he really liked helping in the kitchen and cooking with Maggie.

He was about to ask her what to do when the phone rang.

Maggie picked it up.

“Hello?”

Eddie froze as the unmistakable voice of his mother came barely audible through the speaker. He couldn’t hear what she was saying, only enough to recognize her voice.

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Maggie said.

Sonia spoke some more and Eddie wished he hadn’t been around for this conversation.

“Do you honestly think –”

“He _is_ with his family.”

“Goodbye, Sonia.”

Maggie turned back to Eddie, a mess of fury and love on her face that collided in a way Eddie wasn’t sure he would ever understand. When she saw him, she softened. There was hardly any time between catching that one second look before she was calm and collected again. She looked like she wanted to say something important, but threw it away at the last second.

“If you could, Eddie,” Maggie said, “I’d love your help chopping veggies for the stuffing.”

She returned to the counter where she was peeling potatoes before, not saying another word.

Eddie took a spot at the counter to do what she had asked, trying to figure out a way to break through the silence she had created.

But that didn’t matter. Maggie started talking anyway.

“You know,” Maggie said, “that woman thinks she’s so entitled to whatever she wants. I cannot _believe_ that she called here and had the gall to ask when you were arriving for Thanksgiving dinner. The absolute audacity of her thinking that you would still want to see her…” Maggie trailed off and looked at Eddie.

“I don’t,” Eddie said, “if that’s what you’re thinking. I miss her, but I don’t… I don’t ever want to talk to her again.”

“Good,” Maggie said returning to her potatoes.

“What did,” Eddie started, “what else did she say?”

Maggie hesitated for a second. “Only that you should be with your family on holidays.”

“And you said…”

“I’m sorry if I overstepped, sweetie,” Maggie said. “I was upset.”

“No, that’s…” Eddie said. “You are. You are my family now.”

“Good,” Maggie said quietly. She stepped away from the counter. “Keep…keep chopping. I’ll be back.” And with that, she left the kitchen in a hurry.

Richie came in a second later, coming up behind Eddie and wrapping his arms around his middle, resting his chin on Eddie’s shoulder.

“Dude, what’d you do to Mom?” Richie asked. “She ran out of the kitchen so fast.”

Eddie turned in Richie’s arms to face him. “My mom called,” he stated. “She wants me home, blah, blah, blah, and I told your mom I’d rather be here. You guys are my family now.”

“Fuck, dude,” Richie said. “Mom’s gonna be crying over that for weeks.”

“And you?”

“We’ve been family for years, baby,” Richie said. “You’re not getting any waterworks from me on this day of our lord and savior, turkey Jesus.”

“Turkey Jesus?”

“Yeah, you know, died for our sins and came back as a delicious turkey that the pilgrims ate 500 years ago to get into heaven.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeah, but who cares.” Richie leaned down and kissed Eddie.

“You might be onto something here,” Eddie said kissing back until Maggie came back into the kitchen and whipped Richie with a towel, telling him to get his ass out of her kitchen.

Sonia called again around noon, and then again in the evening. When she called one more time right before nine, Eddie took the phone away from Maggie to deal with things himself.

“What do you want?” Eddie asked not bothering to hide his irritation.

“Is that any way to speak to your mother?” Sonia said.

“Stop calling,” Eddie said.

“I wish you would come home.”

“I am home.” It hurt to say, but it needed to be said.

“I don’t think you understand how much that hurts to hear.”

“I wanna hear you say it. If you can’t, then we’re done.”

A pause. “Say what?”

“I’m gay, Ma,” Eddie said. “If you can say it, then we’ll talk, but if not, stop calling.”

“You’re confused, honey,” Sonia said. “Come home and we can figure this out.”

“Say it,” Eddie said, voice cracking. “Say it, or I’m hanging up.”

“It’s that boy, isn’t it?” she asked. “He’s truly filled your head with lies.”

Eddie didn’t answer except to hang the phone up. He waited, staring at the phone. Surely, she would call back. Surely, she had more things to say, more lies masquerading as sweet words that Eddie knew if he kept listening to would infect him the way his mother was always afraid of. Her words gave him cavities in his brain, holes that could never be filled, only lightly coated. They wouldn’t open again if he was gentle, but life didn’t grant him that gentleness.

Because, like a cavity, she would never truly go away.

Richie’s grandparents left on Saturday evening. Richie and Eddie were voluntold to take them to the airport, and the entire time, Richie’s grandmother was complaining about the late flight. (“I thought I told you to book it earlier,” she said to Grandpa. “I don’t know how this shit works,” was all he could offer.)

A few days after that, Eddie got the letter. He wasn’t expecting it until after the new year, but there it was, waiting for him in the mailbox in front of the house he used to live in. He no longer cared if neighbors caught him taking his mail from his mother’s mailbox. He opened it right there, only after realizing that maybe he should have waited for Richie, but it was too late. He opened it.

“Dear Mr. Eddie Kaspbrak,” read the letter, “Congra–”

Eddie didn’t read any further before clutching the letter to his chest. He was sure it was a joke. Someone was playing a prank on him and this wasn’t real. He would wake up and this would all be over.

He looked at the letter again.

He had been accepted into NYU, and he could get out.

He continued reading, not wanting to miss any important information. They included a few more letters and pieces of paper that outlined registration and who to call to confirm and where to send the tuition deposit and how much it would cost. He looked at that one.

His heart dropped. He got a scholarship, a good one, but it was nowhere near what he needed. There was no way he’d be able to go to school and afford the rest of his tuition, as well as room and board, or an apartment if Richie went with him. And there was no way he was asking Maggie and Went for help either. They had already given him enough. He couldn’t ask for anything else.

Eddie went home where he found Richie at the kitchen table doing his homework while little Maggie slept in her rocker. He sat down at the table across from Richie.

“I got in,” Eddie said.

“To NYU?” Richie said. “Baby, that’s fucking great!”

“Yeah,” Eddie said unable to match Richie’s enthusiasm. “I guess. But I don’t know. I think I’ll just go to Eastern for a few years. It’s cheaper anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Richie said appalled. “You wanted to go to New York. If you got in then you should go, no matter what.”

“Yeah, but…” Eddie felt horrible about not getting enough scholarship. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t want Richie to know. “What about you? I can’t leave you here.”

“Who gives a shit?” Richie said. “You can’t pass on New York, Eds. I won’t let you.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“You’re going,” Richie said as though that was the final decision. “End of story.”

That threw Eddie through a loop. Since when did Richie dictate what Eddie did? Even if it was possible for Eddie to go to New York without money, it was ultimately Eddie’s decision if he wanted to go or not, and if he chose to stay in Derry, then that was his decision. Not Richie’s.

“End of story?” Eddie said getting mad. “Since when do you tell me what to do?”

“Tell you what to do?” Richie said matching anger. “I thought you wanted to go to New York. I thought that was your dream.”

“Maybe,” Eddie said. “But you can’t tell me what to do.”

“I wasn’t – That’s not what I meant. You shouldn’t give up on yourself like that.”

“I’m not,” Eddie said. “I’m making a choice and my choice is you.”

“I can’t let you do that,” Richie said. “You are not giving up for me. I’m not worth it.”

“Enough with the woe-is-me bullshit,” Eddie said. “I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions and I can do that without you. But I don’t want to. How fucking hard is that to get?”

“I don’t want you to get stuck here,” Richie said. “If you stay, you will. I can’t let that happen to you.”

“Newsflash, asshole,” Eddie said. “You don’t have a say in what I do.”

“I don’t?” Richie said getting truly angry, not just to keep up with Eddie. “I thought we were in love. In it for the long run. I thought that you’re supposed to talk and make decisions together in a relationship.”

That made sense, and Eddie hated it. He didn’t want Richie to make sense because his own head wasn’t letting his decision-making make sense. If Richie didn’t have a good comeback, then maybe it would be easier to let him down, but he did, and Eddie hated it.

Maggie started crying and that was their cue to stop. Riche got up to comfort her, and Eddie got up to leave the room.

“Also,” Eddie said before leaving, “I can’t go anyway. Only a half scholarship. I can’t afford it. I wanted to make things easier by saying it was for you.”

Maybe that was a bad way to end it, but Eddie didn’t care. He was pissed at Richie for trying to tell him what to do and his only thought process was to make him feel bad about it. Eddie regretted it the second he left the kitchen.

Eddie went up to Richie’s room and collapsed on the bed. He tried to find the right words to describe how he felt, hopeless, defeated, _scared_. If he couldn’t go to New York, then Richie was right, he would be stuck here in Derry for at least a few more years, if not longer. He was terrified that if he chose to stay, then he would get a job here, and eventually lose his steam and never find it in himself to move away.

It was irrational, and he knew it was, but he couldn’t help but think of a life in which he never left Derry. It was painful, and somehow, he had started convincing himself of that reality.

It wouldn’t be so bad. He had survived all these years before, and Mike would still be here for a little while longer. He would be fine.

Richie came up and put Maggie down in her crib before laying on the bed next to Eddie.

“I know life sucks,” Richie said, “but you don’t have to be a dick about it.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said. “I shouldn’t have – I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I thought things would be easier if I pretended like it was my choice to stay, not fucking NYU’s stupid fucking scholarship program.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Richie said. “It _is_ your choice, but sometimes your decision is stupid. I don’t want you to get stuck here.”

“Like you are?” Eddie said dryly.

“The second I have some money, I’m getting the fuck out. I’m not raising Maggie here.”

“So what?” Eddie asked as though Richie had the answer. “What do we do?”

Richie pondered that, and Eddie could feel the silence between them. As of right now, they were stuck. They were exactly where they didn’t want to be with no way out in the foreseeable future. All they could do was dream that one day things would be better, that they could get out and be free somewhere else. But that was all it was: a dream.

“I’m thinking,” Eddie said, “that I go to Eastern for a few years, work part time, and you work full time. Save money and hopefully in two years or so we’ll have saved enough that we can move. Doesn’t have to be New York. I can transfer to any fucking school that’s not here where rent is cheap and I can get a better scholarship. Then we get the fuck out. It’s just gonna take a little longer.”

Richie nodded. “I fucking hate it,” he said, “but I think that’s all we got.”

Eddie took Richie’s hand. “Life really fucking sucks, doesn’t it?”

They were fine for a few days. As December droned on, and snow started to fall, life seemingly came to a halt in Derry. Eddie felt like he was going through the motions only to get nothing in return. Every day was the same. Wake up, go to school, do homework, and sleep. In between, he’d do his part in helping with chores or with Maggie to make sure he felt like he was earning his keep, but each day it felt harder and harder to keep up with life.

He continued stopping by his mother’s house to check the mail, but it seemed pointless. There was never anything for him besides college brochures and more letters from NYU that explained how to confirm his acceptance or to apply for housing.

He almost didn’t stop by the day that letter came, the one he didn’t quite understand. He had turned 18 only a few weeks prior, which to him meant his mother no longer had any rights to him and he could start considering that tattoo he had been thinking about. But this letter said something else.

It was from the bank, a lot of jargon that Eddie couldn’t comprehend except for one line that stated there was a trust in his name. Now that he was 18, he had access to the money in it. At least, that’s what it sounded like. And if his hunch was true, it was a lot of money, enough to go to New York, enough to take Richie with him. They would still have to work, but New York was possible now.

If he was reading this correctly.

Eddie looked to the front door of his old house. She would have answers, he knew she would, but the question is whether or not she would willingly give them up.

She would have to. The money was his. She would have to answer for hiding this from him.

He went up to the door and knocked.

His mother answered, her hair in curlers and in a nightgown that needed desperately to be ironed.

“Can I help you?” Sonia asked, her tone resembling that of a store employee.

“What is this?” Eddie said showing her the letter.

“You know it’s a felony to go snooping through other people’s mail,” she said.

“It’s my mail,” Eddie said defensively. “What is this?”

Sonia took the letter and adjusted her glasses. “Oh, dear, this is nothing. A mix-up, I’m sure.”

“Stop lying to me,” Eddie said. “The bank doesn’t mess up so bad that they just give out 100 fucking thousand dollars in trust money.”

“I don’t like your tone, Edward,” Sonia said. “If you can’t speak nicely, I won’t speak to you. You’re lucky I’m even speaking to you at all, considering you don’t think well enough of me to continue living here.”

Eddie took a deep breath. “I know you know what this is. It says that this is my money, and I think it’s been in an account for almost my whole life. Can you please tell me what this is?”

Sonia studied him for a moment. “Fine,” she said haughtily. “I can see you won’t let this go. Your father put this money away for you before he died. He wanted you to be able to attend college and afford it. But I could never understand why he did that.”

She kept talking, rambling something about how Eddie wouldn’t need to go away to school, that he could stay home, but all Eddie heard was the part about his father. Frank Kaspbrak had left him this money, money he had never been told about, money enough to help him go to school for four years and get out of Derry. And his mother had never told him about it.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Eddie asked cutting her off.

“I didn’t think you’d ever need it,” Sonia said. “Eastern is a fine school and you –”

“You lied to me,” Eddie said. “You kept giving me bullshit about how we never had enough money for anything and how I would never be able to go to college without a full ride. You’ve been hiding _my_ money from me.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Sonia said. “I did it for your own good. I knew what would happen if you left, and it’s happening now. You’d turn on me.” She started putting on a show, fake waterworks, mock sadness. “You’ve left me all alone in this house. My own son.”

“Say it,” Eddie said. “I didn’t leave you, you forced me out. So, unless you say it, this is your fault.” His voice cracked. He hated talking to his mother like this, but it had to be done.

“My goodness, they’ve really turned you against me, haven’t they?” Sonia said.

“I’m gay, Ma,” Eddie said. “I’m gay, and I’m in love with Richie, and I’m leaving Derry to go to school in New York with my money and there’s nothing you can say to stop me.” He felt a tear slip down his cheek. “I never wanted to hurt you. But I think I’d rather kill myself then stay here with you.”

“What a nasty thing to say to your mother,” Sonia said and slammed the door, leaving Eddie on the front porch, alone.

He ran home. He ran faster than he had ever run before, running from God’s know what, he’d never find out. He ran.

He found Richie in his room, strumming idly on his guitar.

He spilled everything to Richie who grinned broadly and pulled Eddie in to kiss him. Richie put on some music and started dancing around, and normally Eddie loved watching him, rolling his eyes but still enjoying it when Richie pulled him up, forcing him to dance too. Normally, Eddie would have humored Richie before pushing him down on the bed to make out for a little while before cuddling up next to him while they talked shit about nothing. Normally, Eddie would be happy.

But today he didn’t feel a goddamn thing.

He rode it out, going through the motions, faking happiness for everyone so they wouldn’t worry about him. He hated it when people worried about him. Worry always meant a trip to the doctor’s office, and that was the last thing he needed right now.

The feeling lasted for days and he couldn’t get it to go away. He lost sleep thinking about it. Everything was clicking into place, so he ought to feel good, but all he could think about was how it was another handout, another thing he had to take from someone in order to help himself. He was so tired of taking things. He wanted to earn them.

He had taken the bed he was sleeping in and the food he was eating and the money he was given. All these gifts he didn’t earn. Hell, he had even taken the baby he loved like his own. She wasn’t his, and he had to stop taking.

Everything hurt so much, and he wanted it to stop.

Eddie went to sleep one night holding Richie close, something that always made him feel good and safe, and he was able to sleep for a little while.

But he dreamed a horrible dream.

He was in a cage, padlocked and tiny, not big enough for him so he had to crouch. He tried the door, only to realize there was no door, only bars on all sides. Was it getting smaller? He tried to pry a bar with no results. He tried a few more and nothing worked. It was getting smaller. He started pushing with his entire body until he couldn’t breathe, and the cage kept getting smaller and smaller.

Eddie woke up with a start.

“Mmm,” Richie moaned. He flipped over and fell right back to sleep.

Eddie was coated in a thin layer of sweat and was now wide awake. But he was so, so tired. He needed to sleep. He got out of bed and downstairs to sneak some whiskey from the liquor cabinet. Not enough for anyone to notice. Just enough to put him to sleep.

It made sense to him in the moment, that alcohol was the answer to his sleeping problems. He hadn’t realized how tired he had been, not just then, but for days, weeks even. He was exhausted and all he wanted to do was sleep his life away.

The whiskey would help.

He took a swig right from the bottle. It went down easy. This was the good stuff that Went’s friend sent him from Tennessee. Eddie thought he ought to put it back, that he should feel bad for even taking that much from someone who was giving him so much already, but he couldn’t. He would never be able to explain why he took another, much longer swig from the bottle.

He managed to put it back after that. He was already starting to feel the effects of the alcohol in his system, but unfortunately, those effects had one goal in mind: he needed sleep. The rational part of Eddie said that he should go back to bed, that he would be fine. The tipsy part of him was screaming that he needed something to help him sleep.

He went back upstairs, careful not to make any noise, and found the sleeping pills in the cabinet. They were prescribed to Richie for when his insomnia got really bad, only to be used when he really needed them, but he hadn’t in a while, at least not since Eddie had moved in.

“Don’t mix with alcohol,” Eddie read on the warning label. _One can’t hurt_ , he thought.

That was the last thing he remembered thinking before he woke up in the hospital.


	14. did i build this ship to wreck?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Ship to Wreck" by Florence and the Machine
> 
> (I originally was going to use "The Dog Days are Over" for chapter 10 cause that song is super Eddie but then I wanted this song for this chapter and didn't want to reuse artists so here we are :P)
> 
> There's some brief medical talk in this chapter and I did some research and also used my knowledge from studying in college but if anything is flat out wrong, please message me! I'll change it to be correct. If it's only vaguely wrong, you can still tell me because I love learning, but I probably won't change it if it affects the plot lol.
> 
> TW: a lot of talk about depression, anxiety, mental health, suicide, etc.

Eddie woke up to a bright, burning light. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking away the fatigue that was still present, urging him to go back to sleep even though he wanted to wake up. It took him a second to get used to the light, but when he did, he saw where he was.

The hospital room was very clean and very white. He was very cleanly tucked into bed and there was an IV in his right arm. He tried to look around. To his left was an ugly and uncomfortable looking chair that somehow Richie was curled up in and sleeping. It was then that Eddie wondered how long he had been here, and how long Richie had been like that.

There were voices coming from his right, and Eddie looked to see an open door, unable to see whoever was talking out in the hall. He recognized Maggie and Went, and there was an unfamiliar voice that Eddie assumed was a doctor.

He started sitting up. The room spun and he fell back into the pillow. That woke Richie up.

“Oh, thank fuck,” Richie said coming over to the bed. “You scared the shit out of me.” He started lightly running his fingers through Eddie’s hair. “How do you feel?”

“Like I’m gonna throw up,” Eddie said. “What happened?”

“You don’t – you don’t remember?” Richie asked. He looked at Eddie with such genuine concern and heartbreak that it almost brought Eddie to tears.

He shook his head. He remembered a nightmare, and waking up and wishing he could sleep. But then it was hazy. He tried…something.

“Whiskey,” Eddie whispered. He spoke again in his full voice. “I drank some of your dad’s whiskey, then I took something to help me sleep.”

“You did?” Richie asked. “I haven’t heard anything yet. I think the doctor is talking to my parents.” Richie sighed. “Scoot over.”

Eddie found the strength to make room for Richie on the bed. Richie got on and put his arm around Eddie, and with his other hand took one of Eddie’s and lightly kissed it. Eddie rested his head against Richie’s shoulder.

“It’s been a whole day,” Richie said, “just so you know.”

“That long?” Eddie asked.

Richie couldn’t answer because it was then that the doctor came in with Maggie and Went, both of whom had seen better days. They visibly untensed when they saw Eddie awake, but didn’t rush in ahead of the doctor who obviously wanted to talk to Eddie. The doctor, graying and wrinkled, was carrying a clipboard, flipping through it seemingly aimlessly, peering down his nose through his glasses. He tucked the clipboard away and took off the glasses, slipping them into his pocket.

“Mr. Kaspbrak?” the doctor said, “you’re lucky to be alive.” He gave Eddie a tense smile. “It’s been close to 36 hours since you’ve arrived here so it’s good to see you awake.”

“Just tell me what happened,” Eddie said curtly. “No bullshit.”

The doctor huffed. “Your blood alcohol level wasn’t particularly high, .11, so you were intoxicated but only barely, but with the mixture of prescription medication Ambien, your organs began shutting down. With one dosage, you likely would have been able to sleep it off without any worry. With two, and with your small stature, you would have had a couple days recovery without a hospital visit. Based on your body reaction, we cannot say for certain, but it’s likely you had five or six dosages in addition to the alcohol. You are very lucky your family found you when they did. We were able to pump your stomach and keep you stable through the night.”

He surveyed the room and then took noted of Eddie’s reaction. When Eddie nodded, he continued.

“Now, this might be a difficult question for you, but I need to ask for your safety, what was the purpose of this?”

It was a lot to take in. Eddie never intended to take that many pills, nor did he think about how his small body would not be able to handle the things he was putting into it. All he was thinking about was the peacefulness of sleep. Even though he had just woken up from a nightmare, all he was thinking about was the bliss of not having to think, not having to exist, even just for a short while.

“I was having trouble sleeping,” Eddie said quietly.

“Surely, you must have known,” the doctor said, “that one dosage of Ambien would have had you sleep for the next 12 hours.”

Eddie shrugged.

The doctor sighed. He sent everyone out of the room to speak with Eddie alone, despite Richie’s obvious distaste for it. He asked again.

“I don’t know,” Eddie said. “I just wanted to sleep.” Eddie hated doctors, and this one was no different. They would never listen.

“I’m not trying to agitate you, Mr. Kaspbrak,” the doctor said. “I’m only concerned for your safety post release.”

“Are you saying that I was trying to kill myself?” Eddie snapped. “Because I wasn’t.”

The doctor studied him for a moment. “Fine,” he said. “I believe you. I would still like to keep you under observation for another day, and if you’ll cooperate, I’d like for you to speak with the hospital’s psychiatrist. If I understand your living situation correctly, one session could be good for you, even if this was not an attempt on your life.”

“I’m not crazy,” Eddie muttered.

“No one said you were,” the doctor said. “But you’re barely 18, and you’ve just gone through a traumatic experience. You almost _died_ , Mr. Kaspbrak. If you have nothing else to talk about, then there’s plenty to work through there.”

Eddie hated doctors, and he hated it even more when they were right. He begrudgingly agreed to the session, scheduled for 10 a.m. the next morning when he should have been in school and not stuck in the hospital. For the first time in a long time, he would have rather been at school.

The doctor said a nurse would be by shortly to take his vitals and then sent everyone back in. Richie went to reclaim his spot on the bed when Maggie told him that he and Went ought to run home to get some of Eddie’s things if he was going to be here another day, that it might be nice for him to get out of that hospital gown. Richie gave Eddie a kiss on the forehead before leaving with his father, and it only occurred to Eddie then that nobody had little Maggie with them, but he didn’t have the strength to ask or care where she was.

Once Richie and Went were gone, Maggie took a seat on the edge of the bed.

When Eddie was younger, he had quickly learned what each of his mother’s various expression meant, especially those she made in medical settings. There was a pained expression that meant she was worried, that if someone said or did something wrong, she would snap. That expression meant that unless Eddie got the utmost perfect care, she would start yelling at anyone she could find, reception, nurse, doctor, it didn’t matter. “Something’s wrong with him,” she would say. “I can’t believe you don’t care about my son,” and the receptionist would always roll her eyes and tell Sonia to sit down.

There was a scared expression. This one always meant that Eddie won, they would go home with no more tests and no diagnosis. It happened very infrequently, considering most visits were either successful, or would end with Sonia snapping at some underpaid employee and getting mad that no one thought it was important to run more tests. When Sonia was scared, Eddie always felt a weird sense of relief because it meant they could go home, but his young self never wanted to see his mother scared. He would usually start faking something for her, a cold or the flu, something small that made her feel the need to take care of him. It always made her feel better.

Then, there was a relieved expression, the one that only came whenever the doctors suggested another test or the possibility of some strange illusive illness because there was nothing else it could be. It was the one that she gave to doctors when they listened to her, when they ignored Eddie’s protests that nothing was wrong, he felt fine. That was the expression that told Eddie he had lost. It was the one he was most familiar with.

But now?

Maggie was unreadable. Eddie liked to think he knew her well enough, that she was the mother he had always needed, the mother he always had tucked away waiting for her time to take him in. Her expression was complex, a mixture of everything Eddie had learned to read in Sonia, but this time, he had a feeling that those expressions meant something different to Maggie. She wasn’t going to yell at the doctor, nor would she start crying if the doctor said Eddie was fine. And he sure as hell didn’t feel like he had won. In fact, he never felt like he had lost so hard before.

She put a hand on his cheek as tears welled in her eyes, and Eddie learned to read her in an instant. This one was easy. It was an expression his mother never had. Maggie was terrified. She was scared out of her mind for Eddie. He was okay, and she was happy about that, but only for now, and she was frightened that something would happen again.

The worst part was, and she didn’t need to tell him this, but Eddie knew the last thing Maggie wanted was for Eddie to be here.

“Sweetie,” Maggie started, “I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking right now. But we’re not mad. Me and Mr. Tozier and Richie, we’re not mad…We just want you home, safe and sound.” She sniffed. “We just want you to be okay.”

Eddie hadn’t felt a real emotion in days, so when a wave of regret and guilt came over him, it came pouring out.

He started sobbing. “I’m sorry, Mom.” He gasped for breath. “I’m so sorry.”

Maggie hugged him, tighter than his own mother ever had. Normally, Eddie would have felt breathless, but now he was scared she would let him go. He never wanted her to let go.

“It’s okay, sweetie,” Maggie said softly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Her voice cracked and that made Eddie feel worse. He hurt her. He couldn’t even begin to make that up to her.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said again. “Mom, I’m sorry.”

Eventually, Richie and Went returned, and Went pulled Maggie out to give Eddie and Richie some time alone. Richie slid into bed with Eddie, the two of them facing each other. Richie forgot to take his glasses off, so they were being pushed askew on his face by the pillow, and Eddie almost thought it was funny, but he was too tired to think about anything like that. Instead, he took them off and placed them between them on the bed.

“How do you feel now?” Richie asked.

“Like shit,” Eddie said. “I feel like everyone’s mad at me, and I’m not hungry so I didn’t eat any of my lunch. Although, I guess that’s better than how I felt before.”

“How was that?”

“Nothing,” Eddie said. “I felt nothing.”

“You’d rather feel like shit than feel nothing?” Richie asked.

Eddie shrugged. “Sure. At least I know I’m not broken.”

“My parents are really worried about you,” Richie said. “Me too,” he added quickly as though it wasn’t obvious.

“What happened that night?” Eddie said. Maybe it was a bad idea, but he didn’t care. He wouldn’t be able to move on unless he knew exactly what had happened after he took the pills. “I mean, who…?”

“My mom,” Richie said answering his unfinished question. “But are you sure you want to know?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I can focus on anything until I know.”

“Okay,” Richie hesitated. “My mom found you in the bathroom, passed out. I never – I’ve never heard her cry like that.”

 _I’m sorry. I’m so sorry_.

“And my dad,” Richie’s voice started breaking, “I’ve never seen him cry ever. They thought you were dead, Eddie.”

“I was never…” Eddie tried to say. “I wasn’t trying to…It was an accident.”

“I know,” Richie said. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Eddie’s. “Even if you were, it doesn’t matter. You’re okay now.”

“What else happened?”

Richie swallowed. “I, um, I called 911. Maggie was screaming her fucking head off and I could barely hear her. All I could think about was getting you to a hospital. The bottle was spilled all over the floor, Eds, we didn’t know what to think. They wouldn’t even let me ride in the ambulance with you.” Richie started crying.

“I’m sorry, Richie,” Eddie said quietly. He had caused so much hurt, so much pain. He didn’t deserve the people who loved him so much. He didn’t deserve any of this. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t,” Richie said pulling himself together. “You don’t have to apologize for anything.” He sat up and wiped his eyes and put his glasses back on. “We should just, watch TV or something.”

Eddie sat up with him and leaned into his shoulder while he turned on the TV and started flipping through the channels. Richie didn’t stay on any channel longer than a second, not long enough to see what was on, only flipping through to have something to do. Normally, Eddie would have stolen the remote, found something Richie hated, and then hidden it, but Eddie had already realized this wasn’t like always.

A nurse came in carrying a vase of flowers, and a small stuffed bear carrying a heart that read “Get well soon”.

“Delivery!” the nurse announced. “Looks like you got some friends that miss you.” She set the vase and bear on the table next to Eddie’s bed.

“Who are they from?” Eddie asked, spinning the vase to see if there was a card.

The nurse pulled two cards from her pocket. “Let’s see here…The flowers are from a few people. Looks like you have a lot of people that love you…The flowers are from Bill, Stan, Mike, Ben, and Beverly. And, uh…” She looked at the second card she pulled. “The bear is from Martha. How sweet.” The nurse smiled and wished Eddie a nice afternoon before leaving.

Eddie ran his fingers along the flowers. His friends had sent them. They had pooled their money together to get him this big, beautiful bouquet to make his hospital room look nicer and to remind him that they loved him.

He picked up the bear. It was small, but soft and cute. He could see Martha picking it out, thinking it reminded her of him, and if she told him that, he could see himself scrunching his nose and saying “I’m not soft” while she shook her head and laughed.

His friends loved him, and things would be okay. He almost started crying, but decided he didn’t want to. Instead, he tried out a joke.

“Why don’t you ever send me flowers?” Eddie asked Richie.

“Because, baby,” Richie said sweetly, “you already took my flower.”

Eddie pinched Richie’s side and smiled at him. Instead of pretending to be mad or launching into some mock spiel about how awful Eddie was, Richie looked at him with the most affection Eddie had ever seen, like Richie had bottled up every time he ever felt love for Eddie, and poured it into one look.

He leaned forward and kissed Eddie, soft and sweet, and then said, “You’re so beautiful when you smile.”

Eddie vowed that he would never hurt Richie again.

* * *

The hospital psychiatrist was a petite woman that made Eddie feel tall. The fine lines around her eyes made it clear that she smiled a lot, while the lines on her forehead claimed that she frowned a lot too. Gray hairs were beginning to tinge her dirty blonde hair, making it look lighter than it probably used to when she was younger.

She welcomed Eddie to her office warmly, smiling widely and leading him by the arm to a set of seats that were facing each other. Eddie took a seat and examined the office. She had a desk and a seat in front of it, but Eddie wondered what that was used for if she was going to talk to him over here. Behind her desk was a wall of bookshelves, lined with books titled with various psychology terms that Eddie didn’t know. Around the walls were framed degrees of excellence and pictures of children.

It was a nice office with an ugly view of the parking lot out back. Eddie could see himself somewhere like this in 20 or 30 years, working in a hospital to help people get better. But suddenly even going to NYU in the fall seemed so far away. Twenty years was a lifetime.

“Let’s talk, Eddie,” the psychiatrist who had introduced herself as Dr. Hammond said. She smiled. Eddie wondered the hell there was to smile about.

“About what?” he asked. He had only agreed to this because he knew it would get the doctor off his case, even if the doctor had made good points. Maybe it would be good to talk about what happened, but he was over it. He didn’t care that he almost died. The only thing he cared about was making it up to the people he loved that he hurt.

“You know what happened,” Dr. Hammond said, smiling fading slightly. “You almost died. Should we talk about that?”

“I’m alive now. It doesn’t matter.” It was the truth. It didn’t matter.

“You’re barely 18, Eddie,” Dr. Hammond pushed, “and this event should be a traumatic experience for you. I think it does matter.”

The way she used that word, _traumatic_ , like she knew what it meant. He was the one going through what he was, and there was no way she could understand. No, Eddie thought, she has a degree and experience. She _does_ know what she’s talking about and she can help. Eddie had to stop fighting against people trying to help him. He thought about the Toziers opening their home to him, and how he hated it because he didn’t need help. He didn’t want it. It had created a burden on him that had been weighing him down since he moved in with them. _Let people help you_.

“I’m fine,” Eddie said calmly and with meaning. “It doesn’t matter.” He meant it. He would rather talk about anything else.

Dr. Hammond studied him for a moment. “I see,” she said. “Should we try talking about something else? I have you scheduled for an hour.”

“Sure.”

“Tell me about your family.”

“It’s complicated,” Eddie said, unable to find any other words for it and also trying to avoid the question for some reason. He didn’t think about the fact that the word ‘family’ was such an odd term to him now.

“Nothing is complicated to me anymore, Eddie,” Dr. Hammond stated. “Tell me about your family.”

Eddie hesitated for a second. “There’s my mom,” he said starting with the obvious. “I don’t live with her anymore. My dad died when I was five, so I barely remember him. I live with my…friend now.” He stuttered over the word friend. He and Richie had started not caring what people thought, throwing caution to the wind and saying ‘fuck it, we’re in love’ and taking the punches as they came. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t still hard to talk about.

“Tell me about your friend,” Dr. Hammond said so sincerely.

“He’s my best friend,” Eddie tried covering for himself.

“And?” Dr. Hammond asked. “I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.”

Eddie didn’t say anything and tried to look anywhere besides directly at her, but her piercing eyes kept gazing at him expectantly. Unless he ran away, he would have to talk to her.

“Eddie, I’m not here to judge you,” she said. “I don’t share anything with anyone unless you plan on hurting yourself or others. I’m here to listen and help you.”

Eddie debated what she said. There were things she had to tell other people, and things she didn’t, and this fell into the second category…he hoped. “He’s my boyfriend,” Eddie said slowly. “I’m gay. That’s why I don’t live with my mom anymore.”

Dr. Hammond nodded. “Should we talk about your mother?”

“What about her?” Eddie asked. “She doesn’t like me because I’m gay and that’s it.”

“Did she kick you out?” Dr. Hammond said. “Tell me about that.”

The thought of talking about his mother turned his stomach. “She wanted to send me to this…place…that’s supposed to make me not gay anymore.”

“A conversion camp,” Dr. Hammond said easily.

“A what?”

“Conversion camp,” she repeated. “They’ve recently decreased in popularity, but they still continue strong. And there is no evidence to suggest that they work. The only evidence they show is an increase in depression and anxiety among those children sent there, as well as an increase in suicide rates. I’m assuming you refused to go to this place.”

“I didn’t know…any of that,” Eddie said. “I just didn’t want to go.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you Eddie,” Dr. Hammond said, although Eddie had a hard time believing it. “You’re gay and there’s nothing wrong with that. These places are created by people who are scared of things that are different.”

To hear Dr. Hammond, a licensed psychiatrist, validate his feelings, to try and convince him that there’s nothing wrong with him, tell him that the thoughts his mother condemned were okay, gave Eddie a boost. Dr. Hammond knew what she was talking about. She had the degree. She could and would help him, and he knew he needed it.

“My mom called me a dirty queer,” Eddie confessed. “She said my boyfriend infected me.”

“I see,” Dr. Hammond nodded. “Now, most homophobic people believe that being gay is a sin, but sometimes people will believe in the dirty part of it, the disease part of it. And that sounds like your mother. Does she have issues with germs or sickness?”

“Yeah…a lot,” Eddie said, trying to figure out how to word it. “She, um, had me go to doctors all the time as a kid. I never felt sick or hurt or anything, but she was scared that I was. I think sometimes she saw something I didn’t see cause I always felt fine. Um, or maybe I have something super rare. The doctors never found anything except asthma and frequent bronchitis.”

“I read your medical records, Eddie, and there’s no documentation past the age of 13 of you actually having asthma. You seem to be a very normal, healthy boy.”

“Then what…?”

“Did your mother often get mad when doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with you?” Dr. Hammond asked, gears turning behind her eyes.

Every screaming match with nurses and angry, tense car ride home came to the forefront of Eddie’s mind. “…Yeah.”

“And did she make everything seem out of proportion? Like you would snap in half if you so much as tripped on your shoelaces.”

He thought of every scraped knee and every paper cut that required a doctor visit. He thought of the weeks he had his bike taken from him because he fell off and came home with a bandage on his elbow. He thought of the time that Bill invited him to go ice skating and his mother said no because he didn’t know how. “Y-yes.”

“What about vitamins? I bet she had a lot lying around the house that she made you take but she never took herself.”

The vitamins. Oh god, the vitamins that he took every fucking day until he started asking questions when he was 14. There were so many of them and he just wanted to know what they were all for, so he asked, and Sonia snapped, saying if he wanted to catch something, then he could take care of his own medicine, that if something happened to him, to not go crying to her. That was the day he noticed she never took as many vitamins as she gave him.

“Yes.”

“And did you feel like she truly cared about your well-being? Or did it ever seem like a show?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Was it about you?” Dr. Hammond posed. After a pause, she added, “Or her?”

“Me,” Eddie said confidently. At least, that was what Sonia had said, but it was hard to believe that when the facts were laying out in front of him. “Sometimes. Maybe? I don’t know.”

“Eddie, have you ever heard of Munchausen’s Disorder?”

“No.”

Dr. Hammond explained. “Munchausen’s is a disorder in which the person who has it craves attention. Some part of their brain isn’t functioning properly and the only thing they can think about or work towards is getting attention, specifically, attention from medical staff: doctors, nurses, etc. They crave this attention so much that they are willing to put themselves in harm’s way to get it. These people will often eat foods they know they’re allergic to, jump off one-story buildings to break their legs, or in some severe cases, inject extremely harmful substances into their bodies. All for attention’s sake.”

It sounded like an awful illness, and Eddie couldn’t imagine desiring attention that badly. He hated the spotlight. He wanted attention like any other person, only from the people he cared about. But that didn’t follow with anything that was happening. And weren’t they talking about his mother? 

“But I’m not –” Eddie tried to say.

“Not you,” Dr. Hammond said. “Do you know what ‘by proxy’ means?”

“Someone does it to you,” Eddie recalled quietly.

“Munchausen’s by Proxy is very uncommon, but when it shows, the results are horrendous, usually manifesting within a parent that is controlling their child. The parent will lie or delude themselves into thinking something is wrong with their child, sometimes even inflicting things on their child on purpose. They will take them to doctors and hospitals, receiving attention for being the world’s greatest parent.” She began imitating the things people would likely say, the attention these people would get. “They’re putting up with so much to deal with a sickly child like that. It must be such a strain to take care of him. He’s always so sick and you deserve everything for being the mother to find the cure for your ailing son.”

All Eddie heard was the voice of the woman who convinced his mother he ought to be sent away. “You sound like my aunt,” he mumbled.

“Eddie,” Dr. Hammond said with complete sincerity. “I’m sorry, and I know I cannot make a true diagnosis without your mother present, but I firmly believe she has this disorder, and because of it, you have suffered so much.”

“I…I don’t…”

“It’s a lot, I know,” Dr. Hammond said. “But I want to help you, Eddie. Let’s keep talking. I want to know where you stand in regards to that. I need to understand where your mental state is if I can help you move forward from this.”

“Richie brought home a baby,” Eddie said. “His baby. The girl didn’t want her, but he did.”

“I see,” Dr. Hammond said. “Do you feel a connection with this baby?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, and it was true. “I love Maggie. She’s – I want the best for her.”

“So, you consider yourself a father figure for her.”

“No, I wouldn’t say that,” Eddie said only half-convinced himself.

“No?” Dr. Hammond questioned. “Then, what do you do for her?”

“I feed her sometimes,” Eddie explained, “help bathe her every once in a while, I’ll change her diaper. But I’m mostly like a helper, not…a father. She’s my boyfriend’s kid, but that doesn’t mean I’m anything more than just Richie’s boyfriend.”

“And what does Richie do?” Dr. Hammond asked. “Why is his role any different?”

“He’s her dad,” Eddie said like it was obvious. “He feeds her and gets up in the night with her and dresses her…and changes her…and takes care of her. He does more than me.” But did he? Now that Eddie thought about it, he and Richie shared responsibility fairly evenly. Save for getting up with her in the night, they often made sure that they were taking turns with jobs, and they had started doing it without talking about it, like they were supposed to do it that way.

“Of course, he does,” Dr. Hammond said. “If she’s his child, then of course he will, but you love her, correct? And you take time out of your day to take care of her. You feed her and bathe her and love her. How is that any different than being a father figure? If you plan on being with Richie long-term, then how is this any different from being her step-father?”

“It’s not…the same,” Eddie said. He wished he had a better explanation.

“How?”

“It just isn’t,” Eddie said. “I don’t…we don’t…get things like that.”

“Who doesn’t get what?”

“Gay people don’t get kids!” Eddie said, echoing a sentiment he wasn’t quite sure where he picked up. “God, we don’t fucking get kids unless we’re fucking repressed and have one before we realize things, and I don’t get that. Unless, I inherit other people’s children, I don’t get that.”

“But you do,” Dr. Hammond said. “Maggie is what? Two months? And she’s all yours and Richie’s. No one else’s.”

“That’s not true.” Eddie couldn’t believe it. People like him didn’t get good things like that and he had made peace with that. When he had figured out he was gay, the question of children never came again, not until Katie got pregnant. Eddie had assumed it was something he could never have, so he never bothered to think about it.

“If you can give me a better explanation why, then I’ll believe you,” Dr. Hammond pressed.

“She’s not my kid.”

“If you take care of her in the same ways that Richie does, then how are you not? Does blood really matter here? I thought his family was your family. And if blood really matters, then where does that leave your mother?”

“I…I don’t…”

“It’s okay to be confused, Eddie. That’s why you’re here, so we can talk.”

“So, you’re going to NYU next fall?” Dr. Hammond asked.

“I guess.”

“You don’t seem excited,” Dr. Hammond noticed.

“I think I might be going alone,” Eddie admitted. Even with the money he had recently come into, it wouldn’t be enough to support him and Richie for four years in New York, nor would it help with moving costs. It was looking more and more like Richie would have to wait and save money before he attempted the move, and it was really hard for Eddie to not defer his enrollment to the spring semester so he could go with Richie. “At least for a little while before Richie and Maggie can move out there with me.”

“Would that be so bad?” Dr. Hammond asked. “Most people go to college by themselves.”

“I don’t know if I can go without Richie.”

“Are you that dependent upon him?”

Eddie hadn’t thought of it like that, and was suddenly embarrassed for being so attached to Richie. “Kind of? I was for a little while. Not so much now, but the thought of going without him hurts too much to think about.”

“Alright…” Dr. Hammond dropped it, sensing Eddie’s little lie. “Tell me more about NYU. Did you get a scholarship?”

“Not enough.”

“No? Then, how are you paying? Or do you not know?”

“My dad put away a bunch of money before he died to send me to school,” Eddie explained. “I had no idea about it until I got a letter from the bank telling me I finally had access to the trust cause I’m 18. My mom never told me a thing about it.”

“So, she lied to you,” Dr. Hammond said bluntly.

“It’s not a lie if you don’t say anything.”

“Omission by choice is a lie,” Dr. Hammond said, “Especially if she was trying to hurt you. She made the choice not to tell you for a reason. What do you think that reason might be?”

“She…didn’t want me to have the money.”

“Perhaps.”

“Because if I did, then I could go away to college.”

“Go on.”

“And leave her.”

“That sounds very plausible.”

“It sounds like you’re depressed, Eddie,” Dr. Hammond explained. “Your feelings of going through the motions, not finding interest in things, not feeling emotions anymore, these are all signs of depression.”

Eddie nodded. He supposed that wasn’t much of a surprise.

“Do you have suicidal thoughts?” Dr. Hammond asked. 

“I didn’t try to kill myself if that’s what you’re trying to say,” Eddie said harshly. “It was an accident.”

“I believe you, Eddie,” Dr. Hammond said, always knowing exactly how to talk. “You have no reason to lie to me. I only want to help.”

Eddie hated the way she made things seem so easy, like he could spill his guts without thinking about it. He had been, but talking about his mother was something he already did often. This was different. This felt like she was tearing into him and ripping him apart under the guise of helping. But he also had to admit, it felt good to tell someone these things.

“…No,” Eddie said slowly. “Not usually. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like, but…I don’t know. It seems scary.”

“What’s scary?”

“Dying…I don’t know if I ever want to die.”

“That’s normal.”

“But, I…” Eddie trailed off, not wanting to finish his thought.

“Yes?”

He sucked it up. “I don’t want to die, but I want to sleep,” he admitted. “Like, a lot. All the time. Even though I’m not tired or anything. Is that normal?”

“Completely,” Dr. Hammond said and that safety with her was restored. “Depression does that. You said that’s what you were thinking when you took the pills?”

“Yeah…” Eddie flashed back to a thought, an incomplete thought that had been bouncing around in his head since he woke up in the hospital bed. _I want to sleep… I want to sleep and…_ “Oh…” he said almost to himself.

“Yes?”

“Never mind,” Eddie tried backpedaling.

“Are you sure? I can’t help if you don’t want to talk to me.”

“I thought…I remember…when I took the pills…” Eddie had to trust her. If anyone could erase these thoughts, she could. “I want to sleep…but also, would it be so bad if I didn’t wake up?”

“We only have about five minutes left. Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“…What do you think?”

“About what, Eddie?”

“Me.”

“Truthfully, I think that you’ve been through too much. That you tend to shoulder the blame for things that are not your fault and hold yourself to an extremely high standard. I also think you lack certain independence skills from your mother hovering around you which is why you latch onto your boyfriend. And even more truthfully, I want you to go to college without him. At least for a few months. You need to exist without feeling like you need to take care of someone besides yourself. Learn about yourself devoid of the need to please people. Your family and friends love you, Eddie, and they don’t need your constant proof of purpose. Your purpose is to love them, and if you give them nothing else, then, that is okay. Your number one priority is yourself, always…

“And, one last thing, while you stay with Richie, while you live there and act as you do, you’re a father whether you think you are or not, because if you continue this road, if this existence you live expands two or three years down the line, Maggie will think of you as a dad. Even if she calls you by your name, she’ll tell the other kids at preschool all about her two dads because she will learn what a dad is and think of you as such. Unfortunately, that how that works, and you’ll have to get used to it.

“I hope you can choose to get better, Eddie. It won’t be easy, but I believe you have the strength and support to do so.”

* * *

Eddie returned to his hospital room with a nurse who wouldn’t let him go there on his own. The doctor came by an hour later to detail things for Eddie.

He had depression and anxiety and hypochondria and none of that surprised Eddie. Dr. Hammond had also chosen to prescribe an antidepressant to him in hopes that it would help not only his depression, but his anxiety, things that inhibited his independence and would hopefully help him grow.

Eddie wasn’t entirely happy with that, but he accepted it. His mother had spent his entire life shoving pills down his throat and for the first time in his life, he didn’t have that. It had felt freeing and anxiety-inducing at the same time, like he was bound to contract something because he wasn’t constantly medicating. Maybe his mother was right about something. It appeared he had caught a good case of depression. Outstanding.

The final thing the doctor had to say was that he was going to be kept until the weekend. He had been set to go in the morning, but now they wouldn’t let him leave for five more days. Apparently, Dr. Hammond had ruled that Eddie was a suicide risk, that even if he didn’t believe this was an attempt on his life, it sounded like it was on a subconscious level, and he was likely to try again, especially with the introduction of antidepressants.

Eddie protested, but it was useless when the doctor explained that this was the one thing he couldn’t voluntarily leave early for. Anything else, he could sign a few forms and be out before the doctor’s recommendation, but not this.

Eddie wanted to go home. He wanted to sleep with Richie next to him and to have Maggie cry and wake him up as Richie groaned and rolled out of bed. He wanted family dinner again and for Richie’s mother to roll her eyes at Richie’s impressions while his dad egged him on. He wanted to go to school where his friends were waiting for him to return and his teachers probably already had way too much work for him to catch up on and he would do it happily.

He wished he hadn’t talked to Dr. Hammond. He almost wished that, but he felt like he was on the right track after his session. He just wanted to go home.

Richie and Went came by later in the day, and Eddie broke the news of his extended stay.

“Why?” Went asked. “You shouldn’t let them tell you that you have to stay. You have a right to leave if you please.”

Eddie fidgeted where he sat, and Richie put a hand on his arm. “Actually, I can’t,” Eddie said. “Legally, they have to keep me here if…if I…if I attempted, or am threatening…to hurt myself.”

“You didn’t, though,” Richie said, “not on purpose, at least.”

Eddie shrugged. He didn’t feel like that was the case in either way, but he trusted Dr. Hammond’s judgment because, with her, he felt like a normal human being for the first time in his life. His friends had been trying to convince him of that, but it wasn’t going in. He knew they loved him, and that who he was was okay, but as far as it went, it only made him feel loved for being different, not normal.

Dr. Hammond said over and over again that he was. And she had a license to say so. For some reason, Eddie found that comforting, and if she was worried about what he might to do himself should the hospital let him leave, then he was going to trust her.

“Eddie?” Richie said quietly.

Eddie tried to convey that they would talk later with only a look. Richie must have understood because he didn’t say anything else.

“Hey, Rich,” Went said, “you think you could run and get me a coffee?” Went raised his eyebrows.

“Uh, yeah,” Richie said and left.

Eddie tried to look anywhere but directly at Went. Even after all that time living at the Toziers’ house, he still was intimidated by Went.

“You know, Eddie,” Went started, “maybe I haven’t been acting the way I should have been. I don’t know much about your father, and I never wanted to encroach on that. I never wanted you to feel like I was inserting myself in your life where you didn’t need me.”

“My dad’s been dead for 13 years,” Eddie said. “I don’t even know what it feels like to have one.”

“I think that’s what I did wrong then,” Went said. “I didn’t do what you needed because I was scared that you wouldn’t let me in.”

“It’s not your fault,” Eddie said pulling his knees up to his chest, hugging them close. “I can take care of myself just fine.”

“I didn’t realize how wrong that statement was until I saw you,” Went said, tears in his eyes. He took a deep breath and kept his voice steady. “Life is hard, Eddie, and unfortunately for you, it’s been hell, but just know that we love you and want you to be okay.”

“Even though I’m different?”

“You’re just like any other teenager, son,” Went said and Eddie’s breath hitched at the term. “There’s nothing different or strange or wrong about you. It’s the world that’s wrong.”

Eddie didn’t say anything, choosing instead to play with the sheets on his bed. He _would_ get better. He had to.

“But now I’ve said my piece,” Went said relaxing in the chair. “Let’s watch some TV. The Bruins game should be starting soon.” Went took the remote and started flipping through the channels, strongly focusing on the TV.

Richie came back only a minute later with his father’s coffee and something hidden behind his back.

“A present,” Richie explained when Eddie eyed him. “Um, yesterday you said I never got you flowers so…” He pulled from behind him a vase with half a dozen roses. “I thought, since you’re gonna be here a while now, that maybe you want something else to make the room look nicer. And roses are for like, love, or whatever.” He put the vase on the table with the other flowers, then sat in bed next to Eddie.

“Thanks,” Eddie said taking Richie’s hand.

“The lady in the gift shop thought you were a girl,” Richie said. He began mimicking an old lady voice. “Eddie? Oh, that’s an interesting name for a girl. Lovely name, though. Hope your girl gets better soon.” He switched back to his normal voice. “Like, ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you that I’m as straight as my small intestine.”

“She’s was just trying to be nice, Rich,” Went lightly chided.

“And I was trying to jest, Father,” Richie said. “And perhaps add a new voice to my book.”

“Old lady who works at a hospital gift shop?” Eddie teased. “Very versatile.”

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t like it, Eds,” Richie said. “I see a smile on that cute face of yours.” To make his point, Richie pinched Eddie’s cheek.

Eddie lightly pushed him away. “You’re a dick.”

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

Eddie didn’t try to hide his smile this time, even though the only thing he was thinking about was how he knew he’d have to leave Richie at some point, go to college, be on his own. Learn about himself, as Dr. Hammond had said. He was going to soak everything up now before Richie was gone.

The next day, the rest of the Losers were going to visit. Eddie didn’t want to see them. He didn’t want them to see him like this, low and broken and healing. He wanted to get better before he saw them again, but Richie said that they were dying to see him, so how could Eddie say no?

But before they arrived, Richie came by and brought little Maggie with him, someone else Eddie didn’t really want to see. She would only remind him of the life he couldn’t have. Did have? He was still working on that one.

“I think she missed you,” Richie said placing her carrier on the chair. Eddie was thankful for the blanket that had been thrown over it to protect Maggie from the December air. He wouldn’t have to see her yet. “She’s been crying more, and is really fussy with her morning bottle. I think she knows that you haven’t been home.”

“Babies can also read emotions,” Eddie said tonelessly. “So, if you’re worried about me, she’ll probably be worried too, even if she doesn’t know why.”

“Yeah,” Richie said. “That makes sense. I thought you might be missing her, too.”

Eddie shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t,” he admitted, “but…I don’t know how I feel right now.”

“Uh, okay,” Richie said. “Well, everyone else is gonna be by in a little bit so we can hang out until then. Maggie’s still sleeping anyway.”

Richie sat next to Eddie like he had been. He was tense, _really_ tense.

“I think if I want to get better,” Eddie said, “I have to tell you things I told the psychiatrist.”

“I thought you already told me everything,” Richie said, then added, “course, if you did, we probably wouldn’t be here right now.”

Eddie smiled softly at that, trying to make light of his own circumstances.

He took a deep breath. “I’ve spent all this time thinking that gay people aren’t allowed to have children. So, when the psychiatrist told me that I am a dad, that Maggie is mine too, I panicked. I never…I never even thought she was. I love her so much, but I never thought I could get something like that, so I ignored it.”

“She is yours,” Richie said. “She knows you’re gone. We have a fucking schedule to take care of her. We’re fucking co-parents in this or whatever the fuck. I can’t imagine doing this without you.”

 _But you’ll have to_.

“I’m scared, Richie,” Eddie said, voice quivering. “I know…I know I told you that taking her was up to you, and that you can do it, but I don’t know if I have what it takes. Maybe…maybe there’s some truth to what people say.”

“You’re wrong,” Richie stopped him. “You are kind and generous and brave and a fucking good person. And you deserve things that you want. And what people say? They’re homophobic assholes who think that being gay is contagious and a sin and want all of us dead. It’s okay to be scared, Eds, but you can do this.”

They sat there in silence, Eddie leaning against Richie’s shoulder, until the others arrived. Bev came in first, followed by everyone else, and it was such a sight that Eddie couldn’t speak. He got up because he knew he should hug them.

Bev ran into his arms, her tears wetting Eddie’s neck, shaking with sobs. He didn’t cry. He couldn’t.

She pulled back and Eddie wiped the tears from her face.

“You’re okay,” Bev said. “Fuck, I said I wasn’t going to cry.”

“I’m sorry, Bevvie,” Eddie said quietly and hugged her again.

After Bev, Eddie went and hugged everyone else. The worst of it all was their reactions, Bill and Ben letting a tear slip out, Stan’s stoic face that was trying to be strong for Eddie, and Mike’s bright sympathetic smile. Eddie hated all of it. He hated that they had to see him like this, and he hated that he made them feel this way.

He had to do better. Maybe it was repetitive at this point, but he knew that the only way he would get better was if he kept repeating it to himself.

They all settled in around the room, Bev stealing Richie’s spot on the bed when Maggie started crying over the noise of people coming in the room. Eddie tried to love Bev’s company the way he used to. He faked it and held her hand as she rested her head on his shoulder.

Richie bounced Maggie in his arms as her crying settled down.

“She’s crying cause you guys are so fucking annoying,” Richie said.

“Sounds like you, Richie,” Stan said.

“It’s not my fault she hates you,” Richie said.

“I think you did it on purpose,” Stan said.

“Are you seriously saying I turned my baby on you on purpose?” Richie asked.

“Is that not true?” Bill said. “I sw-swear I heard you talking about it.”

“It is true,” Eddie said. “He does it at night so it’s subliminal.”

Stan held his hands out as if to say ‘see?’

“Baby,” Richie said, turning to Eddie, “you can’t go giving away all my secrets like that.”

“Is he doing it for all of us?” Mike asked.

“Nah,” Eddie said. “Just Stan.”

“Yeah,” Richie agreed. “Eddie’s in charge of everyone else. Can’t have our kid liking you guys more than us.”

 _Our kid_. Eddie’s stomach turned and suddenly his hands felt very sweaty. He hoped Bev didn’t notice.

“That’s what aunts and uncles are for,” Bev said. “Who better to spoil a child?”

“I’m gonna spoil her plenty,” Richie said. “Once I get money and shit.”

“Better watch your trash mouth around her, Rich,” Bill said.

“Don’t want her first word to be ‘fuck’,” Bev added.

“I feel like that would make 100 percent Richie’s kid, though,” Ben said.

“Her first word is going to be ‘Eddie’,” Eddie teased. “I already decided.”

“What about dad?” Richie whined. “Or daddy?”

“If she calls you daddy,” Eddie said, “then what am I supposed to call you?”

Richie blushed as everyone else groaned.

“Can you guys not do that shit with a baby in the room?” Stan asked.

“How about not with us in the room?” Mike said.

“Whatever,” Richie said, “you’re all just jealous.” He continued bouncing Maggie, who had started to grow louder again.

“See?” Bev said. “She doesn’t want her daddy talking like that around her.”

“Is she okay?” Stan asked.

“She’s been super stressed lately,” Richie said exasperatedly. “I’m lucky if I can get her to sleep for more than an hour at a time.”

Eddie felt embarrassed, like all eyes were on him even though they were too busy watching Richie. It didn’t help that the crying was putting him on edge, overdrawing Eddie’s senses with the harsh noise in addition to the bright lights and extra people. He just wanted it to stop. A little peace and quiet.

He hopped out of bed and took Maggie from Richie who almost seemed like he didn’t want to hand her off, but he did.

“It’s okay, peanut,” Eddie said softly. “I’ll save you from your dad.” Eddie had never used that term to refer to Maggie before, but he decided that he liked it, and that or something else he did must have worked, because Maggie began calming down, as she had stopped crying.

“Told you she misses you,” Richie said.

Eddie smiled at the thought. He knew it wasn’t true, that Maggie wasn’t old enough to recognize them that well or have any attachment to them yet, but the thought of it being true one day was enough. 

One day, she would be old to enough to know who he was and to miss him when he left her. One day, she would be old enough to talk and call him by his name, or maybe Eds or Spaghetti from hearing her father call him that, and Eddie would melt over her small voice and inability to pronounce words correctly. One day, she would go to school and Eddie imagine both him and Richie dropping her off and she wouldn’t be scared, or at least, she’d try to hide it because she was Richie’s kid and even if she’s scared, she wouldn’t back down for anything. But then, she’d miss him. She’d miss Eddie and when she came home, she’d tell him about her day and how she couldn’t wait to go back the next day because she was his kid too and she would love school because Eddie would teach her to love it.

And he would live to see it. If he got better for no one else, it would be for her.

The antidepressants were doing something. Eddie couldn’t quite figure out if he was feeling better or worse but he was definitely feeling different. The doctor had said that it would take some time, a few weeks, before the antidepressants would regulate with his body and he would start feeling like himself again.

Well, like himself, but better.

Eddie was still going through the motions of daily life, although, during the rest of the week at the hospital, he had nurses that wouldn’t let him lay around all day. They made sure he got up and went for walks and ate his food and did anything else besides watch TV.

Eddie enjoyed their company for the most part, although sometimes he wished for a little more time alone. It was bittersweet when the week came to an end.

He wanted to go home. He was ready for things to return to normal and to go back to school and figure out his routine again, but he was going to miss the casual life of recovery. He was the first to admit that he needed the time off. It did him some real good, and maybe it was the antidepressants at work, but when he was ready to go home, he was feeling fairly neutral, which was much better than before when he felt awful.

Richie came to pick him up and take him home. It seemed that Richie was more excited to get Eddie home than he was to go. Richie was bouncing off the walls and practically vibrating as Eddie finished grabbing his things.

Richie was just about to pull Eddie out the door when he stopped him.

“Wait, Rich,” Eddie said. “I said I needed to tell you some things and I haven’t said everything yet. And this feels like something I need to tell you before we go home.”

Richie deflated. “Yeah, Eds?”

“You can’t come with me to New York,” Eddie said bluntly fearing he would chicken out of saying it, and quickly realizing how harsh that sounded. “No, I mean, at least not at first.”

“What do you mean?” Richie asked.

“I – I mean that…I’m supposed to do things on my own,” Eddie explained. “I need to learn how to exist by myself and for myself. At least, that’s what the psychiatrist said. And I think she’s right because moving away by myself freaks me the fuck out more than it should and I need to get over that. I can’t rely on you my entire life.”

Richie nodded. “That…makes sense, I guess,” he said sullenly. “But then…what am I supposed to do? How long do you even need?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie admitted. “I think…I think a semester would be enough time, but…I don’t know.”

“I spent so long waiting for you,” Richie said. “I didn’t really want to have to wait longer for us to be happy.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said. “But didn’t you say that I was worth waiting for? I’m waiting for you too, and I know that you’re worth it.”

“You are worth it, Eddie,” Richie said. “I just fucking hate this. I mean, what about Maggie? By then, she’ll be old enough to really know you’re gone.”

“Don’t think I don’t know that,” Eddie’s voice wavered. “God, I’m gonna miss her so much, but if I want to be there for everything else, I have to miss this. I’m so scared that I’ll break again if I don’t figure shit out. Then where would we be?”

“It seems like you really thought about this.”

“I don’t want to, but I have to.”

“Sure.”

“Richie…”

“Don’t,” Richie said. “Let me be sad, okay? You want me to talk about the shit that bothers me? Fine, I don’t want you to do this, but it seems like you already made up your mind. I can’t change it. We both know you’re too fucking stubborn for that.”

“Of course, you can be sad, Rich,” Eddie said. “I would be scared if you weren’t.”

Richie stepped towards Eddie and placed a gentle hand on his face. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Help me understand.”

Eddie took a deep breath. “I’ve spent my entire fucking life trying to please my mom and I don’t even like her. Everything I did was to be a good son and make her happy because I had such a visceral gut reaction to seeing her upset. And I always thought it was because she was my mom and I didn’t want to see her upset, but it turns out, she was only ever upset when I wasn’t being perfect.

“So, then I left, and I still had that need to please someone, and you were there. I…I latched onto you in a bad way and I had to please you and it broke me. But all that shit with my mom kept going and I still wanted her to love me the way she was supposed to. And now we’re here. I have to figure out who the fuck I am without someone else telling me.”

“Eddie…”

“It’s not your fault,” Eddie added. “It’s my mom’s. It’s not your fault that this is happening.”

“Still feel like shit over it,” Richie said quietly. “Okay. Okay, that sounds like a plan.”

“You – you sure?”

“Yeah,” Richie said with slight confidence. “Me and Maggie will keep living at home for a few more months. I’ll work, save some money, et cetera. We’ll talk every night on the phone and I’ll make sure to get every cute thing Maggie does on tape. Hell, I’ll even make sure her first word is ‘Eddie’ like you wanted.”

“If her first word isn’t ‘dad’ I’m going to come back here and kill you,” Eddie said.

Richie gave Eddie a soft kiss. “You know, that gives me a way to get you back here.”

Eddie rolled his eyes while smiling. “Shut up.”

“Make me.”

“We’re in a hospital, dumbass,” Eddie said. “I’ll have plenty of time to make you shut up later.”

“C’mon, baby,” Richie said throwing an arm around Eddie. “Let’s get you home.”

No one wanted to give Eddie his homework while he was in the hospital, so when he got back to school every teacher was loading him up with a million assignments that were all due by the end of the week since Christmas break was beginning then. It would make for a shitty week, but at least he’d have Richie to help him.

Although maybe he ought to ask someone else if he wanted to start being more independent from Richie. 

He met up with his friends at lunch, actively teasing that none of them thought to bring him his homework, all of them with their various excuses (“We thought you should rest” and “Sorry, we were worried and didn’t think of it” and Richie’s infamous “I didn’t care”).

“Then I guess you’ll all have to give me the answers,” Eddie said. “It’s only fair.”

“It’s your homework, dude,” Richie said. “Your problem.”

“And it’ll be your problem when I keep you up all night while I’m working,” Eddie quipped.

“Guess you’ll have to sleep on the couch,” Richie said.

“Or the guest room,” Eddie said.

“Not on the good sheets,” Richie said. “Mom’ll throw a fit.”

“She likes me more than you, remember?” Eddie said.

“You guys are fucking relentless,” Ben said. “If you shut up, I’ll give you the answers.”

“Whose side are you on, Haystack?” Richie pouted.

“The side of you not bothering me while I eat my lunch, Trashmouth,” Ben said.

“Yeah, if you guys want to flirt, go do that at home,” Stan said.

“My dear Staniel,” Richie said. “If you’re jealous, you can just say so.”

“How did you guess?” Stan asked.

“Baby,” Richie said throwing an arm around Eddie, “you’re gonna have to sleep on the couch anyway. Stan needs my love tonight.”

“How will I survive?” Eddie said.

“Probably sifting through a pile of homework,” Bill said.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you guys,” Ben chimed in, “I got my acceptance letter from Southern Maine, so I have a backup school to go to.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, honey,” Bev said. “You’ll get into Stanford. I know you will.”

“Southern would be cheaper though,” Ben said.

“Then you’ll have to kiss my ass goodbye,” Bev said. “It’s California or bust for this hot mama.”

Ben smiled. “Then I’ll follow you and be your trophy husband.”

“Very bold to assume that I have enough money for a trophy husband,” Bev said, “but if I did, it’d be you.”

“Get a f-f-fucking room,” Bill said.

“You’re just mad Mike won’t hit on you like that,” Richie said.

“I do when we’re alone,” Mike said.

They kept talking and Eddie started phasing things out. He was stuck on the idea that everyone had begun receiving college acceptance letters, just like he had. Eventually, he would have to tell them and explain everything. The only one who knew the whole story was Richie and that was because he was there to witness it. He could wait. That was always an option.

But Eddie was taking control of his life. If things were going to be better, he had to go on and make things normal.

“I got into NYU,” Eddie said when whoever was talking had stopped.

“Seriously?” Bev said. “That’s awesome!”

“That’s great, man,” Mike said.

“I bet Richie’s excited to go to New York,” Ben said.

Richie nodded and looked down at this lunch.

“He’s not…coming,” Eddie said. “At least not for a little while. I’m…becoming independent.”

“And I’m really proud of him,” Richie said.

Eddie looked at Richie who was still having difficulty dealing with that fact. But he had time to grow into it. He loved Richie so much it hurt, and it was killing him that he had to do this, but it was necessary. If he wanted to be his best self, if he wanted to give Richie everything he deserved, he had to leave him.

Everyone chimed in with their thoughts of congratulations and best wishes, and before Eddie knew it, lunch was over.

Richie walked Eddie to his locker, talking idly about the book he was reading for class, when Eddie asked him a question.

“Hey, Rich,” Eddie said, “do you think you could walk me to class? Like other couples do?”

He wasn’t trying to be quiet, but maybe he should have been for that, at least until Richie agreed, because Richie’s eyes went wide.

“Um, uh, yeah,” Richie said. “I was planning on it but um…”

“And can you…pretend like we don’t have to hide?” Eddie ventured. “I’m tired of hiding.”

“I, uh, yeah,” Richie said. “Me too. If you’re sure.”

“I am,” Eddie said. “There’s a lot of things I’m unsure about, and this isn’t one of them. I don’t want to hide anymore. Most people assume anyway.”

“Right,” Richie said. “They do, don’t they? I’m going to…now.”

Eddie nodded. “Okay.”

Richie leaned in and kissed Eddie. It was tense and stiff as Eddie tried to work through the anxiety of kissing in public. He was done being scared but that didn’t mean he wasn’t terrified. He had to work through it, though, and this was the way.

Richie pulled back and quickly looked around. A few people were looking, one girl was whispering, but after a second, they resumed to what they were doing like they didn’t just see what they saw.

Richie broke into a huge grin. “That, um, felt good.”

“No one cares,” Eddie said.

“Oh, they care,” Richie said. “I swear I saw two girls pass money between them.”

“You’re a dick,” Eddie said smiling and took Richie’s hand to walk to class.


	15. are we out of the woods yet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Are We Out of the Woods" by Taylor Swift (I know I said I didn't want to repeat artists but Taylor Swift has so many reddie af songs and be glad I changed one because I originally had three)
> 
> (Also this song is like every fix-it fic like fkc)
> 
> This is the epilogue so it's pretty short but enjoy!

Eddie toted Maggie around all week, offering to feed her, dress her, bathe her, everything, and even going so far as to consider whether or not it was okay for her to sleep in bed with him and Richie. He pondered it for only a moment and stopped himself. That would have been too much, but he couldn’t help it. It was almost time to leave.

He was still carrying her around when he was packing up the rest of his things the morning he was supposed to leave. Richie insisted he put her down, just for a minute so they wouldn’t be late to the train station, although he wasn’t trying that hard. If Eddie missed the train, he would have to stay.

That wasn’t exactly right, but was likely Richie’s line of thinking.

Eddie said goodbye to his friends the night before, hoping to make it easier this morning. They packed up the car with Eddie’s sparse set of items contained to one suitcase and a backpack before it was time to say goodbye to Went and Maggie, and then finally hand off little Maggie.

Eddie handed the baby off to Richie to say goodbye.

He thought Went would shake his hand, so it almost hurt when he was pulled into a strong hug as Went wrapped his arms around him.

“Good luck, son,” Went said as he released Eddie. “Don’t be afraid to come home if you need to.”

“I won’t,” Eddie said. “I’ll be home for Christmas. Four months.”

“Can’t wait,” Went clapped a hand on his shoulder, then returned to the front porch.

Maggie had tears in her eyes as she hugged Eddie goodbye.

“I love you, sweetie,” Maggie said. “Don’t forget to call, okay?”

“Richie won’t let me forget,” Eddie said. “I love you, too.”

Maggie joined her husband on the porch as Eddie turned back to Richie. He took the baby from him and held her close. She didn’t understand hugs yet, but when Eddie looked at her, she reached her hand out to his face a made a noise.

“You gonna be good for your dad?” Eddie asked her.

She smiled and babbled something.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “I figured you wouldn’t. But you have to be. I’ll see you soon, okay? I know four months is a long time in baby years, but I’ll be home before you know it and I’ll rescue you from your dad.”

Maggie pinched his face and cooed.

“You’re cute, too,” Eddie said. “I’ll miss you, peanut.” He kissed her cheek and Richie took her to deliver to his parents, while Eddie got in the car.

The drive to the station was almost silent save for the music playing on the radio and every once in a while, Richie mumbling to himself about whether he was going the right way. Eddie watched the landscape change from rural to city as they made their way closer to Portland, and studied the cityscape as they snaked their way to find whatever deep corner the station was buried in.

They parked and suddenly Eddie was hyperventilating. He was desperate for his inhaler that he had thrown out when he was told he didn’t really have asthma. He wished he was at home in bed and it was just another lazy summer day. And for the first time in a long time, he wished he could talk to his mother.

He hated how he had left things with her. After he got out of the hospital, she had tried calling over and over again, trying to get him to come home, even going so far as to show up once to drag him home, the only thing sending her away was when Maggie threatened to call the police. And Eddie tried every single time to talk to her. But she wouldn’t listen. She would ramble about him being sick, that he needed his mother to take care of him, and he would try and get her to listen to reason. He wasn’t sick, but he did need his mother, he needed her to listen, but she wouldn’t. She never did.

And now he was leaving for good. He would only return to Derry for holidays and his mother wouldn’t know where to find him unless he told her where. That chapter was done, and it had a really shitty ending.

Eddie got out of the car, trying to push forward like he had been. It was okay to be scared, he told himself. It’s okay to be scared of the unknown.

Richie followed out of the car and offered to take his suitcase for him. Eddie let him, the entire exchange happening in silence.

They reached the platform and the train wasn’t there yet. They still had some time. Not enough.

“Call me when you get there,” Richie’s voice cracked. “And, um, don’t meet some hunky new guy and forget all about me. I’m sure New York is filled with them, but don’t. I don’t think I could take that.”

“I’m sure it is, too,” Eddie said, “but my type is tall, skinny guys with messy hair and ugly shirts. So, I think you’re safe.”

Richie gave a small smile. “I’m gonna miss the hell out of you.”

“Me too.”

“But this is a good thing,” Richie said reassuring himself. “We’ll be fine. Four months isn’t that long.”

“The blink of an eye,” Eddie said. “I love you, Richie.”

“I love you, too, baby.”

A train sounded in the distance and that was their cue to wrap it up. Eddie looked around briefly, an old habit that would likely never die, before standing on his toes to kiss Richie.

Richie put his hands on Eddie’s face, and Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie. Eddie tried to make a note of everything about Richie before he had to leave. He made a note of Richie’s constantly chapped lips and the smell of his cologne and the still remaining taste of pancakes from breakfast. He made a note of how calloused but gentle Richie’s hands were on his face and the way Richie hated leaning over to kiss Eddie, forcing him to get on his toes, something Eddie always complained about but secretly loved.

They kissed and kissed and kissed until the train stopped at the platform, and Eddie pulled away. Richie kept his hands on Eddie’s face as they looked at each other.

“I have to go,” Eddie said.

“Don’t,” Richie said.

“I wish it were that simple, Rich,” Eddie said.

Richie nodded. “I know. Just thought I’d ask.” He paused. “I love you, Eddie.”

“Love you, Richie.”

Richie leaned down and kissed Eddie one last time.

When he pulled back, he took a step away from Eddie as though putting the physical distance between them would stop him from keeping Eddie with him.

Eddie grabbed his suitcase and headed for the train.

“Call me when you get there!” Richie shouted.

“As if I have anything better to do,” Eddie returned before getting on the train, finding his seat, and watching Richie wait at the station until the train disappeared down the track.

Eddie was off to New York where he was supposed to figure his shit out, find his independence, and Richie would wait for him like he always did. Eddie had to wait too, but the wait would be worth it. It had been before and it would be this time too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! This fic took me so long to write and it took so much of my mental capacity. I really used this fic to explore a lot of my own issues with myself (I think that's why I'm so drawn to Eddie as a character) and I feel really good about this fic, even if I ended it on a little bit of a cliffhanger.
> 
> I'm thinking of writing a short sequel to this, maybe 20-30k words, and tying things up in a nice, neat bow.
> 
> If you want to hmu and talk to me at length about my fic or anything It related or just to tell me about your day, my tumblr is @the-u-s-s-enterprise (don't be scared to dm me i love talking)


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